Still blonde-cute !!!
A friend tells the blonde,
"Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blonde says, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
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Two blondes find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asks, "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says, "We'll lie and say we only found two."
------------------------------------
A woman phones her blonde neighbor and says, "Close your curtains the next time you and your husband are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blonde replies, "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
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A blonde is in the bathroom and her husband shouts, "Did you find the shampoo?"
She answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."
------------------------------
A blonde goes to the vet with her goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy," she tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me.”
The blonde says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."
------------------------------------
A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope, "DO NOT BEND."
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
------------------------------------
A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
------------------------------------
A blonde is driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly she has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls her over, so she tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"
------------------------------------
A blonde’s dog goes missing, and she is frantic. Her husband says, "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"
She does, but two weeks later, the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" her husband asks.
She replies, "Here boy!"
------------------------------------
A blonde man is in jail. The guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blonde replies.
"It should be around your neck," says the guard.
"I know," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."
------------------------------------
An Italian tourist asks a blonde, "Why do American scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the blonde replies, "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."
The blonde says, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
------------------------------------
Two blondes find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asks, "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says, "We'll lie and say we only found two."
------------------------------------
A woman phones her blonde neighbor and says, "Close your curtains the next time you and your husband are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blonde replies, "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
------------------------------------
A blonde is in the bathroom and her husband shouts, "Did you find the shampoo?"
She answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."
------------------------------
A blonde goes to the vet with her goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy," she tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me.”
The blonde says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."
------------------------------------
A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope, "DO NOT BEND."
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
------------------------------------
A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
------------------------------------
A blonde is driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly she has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls her over, so she tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"
------------------------------------
A blonde’s dog goes missing, and she is frantic. Her husband says, "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"
She does, but two weeks later, the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" her husband asks.
She replies, "Here boy!"
------------------------------------
A blonde man is in jail. The guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blonde replies.
"It should be around your neck," says the guard.
"I know," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."
------------------------------------
An Italian tourist asks a blonde, "Why do American scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the blonde replies, "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."
Inventions By Blondes
1. The water-proof towel
2. Glow in the dark sunglasses
3. Solar powered flashlights
4. Submarine screen doors
5. A book on how to read
6. Inflatable dart boards
7. A dictionary index
8. Mechanical Pencil sharpeners
9. Powdered water
10. Pedal-powered wheel chairs
11. Waterproof tea bags
12. Watermelon seed sorter
13. Zero proof alcohol
14. Reuseable ice cubes
15. See-through toilet tissue
16. Skinless bananas
17. Do-it-yourself road map
18. Turnip ice cream
19. Toe implants
20. An all white flag
21. Rolls Royce pickup truck
22. Helicopter Ejector Seat
Your Daily Moment of Zen
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead
of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just
leave me the heck alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt
and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal
your neighbor's newspaper,that's the time to do it.
5. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't
be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
7. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve
as a warning to others.
10. It is far more impressive when others discover your good
qualities without your help.
11. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a
couple of car payments.
12. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in
their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile
away and you have their shoes.
13. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
14. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how
to fish,and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
15. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it
was probably worth it.
16. Don't squat with your spurs on.
17. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
18. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.
19. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
20. Don't worry, it only seems wierd the first time.
21. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that
comes from bad judgment.
22. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half
and put it back in your pocket.
23. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a
raindance.
24. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
25. Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side and a dark
side, and it holds the universe together.
26. There are two theories to arguing with men. Neither one
works.
27. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth
is moving.
28. Experience is something you don't get until just after you
need it.
29. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
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