TIPS WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU'RE BORED (PART 2)

-Loosen the lug nuts on your dad's new car

-Drop your cat off the roof to see if it lands on all four feet
-Count the bags under Walter Mondale's eyes
-Unscrew all the light bulbs and rearrange the furniture
-Found the Jim Jones School of Bartending
-Listen for non-satanic messages (i.e. "Drink milk")
-Dress like Motley Crue...surprise your grandmother
-Dial-a-Prayer and tell them they're wrong
-Go into a bar and ask for a Molotov Cocktail
-Learn everything there is to know about the Holy Roman Empire
-Make a drive-in window at your local bank where there wasn't one before
-Walk on water...but don't get caught
-Confess to a crime...that didn't happen
-Be in the wrong place at the right time
-Plot the overthrow of your local School Board
-Request covert assistance from the CIA
-Discover the source of the Mississippi
-Search for buried treasure...in Nebraska
-Hot wax the bottom of your brother's dress shoes
-Preach the philosophy of Marx...Groucho, that is
-Drink as much prune juice as you can
-Write a book about your previous life
-Serve ping-pong balls...as hors d'oeuvres
-Jump up and down...on your alarm clock
-Make a quilt out of used cocktail napkins
-Sterilize your stereo...with Jack Daniel's
-Carve you and your girlfriend's initials...in a marshmallow
-Drive the speed limit...in your garage
-Sing the national anthem...during your calculus final
-Wear a three-piece suit...in a sauna
-Pay off the national debt...with a bad check
-Go to a cemetery and verbally abuse dead people
-Give yourself a hernia...for Christmas
-Defend your neighborhood from roving Mongol hordes
-Recite romantic poetry...to your toaster
-See if you really can build a nuclear device in your own basement
-Go to McDonald's and pretend you can't speak English
-Write to your congressmen, senators, President, etc. to tell them what a good job they're doing...On April 1st
-Find the heat capacity of your chemistry professor
-Take apart all your major kitchen appliances...mix and match them
-Turn your TV picture tube upside down
-Phone in a death threat on President Kennedy
-Put lighted EXIT signs on all your closets
-Carry a tune...drop it, see if it breaks
-Be planar...but don't tell your parents
-Play hockey with your little cousin...as the puck
-Make a deal with the devil...but keep your fingers crossed
-Put instant concrete in your big brother's waterbed
-Give a lecture on the historical significance of cream cheese
-Debate politics with a fern
-If you lose, stop watering it and try again.
-Increase your territorial holdings by force
-Find out how many ways there really are to skin a cat

-Boldly go where no man has gone before
-Be a threat to the American way of life
-Do research into the cause of World War III
-Be a threat to the Northwestern Tibetan way of life
-Re-establish the Roman Empire...in Pittsburgh
-See how small you can scrunch your face
-Sell firewood door to door...in Atlantis
-Found the TLO (Toledo Liberation Organization)
-Play nuclear chicken with a small third world nation
-Raise professional certified racing turnips
-Give your grandmother a raise and another day of paid vacation
-Lead an aerobics class...for patients of the I.C.U.
-Go to a drive-in movie in a tank
-Go to a non-drive-in movie in a tank and drive in anyway
-Send President Reagan an alarm clock...wind it up first
-Found a cockroach stable and stud ranch
-Send your goldfish to obedience school
-Free the oppressed toasters of America
-Weave a tablecloth out of copper tubing
-Give your cat a suntan...in the microwave
-Park your car...with a friend
-Park your car...with a group of friends
-Frame your first statement of bankruptcy
-Place it on the wall of your office
-Solve the population problem (x^2 + y^2 = population...solve for x)
-Contribute to the population problem
-Wear a T-shirt that says "I'll walk on you to see The Who" and a peace sign
-Practice the Aztec method of heart removal on your professor
-Find out who made the super glue commercials and give them your Ginsu knife
-Get Ronco and K-tel to merge...they sell the same stuff anyway
-Sneak into a nuclear physics lab and stay the night
-Play with anything that looks interesting
-Drop piston engines on two people and see who squishes first
-See if your goldfish can live in Coors rather than water
-Try to ignite water...the Mississippi might work
-Draw Venn diagrams...screw them up
-State fallacies as fact (like, "peanuts grow on bushes")
-Visit the Architecture building...loudly criticize its design
-Make a schematic drawing...of a rock
-Wallpaper your laundry room...with pages from books you don't like
-See if diamonds really do cut glass...on everything in your neighbor's house
-Tenderize your tongue...chew on it for a while
-See how long you can stare at a fluorescent light...try green
-Bronze your sister's turtle
-See how long it takes for her to notice
-See what she does when she notices
-Bronze your sister

VERY INTERESTING QUOTES

·        Men are like steel; both are worthless when they loose their temper.
-- Source Unknown

·        What if "the hokey pokey" is REALLY what it's all about?
-- Curtis Spencer

·        We are the people our parents warned us about.
-- Jimmy Buffett

·        Those are my principles, and if you don't 
like them...well, I have others.
-- Groucho Marx

·        The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does.
-- Source Unknown

·        USA Today has come out with a new survey-apparently, three out of every four people make up 75 percent of the population.
-- Dave Letterman

·        You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R.
-- Dennis Miller

·        Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
-- Albert Einstein

·        Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that a big enough majority in any town?
-- Mark Twain

·        A good metaphor is something even the police should keep an eye on.
-- G. C. Lichtenberg

·        I admire the serene assurance of those who have religious faith. It is wonderful to observe the calm confidence of a Christian with four aces.
-- Mark Twain

·        Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.
-- Groucho Marx

·        I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind! The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building.
-- Charles Shulz

·        Convent. A place of retirement for women who wish for leisure to meditate upon the sin of idleness.
-- Ambrose Bierce

·        I adore political parties. They are the only place left to us where people don't talk politics.
-- Oscar Wilde

·        Plagiarists at least have the quality of preservation.
-- Benjamin Disraeli

·        I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers.
-- Mahatma Gandhi

·        Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.
-- Claudette Colbert

·        If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
-- Flip Wilson

·        I know all those people. I have friendly, social, and criminal relations with the whole lot of them.
-- Mark Twain

·        A little girl at the wedding afterwards asked her mother why the bride changed her mind. What do you mean? responded her mother. Well, she went down the aisle with one man, and came back with another.
-- Source Unknown

·        If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
-- Groucho Marx

·        The trouble with the world is not that people know too little, but that they know so many things that ain't so.
-- Mark Twain

·        He has not a single redeeming defect.
-- Benjamin Disraeli

·        When you get to my age life seems little more than one long march to and from the lavatory.
-- John Mortimer

·        Last night the creative juices were flowing but today I am merely a vast wasteland of random thoughts.
-- Peckeroy

·        From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
-- Groucho Marx

·        In Mexico an air conditioner is called a politician because it makes a lot of noise but doesn't work very well.
-- Len Deighton

·        My sole inspiration is a telephone call from a director.
-- Cole Porter

·        He believes that marriage and a career don't mix. So after the wedding he plans to quit his job.
-- Source Unknown

Wisdom in Phrases

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..'

- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

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I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

- Eleanor Roosevelt

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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..

- Mark Twain

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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible

- George Burns

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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

- Victor Borge

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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

- Mark Twain

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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

- Socrates

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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

- Groucho Marx

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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

- Jimmy Durante

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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.

- Alex Levine

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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

- Rodney Dangerfield

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Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

- Spike Milligan

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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .

- Joe Namath

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I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

- Bob Hope

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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..

- W. C. Fields

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We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

- Will Rogers

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Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As

you grow older, it will avoid you.

- Winston Churchill

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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..

- Phyllis Diller

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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

- Billy Crystal

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And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good, spit it out.

May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and
may nothing but happiness come through your door.

MY FAVOURITE QUOTES

•    I do not want the peace which passeth understanding, I want the understanding which bringeth peace. - Helen Keller
 
 


 •    People seldom do what they believe in, they do what is convenient, and then repent. - Bob Dylan

 




•    Is life worth living? It all depends on the liver. - William James
•    The wise man has long ears and a short tongue. - Anonymous.
 

•    Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens. - Jimi Hendrix
 



 •    Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend. - Unknown, but often attributed to Albert Camus
•    The secret of a good life is to have the right loyalties and hold them in the right scale of values. - Norman Thomas
•    Democracy is the process by which people choose the man who'll get the blame. - Bertrand Russell




  •    Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. - Albert Einstein 



•    I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it. - Groucho Marx
•    Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. - Groucho Marx
•    Coffee isn't my cup of tea. - Samuel Goldwyn
•    I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
•    I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is? - Paul Merton
•    At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I'm not there I carry on as usual. - Patrick Moore
 
 



•    Operator! Give me the number for 911. - Homer Simpson
 




 •    I have met a lot of hardboiled eggs in my time, but you're twenty minutes. - Oscar Wilde
•    Rarely is the question asked: is our children learning? - George W Bush
•    I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said, 'No, Six should be enough.' - Les Dawson
•    My formula for success is rise early, work late, and strike oil. - Paul Getty