Real Life vs. Movies

Life's really not like the movies.

 

Movies: The hero calmly walks away without flinching as the building explodes behind him.    
Real life: You totally crap yourself when a car backfires behind you. 

Movies: The hero takes a bullet to the shoulder, winces, pours whiskey on the wound and cuts the bullet out with his knife.
Real life: You get a paper cut, cry like a schoolgirl, and demand worker's comp. 

Movies: Spectacular super slo-mo action.
Real life: What the hell just happened? 

Movies: The plumber is young, handsome, tan, and snakes your pipes in return for "snaking your pipes."
Real life: The plumber looks like Ernest Borgnine after an all-night bender and charges $150 to walk in the door.

Movies: The tough cowboy bursts through the swinging doors of the Main Street Saloon and serves up some justice to the bad guy who's been running roughshod over the townspeople by brute force.
Real life: The waiter bursts through the swinging doors of the Wall Street kitchen and serves up some caviar crepes with truffle pesto sauce to bad guy who's been running roughshod over the townspeople by loot force. 

Movies: You finally find the inner fortitude to uppercut the school bully, sending him into a punchbowl and/or cake.
Real life: Years later, you find yourself serving the same bully punch and/or cake. 

Movies: When you deliver a pizza, you're greeted at the door by shapely horny women who invite you in for the ultimate sexual fantasy.
Real life: When you deliver a pizza, you're greeted at the door by a fantasy baseball league.  

Movies: Hottie behind the register at Victoria's Secret flashes a little cleavage, and beckons him to the back room.
Real life: Scotty behind the register at Costco flashes a little man-boob, and asks if he can bum a smoke off you out back.  

Movies: The hero always slides the back of two fingers down the pretty girl's cheek and says, "You know how the game is played, don't you sweetie?"
Real life: You try it once and HR gets involved.

Movies: Boy gets girl, boy loses girl, boy gets girl back.
Real life: Boy loses girl, boy loses another girl, boy tries boy, boy loses boy, too.  

Movies: Johnny Depp is a quasi-effeminate, usually drunk swashbuckling pirate who can somehow sleep with any woman he wants.
Real life: Johnny Depp is a quasi-effeminate, moderately talented actor who can somehow sleep with any woman he wants.  

Movies: James Bond deftly clips the correct wire and defuses the terrorist-rigged nuclear bomb, saving an entire city.
Real life: You attempt to change a fuse in your basement and inadvertently cause a city-wide blackout.  

Movies: Everyone around you at the bus stop breaks into song.
Real life: You're dangerously close to get your ass kicked because you're the only one singing, gleek.  

Movies: Shy, gawky dude with indefatigable charm and quirky foibles wins over heroine's heart, marries her, and lives happily ever after.
Real life: You're 47 and spend your time playing World of Warcraft in your parents' basement.        
Movies: The hooker has a heart of gold.
Real life: The "hooker" has a badge of gold.

Real life: Adam Sandler is probably kind of funny.  
Real life: $8 buys a year's worth of popcorn. 

Daffynitions

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Abdicate: To give up all hope of having a flat stomach.

Adminisphere: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

Administrivia: All of the annoying little tasks associated with your job. 

Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

Aflockalypse: When all those birds fell out of the sky.

Aibohphobia: Fear of palindromes. 

Aquadextrous: Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.

Arachnoleptic fit: The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.

Aromatic: An automatic crossbow.

Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Balderdash: A rapidly receding hairline.

Baloney: Some hemlines fall here.

Barbecue: A line of people waiting for a haircut.

Beauty Parlor: A place where women curl up and dye.

Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

Bouyant: A male insect.

Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Bungee Jumping: Suicide, with strings attached. 

Burglarize: What a crook sees with.

Cannibal: Someone who is fed up with people.

Carpetuation: The act of (when vacuuming) running over a piece of string at least a dozen times, bending over, picking it up, examining it and then dropping it again to let the vacuum have another chance.

Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Caterpallor: The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

Chickens: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

Circumvent: The opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Claustrophobia: The fear of Santa Claus.

Committee: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Cobra: A brasseire for conjoined twins.

Coffee: The person on whom one coughs.

Control: A short, bearded prison inmate.

Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

Craughed: To laugh and cry simultaneously.

Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.

Debate: What lures de fishes.

Decafalon: The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Depart: De white line down de middle of de hair. 

Diplomacy: The art of letting someone else have your way.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Dust: Mud with the juice squeezed out. 

Eclipse: What an English barber does for a living.

Egotist: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

Elbonics: The art of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a theatre.

Esplanade: To attempt an explanation while drunk.

Extravaganza: The spare vaganza you keep on hand in case you run out of vaganzas. 

Eyedropper: A clumsy ophthalmologist.

Fine: A tax for doing wrong.

Flabbergasted: Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

Flatulence: Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

Flusterpated: Being so flustered that words get bound up inside you.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Frisbeetarianism: The belief that when one dies, the soul flies up to the roof and gets stuck there.

Gargoyle: Olive flavor mouthwash.

Generica: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Gossip: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

Handkerchief: Cold Storage.

Heroes: What a guy in a boat does.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: Fear of long words. 

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a**hole.

Inflation: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Instigator: What you add water to when you want an alligator. 

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O. J. trials were a prime example.

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

Lasterday: Any day before today.

Left Bank: What the robber did after his bag was full of loot.

Lymph: Walk with a lisp.

Lysdexia: A peech imspediment we live to learn with.

Matricide: Killing yourself on a bed.

Mistress: Somewhere between a mister and a mattress.

Misty: Why a golfer creates a divot.

Monogamy: A bored game for adults.

Mosquito: An insect that makes you like flies better.

Moth: Green thtuff found on the north thide of treeth.

Mouse Potato: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

Myth: A female moth.

Naggravator: The person in the passenger seat who is having trouble reading the map. Also, anyone who is helping to drive but not actually behind the wheel. 

Namesis: A person who shares your name but is much richer and more famous than you.

Negligent: Absent-mindedly answering the door wearing only a nightgown.

Octopus: An eight-sided cat.

Onosecond: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Out of Bounds: An exhausted kangaroo.

Oyster: A person who sprinkles his conversations with Yiddishisms.

Parachute: A double barreled shotgun.

Parasites: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Pedestrian: A motorist with two or more children of driving age.

Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking an electronic device to get it to work again.

Perfect Pitch: When you throw a banjo in a dumpster and it didn't hit the sides.

Petranoid: Someone who is both petrified and paranoid. Usually a mother.

Pharmacist:: A helper on the farm.

Phonecrastinate: To put off answering the phone until caller ID identifies the caller.

Pokemon: A Rastafarian proctologist.

Polarize: What penguins see with.

Porcupine: A craving for bacon.

Posse: A Wild West cat.

Primate: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

Raisin: Grape with a sunburn.

Rectitude: The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Relief: What trees do in the spring.

Rubberneck: What you do to relax your wife.

Safecracker: A cracker without caviar on it.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Seamstress: 250 pounds in a size six.

Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

Secret: Something you tell to one person at a time.

Selfish: What the owner of a seafood store does.

SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

Stalemate: An old spouse.

Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiney.

Subdued: Like, a guy, like, who works on one of those, like, submarines, man.

Sudafed: Bringing litigation against a government official.

Swipeout: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

Syndrome: Committing wrongdoing in the Vatican.

Syntax: Money in the collection plate.

Testicle: A funny question on an examination.

Tomorrow: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

Toothache: The pain that drives you to extraction.

Ukraine: A female sheep lifting device.

Vocabularian: A person who makes up new words.

Will: A dead giveaway.

Willy-nilly: Impotent.

Wrinkles: Something other people have. You have character lines.

Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

Yawn: An honest opinion openly expressed.

Cute Jokes

A plethora of cute and short jokes for you.

My girlfriend has just left me saying I spend too much time devoted to my studies of Roman Numerals. I’m L I V I D.

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste.

It's Christmas morning and as the little boy comes down the stairway, he sees his Dad in his nightshirt arranging presents under the tree. "Hi Dad! Who's getting the bagpipes?"

If you have diarrhea, never trust a fart.

What do you call a grizzly bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.

Why can't you get cell phone service when you're naked? No shirt, no shoes, no service.

 What do dwarves use to cut their pizza? Little Caesars.

A farmer wants to know how many sheep he has in his field, so he asks his border collie to count them. The dog runs into the field, counts them and runs back to the farmer. The farmer says, "How many?" The dog says, "40." The farmer is surprised and says, "How can there be 40 - I only bought 38!" The dog says, "I rounded them up."

Caffeine is proof that God loves us and wants us to pay attention.

The Lenscrafter technician got his tie caught in the machine and he made a spectacle of himself.

If it wasn't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

Where does virgin wool come from? Ugly sheep?

I've got some Carefree gum, but it hasn't kicked in yet. I'm worried.

If you're killed by a wild pig, does that mean you were boared to death?

Walking can add minutes to your life. That enables you at 85 to spend an additional 5 months in the nursing home at $7,000 per month. 

Marriage isn't a sprint, it's a marathon. I've run a marathon, and I was happy when it was over!

Quasimodo is sitting in the kitchen when his mother comes in, carrying a wok. He says, "I love Chinese food!". Quasimodo's mother says, "No, I'm going to use this to iron your shirts!" 

It's always I before E. Isn't that weird?

I ordered a honeymoon salad. It's lettuce, alone.

Mexican firefighters are always paired up - Jose and Hose B.

Politicians should serve two terms. One in office, one in prison.

If you want more time, wear more watches.

If you give someone a piece of your mind, are you left with peace of mind?

A sign in a store read "Only sightseeing dogs allowed". I wonder if you put a Hawaiian shirt and a camera on your dog, if he could get in.

Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried to slam a revolving door. 

A man was arrested for dressing up like a woman. He was charged with male fraud. 

Time is what keeps everything from happening all at once.

People from New York are called New Yorkers. Are people from Hamburg called Hamburgers? 

If you're going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

About a month before he died, my grandmother covered my grandfather with lard. After that, he went downhill very quickly.

Why did the chicken cross the road? To prove to the squirrels it could be done. 

When my ship comes in, I'll be at the airport.

A man got a blood transfusion, but the hospital ran out of blood - so substituted borscht. Now his heart never skips a beet. 

What did Ernie say when his best friend asked him if he wanted some ice cream? "Sure, Bert!"

I like bananas, but they lose their appeal quickly.

FEW EXAMPLES TO HELP YOU 

 HOW TO WRITE LETTERS

ARKANSAS MOTHER WRITES HER SON

Dearest Redneck Son,

        I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. 

We don't live where we did when you left home.  Your dad read in

the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from

your home, so we moved.

        I won't be able to send you the address because the last

Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they

moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

        This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine.

I'm not sure it works so well though.  Last week I put a load of

clothes in and pulled the chain...we haven't seen them since.

        The weather isn't bad here.  It only rained twice last

week; the first time for three days and the second time for four

days.

        About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle

Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the

buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

        John locked his keys in the car yesterday.  We were

really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your

father out.

        Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found

out what it is yet so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle.

The baby looks just like your brother.

        Uncle Ted fell in a whisky vat last week.  Some men tried

to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drpwmed.

We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

        Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup

truck.  Ralph was driving.  He rolled down the window and swam 

to safety.  Your other two friends were in back.  They drowned

because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

        There isn't much more news at this time.  Nothing much

out of the normal has happened.

                                        Love,   Mom

*************************************************************

Why Jim Smith Lost His First Love

Jim Smith wished to buy a present for his first sweetheart, and

after careful consideration he decided on a pair of gloves.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, he went to a department

store and bought a pair of white gloves.  The sister purchased a pair

of panties for herself.  During the wrapping, the items got mixed up.

(The sweetheart got the panties.)  Without checking the contents, Jim

sealed his package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note.

Dearest Darling,

This is a little gift to show you I have not forgotten you this Christmas.

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing

any when we go out in the evening.  If it had not been for your younger

sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears

the short ones that are easy to remove.  These are a delicate shade, but

the lady I bought them from showed me a pair that she had worn for three

weeks and they were hardly soiled.  I had the sales girl try them on and

she really looked smart.  I wish I could put them on you the first time.

No doubt, other men's hands will come in contact with them before I have

the chance to see you again.  When you take them off blow in them before

putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Be sure to keep them on when you clean them or they might shrink.  I hope

you like them and will wear them for me next Friday night.

               

                                           All My Love,

                                           Jimmy

P.S.  Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year.

      Also, the sales girl showed me how they look when worn in the

      latest style - folded down with the fur showing.

***************************************************************

Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married,

Merry Christmas to you, and please don't worry. I'm just fine considering

I can't breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice

holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. I've sent along

my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you'll spend on my

grandchildren. God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They

look so thin in their pictures, poor babies.

Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy. I put them in the

freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me -- we buried

Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a

good funeral so Aunt Viola and I dug her up and had the services all over

again. I would have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would

have never let you come. I bet she's never even watched that videotape of

my haemorrhoid surgery, has she?

Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my cane beating

off muggers last week, but don't you worry about me. I'm also getting used

to the cold since they turned my heat off and am grateful because the

frost on my bed numbs the constant pain. Now don't you even think about

sending any more money, because I know you need it for those expensive

family vacations you take every year. Give my love to my darling

grandbabies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is -- the one with the

black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom.

Merry Christmas.

Love, Mom

************************************************************

Dear John,

I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement.

Won't you fogive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart.

I was a fool, nobody can take your place. I love you.

All my love,

Belinda.

PS Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.

**************************************************************

A Letter from Account Receivables

DATE

COMPANY

ADDRESS

CITY, STATE, ZIP

Attention:  _____________________

Dear    ____________________,

Will you get off your dead ass and take care of your obligations!  We are

still holding the insufficient check that we called you on over a month

ago.  I know you told me you were waiting to get paid for a job that was

due over a year ago.  Get real.  If they haven't paid you yet they are

probably not going to.  That is not our problem.

Girl, you are going to go to jail if you don't pay for this check.  We are

not willing to wait any longer for our money.  If I had my way, we wouldn't

sell you any product at all.  You are not a good risk.  We put you on open

account and you drug your feet in paying us, so we put you on COD only and

now are sitting on a check you wrote when you knew damn good and well that

it wasn't worth the paper it was printed on.  And I love how you got your

husband involved.  When I made the first phone call, he acted incredulous

that the check wasn't any good.  He had me going!

The prosecutor of our county will be contacting you.  She is really good at

collecting.  Kelly's her name and collecting is her game!

One other point, we will only accept a credit card payment for any

purchases you make with us from now on.  We will let the credit card

company charge you 20+% for as long as it takes for you to pay them.

Again, not our problem.

Yours truly,

Accounts Receivables

*********************************************************

THANK YOU

Thank you to all my friends who sent me such important emails this year!

It's so wonderful that you included me in your quest to inform!

Because of all of you I stopped drinking Coca-Cola after I found out

from you that it's good for removing toilet stains and rusting the

arse out of 40-gallon drum.

I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected

with a disease.

I smell like a homeless f*@k, but thank goodness I stopped using

deodorant because you said it causes cancer.

I don't leave my car in any parking lot even though I sometimes have

to walk about seventeen blocks, because you said that someone might

drug me with a perfume sample and then try to rob me.

I also stopped answering the phone because you said that they will ask

me to dial a stupid number and then I get a high phone bill with

calls to Uganda, Singapore, Tokyo and maybe the Mars Rover.

I stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because you told me they are

nothing more than horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers that

are bred in a lab so that places like McDonalds and KFC can sell their

wares.

I also stopped drinking anything out of a can - you said that I would

get sick from the rat faeces and urine.

When I go to parties, I now don't mix with anybody or talk to anybody

- you said that someone would take my kidneys and leave me taking a

nap in a bathtub full of ice.

However, the police are also after me at present because you said not

to pull over, as they could be fake policemen trying to kidnap me.

I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I wrote, in anticipation of

the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I

participated in their special e-mail program.

It's weird, though, that my new free cell phone never arrived, and

neither did the passes for my paid vacation to Disneyland. But I am

positive that all this is because of the chain I broke or forgot to

follow and I got a curse.

*****************************************************************

POLITICALLY CORRECT SEASONS GREETINGS

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes

For an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress,

non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the northern hemisphere

summer solstice, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the

religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practice of your choice,

with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of

others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions

at all. And a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically

uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 2005,

but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures

whose contributions to society have helped make our country great, and

without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability,

religious faith, sexual orientation or choice of computer platform and

operating system of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms:

1.   The greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal.

2.   It is freely transferable with no alteration the original greeting.

3.   It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the

     wishes for her/himself or others.

4.   It is void where prohibited by law, and

5.   It is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.

This wish is warranted to perform as expected with the usual application

of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a

subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is

limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the

sole discretion of the wisher.

Disclaimer:

The color blue has not intentionally been omitted from this season.

Blue has never applied for recognition as an official colour of this

particular holiday observance and I neither oppose nor endorse the

use of the color blue.

*******************************************************************

The Importance Of "Correct Punctuation"

Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind,

thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and

inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no

feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let

me be yours?

Gloria

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind,

thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and

inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no

feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you

let me be?

Yours,

Gloria

*******************************************************************

Guys,

I have never written asking for your help before, but I really need your

advice. 

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. 

The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. 

My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I

ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don't

know them.'

I try to stay awake and look out for her when she comes home, but  I

usually fall asleep. 

Anyway, I have never broached the subject with  my wife. 

I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she

went out again and I decided to finally check on her. 

Around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I  could get a

good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with

'the girls. '

When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which  was

open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. 

It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I  noticed a

hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my 3-wood.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro-shop

where I bought it?

****************************************************************

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She also

enjoys writing to relatives.   

Dear Family, 

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk

if you love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that

day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by

a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my

bumper. Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought

about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had

changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't

honked,  I'd never have noticed.   I found that lots of people love Jesus!

 While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and

then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!  Go!

Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'    What an exuberant cheerleader he was for

Jesus!    Everyone started honking!   

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those

loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him

yelling something about a sunny beach. 

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck

up in the air.   I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what

that meant.    He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or

something. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the

window and gave him the good luck sign right back. My grandson burst out

laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they

got out of their cars and started walking towards me.  I bet they wanted to

pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light

had changed.  So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and

drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before

the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after

all the love we had shared.   So I slowed the car down, leaned out the

window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I

drove away.  Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love,

Granny Mabel

Top 11 signs you watch too much TV

11) You end telephone conversations with the phrase, "You are
the weakest link. Goodbye!"
10) You wonder why the people at TV guide have never won the
Pulitzer Prize.
9) Your lifelong dream is to say "Live from New York, its
Saturday Night!!"
8) You keep wooden stakes and garlic handy in case Buffy ever
needs your help.
7) Every time someone angers you, you threaten to "vote them off
the island" the next chance you get.
6) You wonder if the dog from "Frasier" will ever be as big as
Lassie.
5) You write angry letters in Klingon to the producers of Star
Trek wondering why the hell Seven of Nine doesn't get more face
time.
4) You wonder if today is the day the coyote finally catches the
roadrunner.
3) You end every conversation with "And that's the bottom line,
cause (insert your name here) said so."
2) You honestly believe that you can pass medical school based
solely on your knowledge from watching "ER".
and the number one reason you know you've been watching too much
TV...
1) Every time someone answers one of your questions, you ask,
"Is that your final answer?"

 

What I Learned From Horror Movies

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If you ever find yourself in a horror movie situation.....always
remember this.
1. If you say "I'll be right right back".......you're not coming
back.
2. If you decide to sit in a the chair in the middle of a old
dreary cob-webbed room, and the door closes behind you.... it's
not the wind...and you might as well sit in that chair, put your
head between your knees and kiss your ass goodbye.
3. If your not famous you might as well commit suicide.
4. The person you hate most will always be the one your stuck
with in that life-or-death situation.
5. If you make a new friend your will be the one to ethier find
their mutalated body or see them being killed, while your
helplessly tied to the table.
6. Black dudes alway die first.
7. When the mood of the music changes, RUN LIKE HELL!!!
8. Never, under any cercumstances go to the
BASEMENT.......Hello, darkness, boxes, pipes.........Where is
the first place your killers gonna hide????
9. If you suspect your husband or boyfriend is the killer, but
your best friend tells you your crazy.....she's wrong, he is the
killer and you're next...........DUMP HIS ASS!!! There are other
fish in the sea.
10. The person you least expect weather they stutter, are
small,"too" young, or act timid......they are the killer,
specially the retarded younger brother or sister.
11. When you are being chased in your house by the killer, and
you have two options....the door outside or upstairs.....please,
for god-sake don't go upstairs.
12. If there is a killer in your dreams that has a burnt face
and knives for hands, it's time to buy coffee.....I mean come
on, haven't you seen Freddy Kruger!
13. Attacks by your killers are always after watching a horror
movie.
14. There is always someone in the house that is killed before
you are, then you find them, scream, and run straight into the
killer......SMART ONE!!
15. If you get a phone call, telling you to check
outside.......why bother???? They've already found a way in.
16. if you get an anonomous call from someone breathing
heavily....no, it's not your kid brother playing tricks.....and
it doesn't help to try to call the police cause just as they
pick up, the phone will go dead.......and they will come and
find you mutillated in the living room.
17. If your companions walk out of the room to get something,
you better get out of that damn house, forget them their long
gone.
18.The idea of safety in numbers, does not, I repeat DOES NOT
apply here......eventualy one of you will have to go to the
bathroom.
19. Screaming won't help.......usually your in the middle of the
woods in a small town.
20. When check noices......bring some kind of a
weapon.........no matter how old the house is, or how hard the
winds blowing....Noices don't just happen.

 

Things to Do at a Boring Movie

1. Wear a top hat.
2. Throw popcorn in the air and yell, "It's snowing!"
3. Go, "Oooooh..." whenever anyone kisses.
4. Clap when the good guy gets killed.
5. Make a noise like your passing gas and go, "Ahhh..."
6. Start wheezing and ask the person next to you if you can have some
Juiji Fruits for you asthma.
7. During the previews, yell, "Can you fast-forward it?"
8. Whenever the bad guy is doing something devious, say, "Watch out!"
9. Laugh very loudly at all the corny jokes.
10. Tell the man selling popcorn that the girls' bathroom is flooding.
11. Yell out what is going to happen.
12. Tell the man next to you that you have diarrhea and wink while smiling.
13. Wear a cape and when its your turn to get popcorn yell, "I'm Batman!
Hahaha!" and run away.
14. Yell, "Fire!" and moon the people coming through the exit.
15. Say that they cannot sit next to you because your invisible friend
already is.
16. Yell out loud, "Stop molesting me!"
17. Gently, very softly, place a single pooped kernel of corn on the head
of the person in front of you.
18. Scream out, "Hey, this isn't Bambi!"
19. Stare at the person sitting across the aisle from you, then quickley
look back at the screen when they notice, then stare at them again when
they turn back to the screen.
20. See if you can get a moistened Jujy Fruit to stick to the screen.
21. Yell to the projectionist, "Can you pause it? I gotta pee!"

 

Top Ten Reasons Star Wars Is Better Than Star Trek

10. "Look sir, droids!"
9. No time travlers picking up their own heads.
8. No alternate universes.
7. No transporters to save your butt at the last minute.
6. Aliens with makeup somewhere besides their foreheads.
5. Starship battles in 3 dimensions.
4. War, not neutral zones!
3. No ultra-powerful aliens with one-letter names.
2. No holodecks for lame plot ideas invented by actors.
1. Princess Leia in that slave girl outfit at Jabba's!