MIXED JOKES TODAY

The Golden Toilet

A group of guys are on their way to a party, but couldn't quite remember the address to the house. ''I'm sure this is the one," said the driver. ''Well, I have got to go to the bathroom SO BAD.'' Replied one of the others, ''I'll go knock on the door, and check. If it's the wrong house, at least I'll get to a toilet!''

So he gets out and walks to the front door. He rings it once....No answer. He rings it again.....Still no answer. So, he thinks, ''This is a big house, big party, maybe the party is outside, in the backyard.'' So he walks around the house to the back, there was no one out there either. As he aproached the back door, he was suprized to find it unlocked, and opened. There was obviously no one home, so he figured he'd just quietly run inside real quick, and use there bathroom, no one would know. So, he goes inside but he can't find the bathroom anywhere. So, he quickly ran up the stairs and searched, and searched, till finally as he opened a door to a small room, he was amazed to find a GOLDEN TOILET. He had never seen anything like it, but remembering that he was in a stranger's house, and that they could at anytime return home, he quickly did his business and walked out. As he got in the car he excitedly told his friends of the AMAZING GOLDEN TOILET. They laughed in disbelief at his crazy tale. They pulled out of the driveway, arguing about it. They argued the whole way to the party.

A couple of hours later, on the way home from the party. They drive past the house with the GOLDEN TOILET. And they guy insists on stopping so he could prove to his friends the these people really did have a GOLDEN TOILET. So, they agree to check it out. So they all walk up to the front door and ring the door bell. And a woman answers the door. ''Excuse me maam, but could you please let me show my friends here your GOLDEN TOILET, they don't believe me!'' ''So YOU'RE the guy!'' The woman replies, then yells to her husband in the house, ''HONEY!?!...HERES THE GUY THAT POOPED IN YOUR TUBA!'''

The Living Statues

Two statues stood in a city park: one female and the other male. These statues faced each other for many years.

Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."
And with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling, and twigs snapping.
After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.
Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?"
The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"
Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head!"

The Lord Will Provide

Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find that the river had flooded the entire first floor of her house. Looking out of her window, she saw that the water was still rising. Two men passing by in a rowboat shouted up an invitation to row to safety with them. "No, thank you," Mrs. Watkins replied. "The Lord will provide."

The men shrugged and rowed on. By evening, the water level forced Mrs. Watkins to climb on top of the roof for safety. She was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered to pick her up. "Don't trouble yourself," she told him. "The Lord will provide."
Pretty soon, Mrs. Watkins had to seek refuge atop the chimney. When a Red Cross cutter came by on patrol, she waved it on, shouting, "The Lord will provide." So the boat left, the water rose, and the old woman drowned.
Dripping wet and thoroughly annoyed, she came through the pearly gates and demanded to speak to God. "What happened?" she cried.
"For cryin' out loud, lady," God said, "I sent three boats."

The Marine Shares a Room

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere,"  he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't  care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost.  But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained  in the past.  I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Marine assured him.  "I'll take it."
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.
"Never better."
The manager was impressed.  "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Marine.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

The Poopie List

Ghost Poopie- The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.

Clean Poopie- The kind where you pooped it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
Wet Poopie- The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear, so you won't ruin them with a stain.
Second Wave Poopie- This happens when you're done pooping and you've pulled your pants up to your knees and you realize that you have to poopie some more.
Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Poopie- The kind were you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
Lincoln Log Poopie- The kind of poopie that is so huge, you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.
Gassy Poopie- It's so noisy, everyone within earshot is giggling.
Corn Poopie- Self explanatory.
Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poopie-Poopie- The kind where you want to poopie, but all you do is sit on the toilet & fart a few times.
Spinal Tap Poopie- That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving sideways.
Wet Cheeks Poopie- (The power dump) The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your cheeks get spalshed with water.
Liquid Poopie- The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt and splashes all over the toilet bowl.
Dog Poopie- It smells so bad your nose burns.
Upper Class Poopie- The kind of poopie that doesen't smell.
The Suprise Poopie- You are not even at the toilet because you are sure your about to fart, but OOPS!- a poopie!
The Dangling Poopie- This poopie refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done poopieing. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.

The Programmer and the Princess

A programmer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.”
The programmer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want.” Again the programmer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?” The programmer said, “Look, I'm a programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend -- but a talking frog, now that's cool.”

The Proxy Father

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, ''I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ''Good morning, madam. You don't know me but I've come to....''
''Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you,'' Mrs. Smith cut in.
''Really ?'' the photographer asked. ''Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies.''
''That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?'' asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
''Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out.''
''Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me.''
''Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.''
''I hope we can get this over with quickly,'' gasped Mrs. Smith.
''Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure.''
''Don't I know!'' Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ''This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London.''
''Oh my god!!'', Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
''And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'' The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
''She was difficult ?'' asked Mrs. Smith.
''Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.''
''Four and five deep?'' asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
''Yes,'' the photographer said.
''And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.'' Mrs. Smith leaned forward.
''You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment ?''
''That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.''
''Tripod??'', Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
''Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam ? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!''

Why We Appreciate Men

Why We Appreciate Men And How Our Bubbles Get Burst When He Ain't Prince Charming!! (and added comments)

1. They've got that comfortable place on their shoulder that's perfect for snuggling into while we fall asleep. (At least that's what his girlfriend/wife says - depending on which YOU are!)

2. They're at peace with their bodies, except for maybe some minor anxiety over height, weight, and baldness. (The *names deleted* of the world. . .teehee!!)

3. They're enthusiastic about our bodies, even when we're not. (Yeh, don'tcha love it when they say you look great. . .just don't get over 200 lbs!!)

4. They're beyond enthusiastic about sex. (OK if they are discriminate. . .about who they are having it with!!)

5. They fall in love so hard, once they finally fall. (And don't be shocked if it is their wife. . ."you helped me through a hard time in our marriage and now it's better than ever" OR. . ."yes, I confess, I DID have a fling (you!!), but let's not let that interfere with "us"!!)

6. Chest hair, forearm hair and the feel of a newly shaved cheek. (Well, at least the newly shaved cheek. . .and just so it isn't back hair!!!)

7. Bravery around snakes, waterbugs, bats and flat tires. Sometimes a MYTH!! (The sexiest man I ever knew - among others - do not have that particular instinct!)

8. Their unapologetic lust for a nice hunk of beef or chocolate cake. (And, sometimes to our dismay. . .just their unapologetic lust for a hunk!!) That's when our female phrase "WHAT a WASTE!!!" comes in handy!!

9. Their ability to solve problems simply by throwing a ball around. (Better than throwing US around. . .)

10. The glimpse you get, when they wear their baseball cap backwards of their inner Little Leaguer. (That is something I will just leave alone. . .kind of cute on some. . .)

11. How tender they get when they cry and how seldom they do it. [When their team loses. . .or when they are at a pick-up bar and she/he turns out to be just waaaaayyyyyyy too young. . .and the ones who are interested are Madam-look-alikes (as in Madam and Waylon!)]

12. What they lack in talk, they tend to make up for in action. (. . .at the slot machines or the Baccarat tables. . .OR hitting on their secretaries!)

13. They make excellent companions when driving through rough neighborhoods or walking past dark alleys. (Say WHAT!!??!!)

14. They really love their moms. They remind us of our dads. (Richard Simmons loves HIS Mom and doesn't remind me one thing of my Dad!! Nor Dave Letterman. . .hmmmmmmm!!??)

15. They don't mind accompanying a woman to a party even though she looks like a movie star and they look like the chauffeur. (I ain't touchin' that one cuz I know people with limos!!)

16. Their near-endless appetite for discussing the ins and outs of work and money - ours as well as theirs. (well, the ins/outs of about anything and OUR money, in particular)

17. Their genuine ardor for tinkering with toilets, changing oil and assembling gas grills - jobs any intelligent woman can do but would be nuts to volunteer for. (Some do, some don't. . .either THEY do it or it gets HIRED done. . . I don't even want to LEARN that stuff and don't blame them if THEY don't!!)

18. They never care what their horoscope, their mother-in-law, nor the neighbors say. (. . .AMEN!!)

19. They rarely lie about their age, their weight or their clothing size. (. . .don't get this wrong. . .they DO lie about fishing, money and women!!)

20. How awestruck they are in the face of a Wonderbra or a homemade cookie. (. . .all with the same enthusiasm!!)

21. How sexy their butts look in jeans. (. . .this person must know David Bowie!)

22. How sexy their hands look holding ours. (No contest. . .)

23. Their face is a treasure to behold when they give us a present they picked out. (. . .and they are pretty decent about it when we exchange it for something we really like, too!!)

24. Their ignorance is usually amusing (Sometimes. . .depends on OUR mood !!) (If we are REALLY, REALLY gone on him. . .he is the smartest man in the world, regardless of how ignorant. . .did I say that??!!)

25. They have a great sense of competition (Good if it is at work/earning $$$$. . .bad if it is notches on belts or bedposts!!)

26. They can make great sex partners ("CAN" is the operative word here. . .usually have to have some in-house training!)

27. They give great hugs, ( and always melt our hearts when a sweet "I love you Princess" is added) (Princess, Schmitzess. . .all I ask is that I be treated no differently than the Queen!!)

28. Though they often try to hide it, they're very tenderhearted and caring. (and they are MASTERS at hiding it. . .oh, to be fair - there ARE moments. . .)

29. They have an uncanny ability to look deeply into our eyes and connect with our heart, even when we don't want them to (Good when it is hubby/boyfriend. . .BAD when it is David Bowie/Lenny Kravitz) (REALLY bad when it is Bill Clinton. . .)

30. They don't care whether colours match but are willing to be concerned if we want them to be (. . .unless it is at the football game. . .then COLOR counts!!)

31. They can be taught (. . .and when you get one trained. . .just hang in there as the older they get - the harder to train!!!)

32. They give us a peek at the little boy inside when they get sick or happy or hurt. (More like the Pamper/Binky stage. . .)

 

The Top 16 Things That Can Get a Guy Banned From the Men's Union

16 You catch yourself thinking, "You know, what this bed needs is a few more pillows."

15 "What do you think: a Zima or a white zinfandel?"

14 You rhapsodize about taking that chick with the great rack home from the bar for a long night of sweet cuddling and General Foods International Coffee.

13 You not only know the difference between a puff pastry and a cream puff, but your choux paste swan took first place at the county fair.

12 "Ewww, gross! Two women kissing!"

11 "You know, take away the steroids and over-the-top sideshow atmosphere from pro wrestling and it's just like ballet!"

10 Your new Martha Burke signature putter.

9 Not only can you identify Sarah Hughes and Tara Lipinski, you can articulate the logic behind the "artistic impression" scores in figure skating.

8 You turn down playoff tickets so you can watch Cher's farewell concert on TV.

7 You complain that the "Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood" movie was not true to the book.

6 Sure, it's the fourth quarter of the Super Bowl and you've had a lot to drink, but you can't resist commenting on how those uniforms would look a lot neater if only they'd been finished with an overedge chain rather than a two-thread lock stitch.

5 Your "Bridges of Madison County" lunch box.

4 You not only sing show tunes at karaoke, you employ full choreography.

3 You ask your barber to give you a "Richard Simmons."

2 When the guys put you in charge of "entertainment" for the bachelor party in Vegas, you buy tickets to see Celine Dion.

1 "No oral sex for me tonight, honey -- I don't feel very fresh down there."

The Six Most Important Men In a Woman's Life

.

Doctor-Because he says-
"Take off all your clothes"

Dentist-Because he says-
"Open wide"

Milkman-Because he says-
"Do you want it in the front or back?"

Hairdresser-Because he says-
"Want it teased of blown?"

Interior Decorator-Because he says-
"Once it's in you'll love it"

Banker-Because he says-
"If you take it out too soon you'll lose interest

Men's English

I'm hungry = I'm hungry 

I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy 

I'm tired = I'm tired 

Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you 

Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you 

Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you 

May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you 

Nice dress! = Nice cleavage! 

You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you 

What's wrong? = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this 

What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question 

I'm bored = Do you want to have sex? 

I love you = Let's have sex now 

I love you, too = Okay, I said it, we'd better have sex now! 

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before 

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = $50 and it doesn't look that much different! 

Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me 

Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys 

(while shopping) I like that one better = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home! 

I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together = I am gay.

Reasons Women Should Not Have Freedom of Speech

Reasons Women Should Not Have Freedom of Speech...

1. She doesn't need to talk to get me a beer.

2. If she's in the kitchen like she should be, no one can hear her anyway.

3. If she can talk, all she'll do is complain.

4. Because she won't say "I will" instead of "I do."

5. No man wants to hear "first down" during a basketball game.

6. Because PMS is no excuse for whining.

7. No man needs or wants to hear the word "period" unless it has to do with hockey.

8. Women created tampon and yeast infection commercials during football.

9. Affirmative action.

10. When men whistle at them in the street, they should just shut up and obey.

11. If my dick's in her mouth, she can't talk anyway.

12. Oprah.

13. Feminists.

14. Because that stupid look on her face should not be accompanied by an equally stupid statement.

15. The 2nd and 19th amendments.

16. I don't want to be made to lie and say "I love you" after sex.

17. Highway fatalities would decrease by over 90%.

18. When I sneak out at four in the morning, I don't want to hear anybody calling me back.

19. "No, I will NOT buy you tampons while I'm at the store"

20. This is my dick. I'm gonna fuck you. No more stupid questions.

21. Don't waste your breath, I won't respect you in the morning.

22. Women sportscasters.

23. Women congressman.

24. God forbid, a woman president. (Oops, my bad -- see #66)

25. Marge Schott.

26. Stupid says as stupid does (and is).. Dikes (unless I can jump in the middle).

28. Where does speaking come into "barefoot and pregnant?"

29. Yes that toilet seat was yellow in the first place.

30. TLC and Salt-N-Pepa.

31. I could give a shit if you're pregnant.

32. I don't care if you're in labor. For the love of god, let me sleep.

33. They were the reason for the 18th ammendment.

34. The life expectancy of the average male goes down with every bitchy word.

35. Female drunks are annoying unless they put out (for which they don’t need to talk)

36. We're tired of their "We can't pee standing up" shit.

37. That damn apple.

38. If she can't speak, she can't cry rape.

39. Of course, if she can't speak, she can't say no.

40. Rosanne. Nuff said.

41. Suzanne Powter. Too much said.

42. Honestly, do they really have anything useful to say?

43. Only one set of lips should be moving at a time.

44. If she can't talk, she can't bitch when I forget important dates.

45. There are no speaking parts in pornos anyway.

46. When she talks she's not drinking, it's hard to get her drunk when she talking.

47. Nothing should come out a woman's mouth, SWALLOW BITCH!

48. The Mute button only works on the TV.

49. Whores get paid by the hour not by the word.

50. Helen Keller was the ultimate woman.

51. Equality is for math.

52. The credit card bill speaks for itself.

53. If it hurts, I don't wanna hear it.

54. Marcia Clark.

55. Chick-flicks.

56. You don't see Victoria's Secret models talking, do you?

57. Janet, Mariah, and Whitney.

58. Michael Jackson.

59. Silence and sex make a great combination.

60. N. O. W. ? NO. NOW BITCH? YES.

61. Intelligent car conversation? Hell no. Her head should never be above the dashboard.

62. That annoying fat bitch from Snapple.

63. Your mouth is useful in so many other ways.

64. High phone bills really suck.

65. Women should be seen and not heard.

66. Do you think it was BILL Clinton who fucked up the country?

67. If I want romance, I'll turn on Playboy (hopefully not her).

68. Because they're not men.

69. 69, finally a use for both lips at the same time.

70. If I wanted your opinion, I'd ask for it.

71. Hell, if I wanted your opinion, I'd give it to you.

72. "Where've you been?" Who the fuck are you, my mother?

73. Women on radio? You can't see them, do you really want to hear
them?

74. Unless the words are "Doctor, can you make these bigger?," shut the fuck up.

75. Big breasts should speak for themselves.

Man slamming list of lists!

How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have testicles.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Why don't men eat more M&M's?
They're too hard to peel.

What do you call a man with an IQ of 50?
Gifted.

What's a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.

How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
He's breathing.

What do men and bottles of beer have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.

How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares!!!!

What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. Men will screw anything!

How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know - it's never happened.

Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces?
Because they're stupid.

How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken.

Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.

A woman of 35 thinks of having children.
What does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children.

How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.

How does a man show he's planning for the Future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.

How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
Exchange him.

Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites attract.

Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half time.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.

Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.

Zen Quotes

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just #$%^ off and leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

6. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.

14. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

15. Don't squat with your spurs on.

17. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.

18. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

19. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

20. Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

Oh So True

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to beg forgiveness than get permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world

 HELPFUL TIPS TO MAKE LIFE SIMPLE

Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

* Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

* Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

* Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

* No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

* Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).

* If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

* Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

RULES OF THE ROAD

* If, at any time, you have witnessed a green light, it is okay to proceed through the intersection, regardless of the current state of the light.

* The shoulder becomes a lane if you are driving a Porsche.

* If you paid more than $60,000 for your car, you automatically have the right of way, regardless of the situation. This is especially applicable in parking lots.

* Drive as quickly as possible through parking structures. Pass any open spot by at least four car lengths before backing up to claim it. Disregard the angry mob that has formed behind you.

* While driving on the freeway and talking on your cell phone, alternate between 45 and 100 MPH. This is especially effective if driving in the fast lane.

* Every lane is the suicide lane.

* Always set the alarm to its most sensitive setting before leaving your parked car.

* If you miss your exit, no worries. Just cut across six lanes of traffic and drive over the divider. If you really weren't supposed to cross it, they would make it out of concrete instead of painted lines.

* For parking purposes, all SUV's are compact cars. Honest!

* To calculate the proper speed limit on the freeway, subtract your age from 100. Double this number if your car has dual exhaust. Conversely, add your age to 100 if you are suffering from (or past) your midlife crisis.

* If you hear sirens, DO NOT pull over. Slow down exactly where you are and start looking for carnage.

* If a cop attempts to pull you over, give chase. You won't get away, but it's guaranteed you'll make live TV. Toward the end of the chase, be sure to throw random items out of your window. It will give the reporters something to talk about on the late news.

* Never use your turn signal, unless of course you are on the freeway with no intention of merging.

* If there are already three cars stopped at a four way stop, accelerate immediately. Otherwise, one of those cars might go ahead of you!

* Take full advantage of your right to U-turn. Laugh aloud at people from other states who turn around in driveways.

* In case of rain, pull over immediately! You cannot drive in any sort of precipitation.

* While driving uphill, do not downshift. While driving downhill, ride your brakes.

* On narrow canyon roads, feel free to use the center divider as a passing lane.

SOME SMART LAWS

Rhode's Corollary To Hoare's Law: Inside every complex and unworkable program is a useful routine struggling to be free.

Ross's Law: Bare feet magnetise sharp metal objects so they always point upwars from the floor-especially in the dark.

Rudin's Law: In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative courses of action, people tend to choose the worst possible course.

Rudnicki's Nobel Prize Principle: Only someone who understands something absolutely can explain it so no one else can understand it.

Rule Of Accuracy: When working toward the solution of a problem it always helps you to know the answer.

Ryan's Law: Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

Sattinger's Law: It works better if you plug it in.