60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.

2. Ahh, it's cute.

3. Who circumcised you?

4. Why don't we just cuddle?

5. You know they have surgery to fix that.

6. It's more fun to look at.

7. Make it dance.

8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.

9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?

10. It looks like a night crawler.

11. Wow, and your feet are so big.

12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.

13. It's ok, we'll work around it.

14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?

15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.

16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?

17. Oh no, a flash headache.

18. (giggle and point)

19. Can I be honest with you?

20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.

21. Let me go get my tweezers.

22. How sweet, you brought incense.

23. This explains your car.

24. You must be a growing boy.

25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.

26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.

27. Are you one of those pygmies?

28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?

29. Every heard of clearasil?

30. All right, a treasure hunt!

31. I didn't know they came that small.

32. Why is God punishing you?

33. At least this won't take long.

34. I never saw one like that before.

35. What do you call this?

36. But it still works, right?

37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.

38. It looks so unused.

39. Do you take steroids?

40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.

41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.

42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?

43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.

44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?

45. Aww, it's hiding.

46. Are you cold?

47. If you get me real drunk first.

48. Is that an optical illusion?

49. What is that?

50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.

51. Were you neutered?

52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.

53. Does it come with an air pump?

54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.

55. Where are the puppet strings?

56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.

57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.

58. Never mind, why bother.

59. Is that a second belly button?

60. Where's the rest of it?

AGE DRINK...

17 beer
25 beer
35 vodka
48 double vodka
66 Maalox

SEDUCTION LINE
17 My parents are away for the weekend.
25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48 My wife is away for the weekend.
66 My second wife is dead.

FAVORITE SPORT
17 sex
25 sex
35 sex
48 sex
66 napping

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "tongue"
25 "breakfast"
35 "She didn't set back my therapy."
48 "I didn't have to meet her kids."
66 "Got home alive."

FAVORITE FANTASY
17 getting to third
25 airplane sex
35 menage a trois
48 taking the company public
66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave

HOUSE PET
17 roaches
25 stoned-out college roommate
35 Irish setter
48 children from his first marriage
66 Barbi

WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 25
25 35
35 48
48 66
66 17

IDEAL DATE
17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25 "Split the check before we go back to my place"
35 "Just come over."
48 "Just come over and cook."
66 sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.

If Men TRULY Ruled The World!

Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the behind and a "Nice hustle, you'll get'em next time" would pretty much do it. 

Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years. 

On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too. 

St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.

Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history!

The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle".

Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".

Tanks would be far easier to rent.

Two words..."Ally McNaked".

Birth control would come in ale or lager.

Garbage would take itself out.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one, That's $10.00 off". 

People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.

Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation. 

It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas. 

Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!". 

When your wife/girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out. 

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you".

"Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance. 

Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

Funny Play with Celebrity Names

Here are some possible married names:

If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.

If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.

If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.

If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, she'd be Ella Vader.

If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.

If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.

If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to
marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry
Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.

If Tuesday Weld married Hal March III, she'd be Tuesday March 3.

If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and
married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.

If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy
Dogg Pooh.

How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe
Alou, he'd be Boog Alou.

If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced
him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.

Nog (Related to Quark on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no
other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license.

If he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog
Nog Hughes Dare.

If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack
Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, he'd be Jack Handy Capp
Paar King.

If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married
Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody
Wood Peck Hur.

If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King
Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener
(mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

Things You Would Never Know Without the Movies

-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.

-A detective can only solve a case once he has been fired from his job. 

-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps. 

-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization. 

-It doesn't matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts

 - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked them out. 

-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage. 

-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock. 

-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite. 

-When foreigners are alone, they all prefer to speak English to each other.
-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one. 

-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside. 

-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child. 

-Every time a person turns on the television to see the news, he instantly sees what he wants and what concerns him.

 

Quotes to think about

 

"People never say "it's only a game" when they are winning"-

"Only in America. . . do banks leave both doors open and then
chain the pen to the counter

"Only in America. . . do people order large fries, double
cheeseburgers, and a diet coke."


"How do they get that deer to cross the road at the yellow
sign?"

"If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with
"quit while you're ahead?"

"The early bird gets the worm, but the the second mouse gets the
cheese."

"If Barbie is so popular, then why do you have to buy her
friends?"

"I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they
gave me the axe."

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my
body."
"Never eat more than you can lift."

"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more
specific."

ALWAYS Look on the Brighter Side of Life

·        Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

·        A day without sunshine is like, night.

·        On the other hand, you have different fingers.

·        I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

·        42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

·        99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

·        I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

·    You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, and then used  against you.

·        I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

·        Honk if you love peace and quiet.

·        Remember half the people you know are below average.

·        Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

·        Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.

·        He who laughs last thinks slowest.

·        Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

·        Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

·        The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

·        I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

·        I intend to live forever - so far so good.

·        Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

·        Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.

·        If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

·        Mind like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.

·        Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

·        The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

·        Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

·        When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.

·        If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

·        A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

·        Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

·        For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

·        Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks

·        Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

·        No one is listening until you make a mistake.

·        Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

·        The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.

·        The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

·        The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

·        To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

·        To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

·        Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

·        You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

·        Two wrongs are only the beginning.

·        The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

·        The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.

·        A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

·        Change is inevitable except from vending machines.

·        Get a new car for your spouse - it’ll be a great trade!

·        Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.

·        Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

·        If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

·        How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...