ALWAYS Look on the Brighter Side of Life

·        Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

·        A day without sunshine is like, night.

·        On the other hand, you have different fingers.

·        I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

·        42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

·        99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

·        I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

·    You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, and then used  against you.

·        I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

·        Honk if you love peace and quiet.

·        Remember half the people you know are below average.

·        Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

·        Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.

·        He who laughs last thinks slowest.

·        Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

·        Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

·        The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

·        I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

·        I intend to live forever - so far so good.

·        Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

·        Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.

·        If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

·        Mind like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.

·        Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

·        The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

·        Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

·        When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.

·        If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

·        A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

·        Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

·        For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

·        Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks

·        Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

·        No one is listening until you make a mistake.

·        Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

·        The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.

·        The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

·        The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

·        To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

·        To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

·        Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

·        You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

·        Two wrongs are only the beginning.

·        The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

·        The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.

·        A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

·        Change is inevitable except from vending machines.

·        Get a new car for your spouse - it’ll be a great trade!

·        Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.

·        Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

·        If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

·        How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...

SOMETHING FOR VALENTINE’S DAY

LOVE WINS EVERYTHING

'I require three things in a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid.' Dorothy Parker

'Women are cursed, and men are the proof.' Rosanne Barr

'Women with pasts interest men... they hope history will repeat itself.'  Mae West

'Get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.' Mickey Rooney

'My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.'Rita Rudner

'The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead.' Ann Landers

'I married the first man I ever kissed. When I tell my children that, they just about throw up.' Barbara Bush

'Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.' Groucho Marx

Happiness is an imaginary condition, formerly attributed by the living to the dead, now usually attributed by adults to children, and by children to adults.Thomas Szasz

If you are in love, and wish to send you own Valentine's Day quotes, either use these or else modify them for your own true love.

The moment you have in your heart this extraordinary thing called love and feel the depth, the delight, the ecstasy of it, you will discover that for you the world is transformed. J. Krishnamurti

All you need is love. John Lennon

Love sought is good, but giv'n unsought is better. William Shakespeare in Twelfth Night (Act III, Scene I)

One makes mistakes; that is life. But it is never a mistake to have loved. Romain Rolland

Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke.Lynda Barry

Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses. Thomas Robert Dewar

A heart that loves is always young. Greek Proverb

But I have seen theeAnd thou art enough. G. Moore 

Your words are my food, your breath my wine. You are everything to me. Sarah Bernhardt 

Friendship is one mind in two bodies. Mencius

If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you.Winnie the Pooh

There is only one happiness in life: to love and be loved. George Sand

Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was choice, falling in love with you was beyond my control.

Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies. Aristotle

The heart has its reasons that reason does not know. Pascal

The risk it takes to remain tight inside the bud is more painful than the risk it takes to blossom.Anais Nin

You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back. Barbara DeAngelis

Love, like a river, will cut a new path whenever it meets an obstacle. Crystal Middlemas

Greater Love has no man than this: that a man lay down his life for his friends. Jesus

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return. Eden Ahbez

It's not that I can't live without you...it's just that I don't even want to try.It's better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all.' Alfred, Lord Tennyson

True love begins when nothing is looked for in return. Antoine De Saint-Exupery

Love, you know, seeks to make happy rather than to be happy. Ralph Connor

True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom known until it be lost. Charles Caleb Colton

We all take different paths in life, but no matter where we go, we take a little of each other everywhere. Tim McGraw

Hold a true friend with both your hands. Nigerian Proverb

My father always used to say that when you die, if you've got five real friends, then you've had a great life. Lee Iacocca

A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out. Anon

Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you say. Best friends listen to what you don't say. Anon

If you walk in front of me, I may not follow.
If you walk behind me, I may not lead.
If you walk beside me, I will be your friend. Albert Camus

When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
Mark Twain

Because when we love, we always strive to become better than we are. Paulo Coelho in The Alchemist

A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks; A woman loses hers after four kisses. H.L. Mencken

A kiss can be a comma, a question mark or an exclamation point.  That's basic spelling that every woman tought to know. Mistinguette

Don't wait for the one you can live with, wait for the one you can't live without.Love is like a river, always changing, but always finding you again somewhere down the road. Kelly Elaine

One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: that word is love. Sophocles

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.  That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.  David Bissonnette

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years.  If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.  Henny Youngman

It's better to have loved and lost than to do forty pounds of laundry a week.  Laurence J. Peter

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?  Anonymous

If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?  Lily Tomlin

Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock. John Barrymore

Absence: that common cure of love.

Miguel De Cervantes

Stress (a helpful one)

A young lady confidently walked around the room while leading and explaining stress management to an audience with a raised glass of water. Everyone knew she was going to ask the ultimate question, 'half empty or half full?'... She fooled them all ... "How heavy is this glass of water?" she inquired with a smile.

Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz.

She replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter.
It depends on how long I hold it.                        
If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem.
If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm.
If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance.
In each case it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes." She continued, "and that's the way it is with stress.

 If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on."

"As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden - holding stress longer and better each time practised.
So, as early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down.
Don't carry them through the evening and into the night... Pick them up tomorrow.

1 * Accept the fact that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue!

2 * Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

3 * Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

4 * Drive carefully... It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker.. 

5 * If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague

6 * If you lend someone £ 20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

7 * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

8 * Never buy a car you can't push.

9 * Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.

10 * Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

11 * Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

12 * The second mouse gets the cheese.

13 * When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

14 * Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

16 * Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

17 * We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.

18 * A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

19 * Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today.
                
                   AND MOST IMPORTANTLY
20*Save the earth..... It's the only planet with chocolate !

Did You Know ( Part 2)

• The Jersey or walking stick cabbage has a stem as high as a man and can grow 16 feet tall.
• Kilts were invented by the Irish. The word "kilt" is, in fact, Danish.
• The human body burns about 60 calories an hour while asleep, 85 while eating and 130 sitting working at a computer.
• In a national anthem survey, 79% of Americans know the first line of the 'Star-Spangled Banner', but only 37% of Canadians know the first line to 'Oh, Canada', which is really pathetic considering the first line of 'Oh, Canada' is 'Oh, Canada'. - Jay leno.
• When they are closed quickly, the crossover point on a pair of scissors is moving faster than the speed of light.
• Until 1800, cookery was so dangerous that it was the second commonest cause of death among women after childbirth.
• The American musician John Cage [1912-92] is best known for his 1952 composition 4'33", which consists of nothing but total silence. Its three "movements" are "performed" without playing a single note.
• A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
• The 'sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick' is thought to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.
• Charlie Chaplin once won only third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest.
• If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.
• It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
• Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
• Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
• No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
• Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
• Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
• Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

• 'Stewardesses' is the longest word typed with only the left hand and 'lollipop' with your right.
• The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
• The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
• The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
• The sentence: 'The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog', uses every letter of the alphabet.
• The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
• The words 'racecar', 'kayak' and 'level' are palindromes.  They read the same whether you read them left to right or right to left.
• There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
• There are more chickens than people in the world.
• There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: 'abstemious' and ' facetious.'
• There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.
• Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
• TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
• Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
• Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
• Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.
• Now you know everything.

Did You Know ( Part 1)

• The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
• Coca-Cola was originally green.
• Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
• The Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.
• Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.
• City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita: Hong Kong.
• State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska.
• Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%
• Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
• Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33
• Cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
• Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000.
• Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
• The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
• The youngest pope was 11 years old.
• First novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
• The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments
• Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades - King David
Clubs - Alexander the Great,
Hearts-Charlemagne, and
Diamonds - Julius Caesar.

• If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes. .
• 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
• Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
• 'I am'. Is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
• The phrase 'rule of thumb' is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
• The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the 'General Purpose' vehicle, G.P.
• The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
• In just one year, each and every American on average consumes enough wood and paper to construct a tree 100 feet tall and 16 inches in diameter.
• Over three million Americans stutter.  Stuttering is gender related and affects three to four times as many males as females.
• The maximum speed that raindrops can fall at is around 18mph.  The precise speed depends on their size.

• Because of thermal expansion the Eiffel Tower is 15cm taller in summer than in winter.
• The human head contains 22 bones.
• A bolt of lightning contains enough energy to toast 160,000 pieces of bread. Unfortunately, the bolt only takes 1/10,000 of a second - so turning the bread over might prove difficult!
• The tomato is the world's most popular fruit.
• Worldwide, 20,000 brands of beer are brewed in 180 styles, from ales, lagers, pilsner and stouts to bitters, cream ales and iced beers.
• The largest flower in the world is Rafflesia arnoldi.  Surprisingly, it is a a parasitic plant that grows only on Sumatra, Indonesia.  The genus Rafflesia was named after Sir Thomas Stamford Raffles, the great explorer.
• In 1313, King Edward II stated that, 'You are forbidden from dying in parliament.'
• In Melbourne, Australia it is illegal for men to parade in strapless dresses, however, they are allowed to cross-dress in anything with sleeves.
• King George V changed the name of the British royal family from the German sounding Saxe-Coburg-Gotha to Windsor in 1917.  As the Great War was at its height King George V wanted to distance himself from his cousin Kaiser Wilhelm II of Germany.
• Ravens are kept in the Tower of London because, according to myth, the British throne will come to a fall if the ravens leave the tower. The wings of the ravens are clipped to prevent them from flying away.

One more for luck: Apparently, we're told that 35% of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

Secret of Happy Marriage

 

•  The woman always makes the rules
• These rules are subject to change without notice
• No man can possibly know all the rules
• The woman is never wrong
• If it appears the woman is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the man did or said
• The man must apologise immediately for causing the misunderstanding
• The woman can change her mind at any time
• The man must never change his mind without the proper consent of the woman
• The man must read the mind of the woman at all times
• At all times, what is important is what the woman meant, not what she said.
• Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling a garage is not an option. I will win.
• Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, 'I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start.' We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of Holy Communion.

 

• Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.
• Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.
• Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
• Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator instead (applies to engineers only).
• Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't ... and if you are feeling amorous afterwards ... then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
• Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine.. It does not make your rear look too big. It was the pasta and potatoes and Margaritas that did that. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

• Because I'm a man, and this is after all, the year 2012, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest; like wandering around in the garden with a beer, wondering what to do.

Why?

• Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
• Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
• Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
• Why don't we ever see this headline:
  Psychic Wins Lottery ?
• Why is the man who invests all your money called a 'Broker'?
• Why isn't there mouse flavoured cat food?
• Who tastes dog food when it has a 'new & improved' flavour?
• Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
• Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
• Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
• Why do they call the airport 'the terminal' if flying is so safe?

Funny Thoughts

• If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
• If people from Poland are called 'Poles', why aren't people from Holland called 'Holes?'
• Why do we say something is out of whack?  What is a whack, anyway?
• Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
• If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
• Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs?  Shouldn't they be wearing nightgowns?
• If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
• When someone asks you, 'A penny for your thoughts, 'and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
• When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
• Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
• Why are a wise man and wise guy opposites?
• Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
• If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
• Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
• 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.  Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?  Think about it.
• If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
• Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as  '4's'?
• Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
• Why do they display pictures of criminals in the Post Office?  What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail ?