Funny life quotes

 

 

Funny Quotes and Sayings ( 2st part )

At twenty years of age the will reigns; at thirty, the wit; and at forty, the judgment.- Benjamin Franklin
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.- George Carlin
Bad taste is simply saying the truth before it should be said.- Mel Brooks
Barf: I'm a mog: half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend! - Spaceballs (1987)
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.- Mark Twain
Be careful not to do your good deeds when there's no one watching you.- Tom Lehrer
 

 Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.- Will Rogers
 

Big sisters are the crabgrass in the lawn of life.- Linus Van Pelt in Charles M. Schultz' Peanuts cartoon
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.- Oscar Wilde
Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say,abstains from giving us wordy evidence of the fact. - George Eliot
Business, you know, may bring money, but friendship hardly ever does.- Jane Austen
By giving us the opinions of the uneducated, journalism keeps us in touch with the ignorance of the community.- Oscar Wilde
Children aren't happy with nothing to ignore, and that's what parents were created for.- Ogden Nash
Choose your friends carefully. Your enemies will choose you.- Yasser Arafat
Clear? Huh. Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me afour-year-old child, I can't make head or tail of it.- Duck Soup (1933)
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.- Mark Twain
 

Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends. - H. L. Mencken
 

Contrary to general belief, I do not believe that friends are necessarily the people you like best, they are merely the people who got there first.- Peter Ustinov
Crazy is walking down the street with half a cantaloupe on your head, muttering; "I'm a hamster, I'm a hamster."- Spy Hard (1996)
Creationists make it sound as though a 'theory' is something you dreamt up after being drunk all night.- Isaac Asimov
Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it. You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- Zorba the Greek (1964)
Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people.- Oscar Wilde
Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock.- Will Rogers
Do not marry a man to reform him. That is what reform schools are for.- Mae West
Do not speak to me of rules. This is war! This is not a game of cricket!- The Bridge on the River Kwai (1957)
Do not use a hatchet to remove a fly from your friend's forehead.- Chinese Proverb
Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.- Mark Twain
 

Do you love me because I am beautiful, or am I beautiful because you love me?- Oscar Hammerstein II (Cinderella)
 

Don't expect me to get excited over another damn thing we need to find.- Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1 (2010)
DON'T get officious. You're not yourself when you're officious - That is the curse of agovernment job. - Harold and Maude (1971)
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living; the world owes you nothing; it was here first. - Mark Twain
Don't let schooling interfere with your education.- Mark Twain
Don't marry a man to reform him - that's what reform schools are for.- Mae West
Don't threaten me with a dead fish.- Withnail & I (1987)
Don't underestimate your abilities, that's your boss's job.- Anonymous
Don't worry about that chair with a hole in the middle. It's merely waiting to be reupholstered. - Casino Royale (1966)
Donkey, you HAVE the right to remain silent. What you lack, is the capacity.- Shrek 2 (2004)

Funny Quotes and Sayings ( 1st part )

A lifelong friend is someone you haven't borrowed money from yet.
- Anonymous
A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
- Oscar Wilde
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
 

 

A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small bundle.
- Benjamin Franklin
 

 A man's friendships are, like his will, invalidated by marriage -
but they are also no less invalidated by the marriage of his friends.- Samuel Butler
A relationship, I think, is like a shark. You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.
- Annie Hall (1977)
A remark generally hurts in proportion to its truth.
- Will Rogers
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
- W. C. Fields
A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success.- Doug Larson
A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good eg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.- Bernard Meltzer
 

A true friend stabs you in the front.- Oscar Wilde
 

A very small degree of hope is sufficient to cause the birth of love.- Henri B. Stendhal
A wedding is just like a funeral except that you get to smell your own flowers.- Grace Hansen
A witty saying proves nothing.- Voltaire
A woman in love can't be reasonable - or she probably wouldn't be in love.- Mae West
Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don't have for something they don't need.- Will Rogers
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't -Erica Jong
After fifteen minutes I wanted to marry her, and after half an hour I completely gave up the idea of stealing her purse.- Take the Money and Run (1969)  

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.- Mae West
 

All people know the same truth.Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.- Woody Allen (Harry Block - Deconstructing Harry - 1997)
Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.- Oscar Wilde
Always listen to the experts.They'll tell you what can't be done and why.Then do it.- Robert Heinlein
An excellent man; he has no enemies; and none of his friends like him.- Oscar Wilde
An old friend will help you move. A good friend will help you move a dead body.- Jim Hayes
And you just gotta remember, Sparky - no matter what they tell you - you can NEVER have too much sugar.- Michael (1996)
And you, Sonja, you look more beautiful standing here than you do in person. - Love and Death (1975)
Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain and most fools do.- Benjamin Franklin
Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.- Albert Einstein
 

Apology is only egotism wrong side out. - Oliver Wendell Holmes