Stuff to Think Of

These are some of the things I think about when I'm home alone
and the TV is broken.

* Why is an orange the only fruit named after its color? Or was
the color named after the fruit?

* Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

* Do they have reserved parking for regular people at the
Special Olympics? 

* Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

* Is a computer virus covered by Medicare? 

* How do you know when a Smurf suffocates?

* If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the
words? 

* In Chinese, why are the words for crisis and opportunity the
same? 

* Where do swear words come from?

* Why do people use the word "irregardless"? 

* Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing? 

* Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?

* How does skating on thin ice get you into hot water?

* Why do they have signs at Burger King that say, "Picture menus
available for those who need them"? If you can't read, how can
you ask for a picture menu?

* If a case of the clap spreads is it called applause?

* Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

* Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?

* Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?

* Why are they called "stands" when they're made for sitting?

* Why is it called "after dark", when it is really after light?

* Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become
the expected?

* If FedEx and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUp?

* Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

* Why do they report power outages on TV? I mean, duh!

* If the insurance companies are going to set guidelines before
approving Viagra coverage, what are they going to use? A growth
chart?

* If a light-sleeper sleeps with a light on, what does a
hard-sleeper sleep with?

* Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a
suitcase?

* Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

* Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

10 reasons why sex is better than School

1. Everbody likes sex and nobody likes school, except for
virgins and only because they haven't had sex yet. 

2. Sex sucks, moans, licks, pumps, throbs etc..., school just
sucks.

3. After sex you feel like smoking a cigarette. After school you
feel like smoking something a whole lot stronger.

4. You get disciplined during sex only if you want to. 

5. Drinking drives people to sex, whereas school drives people
to drink. 

6. Sex releives stress, school is the cause of stress. 

7. Nothing beats the "hands on" experience you get with sex.

8. After sex you feel like you have accomplished something. 

9. Sex is cheaper. Even if you have to pay for a hooker, it is
still cheaper than paying thousands of dollars in tuition. 

10. At least you have a choice whether or not you want to have
sex. At school your teachers screw you regardless!!!

You Might Be a School Teacher if...

1. You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium
salt lick.

2. You find humor in other people's stupidity.

3. You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to
work 9 to 3:20 and have summers free."

4. You believe chocolate is a food group.

5. You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.

6. You believe "Shallow Gene Pool" should have it's own box on
the report card.

7. You have no life from August to June.

8. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone
says "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today."

9. When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at
children you don't know and correct their behavior.

10. Marking all A's on report cards would make your life so much
simpler.

11. When you mention "Vegetables" you are not talking food
groups.

12. You think people should be required to get a government
permit before being allowed to reproduce.

13. You wonder how some parents ever managed to reproduce.

14. You believe in aerial spraying of Prozak.

15. You encourage obnoxious parents to look into charter schools
or home schooling.

16. You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without
having taught in the elementary setting for the last 10 years.

17. You can't have children because there's no name you could
give a child that wouldn't bring on high blood pressure the
moment you heard it uttered.

18. You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.

19. Your personal life comes to an screeching halt at report
card time.

20. Meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question,
"Why is this kid like this."