RELATIONS TODAY

Top Ten Rejection Lines Given by Women (and what they actually mean)

10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")

9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (I don't want to date my dad)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)

6. I've got a boyfriend (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's).

5. I don't date men where I work. (I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)

4. It's not you, it's me. (It's you.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.) And the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it really means)

1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing.)

Degree Courses for Women

1. Silence, the final frontier: Where no woman has gone before.
2. The undiscovered side of Banking: How to make deposits.
3. Combating the Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You don t need new shoes everyday.
4. Learn how not to inflict your Diets on other people.
5. Nag Nag Nag - how to overcome your tendency to be a fish wife.
6. An invitation to a party does not mean that you have to have a new outfit.
7. Man Management: Discover how the garbage can wait until after the game.
8. Personal Space: Leaving at least enough space in the bathroom cupboard for your partners toothbrush.
9. Valuation: Just because it's not important to you.
10. Communication Skills I: Tears as the last resort and not the first.
11. Communication Skills II: How to think before speaking.
12. What he really wants: Is buying the right razor blades so difficult.
13. Driving a car safely: A skill you can also acquire.
14. Real women drink their share at a party.
15. Telephones: How to hang up.
16. Parking: Beginners Course.
17. Parking (Advanced): Reversing into a parking space.
18. The Natural Habitat of the Towel: Why they prefer the floor.
19. Managing your weight: Its not water retention... its fat.
20. Learning to cook I: Bran is not food.
21. Learning to cook II: Bringing back bacon and eggs.
22. Compliments: How to accept them gracefully.
23. PMS: Your problem... not his.

Women's 45 Rules for Men

1. Call
2. Don't lie.
3. Never tape any of her body parts together.
4. If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
5. The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes."
6. Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"
7. Victoria's secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad.
8. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
9. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
10. "Honey," "Darling," and "Sweetheart," are good. "Nag," "Lardass," and "Bitch," are bad.
11. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
12. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.
13. None of your ex-girlfriends was ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.
14. Her cooking is excellent.
15. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid coocking.
16. Dish soap is your friend.
17. Hat does not equal shower, after-shave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.
18. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
19. Answering "Who was on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation.
20. Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"
21. Two words: clean socks.
22. Believe it or not, you're probably not more attractive when you're all sweaty.
23. Burping is not sexy.
24. You're wrong.
25. You're sorry.
26. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think.
27. Ditto for you discourse on football.
28. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound.
29. "Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is bad.
30. Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
31. Don't assume PMS doesn't exist.
32. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.
33. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11 pm.
34. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
35. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it.
36. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like a complete jerk until she does it for you.
37. Don't tell her you love her if you don't.
38. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
39. Always, always suck up to her brother.
40. Think boxers. Silk boxers.
41. Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so names.
42. Don't try to change the way she dresses.
43. Her haircut is never bad.
44. Don't let your friends pick on her.
45. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labor while you sit on your butt in the waiting room, smoking cigars, isn't fair either, and it balances everything.

Male Bashing

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: Why are men like commercials?
A: You can't believe a word they say.

Q: Why are men like popcorn?
A: They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Q: What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
A: Sex.

Q: What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
A: When the power goes off.

Q: What do men and women have in common?
A: They both distrust men.

Q: How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts?
A: Guilt gifts are nicer.

Q: What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
A: His wife is good at picking out clothes.

Q: How is a man like the weather?
A: Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

Q: What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
A: One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is giving birth.

Q: What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?
A: The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the man thinks often about dating them.

Q: Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of?
A: Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.

Q: What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
A: Slow.

Q: What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A: They're married.

Q: What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?
A: An insurance company.

Q: Why don't men often show their true feelings?
A: Because they don't have any.

Q: How are men like noodles?
A: They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Q: Why are men and spray paint alike?
A: One squeeze and they're all over you.

Q: Why is food better than men?
A: Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds.

Q: Why would women be better off if men treated them like cars?
A: At least then they would get a little attention every 6 months or 5000 miles, whichever came first.

Q: Why do men have a hole in their penis?
A: So oxygen can get to their brains.

Q: What do ceramic tile and men have in common?
A: If you lay them right the first time, you can walk on them for life!

Q: How do you grow your own dope?
A: Plant a man.

Q: How are all men multiorgasmic?
A: They have one small one while having sex with "their" woman....and a second, much bigger one the next day while telling their buddies about it.

Q: What about the man who saw the sign "Drink Canada Dry"?
A: He moved there.

Q: What does a woman do with her asshole before having sex?
A: She drops him off at the golfcourse.

Q: How do you get a man to do situps?
A: Put the remote control between his toes

Q: What do men consider housecleaning?
A: Lifting their feet so you can vacuum under them

Q: How do you save a man from drowning?
A: Take your foot off his head

Q: What do men consider a 7 course meal?
A: A hotdog and a six pack of beer

Q: How does a man change a roll of toilet paper?
A: No one knows - we've never seen it done!

Q: Why is it good that there are women astronauts?
A: So that when the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask for directions.

Q: How can you tell if a man is excited?
A: He's breathing

Q: How do men exercise on the beach?
A: By sucking in their stomach everytime a bikini goes by

Q: What do men consider foreplay?
A: Half an hour of begging

Q: How can you tell if a man is happy?
A: Who cares?/?

Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A: 1. No mind.
2. No business.

Q: If men got pregnant....
A: Abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive-through windows.

Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
A: Because they already have boyfriends.

Q: Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
A: He had it bronzed.

Q: How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
A: Two ways to cross a river.

Q: What is gross stupidity?
A: 144 men in one room.

Q: What is a man's view of safe sex?
A: A padded headboard.

Q: How do men sort their laundry?
A: "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".

Q: What can a bird do that a man can't?
A: Whistle through its pecker!

Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A: Both of them.

Q: What would get your man to put down the toilet seat?
A: A sex-change operation.

Q: Why did the man cross the road?
A: He heard the chicken was a slut.

Q: Why do women fake orgasm?
A: Because men fake foreplay!

Q: Why do men talk so dirty?
A: So they can wash their mouth out with beer.

Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A: So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A: Who has the time?

Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: They won't stop to ask directions!

Q: Why don't women have men's brains?
A: Because they don't have penises to keep them in!

Q: What do toy trains and breasts have in common?
A: They're usually intended for the children, but it's the husbands who end up playing with them!

Q: What do you have when you've got 2 little balls in your hand?
A: A man's undivided attention.

Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A: Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor lock.

Q: What happens when a man opens his zipper?
A: His brains fall out.

CRAZY WORLD

Caught by a local tribe

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now we've caught you and we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you and then we're going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.

The Englishman says, "a pistol for me please." The chief gives him a pistol, the Englishman points it at his head and says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork!" The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over--the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There is blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled and asks, "My God, what are you doing?"

And the New Yorker responds, "So much for your canoe you stupid cannibal!

How to speak Southern

WORLD FAMOUS SOUTHERN TALK
BECOME A NATIVE SOUTHERNER

How to talk native SOUTHERN in one easy lesson

Aig - What a hen lays

Aints - He's got aints in his paints

Paints - What cha put on your laigs of a mornin

Arn - Ma's tard of arnin

Bag - He bagged her to marry him

Bobbed - A bobbed wire fence

Bresh - He had a bresh with the law, and the law won.

Bub - the light bub burned out

Cheer - What you set in

Crick - A small stream

Clum - He sure clum that tree fastern any 'coon

Chiny - country over in Asia

Chuch duds - Sunday go-to-meetin clothes

Core - He got hisself a new Ford core

Cyow - Animal on Farm

Deppity - He helps out the shurf

Dribbed - He dribbed milk on his shirt

Dainz - Satidy night social

Ellum - A graceful tree

Fanger - What you put your rang on

Faince - Whats round the hawg lot

Far - What get the brandin arn hot

Furred - He got furred from his job

Flar - A rose is a purdy flar

Frash - Them aigs ain't frash

Furiners - All non-'bamans

Further - Hits ten miles further to town

Grain - She was grain with envy

Hail - Where bad folks go

Hep - Poor George, he can't hep it, he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth.

Hern - It aint hern, it's his'n

Hilbilly - People in the next county

Hollar - Whats between the hills

Hard - Got a brend new hard

hand Tar - His core blew a tar

Laymun - A sour fruit

Laig - Most folks have two of them

Lather - What you climb up

Liberry - Where you go to check out books for larnin

Mailk - what you get from cyows

Mere - What you see your self in

Minners - Live bait

Misrus - Married Woman

Nar - Opposite of wide

Nayk - Your head sets on it

Nup - No

Orrel - Them hinges need orrel

Ormy - What the sojers go in

Pank - A light red color

Parch - Sit out on the parch and watch the grass grow

Petition - What separate the rooms

Poke - A paper bag or sack

Pokey - What the shurf and deppity puts crimnals in Poke

Salit - A green vegetable

Puppet - What the preacher is in

Purdy - She is purdy as a pitcher

Purt near - Almost; he purt near caught that greased pig

Rang - You wear it on your fanger

Rut - That there tree sure has long ruts

Rah cheer - I was born rah cheer in town

Rainch - A big cow farm

Rat - Do it rat now!

Rench - Rench the soap yourself

Roont - She plum roont her shoes

Salary - A stringy vegetable

Soardeens - Small canned fish

Shar - A light rain

Gully Worsher - A medium heavy rain

Toad strangler - A heavy rain Sody

Pop - A soft drink

Sprang - Water out'n the ground

Shurf - The Shurf put Clem in jail

Storch - This here aprn has to much storch in it

Skeered - that plumb skeered me to death

Thanks - He shore thanks he's smart

Tho - Tho me the ball

Thoat - I shore got a sore thoat

War - A bobbed war fance

Worsh - Go worsh your face

Warter - What you worsh your face in

Yurp - A continent overseas

Competition of a nation

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.

One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. The used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

"When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.

"When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund leaned up and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. `We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years trying to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.'"

Defining the Americans

We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car.

We whip the enemy in battle, then give them the shirt off our backs.

We yell for speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won't buy a car if it can't go over 100 miles an hour.

Americans get scared to death if we vote a billion dollars for education, then are unconcerned when we find out we are spending three billion dollars a year for cigarettes.

We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but don't know half the words in the "Star Spangled Banner".

We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time.

We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old son run wild.

We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can make more money so we can move back to the farm.

In the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when we are out at the game, the mall or on the lake, we talk about business.

We are the only people in the world who will pay $.50 to park our car while eating a $.25 sandwhich.

We're the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world and more diets to keep us from eating it.

We run from morning to night trying to keep our earning power up with our yearning power.

We're supposed to be the most civilized Christian nation on earth, but we still can't deliver payrolls without an armored car.

We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and still have more divorces.

Welcoming to America

When young Jose, newly arrived in the United States, made his first trip to Yankee Stadium, there were no tickets left for sale. Touched by his disappointment, a friendly ticket salesman found him a perch near the American flag. Later, Jose wrote home enthusiastically about his experience. "And the Americans, they are so friendly!" he concluded. "Before the game started, they all stood up and looked at me and sang, .... 'Jose, can you see?'"

Admit that you did that

An old Indian lined up all of his 10 little Indian sons and stood in front of them.

He then asked, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"

Nobody answered him.

He then asked again, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"

Again nobody answered.

The old Indian said, "I tell story of Georgie and Georgie father. Georgie chop down cherry tree. Georgie tell truth, Big Georgie no punish." So the Indian asked again,

"Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"

To which the littlest Indian replied, "I push port-a-potty over cliff."

The old Indian then shakes and spanks him, for his punishment. When he is done, the little Indian asks, "Georgie tell truth, Georgie no get punish. I tell truth, I get punished. Why you punish, father?"

The old Indian replied, "Big Georgie not in cherry tree when it got chopped down!!!"

Only found in America

Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...

Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...

Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...

Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...

Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...

Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...

Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...

Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures"...

Native American trades

An old Native American wanted a loan for $500. He approached his local banker. The banker pulled out the loan application, asking, "What are you going to do with the money?"

"Take jewelry to city and sell it," said the old man.

"What have you got for collateral?" queried the banker, going strictly by the book.

"Don't know of collateral."

"Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles?"

"Yes, I have a 1949 Chevy pickup."

The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"

"Yes, I have a horse."

"How old is it?"

"I don't know; it has no teeth."

Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan.

Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, "Here's the money to pay loan," he said, handing the entire amount including interest.

"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?"

"Put it in my pocket."

"Why don't you deposit it in my bank?" he asked.

"I don't know of deposit."

"Well, you put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it."

The old Indian leaned across the desk, looking suspiciously at the banker, and asked, "What you got for collateral?"

Question and answer blond jokes

Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

Q: How do you drown a blond?
A: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.

Q: How do you drown a blond?
A: Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
A: Flattered.

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't. They're born that way.

Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
A: They're too hard to peel.

Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy?
A: Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetize them.

Q: Why does it work?
A: "Does 3 come before E, between M and W, or at the end?"

Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.

Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.

Q: Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
A: Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.

Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: To keep from bruising their ears.

Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold.

Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number eleven?
A: She didn't know what number came first.

Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
A: Divorced.

Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.

Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.

Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on her.

Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?
A: Bobbing for french fries.

Q: Why did it take the blonde seven days to drive from St. Louis to Chicago?
A: She kept seeing signs that read "stop clean bathroom".

Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A: Frosted Flakes.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen.

Q: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's writing on the white-out.

Q: How can you tell when a fax had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A: She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.

Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.

Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

Q: Why do blondes like lightning?
A: They think someone is taking their picture.

Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
A: From eating with forks.

Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A: Because they can spell it.

Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first.

Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.

Q: Why don't blondes double recipes?
A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.

Q: Why don't blondes make good pharmacists?
A: They can't get the bottle into the typewriter.

Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?
A: They can't remember the number.

Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?
A: She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons.

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: "What's a lightbulb?"

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"

Q: How do you get rid of blondes?
A: Form a circle, give each blonde a gun, and tell them they are a firing squad.

Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up?
A: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.

Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up?
A: None of them, two don't exist and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper.

Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.

Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!

Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.

Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?
A: Reservations.

Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.

Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
A: Change.

Q: What does a blonde say if you blow in his/her ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"

Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A: A whine cellar.

Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A: An Air Bag.

Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.

Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.

Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.

Q: What do you call an unmarried blond in a BMW?
A: Divorcee'

Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.

Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?
A: A visitor.

Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!

Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A: An interpreter.

Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A: A Space Invader.

Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
A: Branch Manager.

Q: What do you call a smart blond?
A: A golden retriever.

Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
A: The back of her head.

Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.

Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.

Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?

Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."

Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "don't walk".

Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.

Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!

Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
A: The vegetable garden.

Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"

Q: Why are blondes hurt by peoples words?
A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.

Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?
A: Perri-air.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!

Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A: She missed.

Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear?
A: Data transfer.

Q: What goes vroom, screech, vroom, screech, vroom, screech?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.

Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard?
A: Grade four.

Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 blondes.

Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist?
A: "Why, I just love nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"

Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

Q: Why won't they hire a blonde pharmacist?
A: They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.

Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"
A: The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"

Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
A: She moved.

Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A blonde parade.

Q: What is the blonde's highest ambition in life?
A: They want to be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.

Q: What are the six worst years in a blonde's life.
A: Third grade.

Q: What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any.

Q: How to you keep a blonde busy all day?
A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run! She's got a hand grenade in her mouth.

Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
A: I'll tell you tomorrow.

Q: Why can't the blonde make ice cubes?
A: She lost the recipe.

Q: How do you hit a blonde so she will never know it?
A: With a thought.

Q: Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering?
A: The noise gave her a headache.

Q: How does a blond know if she's on her way home or on her way to work?
A: She opens her lunch box to see if there is anything in it.

Q: How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?
A: Knock on the door.

Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
A: The instructions stated, "good for up to 20 pounds".

Newspaper Headlines in the Year 2035

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions inthe seventh largest country in the world, California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as the California's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops & livestock.

Baby conceived naturally.... Scientists stumped.

Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Texas executes last remaining citizen.

Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screw-drivers and baseball bats must be registered by January 2036.

New Republican Definitions

alternative energy sources
n. New locations to drill for gas and oil.

bankruptcy
n. A punishable crime when committed by poor people but not corporations

Cheney, Dick
n. The greater of two evils.

class warfare
n. Any attempt to raise the minimum wage.

climate change
n. The day when the blue states are swallowed by the oceans.

compassionate conservatism
n. Poignant concern for the very wealthy.

DeLay, Tom
n. 1. Past tense of De Lie 2. Patronage saint.

democracy
n. So extensively exported that the domestic supply is depleted.

Fox News
fict. Faux news.

free markets
n. Halliburton no-bid contracts at taxpayer expense.

God
n. Senior presidential adviser.

growth
n. 1. The justification for tax cuts for the rich. 2. What happens to the national debt when Republicans cut taxes on the rich.

gun control

n. The index finger, usually on the right hand. No other definitions or usage.

habeas corpus
n. Archaic. (Lat.) Legal term no longer in use (See Patriot Act).

healthy forest
n. No tree left behind.

honesty
n. Lies told in simple declarative sentences--e.g., "Freedom is on the march."

House of Representatives
n. Exclusive club; entry fee $1 million to $5 million.

laziness
n. When the poor are not working.

leisure time
n. When the wealthy are not working.

liberal(s)
n. Followers of the Anti-christ.

neoconservatives
n. Nerds with Napoleonic complexes.

9/11
n. Tragedy used to justify any administrative policy. (see Terra, Terra, Terra)

No Child Left Behind
riff. 1. v. There are always jobs in the military.

ownership society
n. A civilization where 1 percent of the population controls 90 percent of the wealth.

Patriot Act
n. The pre-emptive strike on American freedoms to prevent the terrorists from destroying them first.

pro-life
adj. Valuing human life until birth.

Senate
n. Exclusive club; entry fee $10 million to $30 million.

simplifiy
v. To cut the taxes of Republican donors.

staying the course
interj. Slang. Saying and doing the same stupid thing over and over, regardless of the result.
voter fraud
n. A significant minority turnout.

Wal-Mart
n. The nation-state, future tense.

water
n. Arsenic storage device.

You Might Be A Republican If...

You think "proletariat" is a type of cheese.

You've named your kids "Deduction one" and "Deduction two"

You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.

You've ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend"

You've ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to welfare.

You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.

You think Huey Newton is a cookie.

The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because heck, they're richer than you.

You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.

You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.

You call mall rent-a-cops "jack-booted thugs."

You've ever referred to the moral fiber of something.

You've ever uttered the phrase, "Why don't we just bomb the sons of bitches."

You've ever said, "I can't wait to get into business school."

You've ever called a secretary or waitress "Tootsie."

You answer to "The Man."

You don't think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.

You fax the FBI a list of "Commies in my Neighborhood."

You don't let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and Ernie of "sexual deviance."

You scream "Dit-dit-ditto" while making love.

You've argued that art has a "moral foundation set in Western values."
When people say "Marx," you think "Groucho."

You've ever yelled, "Hey hippie, get a haircut."

You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.

You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your home.

Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.

You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in America.

You've ever said civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties.

You've ever said "Clean air? Looks clean to me."

You've ever called education a luxury.

You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.

You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.

You came of age in the '60s and don't remember Bob Dylan.

You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero" sticker.

You're afraid of the liberal media."

You ever based an argument on the phrase, "Well, tradition dictates...."

You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can 
because he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society."

You've ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when they don't even have shoes.

You confuse Lenin with Lennon.

Things Republicans Believe

Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness.
"Standing Tall for America" means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India.

A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for governor of California as a Republican.

If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of the public at heart.

Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.

Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.

You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have a right to adopt.

What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.

Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

You Might Be A Democrat If...

• You own something that says, "Dukakis for President, " and still display it.
• You've ever said, "We really should call the ACLU about this."
• You believe that a few hundred loggers can find another career, but the defenseless spotted owl must live in its preferred tree.
• You ever based an argument on the phrase, "But they can afford a tax hike because..."
• You keep count of how many people you know in each racial or ethnic category.
• You believe our government must do it because everyone in Europe does.
• You can't talk about foreign policy without using the word conspiracy.
• You think Ralph Nader makes a lot of sense.
• You don't understand why anyone was bothered by Jane's trip to Hanoi.
• You think solar energy is being held back by those greedy oil companies.
• You've never been mugged.
• You actually expect to collect Social Security.
• You think the State of Florida should have tried to reform Ted Bundy.
• You think the Great Society has actually worked.
• You don't see the similarity between WONK and WANK.
• You got teary-eyed during the film "The American President."
• You think Ayn Rand is an African currency.
• Your house smells like a garbage dump because of your commitment to recycling.
• You think political patronage describes the Kennedy family.
• Your High School Year Book goals included the words "help people."
• You think the Free Market is where they hand out Government cheese.
• You think Carter should be on Mt. Rushmore.
• You believe personal injury lawyers when they say they are just trying to defend the little guy.
• You know that those profit mongering drug companies could find a cure for AIDS if they really wanted to.
• You actually believe the NY Times and Washington Post.
• You know at least one Vegan.
• You trust Teddy Kennedy when he said that she was driving.
• You'd rather own Birkenstock than Merck Stock.
• You think public housing is great, but just NIMBY.
• You think the anti-war protestors from '60s are the real heroes.
• You think that Supply Side Economics refers to your dope dealer's stash.
• You think Michael Jackson is a great example of diversity.
• You actually think that poverty can be abolished.
• You think that Joan Baez had something to say.
• You admire the Swedish welfare system.
• You know that Jefferson really meant to say "Entitled to Happiness."
• You think the Flat Tax should be at 95%
• You go to Gay Pride Day parades so that no one can call you homophobic.
• After looking at your pay stub you can still say, "America is undertaxed."

Democrat Jokes and One-Liners

Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.

Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a prostitute?
A: The prostitute gives value for the money she takes.

Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead Democrat in the road?
A: Vultures will eat the skunk.

Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a catfish?
A: One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish.

Q: What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a lawyer?
A: Chelsea.

Q: What do you get when you cross a pilgrim with a democrat?
A: A god-fearing tax collector who gives thanks for what other people have.

Q: Why should Democrats be buried 100 feet deep?
A: Because deep down, they're really good people.

Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a Democrat?
A: Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

Q: Why did God create Democrats?
A: In order to make used car salesmen look good.

Q: What is a recent Democrat graduate's usual question in his first job?
A: What would you like to have with your french fries, sir?

Q. How many Democrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Just one, but it really gets screwed.

Q: How many Democrats does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It's irrelevant; they still don't know they're in the dark!

They say that Christopher Columbus was the first Democrat. When he left to discover America, he didn't know where he was going. When he got there he didn't know where he was. And it was all done on a government grant.

What do these again meanS?

We're going to have to watch that with a fine-tooth comb.

..that's what really separates the wheat from the sheep.

He's not the brightest brick in the basket.

Don't worry; I've got an ace up my hole.

He's not the brightest cookie in the lamp.

You planted the seed, and I ran with it.

I swear on my dog's breakfast!

If there was a rainbow at night, how would you know it was there?

Just because he's our landlord doesn't mean he owns the place.

Like a cat on a hot tin can.

All old people should be shot at birth.

I know that area of town like the back of my head.

That's the carrot at the end of the tunnel.

Vision is in the eyes of the beholder.

Eventually, I want it now.

In the last year, you've turned around 150%.

It was a huge incontinence for me.

I was already squeezing the buffalo.

I think we're on the same page here, just different parts of the page.

I think you might have hit the nail on the button.

I'm caught between a rock and a wet spot.

I was thinking about you in the shower this morning and I thought of a name for you.

If you have that, the world is your walrus.

It was jumping up and down like a sieve.

I've got ears like a hawk.

This guy's sharp as a cookie.

I had too many hands in the fire.

He's between a rock and a hotplate.

It depends whether you are drinking from the side of the glass that is half-full or half-empty.

I don't need a compass to tell me which way the wind shines!

It's like the blind talking to the blind!

She's not the brightest tree in the forest.

I need a trash compactor because my garbage is too heavy to carry up the driveway.

Cut the cake a different way and go for the lowest hanging fruit.

Now, I do not want to toot my own wagon.

He's not the brightest cookie in the lamp.

We'd be biting off a new can of worms.

Well, it's no skin off my teeth!

That's just cutting your throat to spite your face.

Remember! There is no 'I' in 'Team Spirit'!

If you can't finish the job on time, that'll really put a wrinkle in your feather.

'Usually' only counts in horseshoes.

I wouldn't trust them with a nine foot pole.

Everything has been peaches and gravy.

You're getting too clever for your own boots!

Then I figured that something was rotten in Denver.

If you play with matches, you're going to get fired. 

I'll be straight as a doorknob with you.

Open your mouth and shut your ears when I'm talking to you.

He couldn't find his way out of a paper bag if it bit him.

They dropped the apple cart, now it's up to us to get it back on the tracks.

We'll be done by the schedule date, maybe later.

We are going to have to put all our oars in the fire for this project.

That really throws a monkey at the wrench.

She's totally green under the collar.

You don't want me down here breathing down your throats.

I didn't think it would be a good idea to rattle the barrel.

That floor is so clean you could comb your hair off of it.

He is always robbing Peter Paul to pay Mary.

It's good to get a taste of someone else's moccasins!

There are too many ducks in the soup. 

This is for your FYI.

We definitely don't want to nail ourselves into a corner.

I'm not the brightest bean in the hole.

I want quality, not quantity; but lots of it.

Don't look for a gift in the horse's mouth.

I'm doing this just to break up the mahogany.

We need to iron out our bread and butter.

I think we should go for the whole ball of wood.

Each of you pitched a home run today!

I usually dealt with him using felt-tipped gloves.

It's an exercise in fertility.

Hindsight is 50-50.

You are never going to fail unless you try.

We're scraping the bottom of the iceberg.

Today is like the day Rome was built in. We can't afford to have any fiddlers.

He might be barking at a red herring.

He was smoking like a fish.

He's as deaf as a bat.

We don't want to stick our necks out and get our asses chopped off.

I didn't have two dimes to pee on.

I gave him a real mouthful.

I really took the bull by the hands.

He doesn't know his hole from an ass in the ground.

I can't remember but it's right on the tip of my head!

You can lead a pig to pearls...

The skeleton is there. You just have to sharpen it and put the decorations on the tree.

He would give you the shoes off his back.

That question was so easy I could have answered it blindfolded.

We're going to clean the competition's lunch.

We've baked our cake, now we have to eat it.

That's the pot calling the kettle "Bob".

I want 24 x 7 availability, 5 days a week.

The phone was ringing off its hinges.

I didn't want to stir the apple cart.

It was so quiet you could hear a needle drop in a haystack.

I don't put my chickens before the horse.

It was time to get the train out of the harbor.

I didn't have many bullets left in the tank.

I was shooting at straws.

I was running on exhaustion fumes.

I was looking for a seed that would get it over the hump.

I didn't want to sit in the hotbox with my fingers in my ears.

It's water under the dam now.

I put the ball in the other shoe.

That took the steam out of my sails.

No point in making a molehill out of an elephant!

You can try, but it's like waiting for toast to boil.

Cut off your face in spite of your nose.

You have a better chance of winning the lotto if you don't play.

Can you tell me when my past due amount is due?

Eventually the penny will come home to roost.

You are the wind beneath my cheeks.

Wit and Wisdom

It's really difficult to find what you want on eBay. I was searching for cigarette lighters and found over 15,000 matches.

Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.

Is it just me, or does anybody else find pressing F5 refreshing?

I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from. Then it dawned on me.

In high school, I was in the French club. All we would do is occasionally surrender to the German club.

The worst bar I've ever been to was called The Fiddle. It really was a vile inn.

I just want to thank the girl who ran with me for the last few thousand feet in the marathon yesterday, not wearing a sports bra. Your lack of support got me through.

A farmer is in his big machinery barn one day doing a striptease when the farmhand walks in catching him in the act. "What the heck!?" exclaims the farmhand. "Oh!" replies the farmer, looking quite embarrassed. "Thing is, Mrs Farmer and I haven't been getting on recently so my therapist advised I should do something sexy to a tractor."

Shouldn't the Air and Space Museum be empty?

Somebody called me 'pretentious' the other day. I nearly choked on my latte.

I spent some time at my wife's grave earlier. She's not dead - she thinks I'm digging a pond.

What do houseflies and Mac users have in common? Neither of them understand how Windows work.

92% of cross-eyed teachers have difficulty controlling their pupils.

I used to be quite good at wordplay. Once a pun a time.

Everything is easier said than done. Except for talking, that's about the same.

Don't worry about infringing on corporate trademarks, Just Do It.

I told my buddy that, in order to get laid, I'd promised my girlfriend that I'd marry her in the summer. He said, "July?" I said, "Of course I did."

Failure is at the end of the path of least persistence.

I lost my watch earlier. I would have looked for it but I didn't have the time.

The day that Microsoft creates a product that doesn't suck is the day that they venture into the vacuum cleaner industry.

I see boomerangs are making a comeback.

I woke up this morning and there was a bloke stealing my gate. I didn't want to say anything in case he took a fence.

I'm reading a book about the Titanic at the moment, and the experts speculate that the designer of the Titanic had a lisp. That's unthinkable!

If you were lost in fog, would you be mist?

As a child I enjoyed reading "Spot The Dog". They were a lot easier than "Where's Waldo".

A Freudian slip is one where you say one thing but mean a mother.

Sometimes it's the smallest things that take up the most room in your heart. Like blood clots.

I banged my head on a low bridge. I would have been okay if viaduct.

Now matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

I recently bought a second keyboard, so I can indulge in some stereotyping.

You can't have manslaughter without laughter.

LeAnn Rimes. No it doesn't.

Death - a once in a lifetime experience.

I'm considering becoming a mind reader. What are your thoughts?

I had to do a presentation on children's playground equipment. So I did a slide show.

After 2 hours of wandering around CVS, I eventually found the disposable contact lenses. Aisle C.

As the circus manager I had to tell an acrobat he was sacked yesterday. He wasn't happy, he flipped. Tomorrow I'm going to fire the human cannonball.

I've been searching all day for a word that looks like it's a mock dinosaur's name. But I'm having no joy so far with the thesaurus.

In an effort to defeat Superman, I've joined a street gang. Superman won't stand a chance once I turn into a Crip tonight.

I'm a philosopher. I think.

A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no.

How do you make teenage boys more interested in history? Teach them how to delete it.

The price of owning a faulty jetpack is going through the roof.

My first erotic fantasy was because of a picture of a mermaid. Since then, I've always been drawn to scale.

Cashiers are always checking me out.

I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

Stonehenge Rocks!

I'm great at making balloon animals, if all you want are snakes.

Did you know that the average married couple argue 412 times a year? Well 415 actually, but try telling her that!

How subtle is the b in subtle?

As a pyromaniac, I must say I found Match.com to be incredibly disappointing.

I looked up 'opaque' in the dictionary today. The definition was not very clear.

On reflection, vampires aren't that scary.

I thought I'd found the perfect website to help me overcome my fear of flying until it crashed.

I am married to two women. After years of deceit I owned up to both of them. I thought that was big of me.

Today, I shall rewrite hostiry.

I have no beef with vegetarians.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

Big noses run in my family.

It's weird that the words 'finger puppets' sound okay as a noun.

I opened the mail this morning. Nothing exciting, it was mostly bills. He's gonna be so pissed off when he finds out.

What are the chances of me allowing my wife to choose which TV channel we watch tonight? Remote.

Integers are pointless.

Boxing. What's that, a bout?

I deserted my wife last night. I gave her a big bowl of chocolate pudding.

Due to inflation, balloons are going up.

My ex girlfriend texted me to say that she'd made a voodoo doll of me. I think she's pulling my leg.

I don't know why the word "purposeless" is in the English language. My dictionary says it has no meaning.

My wife's got this weird fetish for sleeping with boxing gloves on. Her doctor thinks it's just the menopause setting in but I just think she's going through a rocky patch.

There was a kidnapping in my town today. She slept for 4 hours.

I'm having trouble accessing the Glade website. It keeps telling me to get some sort of plug-in.

I went to get my palm read the other day, but as I was sitting down at the table I managed to knock over her crystal ball. Ended up costing me a fortune.

I just bought some second hand binoculars fo $200. The guy must have seen me coming from a mile away.

I saw my friend floating about 4 feet off the ground yesterday. He didn't seem the slightest bit bothered. He obviously didn't understand the gravity of the situation.

I'm a pretty good Ventriloquist. Even though I say so myself.

I just saw a large area of ground with 10,000 car parking spaces on it. I thought: "That's a lot".

It is the largest ocean on the planet. It covers 46% of the worlds water surface. The equator divides it into the North and South. It's Latin name 'Mare Pacificum' means peaceful sea. Sorry, I'm being very Pacific.

I remember when I was diagnosed as colorblind, it was completely unexpected, out of the purple.

I can't remember the last time I got really drunk.

I will never forget my childhood summers, when we would climb into old tires and roll down the hills. They were Goodyears.

I'm a cosmetic surgeon and just had to sue a woman over incomplete payment of an invoice. Her nose job was fine, but her breasts were outstanding.

If sex with 3 people is called a threesome, and sex with 2 people is called a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.

I recently wrote a book about how to deal with being an orphan. It's nothing to write home about.

My wife said, "I don't understand double entendres, can you please fill me in?"

I saw Bruce Lee's old man at the bar last night. I was giving him crap about his son and he kicked my ass. From now on I'll respect the elder Lee.

My wife has asked me to "stop always getting the last word in". I'm doing quite well, but now none of my sentences make any.

I'll be ill if you remove the apostrophe.

I failed my English literature exam. Apparently, the answer to question 2b) was not 'or not 2b).'

This is just how messed up the English language is:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) There is no time like the present, he said it was time to present the present.
8) At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
22) I will read what I have read already.

I say tomato you say tomato. Doesn't quite have the same effect online.