Funny Easter

• ·        "My mom used to say that Greek Easter was later because then you get stuff cheaper."  Amy Sedaris
• ·        "I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines."  Fred Allen
• ·    "A strangely reflective, even melancholy day. Is that because, unlike our cousins in the northern hemisphere, Easter is not associated with the energy and vitality of spring but with the more subdued spirit of autumn."  Hugh Mackay
• ·        "Easter says you can put truth in a grave, but it won't stay there."  Clarence W. Hall
• ·        "There's nothing better than a good friend, except a good friend with CHOCOLATE."  Linda Grayson, "The Pickwick Papers"
• ·       "All I really need is love, but a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt!"  Lucy Van Pelt, "Peanuts"
• ·        Good Idea: Finding Easter eggs on Easter Sunday.
• Bad Idea: Finding Easter eggs at Thanksgiving.

• If you get melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
• Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
• Diet tip: Eat an Easter egg before each meal.
  It'll take the edge off your appetite, and that way you'll eat less.
• If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?
• If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge.  Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
• Money talks. Chocolate sings.
• Chocolate has many preservatives.  Preservatives make you look younger.
• The problem: How to get two pounds of chocolate eggs home from the store in a hot car.
  The solution: Eat the eggs in the car park.
• Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
  Because no one wants to quit.

INTERESTING ONLY FOR MARRIED PEOPLE

·        "In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker."-Woody Allen.

· "My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."-Rodney Dangerfield.

·   

   "Ah, yes, divorce...from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet."-Robin Williams.

·        "A married man should forget his mistakes; no use two people remembering the same thing."-Duane Dewel.

·        "When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that's mad."-Helen Rowland

·  "Eighty percent of married men cheat in America...The rest cheat in Europe."-Jackie Mason

·      "Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes in the hope of pulling out an eel."-Leonardo Di Vinci.

·        "I don't think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house."-Lewis Grizzard.

·        "I'm the only man in the world with a marriage license made out to whom it may concern."-Mickey Rooney.

·        "I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."-Rodney Dangerfield.

·        "The difference between divorce and legal separationis that legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money."-Johnny Carson

Funny Quotes and Sayings ( 1st part )

A lifelong friend is someone you haven't borrowed money from yet.
- Anonymous
A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
- Oscar Wilde
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
 

 

A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small bundle.
- Benjamin Franklin
 

 A man's friendships are, like his will, invalidated by marriage -
but they are also no less invalidated by the marriage of his friends.- Samuel Butler
A relationship, I think, is like a shark. You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.
- Annie Hall (1977)
A remark generally hurts in proportion to its truth.
- Will Rogers
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
- W. C. Fields
A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success.- Doug Larson
A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good eg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.- Bernard Meltzer
 

A true friend stabs you in the front.- Oscar Wilde
 

A very small degree of hope is sufficient to cause the birth of love.- Henri B. Stendhal
A wedding is just like a funeral except that you get to smell your own flowers.- Grace Hansen
A witty saying proves nothing.- Voltaire
A woman in love can't be reasonable - or she probably wouldn't be in love.- Mae West
Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don't have for something they don't need.- Will Rogers
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't -Erica Jong
After fifteen minutes I wanted to marry her, and after half an hour I completely gave up the idea of stealing her purse.- Take the Money and Run (1969)  

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.- Mae West
 

All people know the same truth.Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.- Woody Allen (Harry Block - Deconstructing Harry - 1997)
Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.- Oscar Wilde
Always listen to the experts.They'll tell you what can't be done and why.Then do it.- Robert Heinlein
An excellent man; he has no enemies; and none of his friends like him.- Oscar Wilde
An old friend will help you move. A good friend will help you move a dead body.- Jim Hayes
And you just gotta remember, Sparky - no matter what they tell you - you can NEVER have too much sugar.- Michael (1996)
And you, Sonja, you look more beautiful standing here than you do in person. - Love and Death (1975)
Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain and most fools do.- Benjamin Franklin
Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.- Albert Einstein
 

Apology is only egotism wrong side out. - Oliver Wendell Holmes