Thoughts from work

Thoughts and stories from on the job

My boss came in one morning and caught me hugging my secretary. He said in a
rage, "Is this what you get paid for ?" I told him, "Nope ! I do this for free."

This same boss was into all this dumb inspirational and motivation stuff too. I remember once he posted a sign which read "Today is the tomorrow you
worried about yesterday." I couldn't resist and added a note: "And now you know why too". 

Once I came upon this pretty new temp standing in front of the paper shredder
with a confused look on her face. I asked if she needed any help and she said,
"Yeah, how does this thing work ?" I took the papers from her hand and
demonstrated how to work the shredder. She stood there a moment with yet anotherconfused expression, so I said, "Any questions ?" She said, "Yeah, exactly wheredo the copies come out from ? 

People always say that hard work never killed anybody. Oh yeah ??? When's thelast time ya ever heard of anyone who "rested to death". 

Being punctual in our Office was of no benefit what-so-ever. There was never
anybody around to appreciate it. 

Our Office was always on the cutting edge of technology. Not only did we have
computers which spoke as well as listened; Hell, some of them even got ulcers.

Did ya ever notice the people who complain the most about not having enough
time to do all their work are the same ones who always stop & tell everyone that
they don't have enuff time to do all their work.

Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work

Escapee definition: a fart that slips out while peeing or forcing poop in a
stall. this is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. this
is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and
speeding. if you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. pretend it did not
happen. if you are next to the farter, pretend that you did not hear it. no one
likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. making a joke or
laughing makes both parties feel uneasy. 

jailbreak (used in conjunction with escapee) definition: when forcing poop,
several farts slip out at a machine gun's pace. this is usually a side effect of
diarrhea or a hangover. if this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall
until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of
what just occurred. 

courtesy flush definition: the act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose
cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an
undisclosed location. this reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink
up the bathroom. this can help you avoid being caught doing the walk of shame.
walk of shame definition: walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. this can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. as with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. can be avoided with the use of a courtesy
flush. 

out of the closet pooper definition: a colleague who poops at work and is damn
proud of it. you will often see an out of the closet pooper enter the bathroom
with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. always look around the office forthe out of the closet pooper before entering the bathroom. 

the pooping friends network (pfn) definition: a group of coworkers who band
together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. this group can
help you to monitor the whereabouts of out of the closet poopers and identify
safe havens. 

safe haven definition: a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where
you can least expect visitors. try floors that are predominantly of the opposite
sex. this will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
turd burglar definition: a pooper who does not realize that you are in the
stall and tries to force the door open. this is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. if this occurs, remainin the stall until the turd burglar leaves. this way you will avoid all
uncomfortable eye contact. 

camo-cough definition: a phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a stall. this can be used to cover-up a watermelon or
to alert potential turd burglars. very effective when used in conjunction with an astaire

astaire definition: a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential turd burglars that you are occupying a stall. this will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. if you hear an astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace. 

watermelon definition: a turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. this is also an embarrassing incident. if you feel a watermelon coming on, create a diversion. see camo-cough. 

havana omelet definition: a load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. often accompanied by an escapee. try using a camo-cough with an astaire. 

uncle ted definition: a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. an uncle ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. this benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees. 

fly by definition: the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. walk in, check for other poopers. if there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. be careful not to become a frequent flyer. people may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom. 

crack whore definition: a crapper that has seen more ass than a greyhound bus.
telltale signs of a crack whore include pubes, piss stains and s*** streaks. avoid crack whores at all cost. try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. don't forget, with a good cleaning, a crack whore can become a safe haven. 

frequent flyer definition: someone who keeps going in the bathroom to check if
it is empty. this always looks bad for that person. 

have you ever heard of the "drag bunt?"- that is when you are walking by a bunch of people and farting the whole time, dragging it by the unknowing victims.

Job Performance Reviews

These are actual quotes taken from job performance reviews

1. I would not allow this employee to breed.

2. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won't be.

3. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

4. When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change which ever foot was previously there.

5. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

9. This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the better.

10. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

11. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching.

12. A room temperature IQ.

13. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together.

14. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

15. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

16. A prime candidate for natural deselection.

17. Bright as Alaska in December.

18. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.

19. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

20. Fell out of the family tree.

21. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

22. Has two brains: one is lost; the other is out looking for it.

23. He's so dense, light bends around him.

24. If brains were taxed, she'd get a refund.

25. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

26. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'll get change.

27. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

28. It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

29. One neuron short of a synapse.

30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.

31. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes.

32. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

33. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

34. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

The History Of Casual Day

Memo No. 1: Effective immediately, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day so that employees may express their diversity.

Memo No. 2: Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.

Memo No. 3: Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.

Memo No. 4: A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. Fashion show to follow. Attendance is mandatory.

Memo No. 5: As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper dress.

Memo No. 6: The Casual Day Task Force has completed a 30-page manual. A copy of "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards" has been mailed to each employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What You Wear" and consult the "home casual" versus "business casual" checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday. 

Memo No. 7: Because of lack of participation, Casual Day has been discontinued, effective immediately.

'THINGS MAMA TAUGHT ME'

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME......'LOGIC'
"If you fall of that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME......MEDICINE
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME......TO THINK AHEAD
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you are never going to get a good job."

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME......ESP
"Put your sweater on, Don't you think I know when your cold?"

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME......TO MEET A CHALLENGE
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you|.Don't talk back to me."

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME......HUMOR
"When the lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME......HOW TO BE AN ADULT
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT......SEX
"How do you think you got here?"

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT......GENETICS
"You are just like your father."

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT MY......ROOTS
"Do you think you were born in a barn?

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT......THE WISDOM OF AGE
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT......ANTICIPATION
"Just wait until your father gets home."

MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT......RECEIVING
"You are going to get it when we get home."

AND MY ALL TIME FAVORITE THING......JUSTICE
"One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU.....then you'll see what it's like."

FEW FUNNY JOKES

Take whatever humor you may out of these s, but please keep in mind, and I am not kidding, they were originally written by a nun in a convent. And yes, the convent has email! 

THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH: 1. He never got married. 2. He never held a steady job. 3. His last request was a drink. 

THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN: 1. He talked with his hands. 2. He had wine at every meal. 3. He worked in the building trades. 

THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN: 1. He never cut his hair. 2. He walked around barefoot. 3. He invented a new religion. 

AND, FINALLY, THE PROOF THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH: 1. He went into his father's business. 2. He lived at home until the age of 33.  3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure that he was God.

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We have all learned to live with voice mail as a
necessary part of modern life.  But have you ever
wondered, "what if God decided to install voice
mail?"  Imagine praying and hearing this:

Thank you for calling My Father's House.
Please select one of the following options:

Press 1 for requests
Press 2 for thanksgiving
Press 3 for complaints
Press 4 for all other inquiries

What if God used the familiar excuse...
"I'm sorry, all of our angels are busy helping
other sinners right now.  However, your prayer
is important to us and will be answered in the
order it was received. Please stay on the line."

Can you imagine getting these kinds of responses
as you call God in prayer? If you would like to
speak to:
Gabriel, Press 1
Michael, Press 2
For a directory of other Angels, Press 3
If you would like to hear King David sing a
psalm while you hold, please Press 4
To find out if a loved one has been assigned to
Heaven, Press 5, enter his or her Social Security
number, then press the pound key. (If you get a
negative response, try area code 666.)
For reservations at "My Father's House" please
enter J-O-H-N followed by 3-1-6.
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs,
the age of the earth, and where Noah's Ark is,
please wait until you arrive here.

Our computers show that you have already prayed once
today.  Please hang up and try again tomorrow.

How about:
This office is closed for the weekend please
call during normal business hours,
or...
We are closed to observe a religious holiday.
Please pray again tomorrow after 9:30 AM.  If you
need emergency assistance when this office is
closed, please contact your local pastor.

Hermeneutics in Everyday life!

Suppose you're traveling to work and you see a stop sign. What do you do?
That depends on how you exegete (interpret) the stop sign. 

1. A post modernist deconstructs the sign (knocks it over with his car), ending forever the tyranny of the north-south traffic over the east-west traffic. 

2. Similarly, a Marxist refuses to stop because he sees the stop sign as an instrument of class conflict. He concludes that the bourgeois use the north-south road and obstruct the progress of the workers in the east-west road. 

3. A serious and educated Catholic rolls through the intersection because he believes he cannot understand the stop sign apart from its interpretive community and tradition. Observing that the interpretive community doesn't take it too seriously, he doesn't feel obligated to take it too seriously either. 

4. An average Catholic (or Orthodox or Coptic or Anglican or Methodist or Presbyterian or whatever) doesn't bother to read the sign but he'll stop the car if the car in front of him does. 

5. A fundamentalist, taking the text very literally, stops at the stop sign and waits for it to tell him to go. 

6. A seminary educated evangelical preacher might look up "STOP" in his lexicons of English and discover that it can mean: 1) something which prevents motion, such as a plug for a drain, or a block of wood that prevents a door from closing; 2)a location where a train or bus lets off passengers. The main point of his sermon the following Sunday on this text is: when you see a stop sign, it is a place where traffic is naturally clogged, so it is a good place to let off passengers from your car. 

7. An orthodox Jew does one of two things: a) Take another route to work that doesn't have a stop sign so that he doesn't run the risk of disobeying the Law; b) Stop at the sign, say "Blessed art thou, O Lord our God, king of the universe, who hast given us thy commandment to stop," wait 3 seconds according to his watch, and then proceed. Incidentally, the Talmud has the following comments on this passage: Rabbi Meir says: He who does not stop shall not live long. R. Hillel says: Cursed is he who does not count to three before proceeding. R. Simon ben Yudah says: Why three? Because the Holy One, blessed be He, gave us the Law, the Prophets, and the Writings. R. ben Isaac says: Because of the three patriarchs. R. Yehuda says: Why bless the Lord at a stop sign? Because it says, "Be still and know that I am God."

8. A scholar from the Jesus Seminar concludes that the passage "STOP" undoubtedly was never uttered by Jesus himself because being the progressive Jew that he was, He would never have wanted to stifle peoples progress. Therefore, STOP must be a textual insertion belonging entirely to stage III of the gospel tradition, when the church was first confronted by traffic in its parking lot. 

9. A NT (New Testament) scholar notices that there is no stop sign on Mark street but there is one on Matthew and Luke streets, and concludes that the ones on Luke and Matthew streets are both copied from a sign on a street no one has ever seen called "Q" street. There is an excellent 300 page doctoral dissertation on the origin of these stop signs, and the differences between stop signs on Matthew and Luke street in the scholar's commentary on the passage. There is an unfortunate omission in the dissertation, however; it doesn't explain the meaning of the text! 

10. An OT (Old Testament) scholar points out that there are a number of stylistic differences between the first and second half of the passage "STOP." For example, "ST" contains no enclosed areas and five line endings, whereas "OP" contains two enclosed areas and only one line termination. He concludes that the author for the second part is different from the author on the first part and probably lived hundreds of years later. Later scholars determine that the second half is itself actually written by two separate authors because of similar stylistic differences between the "O" and the "P. 

11. Another prominent OT scholar notes in his commentary that the stop sign would fit better into the context three streets back.(Unfortunately, he neglected to explain why in his commentary.) Clearly it was moved to its present location by a later redactor. He thus exegetes the intersection as though the sign were not there. 

12. Because of the difficulties in interpretation, another OT scholar amends the text, changing the "T" to "H". "SHOP" is much easier to understand in context than "STOP" because of the multiplicity of stores in the area. The textual corruption probably occurred because "SHOP" is so similar to "STOP" on the sign several streets back, that it is a natural mistake for a scribe to make. Thus the sign should be interpreted to announce the existence of a shopping area. If this is true, it could indicate that both meanings are valid, thus making the thrust of the message "STOP (AND) SHOP." 

13. A "prophetic" preacher notices that the square root of the sum of the numeric representations of the letters S-T-O-P (sigma-tau-omicron-pi in the Greek alphabet), multiplied by 40 (the number of testing), and divided by four (the number of the world-north, south, east, and west) equals 666. Therefore, he concludes that stop signs are the dreaded "mark of the beast," a harbinger of divine judgment upon the world, and must be avoided at all costs.