Reasons For John's Sex Change

10. Lower auto insurance premiums.

9. Easier to get job because of hiring quotas
 
8. Cleaner restrooms.

7. Tired of boring men's fashions and wants something new and exciting.

6. Women live longer.

5. Can get easily picked up in bars.

4. Really likes the guy next door but knows that he is not gay.

3. Failed to make the MEN'S U.S. Olympic Ski Team.

2. Wants to be an assistant to Clarence Thomas to find out if "it's really true".

And the number 1 reason why John is officially becoming a woman:

1. PMS - An Incredible Sensory Experience!!!

How to Shower like a Man!

How To Shower Like A Man:

1 - Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

2 - Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo" sound.

3 - Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror, scratch your "privates" and smell your fingers for one last whiff.

4 - Get in the shower.

5 - Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).

6 - Wash your face.

7 - Wash your armpits.

8 - Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.

9 - Wash your privates and surrounding area.

10 - Wash your butt, leaving hair on the soap bar.

11 - Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).

12 - Make a shampoo Mohawk.

13 - Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.

14 - Pee (in the shower).

15 - Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.

16 - Partially dry off.

17 - Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size again.

18 - Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.

19 - Leave bathroom fan and light on.

20 - Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her.

21 - Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

Training Courses Now Available for Men

1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop

2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge

3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding

4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead

5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? : You CAN Tell the Difference! 

6. If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss I

7. If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back: Accepting Loss II

8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore!

9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In

10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In

11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink

12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!

13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!

14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to Goodwill

15. Retro? Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester Shirts

16. No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves: Knowing the 4 Limitations of Your Kitchenware

17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!

18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means

19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut

20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category or Selecting movies that don't star John Wayne on television

21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote

22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh

23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet

24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed

25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!

26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty

27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them

28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime

29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It

He: Haven't we met before?...

He: Haven't we met before?
She: Yes, I'm the receptionist at the Bad Breath Clinic.

He: Is this seat empty?
She: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

He: So, wanna go back to my place?
She: I don't know. Can two people fit under a rock?

He: Your place or mine?
She: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.

He: So what do you do for a living?
She: I'm a female impersonator.

He: Hey, baby, what's your sign?
She: Do Not Enter

He: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
She: Unfertilized.

He: Hey, we're both here for the same reason.
She: Right, let's pick up some chicks.

He: I want to give myself to you.
She: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

He: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
She: If I saw you naked, I'd die laughing.

He: I know how to please a woman.
She: Then please leave me alone.

He: I'd go to the end of the world for you.
She: Sure, but would you stay there?

Helpful Tips To Make Life Simpler

Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.


Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.


Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.


Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.


No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.


Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).


If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.


Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

10 Good Things About The Flu

10. No one wants to come near you.

9. You can legally take sedatives.

8. You realize guests on daytime talk shows have worse lives than you do.

7. You get away with being rude, obnoxious and surly.

6. You can smell like a baboon's butt and nobody complains.

5. You can shlep about the house unwashed and in your housecoat all day.

4. No matter how bad you feel, it's still better than how you felt after last month's tequila 'n' gin party.

3. Star Trek re-runs.

2. Your dog is allowed on the bed.

1. You get to pass the virus on to those you really dislike.

Ultra dumb people

The incredibly dumb

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting please to come out and give himself up.

An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher."

A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy.

Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."

DID YOU KNOW ??(PART 1)

• Leonardo da Vinci was able to draw with one hand while writing with the other.

Marilyn Monroe had six toes on one foot.

•  
•  

• Anne Boleyn had six fingers on each hand.
• Mel Blanc [the voice of Bugs Bunny] was allergic to carrots.
• Pope John Paul the 2nd became a honorary Harlem Globetrotter in the year 2000.
• Neil Armstrong stepped on the moon with his left foot.
• The first owner of Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
• The average person in their life time will eat 60,000 pounds of food, the weight of approximately six elephants.
• 25% of the bones in your body are in your feet.  Also, Your ribs move about five million times a year.
• Most of the dust particles in your house are dead skin.
• The average person laughs thirteen times a day. Are you average?
• Men are more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
• Amateur boxer Joe Flanagan named his two sons Bob and Weave.
• Drivers kill more deer than hunters.
• William Semple, a dentist, invented chewing gum to exercise the jaw.

• Walt Disney was afraid of mice.

• More people use blue toothbrushes than red.
• Everybody's tongue print is as unique as their finger print.
• A hardworking adult will sweat up to four gallons of water per day.
• Fingernails grow nearly four times faster than toenails.

Did You Know ( Part 2)

• The Jersey or walking stick cabbage has a stem as high as a man and can grow 16 feet tall.
• Kilts were invented by the Irish. The word "kilt" is, in fact, Danish.
• The human body burns about 60 calories an hour while asleep, 85 while eating and 130 sitting working at a computer.
• In a national anthem survey, 79% of Americans know the first line of the 'Star-Spangled Banner', but only 37% of Canadians know the first line to 'Oh, Canada', which is really pathetic considering the first line of 'Oh, Canada' is 'Oh, Canada'. - Jay leno.
• When they are closed quickly, the crossover point on a pair of scissors is moving faster than the speed of light.
• Until 1800, cookery was so dangerous that it was the second commonest cause of death among women after childbirth.
• The American musician John Cage [1912-92] is best known for his 1952 composition 4'33", which consists of nothing but total silence. Its three "movements" are "performed" without playing a single note.
• A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
• The 'sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick' is thought to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.
• Charlie Chaplin once won only third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest.
• If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.
• It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
• Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
• Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
• No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
• Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
• Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
• Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

• 'Stewardesses' is the longest word typed with only the left hand and 'lollipop' with your right.
• The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
• The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
• The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
• The sentence: 'The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog', uses every letter of the alphabet.
• The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
• The words 'racecar', 'kayak' and 'level' are palindromes.  They read the same whether you read them left to right or right to left.
• There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
• There are more chickens than people in the world.
• There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: 'abstemious' and ' facetious.'
• There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.
• Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
• TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
• Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
• Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
• Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.
• Now you know everything.