Signs around the World

Sign in a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

Sign in a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

Outside a farm: HORSE MANURE 50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG 20p DO-IT-YOURSELF

In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

On a church door: THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR.(THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)

English sign in a German cafe: MOTHERS, PLEASE WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE EATING

Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales: THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW.

Outside a photographer's studio: OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO

Seen at the side of a Sussex road: SLOW CATTLE CROSSING. NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.

Outside a disco: SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME

 

Sign warning of quicksand: QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.

 

Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish: DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER 

Notice in a dry cleaner's window: ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL DISPOSED OF.

 

Sign on motorway garage: PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS

 

Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

 

Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

 

Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

 

Notice in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

 

Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILLTELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

 

Sign on a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

 

Sign at Norfolk farm gate: BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT

 

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

Top Things To Say When Calling A Psychic Hotline

1. Call on a cell phone, from an elevator and ask them if they
know what floor your on.

2. Ask them why they need to ask your name.

3. Get two cell phones (One a friend's, another yours) and call
under to different names. Curse at them for not noticing you had
a split personality.

4. Tell them you see ghosts, then ask why. Let the conversation
flow then scream loudly and say that you think your dick just
died.

5. Tell them to guess your Grandpa's name, then make one up that
has a hidden message (Ex. Licking, Bill)

6. When telling them what you think, say, "Well, Batman...(etc)"

7. Tell them your name then repeatedly change it in subtle ways
(I'm Jack, how are you? Well my Grandpa named me Chad.)

8. Blurt out useless information (Did ya notice how the word HOW
is WHO spelled differently?)

9. Ask them if they know how many times you've jerked off today.

10. If your a women, how many times you have had an orgasm today.

11. If they guess incorrectly, scream loudly and call them
retarded.

12. If they guess correctly, begin to cry and say god will never
forgive me! If they try to comfort you, threaten them.

13. Ask where they are located, then tell them to open the
package that ticks but cutting the red wire...

14. Ask them if they know if their refrigerator is running.

15. If your a man, go into the bathroom and urinate as
powerfully as you can so they can hear you.

16. If your a woman ask them what is the best day to breast
feed, now that the child cant seem to get enough of it. Then
tell them his 20th birthday is tomorrow.

17. Belch into the receiver then scream and ask them what was
that. If they say it was you, ask who the hell is the psychic
here?

18. Tell them your outside the building in a red van, the one
with the big black box in the passenger seat. Then yell at them
when they say it isn't there, because they are looking out the
wrong window.

19. Ask if an AK47 kills psychos better, then correct yourself
and say psychics.

20. Fart into the receiver then ask them what they did that for.
Curse loudly then slam the receiver down.