Helpful Tips To Make Life Simpler

Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.


Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.


Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.


Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.


No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.


Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).


If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.


Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

10 Good Things About The Flu

10. No one wants to come near you.

9. You can legally take sedatives.

8. You realize guests on daytime talk shows have worse lives than you do.

7. You get away with being rude, obnoxious and surly.

6. You can smell like a baboon's butt and nobody complains.

5. You can shlep about the house unwashed and in your housecoat all day.

4. No matter how bad you feel, it's still better than how you felt after last month's tequila 'n' gin party.

3. Star Trek re-runs.

2. Your dog is allowed on the bed.

1. You get to pass the virus on to those you really dislike.

Ultra dumb people

The incredibly dumb

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting please to come out and give himself up.

An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher."

A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy.

Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."