Top 10 reasons COMPILERS must be female

10. Picky, picky, picky.
9. They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
8. Beauty is only shell deep.
7. When you ask what's wrong, they say "nothing".
6. Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.
5. Always turning simple statements into big productions.
4. Small talk is important.
3. You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.
2. They make you take the garbage out.
1. Miss a period and they go wild.

Dogs vs. women part

 

Why Dogs Are Better Than Women
Dogs don't cry.
Dogs love it when your friends come over.
Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.
Dogs think you sing great.
A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late. The later you are,
the more excited dogs are to see you.
Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
Dogs are excited by rough play.
Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
Dogs understand that farts are funny.
Dogs love red meat.
Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
Anyone can get a good-looking dog.
If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
Dogs don't shop.
Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
A dog's parents never visit.
Dogs love long car trips.
Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted.

Gift Buying Rules For Men

Print this out and leave laying around where those of the Female
persuasion can see it.

Rule #1:
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already
has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a
man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word
ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can
I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch
socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car, a 99-cent
ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear
view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4:
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes.
Once I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't
have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out.
If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little
picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and
flips....

Rule #6:
Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a
cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.

Rule #7:
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after-shave or deodorant.
I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.

Rule #8:
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of
weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups.
Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #9:
Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It
will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #10:
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, ParrLumber, Home
Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire.(NAPA Auto Parts
and Sear's Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't
matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be
something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow!
Thanks.")

Rule #11:
Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get
him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line
leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #12:
Tickets to a Seahawks game are a smart gift. However, he will not
appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone
knows why.

Rule #13:
Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you
don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a
label maker.

Rule #14:
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension
ladder. Never buy a real man a stepladder. It must be an extension ladder.
No one knows why.

Rule #15:
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least
the Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope.
No one knows why.

"It's a guy thing."

Really means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it,
and you have no chance at all of making it logical." 

"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means: "Why isn't it already on the table?" 

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response. 

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means: "I have no idea how it works." 

"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means: "The batteries in the remote are dead." 

"We're going to be late."
Really means: "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac." 

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner." 

"That's interesting, dear."
Really means: "Are you still talking?" 

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means: "I forgot our anniversary again." 

"You expect too much of me."
Really means: "You want me to stay awake." 

"That's women's work."
Really means: "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless." 

"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday." 

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means: "I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt." 

"I do help around the house."
Really means: "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket." 

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means: "I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon."\

"I can't find it."
Really means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless." 

"What did I do this time?"
Really means: "What did you catch me doing?" 

"I heard you."
Really means: "I have no idea what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me." 

"You look terrific."
Really means: "Oh, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving." 

"I missed you."
Really means: "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper." 

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means: "I'm lost. I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive again." 

"We share the housework."
Really means: "I make the messes, you clean them up." 

"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means: "You're cutting into the time I spend with my truck." 

"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means: "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."