Bathroom Jokes:

Well, did you hear about the constipated accountant?
He couldn't budget.

Did you hear about the constipated composer?
He couldn't finish the last movement.

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.

Did you hear about the constipated Wheel of Fortune player?
He wanted to buy a bowel.

Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please?

If you're an American when you go into the bathroom, and an American when you come out, what are you when you're in the bathroom?
Eur-o-pean.

Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in his ass. He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ass?"

The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He said, "I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant-um you one wish."

And I said, "No shit."

A stuffy matron is with a new man in a top restaurant. The onion soup gets to her, and as the waiter is serving the main dishes she lets loose a bombastic fart. Trying to save face, she says to the waiter, "Sir! Please stop that immediately."

"Certainly, madame," replies the waiter with a bow. "Which way was it headed?"

A guy got on a bus one day and sat in the aisle seat beside an elderly lady.
A few minutes later, he couldn't control himself and had to let loose a big noisy fart.

Embarrassed, he tried to make conversation with the lady and asked her. "Do you by any chance have todays paper?"

The lady looked at him and said, "No, but the next time we pass by a tree I'll grab you a handful of leaves."

Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!"

The other woman turned to her and said, "I know! I heard it snoring!"

What's dumb?
Directions on toilet paper.

What's dumber than that?
Reading them.

Even dumber?
Reading them and learning something.

Dumbest of all?
Reading them and having to correct something you've been doing wrong.

There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly.

The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says, "Excuse me, you just farted before my wife." The drunks replies, "I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn."

There was a cowboy who went to the outhouse. He heard a noise, so he looked inside. Lo and behold, there was an Indian down in the hole. The cowboy said, "How long have you been down there in that awful hole?"

The Indian replied, "Many moons."

A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry. When it comes back there are still stains in her panties. The next week she encloses a note to the Chinaman, "Use more soap on panties."

This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the laundry. Finally the Chinaman responded with, "Use more paper on ass."

Pete walks into a store. He says to the salesgirl, "I want to buy some toilet paper."

She says, "What color?"

He says, "Give me white. I'll color it myself."

Little Johnny Jokes

"I'm afraid I'll never see you in heaven, Johnny," the Sunday School teacher said to her most mischievous child.

"Why," questioned Johnny, "What have you been doing wrong?"

Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things. "Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he asked his mother.

"He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness.

Or she was until Johnny thought for a second and asked, "So why do you have so much hair?"

Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm.

He asked his mom, "Where'd we get him?"

His mother replied, "He came from heaven, Johnny."

Johnny says, "WOW! I can see why they threw him out!"

"I'm ashamed of you," Little Johnny's mother said. "Fighting with your best friend is a terrible thing to do."

"He threw a rock at me!" the boy said. "So I threw one at him."

"When he threw a rock at you, you should have come to me."

"What good would that have done?" Little Johnny replied, "My aim is much better than yours."

"Dad," said Little Johnny, "I'm late for football practice. Would you please do my homework for me?"

Little Johnny's father said irately, "Son, it just wouldn't be right."

"That's okay," replied Little Johnny "At least you could try."

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "Because people are sleeping!"

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. And on this day, the teacher
asked the class where they thought God lived. One little girl raised her hand, and the teacher called upon her. "I think God lives in the sky,because that is where heaven is." the girl replied. "That's good!" said the teacher.

Another little boy raised his hand, and the teacher called on him. "And where do you think God lives?" she asked. Very piously, the boy answered
"God lives in each of our hearts!"

"That's VERY good," she smiled.

When she asked a third time, Little Johnny was the only one who raised his hand. Quietly dreading his answer, the teacher asked, "And where do you think God lives, Johnny?" "In the bathroom." he said. "In the bathroom?" she asked, puzzled yet unable to stop herself.

"Yes, because every morning my father beats on the bathroom door and screams
'GOD, ARE YOU STILL IN THERE?' "

One day at the end of class little Johnny's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then infer the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.
Little Johnny comes home from his first day at school. His mother asks,"Well, what did you learn today?"

The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."

As most young and weak kids are, Little Johnny was picked on constantly by the bullies in school. They stole his lunch, they beat him up and just downright made his life miserable. It took him a couple of weeks to find a way to get back at these bullies and when he found out what would get them back, he went all out.

He was on the bus where he normally gets his lunch stolen when he brought out a bottle that had what looked like small brown balls in it. He then, making sure no one was looking, secretly took from his pocket some milk duds and started popping them in his mouth as obvious to the rest of the kids as possible making yum yum noises.

The bully without asking snatched the jar from Little Johnny's hand and asked, "What's in the bottle that you are making such a big deal of?"

"Well, they're smart pills."

"Smart pills?" the bully asked. Then opened the jar and popped a couple of the foreign brown balls in his mouth. "Pweeuuweppblahhh!!" he reacted. "What is this stuff? It tastes like rabbit poop!!"

"See, you're getting smarter already."

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.

She was reluctant to call on little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But, eventually, his turn came...Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class and, with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well, the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

"It's a period," reported Johnny.

"Well, I can see that," she said, "But what is so exciting about a period?"

"Damned if I know," said Johnny, "But this morning, my sister said she missed one. Then Dad had a heart attack, Mom fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

The teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, Mary, but I wanted the word 'fascinate.'"Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Again, that was good, Sally, but I wanted the word 'fascinate.'"Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could vulgarize the word "fascinate" so she called on him.

Johnny stood by the side of his desk and said with a smile, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big, she can only fasten 8."

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

A man was walking on the sidewalk and noticed up ahead that Little Johnny was wearing a red fireman's hat and sitting in a red wagon. It appeared that the wagon was being pulled slowly by a large Labrador Retriever. When he got closer to the lad, he noticed that Johnny had a rope tied around the dog's testicles, which probably accounted for why the dog was walking so gingerly.

Smiling, he spoke to the little boy, "That's really a nice fire engine you have there son. But I'll bet the dog would pull you faster if you tied that rope around his neck."

"Yeah," Johnny replied, "But then I wouldn't have a siren."

It seems little farm boy Johnny accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Johnny!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up."

"That's mighty nice of you, " Johnny answered, "But I don't think daddy would like me to.""Aw, come on," the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But daddy won't like it."After a hearty dinner, Johnny thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now,but I know daddy is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish !" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"

"Under the wagon."
A pastor was giving a lesson to a group of children on the 23rd Psalm. He noticed that one of the little boys seemed disquieted by the phrase "Surely,goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life...""What's wrong with that, Johnny?" the pastor asked.

"Well," answered Johnny, "I understand about having goodness and mercy, for God is good. But I'm not sure I'd like Shirley following me around all the time."After church, Johnny tells his parents he has to go and talk to the minister
right away. They agree and the pastor greets the family.

"Pastor," Johnny says, "I heard you say today that our bodies came from the dust."

"That's right, Johnny, I did."

"And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust."

"Yes, I'm glad you were listening. Why do you ask?"

"Well you better come over to our house right away and look under my bed'cause there's someone either comin' or goin'!"