Words of Wisdom

Use them as Needed . . . 

1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow's not looking good either.

2. I love deadlines. I especially love the swooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

4. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

5. Someday we'll look back on this and plow into a parked car.

6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

7. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

8. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.

10. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself - "Where the hell is the ceiling???"

12. My reality check bounced.

13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

14. I don't suffer from stress - I'm a carrier . . .

15. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through Peanut Butter!

16. Don't meddle in the affairs of dragons, cuz, like, you're crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

17. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo...

18. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

 

25 Reasons Why Alcohol Should Be Served at Work

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what
management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you
don't care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to
work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are
wasted.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.

16. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax
at the bar.

17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.

18. Everyone agrees the work is better after they've had a
couple of drinks.

19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their
lunch break.

20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.

21. It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union.

22. The janitor's closet will finally have a use.

23. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.

24. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as
"gross,"

25. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language.

Wisdom From The Seat of a Tractor

AN OLD NEBRASKA FARMER'S WORDS OF WISDOM:

 
“YOUR FENCES NEED TO BE
HORSE-HIGH, PIG-TIGHT AND BULL-STRONG.”

“KEEP SKUNKS AND BANKERS AT A DISTANCE.”

“LIFE IS SIMPLER WHEN YOU PLOW AROUND THE STUMP.”

“A BUMBLE BEE IS CONSIDERABLY FASTER THAN A JOHN DEERE TRACTOR.”

**“WORDS THAT SOAK INTO YOUR EARS ARE WHISPERED NOT YELLED.”

“MEANNESS DON'T JUST HAPPEN OVERNIGHT.”

“FORGIVE YOUR ENEMIES; IT MESSES UP THEIR HEADS.”

“DO NOT CORNER SOMETHING THAT YOU KNOW IS MEANER THAN YOU.”

“IT DON'T TAKE A VERY BIG PERSON TO CARRY A GRUDGE.”

**“YOU CANNOT UNSAY A CRUEL WORD.”

“EVERY PATH HAS A FEW PUDDLES.”

“WHEN YOU WALLOW WITH PIGS, EXPECT TO GET DIRTY.”

“THE BEST SERMONS ARE LIVED, NOT PREACHED.”

“MOST OF THE STUFF PEOPLE WORRY ABOUT, AIN'T NEVER GONNA HAPPEN ANYWAY.”

“DON'T JUDGE FOLKS BY THEIR RELATIVES.

**“REMEMBER THAT SILENCE IS SOMETIMES THE BEST ANSWER.”

“LIVE A GOOD AND HONORABLE LIFE, THEN WHEN YOU GET OLDER AND THINK BACK,
YOU'LL ENJOY IT A SECOND TIME.

“DON'T INTERFERE WITH SOMETHIN' THAT AIN'T BOTHERING YOU NONE.”

“TIMIN' HAS A LOT TO DO WITH THE OUTCOME OF A RAIN DANCE.”

“IF YOU FIND YOURSELF IN A HOLE, THE FIRST THING TO DO IS STOP DIGGIN'.”

“SOMETIMES YOU GET, AND SOMETIMES YOU GET GOT.

**“THE BIGGEST TROUBLEMAKER YOU'LL PROBABLY EVER HAVE TO DEAL WITH,
WATCHES YOU FROM THE MIRROR EVERY MORNIN'.”

“ALWAYS DRINK UPSTREAM FROM THE HERD.”

“GOOD JUDGMENT COMES FROM EXPERIENCE, AND A LOTTA THAT COMES FROM BAD
JUDGMENT.”

“LETTIN' THE CAT OUTTA THE BAG IS A WHOLE LOT EASIER THAN PUTTIN' IT BACK
IN.”

“IF

YOU GET TO

THINKIN' YOU'RE A PERSON OF SOME INFLUENCE, TRY ORDERIN' SOMEBODY ELSE'S
DOG AROUND.”

**“LIVE SIMPLY, LOVE GENEROUSLY, CARE DEEPLY, SPEAK KINDLY, AND LEAVE THE
REST TO GOD.”

“DON'T PICK A FIGHT WITH AN OLD MAN. IF HE IS TOO OLD TO FIGHT, HE'LL JUST
KILL YOU.”