12 Advantages of being a man & the only 2 disadvantage

12 top advantages of being a man:

1. You can play football

2. You don\'t have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

3. It doesn\'t ruin your day if your best freind doesn\'t notice your new haircut.

4. You don\'t need a diamond ring to make a commitment.

5. You just make the babies, you don\'t have to give them.

6. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

7. You don\'t cook, you barbeque.

8. You get to make fun of homosexuals instead of shopping with them.

9. The only nails you break are steel.

10. When you hit 30, you\'re still drinking beer.

11. Red doesn\'t make you look fat.

12. Weight-watchers doesn\'t allow men.

The only 2 disadvantages of being a man:

1. Bars don\'t have men\'s night (They only have ladies night.)

2. You can\'t get a job by showing your boobs.

 

52 WORST PICKUP LINES...

1. Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!

2. Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti, let's go screw.

3. Just call me milk, I'll do your body good.

4. Your body's name must be visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.

5. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

6. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.

7. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

8. My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and going....

9. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too.

10. Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way right away.

11. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.

12. I enjoy doing maintenance, you look like someone I would like to"tinker" around with.

13. You must be from Pearl Harbor, cause baby you're the Bomb - diggity.

14. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.

15. Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants.

16. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?

17. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Walmart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.

18. Wanna Play House? You be the screen door and I'll slam you all night long.

19. If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

20. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.

21. If you were a car, I wax you and ride you all over town.

22. Guy: "Would you like to dance?" Girl: "I don't care for this song and surely wouldn't dance with you."

Guy: "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants"

23. Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I've seem to have lost mine.

24. I look good on you.

25. I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.

26. If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg Christmas, can  visit you between the Holidays?

27. You look like a girl that has heard every line in the book, so what's one more going to hurt?

28. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda?

29. I love every bone in your body - especially mine.

30. Excuse me, do you wanna fuck, or should I apologize.

31. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

32. Do you want to dance, No? Well I guess a fuck is out of the question.

33. Hi, I'm a necrophiliac, how good are you at playing dead?

34. I lost my bed, can I borrow yours?

35. You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.

36. My recipe for love is one cup of you, one cup of me, knead till hard, and serve hot.

37. Are your legs tired, because you've been running through my mind all day long.

38. You be the tree, and I'll wrap you like a Koala.

39. Hey baby, I'm like American Express, you don't want to leave home without me.

40. Do you have a quarter? My mother told me to call home when I met the girl of my dreams.

41. The word for the night is legs, let's go back to my room and spread the word.

42. Hey baby, what's your sign? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous curves ahead, yield?

43. Hi my name is _______, remember it, cause you'll be screaming it all night long.

44. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

45. Was you dad a farmer? Cause you sure have great melons.

46. Want to play conductor?? You be the engineer and I'll go Choochoo.

47. You must be Jelly, cause jam don't shake like that.

48. The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means that there's more room for your tongue.

49. Guy: "haven't I seen you someplace before?"

Girl: "Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore"

50. Hi, my name is Skippy, like the peanut butter I stick to the roof of your mouth.

51. Hi, my name is Pogo, want to jump on my stick?

52. Guy: Want to go get a pizza and a fuck?

Girl: No!

Guy: What, you don't like pizza?

Men Are Like...

Men are like ... Coffee

The best ones are rich, warm, full-bodied and can keep you up all night long.

Men are like ... Cement

After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

Men are like ... Chocolate Bars

Sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like ... Blenders

You think that you need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like ... Coolers

Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

Men are like ... Copiers

You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like ... Curling Irons

They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

Men are like ... Government Bonds

They take so long to mature.

Men are like ... High Heels

They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like ... Horoscopes

They always tell you what to do, but they're usually wrong.

Men are like ... Lawn Mowers

If you're not pushing one around, you're usually riding it.
Men are like ... Lava Lamps
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like ... Laxatives

They irritate the shit out of you.

Men are like ... Mascara

They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like ... Mini Skirts

If you're not careful they'll creep up your legs.

Men are like ... Noodles

They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Men are like ... Parking Spots

The good ones are already taken, and the ones that are left are handicapped or extremely small.

Men are like ... Weather

Nothing can be done to change them.

Men are like ... Plungers

They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

Men are like ... Popcorn

They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like ... Placemats

They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like ... Snowstorms

You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

Men are like ... Used Cars

Both are easy to get, cheap and unreliable.

Men are like ... Vacations.

They never seem to be long enough.

60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.

2. Ahh, it's cute.

3. Who circumcised you?

4. Why don't we just cuddle?

5. You know they have surgery to fix that.

6. It's more fun to look at.

7. Make it dance.

8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.

9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?

10. It looks like a night crawler.

11. Wow, and your feet are so big.

12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.

13. It's ok, we'll work around it.

14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?

15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.

16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?

17. Oh no, a flash headache.

18. (giggle and point)

19. Can I be honest with you?

20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.

21. Let me go get my tweezers.

22. How sweet, you brought incense.

23. This explains your car.

24. You must be a growing boy.

25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.

26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.

27. Are you one of those pygmies?

28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?

29. Every heard of clearasil?

30. All right, a treasure hunt!

31. I didn't know they came that small.

32. Why is God punishing you?

33. At least this won't take long.

34. I never saw one like that before.

35. What do you call this?

36. But it still works, right?

37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.

38. It looks so unused.

39. Do you take steroids?

40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.

41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.

42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?

43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.

44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?

45. Aww, it's hiding.

46. Are you cold?

47. If you get me real drunk first.

48. Is that an optical illusion?

49. What is that?

50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.

51. Were you neutered?

52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.

53. Does it come with an air pump?

54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.

55. Where are the puppet strings?

56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.

57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.

58. Never mind, why bother.

59. Is that a second belly button?

60. Where's the rest of it?

AGE DRINK...

17 beer
25 beer
35 vodka
48 double vodka
66 Maalox

SEDUCTION LINE
17 My parents are away for the weekend.
25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48 My wife is away for the weekend.
66 My second wife is dead.

FAVORITE SPORT
17 sex
25 sex
35 sex
48 sex
66 napping

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "tongue"
25 "breakfast"
35 "She didn't set back my therapy."
48 "I didn't have to meet her kids."
66 "Got home alive."

FAVORITE FANTASY
17 getting to third
25 airplane sex
35 menage a trois
48 taking the company public
66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave

HOUSE PET
17 roaches
25 stoned-out college roommate
35 Irish setter
48 children from his first marriage
66 Barbi

WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 25
25 35
35 48
48 66
66 17

IDEAL DATE
17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25 "Split the check before we go back to my place"
35 "Just come over."
48 "Just come over and cook."
66 sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.

If Men TRULY Ruled The World!

Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the behind and a "Nice hustle, you'll get'em next time" would pretty much do it. 

Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years. 

On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too. 

St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.

Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history!

The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle".

Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".

Tanks would be far easier to rent.

Two words..."Ally McNaked".

Birth control would come in ale or lager.

Garbage would take itself out.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one, That's $10.00 off". 

People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.

Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation. 

It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas. 

Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!". 

When your wife/girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out. 

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you".

"Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance. 

Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

Stress (a helpful one)

A young lady confidently walked around the room while leading and explaining stress management to an audience with a raised glass of water. Everyone knew she was going to ask the ultimate question, 'half empty or half full?'... She fooled them all ... "How heavy is this glass of water?" she inquired with a smile.

Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz.

She replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter.
It depends on how long I hold it.                        
If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem.
If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm.
If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance.
In each case it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes." She continued, "and that's the way it is with stress.

 If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on."

"As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden - holding stress longer and better each time practised.
So, as early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down.
Don't carry them through the evening and into the night... Pick them up tomorrow.

1 * Accept the fact that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue!

2 * Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

3 * Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

4 * Drive carefully... It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker.. 

5 * If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague

6 * If you lend someone £ 20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

7 * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

8 * Never buy a car you can't push.

9 * Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.

10 * Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

11 * Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

12 * The second mouse gets the cheese.

13 * When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

14 * Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

16 * Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

17 * We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.

18 * A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

19 * Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today.
                
                   AND MOST IMPORTANTLY
20*Save the earth..... It's the only planet with chocolate !