HELPFUL TIPS TO
MAKE LIFE SIMPLE
Old telephone books make ideal personal address books.
Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.
* Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.
* Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.
* Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
* No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
* Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).
* If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
* Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
* Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.
* Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.
* Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
* No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
* Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).
* If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
* Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
RULES OF THE ROAD
* If, at any time, you have witnessed a green light,
it is okay to proceed through the intersection, regardless of the current state
of the light.
* The shoulder becomes a lane if you are driving a Porsche.
* If you paid more than $60,000 for your car, you automatically have the right of way, regardless of the situation. This is especially applicable in parking lots.
* Drive as quickly as possible through parking structures. Pass any open spot by at least four car lengths before backing up to claim it. Disregard the angry mob that has formed behind you.
* While driving on the freeway and talking on your cell phone, alternate between 45 and 100 MPH. This is especially effective if driving in the fast lane.
* Every lane is the suicide lane.
* Always set the alarm to its most sensitive setting before leaving your parked car.
* If you miss your exit, no worries. Just cut across six lanes of traffic and drive over the divider. If you really weren't supposed to cross it, they would make it out of concrete instead of painted lines.
* For parking purposes, all SUV's are compact cars. Honest!
* To calculate the proper speed limit on the freeway, subtract your age from 100. Double this number if your car has dual exhaust. Conversely, add your age to 100 if you are suffering from (or past) your midlife crisis.
* If you hear sirens, DO NOT pull over. Slow down exactly where you are and start looking for carnage.
* If a cop attempts to pull you over, give chase. You won't get away, but it's guaranteed you'll make live TV. Toward the end of the chase, be sure to throw random items out of your window. It will give the reporters something to talk about on the late news.
* Never use your turn signal, unless of course you are on the freeway with no intention of merging.
* If there are already three cars stopped at a four way stop, accelerate immediately. Otherwise, one of those cars might go ahead of you!
* Take full advantage of your right to U-turn. Laugh aloud at people from other states who turn around in driveways.
* In case of rain, pull over immediately! You cannot drive in any sort of precipitation.
* While driving uphill, do not downshift. While driving downhill, ride your brakes.
* On narrow canyon roads, feel free to use the center divider as a passing lane.
* The shoulder becomes a lane if you are driving a Porsche.
* If you paid more than $60,000 for your car, you automatically have the right of way, regardless of the situation. This is especially applicable in parking lots.
* Drive as quickly as possible through parking structures. Pass any open spot by at least four car lengths before backing up to claim it. Disregard the angry mob that has formed behind you.
* While driving on the freeway and talking on your cell phone, alternate between 45 and 100 MPH. This is especially effective if driving in the fast lane.
* Every lane is the suicide lane.
* Always set the alarm to its most sensitive setting before leaving your parked car.
* If you miss your exit, no worries. Just cut across six lanes of traffic and drive over the divider. If you really weren't supposed to cross it, they would make it out of concrete instead of painted lines.
* For parking purposes, all SUV's are compact cars. Honest!
* To calculate the proper speed limit on the freeway, subtract your age from 100. Double this number if your car has dual exhaust. Conversely, add your age to 100 if you are suffering from (or past) your midlife crisis.
* If you hear sirens, DO NOT pull over. Slow down exactly where you are and start looking for carnage.
* If a cop attempts to pull you over, give chase. You won't get away, but it's guaranteed you'll make live TV. Toward the end of the chase, be sure to throw random items out of your window. It will give the reporters something to talk about on the late news.
* Never use your turn signal, unless of course you are on the freeway with no intention of merging.
* If there are already three cars stopped at a four way stop, accelerate immediately. Otherwise, one of those cars might go ahead of you!
* Take full advantage of your right to U-turn. Laugh aloud at people from other states who turn around in driveways.
* In case of rain, pull over immediately! You cannot drive in any sort of precipitation.
* While driving uphill, do not downshift. While driving downhill, ride your brakes.
* On narrow canyon roads, feel free to use the center divider as a passing lane.
SOME
SMART LAWS
Rhode's Corollary To Hoare's Law: Inside every complex
and unworkable program is a useful routine struggling to be free.
Ross's Law: Bare feet magnetise sharp metal objects so they always point upwars from the floor-especially in the dark.
Rudin's Law: In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative courses of action, people tend to choose the worst possible course.
Rudnicki's Nobel Prize Principle: Only someone who understands something absolutely can explain it so no one else can understand it.
Rule Of Accuracy: When working toward the solution of a problem it always helps you to know the answer.
Ryan's Law: Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.
Sattinger's Law: It works better if you plug it in.
Ross's Law: Bare feet magnetise sharp metal objects so they always point upwars from the floor-especially in the dark.
Rudin's Law: In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative courses of action, people tend to choose the worst possible course.
Rudnicki's Nobel Prize Principle: Only someone who understands something absolutely can explain it so no one else can understand it.
Rule Of Accuracy: When working toward the solution of a problem it always helps you to know the answer.
Ryan's Law: Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.
Sattinger's Law: It works better if you plug it in.
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