My First Time

The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone
Just her and I
Her hair so soft
Her eyes so blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
To place my hand
On her breasts
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart
And when she did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time
Milking a cow!

Caught Speeding

 

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle
please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The first officer is stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

I Like the Way You Think

 

One day in school the teacher asks little Johnny,
"If there were five birds on the tree and you shoot two birds with your gun then how many would be left?"
"None because they would all fly away.", replies little Johnny.
"That is incorrect.", says the teacher, "there would be three left, but I like the way you think."
Then little Johnny asks the teacher,
"If there were three women on the bench with an ice cream cone, one bitting on the cone, the other sucking the cone, and the last one licking her cone, which one is married?"
"The one sucking on the cone," guessed the teacher.
"That is incorrect," replies little Johnny," The one with the wedding ring on her finger is married, but I like the way you think."

Ways To Turn Men Down

 

He: Can I buy you a drink?
She: Actually, i'd rather have the money
He: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
She: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.
He: Your face must turn a few heads.
She: And your face must turn a few stomachs.
He: Haven't I seen you some place before?
She: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
He: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
She: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
He: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
She: Unfertilized.
He: I want to give myself to you.
She: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.
He: Didn't we go on a date once? or was it twice?
She: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

Clever Pick Up Lines

 

I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock.
I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.
Let's do breakfast tomorrow. Should I call you or nudge you?
Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way.
Is it that cold out or are you just smuggling tic-tac's.
You with those curves, and me with no brakes ...
Aw, girl, I'm gonna have to put you on my "To Do" List!
Save a horse -- ride a cowboy.
Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart.
If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
What do you say we go back to my crib and do some math: Add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide your legs, and multiply
Your place or mine? Tell you what? I'll flip a coin. Head at my place, tail at yours
Love is a sensation, caused by a temptation, to feel penetration. a guy sticks his location in a girl's destination, to increase the population for the next generation, did you get my explanation, or do you need a demonstration?
I have a six inch tongue and I can breath through my ears
My boys over there bet that I wouldn't be able to start a conversation with the most beautiful girl in the room. Want to buy some drinks with their money?

Funny Pick Up Lines

 

You ain't the HOTTEST guy here tonight, but beauty is only a light-switch away!
So ya wanta put your pickle in my juicy jar!!!
Is your dad a terrorist? Cuz you da bomb!
Lets play Pearl Harber, I lay down and you blow me to heaven
Is that dress felt ? Would you like it to be.
What's a big girl like you doing in a small town like this.
Lets play house, you be the screandoor and i'll bang you all night long.
Sure its a needle but it moves like a sewing machine
You wanna come over to my house and play battleship. I can show you my destroyer

BUMPER STICKERS SIGHTED THROUGHOUT THE WORLD 

 
"The gene pool could use a little chlorine."

"I love cats...they taste just like chicken"

"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."

"Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician"

"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather....
Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...."

"Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"

"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"

"Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!"

"He who laughs last thinks slowest"
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

"i souport publik edekasion"
"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."

"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"

"Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. -Dorothy."

"All generalizations are false."
"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."

"Time is what keeps everything from happening at once."

"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

" Seen on an old, beat-up car: "This is not an abandoned vehicle."

"Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death"
"Cover me. I'm changing lanes."
"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools"

"The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."

"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"

"All men are Idiots, and I married their King!"

"Work is for people who don't know how to fish"

"Montana --- At least our cows are sane!"

"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."

"Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition."

"It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."

"If you don't like the news, go out and make some."

"I Brake For No Apparent Reason."
"When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS."

"Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

"I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!"

"No Radio - Already Stolen"
"Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges."

"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."

"When there's a will, I want to be in it!"

"Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?"

"Few women admit their age, Few men act it! "

"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!"

"Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!"

"Tell me to 'Stuff It' - I'm a taxidermist."

"IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got. "

"Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all it's students!"

"It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."

"According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist."

"Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have."

"A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory."

"How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"

Seen on a woman's car:

"Men call us birds, we pick up worms"

"Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."

"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."

"We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?"

"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."

"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."

"Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy." "Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."

"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."

"Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"

"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock."
"I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles."
"I is a college student."
"Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself."

"I'm out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?"