Quips & Quotes on the Office

"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to
discuss it with the employees."
- Switching Supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division

Did you ever notice the people who complain the most about not having enough
time to do all their work are the same ones who always stop & tell everyone that
they don't have enough time to do all their work?
"The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in
the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."- Robert Frost

Employed by the human-development center of a corporation in the Midwest, myfriend trains employees in proper dress codes and etiquette. One day as she wasstepping onto the elevator, a man casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt goton with her. Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, "Dressed a little
casually today, aren't we?" The man replied, "That's one benefit of owning the
company.""Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job
WRONG fourteen times gives you job security."- Unknown

Being punctual in our office was of no benefit what-so-ever. There was never
anybody around to appreciate it."Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether."- Unknown

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, Sir." the new recruit replied. "Well, then, that makes everything just
fine," the boss continued. "After you left the office early yesterday to go to
your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you!""Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker."- Unknown

Our office was always on the cutting edge of technology. Not only did we have
computers which spoke as well as listened, some of them even got ulcers.
"We waste more time by 8:00 in the morning than other companies do all day."
- Unknown

Stevenson's boss came into his office one morning and caught him hugging his
secretary. He said in a rage, "Is this what you get paid for?!" Stevenson
replied, "Nope, I do this for free!""Arguing with an Engineer is a lot like wrestling in the mud with a pig: After a few hours, you realize the pig likes it."

- Unknown

The pretty new temp was standing in front of the paper shredder with a
confused look on her face. Stevenson asked if she needed any help and she said,
"Yeah, how does this thing work?" He took the papers from her hand and
demonstrated how to work the shredder. She stood there a moment with yet anotherconfused expression, so Stevenson said, "Any questions?" She said, "Yeah...exactly where do the copies come out from?""This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting."- Unknown

 

Rejection Letters

Dear Sir: 

A few days ago, you phoned us about the job you
applied for with our company, and we told you that you did not
get the job. However, we are now writing to inform you that you
did not get the job. We wanted to make sure you understood that.

Sincerely,
Personnel Department

********************

Dear Sir:

Congratulations! You got the job! That is probably what you were
hoping this letter would say. But it doesn't, because you didn't.

Sincerely,
Human Recourses

********************

Dear Sir:

You recently applied for a position with us, but you did not get
it, as we have informed you by phone and by mail. However, we
have not heard back from you that you completely understand that
you failed to get the job. Please call or write and let us know
that you realize that you are not employed by us in any way, and
never will be.

Sincerely,
Personnel Department

********************

Dear Sir:

Please be advised that the person we hired instead of you has
been promoted to department manager, and he has asked us to
inform you that, should a position open up, he would not hire
you.

Sincerely,
Personnel Department

********************

Dear Sir:

Would you consider taking a job for less pay than we originally
discussed, even though we would never offer you such a job?

Sincerely,
Personnel

********************

Dear Sir:

If it is any consolation, we feel that if we had hired you, by
now we would have been forced to let you go.

Sincerely,
Human Recources

********************

Dear Sir:

We are writing to find out what kind of carpeting and curtains
you want in your new office. . . . Wait, we made a mistake.
You're the wrong person. Oh, well, we're going to go ahead and
send this letter to you anyway.

Sincerely,
Personnel Department

********************

Dear Sir:

Could you report for work first thing Monday morning, if you had
a job? Just curious.

Sincerely,
Personnel Department

********************

Dear Sir:

While updating our file of job applications, yours was folded
into a paper airplane and was accidentally sailed out the
window. Would you mind filling out the enclosed application and
mailing it back to us in the shape of an airplane?

Sincerely,
Personnel Department

********************

Dear Sir:

It has come to our attention that an employee in our department
has been sending you unauthorized and inappropriate letters. We
have told him not only that he is fired but that we are hiring
you in his place. He left here in an uproar, swearing that he
was "going to find (you) and crush (your) head like a walnut."
(Some of us think he said "like a peanut," but most think he
said "walnut.") If he shows up at your apartment, please explain
to him that we were just kidding; we would never hire you.

Sincerely,
Personnel Department