The Basic Laws of Work

If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights. 

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt. 

Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 

It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and
what you're going to do. 

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than
you did before. 

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. 

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. 

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen
to you the rest of the day. 

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking
about themselves. 

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool
about it. 

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss
asks for a ride home from the office. 

Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. 

Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous." 

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour. 

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy. 

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed
to be doing. 

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. 

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it. 

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk. 

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. 

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done. 

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of
pens that person is carrying. 

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried. 

Following the rules will not get the job done. 

Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules. 

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?" 

No matter how much you do, you never do enough. 

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything
that goes wrong.

Good reasons for an office on-site bar

While most companies refrain from allowing consumption of alcohol on the premises, there are some good arguments for changing that policy. Reasons for allowing drinking at work include: 

1. It's an incentive to show up. 

2. It reduces stress. 

3. It leads to more honest communications. 

4. It reduces complaints about low pay. 

5. It cuts down on time off because you can cure hangovers, from the night before, with another drink. 

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear. 

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter. 

8. It encourages carpooling. 

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care. 

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work. 

11. It makes fellow employees look better. 

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better. 

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted. 

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

15. Suddenly, farting during a meeting isn't so embarrassing. 

16. No one will remember your strip act at the Christmas Party.

Not In College Anymore

The first realizations that you're not in college anymore

You're waking up at 6 a.m. instead of going to bed.

* Beers at lunch get you reprimanded.

* College sweatshirts are "casual" instead of dress up.

* Your parents charge rent.

* Your parents walk in while you are having sex, not your roommate.

* The five food groups are no longer beer, pizza, ramen, mac & cheese, and cereal.

* It's "getting late" when it's 9:30 p.m.

* Three words: school loan payments.

* You make thousands of dollars a year and still can't afford that dream Porsche.

* You start eyeing the Light Beer section appreciatively.

* Pickup football games mean that at least one person will be in the hospital by game's end.

* Discussing with your friends THEN: GPAs, phone rates, and tonsil hockey; NOW: IRAs, interest rates, and their kid's orthodontia.

* Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.

* Naps are no longer available between noon and 6 p.m.

* Sneakers are now "weekend shoes."

* Dinner and a movie = The whole date instead of the beginning of one.

* Your girlfriend being pregnant brings thought of tax deductions instead of coronaries.

* Jack and Cokes become Dewers on the Rocks.

* The only drugs you take are Tums and Tylenol.

* The weak single you hit in the intramural softball game is now remembered as a Varsity dinger for the League Championship.

* You get your news from sources other than USA Today, ESPNSportscenter, and MTV News.

* Random hook-ups are no longer acceptable.

* You wear more ties/skirts in a week than you even owned while taking classes.

* You find yourself reminiscing fondly of two-hour calculus exams.

* You empathize with the characters from 'Friends".

* METABOLISM SLOWS DOWN

* Football "season tickets" go from $75.00 for the season with dozens of friends to $750.00 for the season with the three other guys who want to get away from the family.

* Wine appreciation expands beyond Boone's and Mad Dog.

* You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

* Grocery lists contain relatively healthy food.

* When drinking, you say at least once per night, "I just can't put it down the same as I used to."

* You are the only person over the age of sixteen in your neighborhood with a Sega.

Mistake

Mistake: to err, to cause an error or make a mess

If a barber makes a mistake, It's a new style...

If a driver makes a mistake, It is an accident...

If an engineer makes a mistake, It is a new venture...

If parents make a mistake, It is a new generation...

If a politician makes a mistake, It is a new law...

If a scientist makes a mistake, It is a new invention...

If a tailor makes a mistake, It is a new fashion...

If a teacher makes a mistake, It is a new theory...

If our boss makes a mistake, It is our mistake......

If an employee makes a mistake, It is a "MISTAKE"

How To Screw Up An Interview

We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of
those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. 

If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The lowlights:

1. "... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."

2. "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."

3. " A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."

4. "... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."

5. "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve"

6. "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."

7. "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."

8. "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."

9 . "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."

10. "... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."

11. "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."

12. "While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold."

13. "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview."

14. "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?"I said, "I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further." He promptly responded, "I am as long as you'll pay me more.

15. "His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume."

16. "Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one."

17. "... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security."

18. "Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk."

Dating in College

1. In an imaginary world a kiss would signify the end of sexual tension and the beginning of a relationship. In college, it means somebody is horny.

2. In an imaginary world, "I really like spending time with you," and "You're cool," mean I REALLY like spending time with you and you ARE cool. In college, it means "will you have sex with me?"

3. In an imaginary world, holding hands is the first sign of true love. In college it means someone is too drunk to stand on their own.

4. In an imaginary world the guy buys dinner and a movie and kisses you goodnight at your front door. In college, there is no such thing as a dinner and a movie and at the end of a date, most guys want a hell of lot more that a kiss goodnight.

5. In an imaginary world, men aren't afraid to admit their feelings. In college, if you ask them what they want or why they kissed you they respond, "Why do you think?" Refer to number one for definition.

6. In an imaginary world, sleepovers are sleepovers. Just that. In college it's an orgy or pretty close to it.

7. In an imaginary world the guy might call you the day after. In college, you're lucky if he acknowledges your presence when you walk by . . . or if he does call back, refer to number one again, for the reason.

8. In an imaginary world even gorgeous guys are nice. In college, cute guys are asses, unattractive men are desparate, and nice guys finish last.

9. In an imaginary world, sex is sacred and special. In college, it happens every night between drunk strangers, who don't even know each others names.

10. In an imaginary world, men have only one girl, chickie, babe, woman. In college, you ARE the only one, except for, Jodi, Jean, Alisha, Sara, Laura, Liz, Christy, Carrie, Jen, Mary, Katie, Jocelyn, Lynda, Alyssa, Jessica, Cory, Rachel, Heather . . .

Laws Of Work

·        The first 90% of a project takes 10% of the time, the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.

·        If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

·        A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

·        Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

·        It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.

·        After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

·        The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

·        You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

·        Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

·        When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

·        If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

·        There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

·        Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.

·        Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

·        Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

·        To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

·        Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

·        Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

·        If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

·        You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

·        People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

·        If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

·        At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

·        When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

Evaluation comments

Dictionary of Evaluation Comments 

Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in allthose glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.

AVERAGE: Not too bright. 

EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date. 

ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily.

ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated.

CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law. 

UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement.

QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors. 

TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited. 

TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPERTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors.

INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors.

STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk.

TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut.

APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job.

A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused. 

NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to college.

EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together. 

SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life. 

CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared. 

METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker.

DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice.

JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky. 

MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob. 

KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: Knows lots of dirty jokes.

STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn. 

GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A coward. 

SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid. 

OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time.

IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one else. 

ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip. 

REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed. 

HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way. 

ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do. 

HAPPY: Paid too much. 

WELL ORGANIZED: Does too much busywork. 

COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.

CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Annoying. 

WILL GO FAR: Relative of management. 

SHOULD GO FAR: Please. 

USES TIME EFFECTIVELY: Clock watcher. 

VERY CREATIVE: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work. 

USES RESOURSES WELL: Delegates everything. 

DESERVES PROMOTION: Create new title to make h/h feel appreciated.

Employee evaluations.

Quotes taken from actual employee evaluations:

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."
4. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

9. "This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts, the better."

The Basic Laws of Work

If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 

It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do. 

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before. 

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. 

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. 

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves. 

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. 

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office. 

Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. 

Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous." 

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour. 

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy. 

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing. 

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. 

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it. 

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. 

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done. 

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying. 

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

Following the rules will not get the job done. 

Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules. 

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?" 

No matter how much you do, you never do enough. 

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

Murphy's work laws

MURPHY'S LAWS ON WORK

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.

Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many.

Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. This is what I'm doing wrong.

Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong - until the next person quits or is fired.

There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.

The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...).

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

People are always available for work in the past tense.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.

No one gets sick on Wednesdays.

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

The longer the title, the less important the job.

Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.

An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.

Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.

All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.

Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.