NEVER ENOUGH JOKES ABOUT BLONDES

the funniest blonde joke

I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......

* she called me to get my phone number.

* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."

* she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

*she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

*she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

*she tried to drown a fish.

*she thought a quarterback was a refund.

*she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

*she tripped over a cordless phone.

*she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

*she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

*she studied for a blood test.

*she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

*when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

*when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

*when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home

Inventions

NEW INVENTIONS BY BLONDES:

The water-proof towel

Glow in the dark sunglasses

Solar powered flashlight

Submarine screen door

A book on how to read

Inflatable dart board

A dictionary index

Powdered water

Pedal powered wheel chair

Water proof tea bags

Zero proof alcohol

Reusable ice cubes

Skinless bananas

Do it yourself roadmap

Quick Blonde Jokes

Q. How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A. Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Q. How do you confuse a blonde?
A. You can't, they have always been like that.

Q. A blonde is going to London on a plane. How can you steal her window seat?
A. Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.

Q. What do twenty blondes standing ear to ear make?
A. A wind tunnel.

Q. How do you confuse a blonde?
A. Put them in a round room and tell them to sit in the corner.

Q. How does a blonde try to kill a fish?
A. She drowns it.

Q. How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A. Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.

Q. What did the blonde’s left leg say to her right leg?
A. Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.

Q. How does a blonde part their hair?
A. By doing the splits.

Q. What did the blondes right leg say to the left leg?
A. Nothing, they haven't met!

Q. Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A. Because that's where your supposed to wash vegetables.

Q. What's a blondes favorite nursery rhyme?
A. Humpme Dumpme.

Q. Why did the blonde like the car with a sunroof?
A. More leg-room!

Q. Why don't blondes use vibrators?
A. They chip their teeth.

Q. How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
A. Fertilized.

Q. Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A. More headroom.

Q. Why is a blonde like a doorknob?
A. Because everyone gets a turn.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A. You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.

Q. What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A. The more you bang it, the looser it gets!

Q. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A. Frosted Flakes.

Q. What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A. An airbag.

Q. How can you tell a blonde has had a bad day?
A. She has a tampon tucked under her ear and she can't find her pencil.

Q. What does the Bermuda Triangle and a blonde have in common?
A. They both swallowed a lot of semen.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A. Its difficult to open the legs on an ironing board.

Q. How did the blonde burn her nose?
A. Bobbing for chips.
 
Q. Why does a blonde insist on him wearing a condom?
A. So she can have a doggie bag for later.

Q. How would a blonde punctuate the following: "Fun fun fun worry worry worry"
A. Fun period fun period fun no period worry worry worry....

Q. What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms?
A. "Way to go team!"

Q. What do you call a blonde with a runny nose?
A. FULL.

Q. What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A. She slipped off and fell down the drain.

Q. Why did the deaf blonde sit on the newspaper?
A. So she could lip read.

Q. Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A. You get to park in the handicap zone.

Q. What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A. Pregnant.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a 747?>
A. Not everyone has been in a 747.

Q. What's the difference between butter and a blonde?
A. Butter is difficult to spread.

Q. What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A. Pull the pin and throw it back.

Q. What do you call it when a blonde dies her hair brunette?
A. Artificial intelligence.

Q. What do you call a blonde standing on her head?
A. A brunette with bad breath.

Q. What do blondes and cow poop have in common?
A. The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

Q. How does a blond turn on the light after sex?
A. She opens the car door.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A. When you smack the mosquito it stops sucking!!

Q. What does a blonde say when you ask her what the last two words of the national anthem are?
A. Play ball!

Q. What do smart blondes and UFO's have in common?
A. You always hear about them but never see them.

Q. Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
A. Cause it said concentrate.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and the Titanic?
A. They know how many went down on the Titanic.

Q. How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer?
A. The joystick is wet.

Q. Why do blondes wear underwear?
A. To keep their ankles warm.

Q. What is a brunette between two blondes?
A. An interpreter.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A. The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.

Q. Did you hear about the blonde that needed gas money?
A. She sold her car for it..

Q. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A. "Are you sure it's mine?"

Q. Why do blondes have bruised belly buttons?
A. Because they have blond boyfriends.

Q. What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
A. Their both empty from the neck up.

Q. What do you call a blonde with pig tails?
A. A blow job with handlebars.

Q. What do you call a blond with a brain?
A. A golden retriever.

Q. What do you call a blonde in the closet?
A. The 1984 hide and go seek champion.

Q. How can you tell that a blonde sent you a fax?
A. It has a stamp on it.

Q. What do you call a room full of blondes with PMS and yeast infections?
A. A wine and cheese party!

Q. How do you drown a blonde?
A. Put a scratch 'n sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.

Q. Hear about the blonde that bought an AM radio?
A. It took her a month to figure out she could play it at night too.

Q. What did the blonde say when she saw the banana peel on the floor?
A. Oh no, I'm going to fall again!

A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire

Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.

The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?

Is it........

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush

Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."

"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...

No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.

Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."

(ringing)

Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."

Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.

The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.

There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."

Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush"

Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."

Barbara: "You think?"

Maggie: "I'm sure."

Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)

Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."

Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

(clapping)

That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."

Confucius

·        Man who keep feet firmly on the ground have trouble putting on pants.

·        If you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient.

·        Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.

·        He who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.

·        Boy who go to sleep with stiff problem wake up with solution in hand.

·        Couple on seven-day honeymoon make whole week.

·        Girl who sit on jockey's lap get hot tip.

·        Girl who sit on judge's lap get honorable discharge.

·        Girl who go camping must beware of evil intent.

·        Man who stand on street corner with hands in pockets, not feeling crazy -- feeling nuts.

·        Squirrel who run up woman's leg not find nuts.

·        He who run behind bus get exhausted.

·        Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.

·        He who fish in other's hole often catch crabs. 

·        "Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time." 

·        "Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam." 

·        "Virgin like balloon . . . one prick, all gone."

·        "Baseball wrong . . . man with four balls cannot walk!" 

·        "Work to become, not to acquire." 

·        "Baby conceived in automatic car shiftless bastard." 

·        "A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose." 

·        "Find old man in dark, not hard!" 

·        "Ok for shit to happen . . . will decompose." 

·        "Man who put head on Rail Road track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache." 

·        "Sailor who gets discharged from navy leave buddies behind."

·        "Secretary becomes permanent fixture when screwed on desk." 

·        "Don't drink and park, accidents cause people."

·        "He who crosses the ocean twice without washing is a dirty doublecrosser." 

·        "Man who tell one to many light bulb jokes soon burn out!" 

·        "It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it." 

·        "Never raise hands to angry child, it leave groin exposed." 

·        "Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot is unsanitary." 

·        "Man who eat many prunes, sit on toilet many moons." 

·        "Those who quote me are fools." 

·        "Man who drive like hell bound to get there!" 

·        "Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants!" 

·        "Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!" 

·        "Man who sit on tack get point!" 

·        "Man who runs behind car gets exhausted!" 

·        "Man who jump off cliff jump to conclusion!" 

·        "War not determine who's right, war determines who's left." 

·        "Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets titbit"

·        "Man who lay woman on ground, get piece on earth." 

·        "Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag." 

·        "Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face." 

·        "Passionate kiss like spider web -- lead to undoing of fly." 

·        "Man with holes in pants pockets, feels cocky all day." 

·        "Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night" 

·        "Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing." 

·        "Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok" 

·        "Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time." 

·        "Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent

 

Actual letters to the council

 

1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt out my knob off

2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

3. Their 18 year old son is continuously banging his balls against my fence

4. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the roof of the outside toilet and I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off

5. The lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

6. I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from
the wall

7. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant

8. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen

9. Can you please tell me when the repairs will be done as my wife is about to become expectant mother

10. I am still having trouble with smoke in my built-in drawers

11. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared

12. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is funny colour and not fit to drink

13. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now its in three pieces

14. Would you please send a man to repair my sprout. I am an old pensioner and need it straight away

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's getting too much

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so will you please send someone around to do something about it

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would be pleased if you do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night

19. Please send a man with clean tools to finish the job and
satisfy my wife

20. I have had the Clerk of the Works down on the floor six times, but still have no satisfaction

21. We are getting married in September and would like it in the  garden before we move into the house

22. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2.

Laws of Human Nature

·        "The Law of Avoiding Oversell" When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse. 

·        "The Law of Common Sense" Never accept a drink from a urologist. 

·        "The Law of Reality" Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose. 

·        "The Law of Motivation" Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster. 

·        "Boob's Law" You always find something in the last place you look. 

·        "Law of Impossibility" Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. 

·        "Law of Probable Dispersal" Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. 

·        "Law of Volunteer Labor" People are always available for work in the past tense. 

·        "Iron Law of Distribution" Them that has, gets. 

·        "Law of Cybernetic Entomology" There is always one more bug. 

·        "Law of Drunkenness" You can't fall off the floor, but you can hold on to the grass and try not to fall of the edge of the world.

Welcome aboard Funny Airlines...

 Yep, they are now flying....... 

Somehow I always manage to sit next to this person

Did you say free refills?

 

Words fail me !!

Why?

• Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
• Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
• Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
• Why don't we ever see this headline:
  Psychic Wins Lottery ?
• Why is the man who invests all your money called a 'Broker'?
• Why isn't there mouse flavoured cat food?
• Who tastes dog food when it has a 'new & improved' flavour?
• Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
• Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
• Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
• Why do they call the airport 'the terminal' if flying is so safe?

Funny Thoughts

• If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
• If people from Poland are called 'Poles', why aren't people from Holland called 'Holes?'
• Why do we say something is out of whack?  What is a whack, anyway?
• Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
• If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
• Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs?  Shouldn't they be wearing nightgowns?
• If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
• When someone asks you, 'A penny for your thoughts, 'and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
• When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
• Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
• Why are a wise man and wise guy opposites?
• Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
• If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
• Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
• 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.  Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?  Think about it.
• If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
• Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as  '4's'?
• Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
• Why do they display pictures of criminals in the Post Office?  What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail ?