LETS SEE WHAT IS HAPPENING ON FARM

Blonde Counting Sheep

Once there was a blonde driving home from work when she saw a sheep farm. She stops and asks the farmer if she can have a sheep. The farmer says "If you can count all my sheep I'll let you have any one you want." The blonde looks around her for a moment and says, "You have 356 sheep." The farmer exclaims, "Wow -- you're exactly right. I guess blondes really aren't dumb. Now go pick yourself out a sheep."

The blonde makes her choice, picks it up, comes back to the farmer to thank him. "Oh no," he says, "you can't have that one." "Why not?" asks the blonde, "you said I could have any sheep I wanted." And the farmer says, "Ma'am, that's my dog."

Chores on the Farm

A young boy comes down to breakfast one morning. His mother asks, "Have you done your chores yet?"

"No," replies the boy, "but could I have breakfast first?"
"You know the rules, go outside and clean the chicken coop, milk the cow and feed the pigs."
The boy goes down to the chicken coop and lazily cleans it. When he is finished he he kicks a chicken. Next, we walks to the barn and takes out the old milking cow. After milking her thoroughly, he kicks her. Then the boy gets the food and feeds the pigs. Once he is done he kicks a pig.
Finally, the boy runs back to his house, very hungry. His mother gives him a plate with nothing on it but an apple. Disappointed, the boy says, "Where's my eggs, my milk and my sausage?"
"Well," says his mother, "I saw you kick a chicken, so now you don't get eggs. I saw you kick the cow, so now you don't get milk. I saw you kick the pig, so now you don't get any sausage."
Just then, the boy's father walks in and kicks the cat. The boy says to his mother, "Should I tell him now, or do you want to?"

Cock O' The Walk

A farmer rears 25 young hens and one old cock. As the old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer buys one young cock from the market and puts it in the pen with the old cock and the hens...

Old Cock: Welcome to the farm. We'll work together towards productivity. Young Cock: What tya mean? As far as I know, you are old and should be retired.
Old Cock: Young boy, there are 25 hens here, can't I help you with some?
Young Cock: No! Not even one, all of them will be mine.
Old Cock: In this case, I challenge you to a competition and, if I win, you let me have one hen. If I lose you have them all.
Young Cock: Okay. What kind of competition?
Old Cock: 50-yard dash. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 yards. Young Cock: No problem! We race tomorrow morning.
Confidently, the following morning, the Young Cock allows the Old Cock to start off and when the Old Cock crosses the 10-yard mark, the young cock chases him with all his might. He was right behind the old cock in a matter of seconds and -- BANG! Before he can overtake the old cock, he is shot dead by the farmer, who sighs and says, "Damn. That's the fifth gay chicken I bought this week."

Farm Fugitives

A Welshman an Englishman and a Irishman were being chased by Farmer Giles with a shotgun. After 10 minutes of running they spotted a barn and ran inside.

Once inside they each hid in a old sack against the barn wall. The farmer went into the barn but did not see where they went, he was about to turn back when he saw three suspicious looking sacks. He walked forward and prodded the first sack with his gun. The Englishman inside said...''Meow''.
"Just cats," he thought.
He then prodded the second sack. The Welshman, hearing how the Englishman got off said....''woof''.
"Just dogs," he thought.
As he walked towards the last sack, the Irishman worked out what he was going to say. As soon as the farmer prodded his sack he said.....''potatoes!''

Farmer and the Cow

A farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all depressed.

His friend asked him why he was looking depressed and he replied, "Some things you just can't explain. This morning I was outside milking. As soon as the bucket was fill the cow kicked it down with his left foot so I tied up his left to a pole.
I began to fill up the bucket again and he kicked it down with his right foot, so I tied his right to a pole too.
As soon as I finished milkin'' him again he knocked down the bucket with his with his tail and I took off my belt and tied up his tail with my belt.
As I was tying up his tail, my pants dropped down, then my wife came out and well, trust me, some things you just can't explain!

Pa Won't Like It

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."
"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"
"Under the wagon."

Rooster in His Declining Years

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt. So he buys a new cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried about being replaced. He walks up to the new bird.

"So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself."
Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy.
"You're on," he said, "and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy!"
So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead.
After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little -- but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella. By now the farmer has heard the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the henhouse, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.
"Damn. That's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."

Roy the Rooster

This farmer has 500 hens but no rooster so he goes to his neighbor and asks him if he could buy a rooster for $100.

The neighbor says, "You can have this rooster. His name's Roy. He'll get all your hens pregnant. He's a real stud."
So the farmer takes him home and says, "It's your first day so take it slow, okay?"
The farmer puts Roy in the hen house and then hears all the hens crying and yelling. Roy nailed every one of those hens and then nailed a duck and a goose at a pond.
The next morning the farmer finds Roy lying dead with his legs sticking in the air and buzzards circling overhead.
The farmer says, "Roy, did you have to die?"
Roy says, "Quiet! They're about to land!"

Rush Limbaugh's Chauffeur

Rush Limbaugh and his chauffeur were out driving in the country and accidentally hit and killed a pig that had wandered out on a country road.

Limbaugh told the chauffeur to drive up to the farm and apologize to the farmer.
They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the front door and was let in. He was in there for what seemed hours. When he came out, Limbaugh was confused about why his employee had been there so long.
"Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses," explained the driver.
"What did you tell the farmer?" Limbaugh asked.
The chauffeur replied, "I told him that I was Rush Limbaugh's driver and I'd just killed the pig."

Salesman: A New One, Really

A travelling salesman's car breaks down in the middle of nowhere. He gets out and tries to find something close by -- and comes upon a farm. Not believing his luck, he knocks on the door, and a farmer answers.

"Sir," says the salesman. "Could you help me? My car's broken down, and I need a place to stay for the night."
"Sure," says the farmer. "But I only have one bed, and my very, very ugly daughter sleeps there."
"Oh, crap," says the salesman. "I'm in the wrong joke."

Shoot The Pig

A farmhand is driving 'round the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in thebull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling — what should I do?''

"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush."
The farm worker agrees and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."
"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.
"The blue light on his bike is still flashing!"

Some Things You Just CAN'T

One day, a farmer walked into a bar and asked the bartender for the strongest thing in the bar.

"What's wrong, fella?" asked the bartender.
''Some things you just can't explain."
''Try me.''
"Okay. I was milking my cow this morning and I filled the bucket clear to the top. Then the dumb cow knocked it down with her left leg, so I grabbed some string and ties her left leg up. Then I milked her again and the stupid cow knocked it down with her right leg. So I grabbed some string and tied up her right leg. I then milked her again and the cow knocked it down with her tail. But this time I was out of string, so I decided to use my belt, so I tied it up with my belt. Just then my pants fell down and my wife walked in.''
"You're right," said the bartender. "Some things you just can't explain."

Strangers on a Train

A scientist gets on a train to go to New York. His cabin also has a poor farmer in it. To pass the time the scientist decides to play a game with the guy.
"I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong, you have to pay me 1 dollar. Then you ask me a question, and if I get it wrong, you get 10 dollars. You ask me a question first." The farmer thinks for a while.
"I know. What has three legs, takes 10 hours to climb up a palm tree, and 10 seconds to get back down?" The scientist is confused and thinks long and hard about the question. Finally, the train ride is coming to an end. As it pulls into the station, the scientist takes out 10 dollars and gives it to the farmer.
"I don't know. What has 3 legs, takes 10 hours to get up a palm tree and 10 seconds to get back down?" The farmer takes the 10 dollars and puts it into his pocket. He then takes out 1 dollar and hands it to the scientist.
"I don't know."

MORE FAMILY JOKES DON’T YOU LOVE THEM

A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will:
'To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave her the house and $2 million.'
The lawyer continued, 'To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business and $1 million.'
The lawyer concluded, 'And, to my cousin Cowboy, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will. Well you are wrong. Hi Cowboy!'

Genuine advert. in New York Newspaper

Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannia. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed.
Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything by now.

A wife woke up in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house, and heard sobbing from the basement.
After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found her husband curled up into a little ball, sobbing.
"Honey, what's wrong?" she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much.
"Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant? And your father threatened me to marry you or to go to jail?"
"Yes, of course," she replied.
"Well, I would have been released tonight."

Any married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

Deer hunter and father of 3 sons, was anxious to share his latest kill with his family for Sunday dinner. He didn't want his sons to refuse tasting the delicious venison, so he sat the boys down to dinner without telling them what the meat was they were about to eat.
"Oh come on Dad," said the oldest son. "What is this meat?"
"Just taste it," said the father, "You will love it."
The boys eyed each other nervously and put a piece of the meat on their forks.
"Give us a little hint,", pleaded the second son.
"Only if you take a bite," said the father. As each boy took a cautious bite of the venison, the father continued, "Let me think, your mother calls me this from time to time."
The oldest boy shouted, "Spit it out boys, it's stupid one!"

Wife comes out of a beauty salon and asks husband:
"So, how do I look?"
"Well, at least you tried..."

A husband and wife are eating soup. the wife spills soup all over her and says:
"Oh no, I look like a pig"
"Yes and you also have soup all over you!"

A man and his wife were traveling down the highway when they saw the lights of a patrol car behind them.
When they pulled over, the patrol man came up to the window and said, "I am going to give you two tickets. One because you were speeding and one because you didn't have your seat belt fastened."
The man said, "I did too have my seat belt fastened. I just loosened it when you came up to the car.
The Patrol Man said to the man's wife, "I know he didn't have his seat belt fastened.
Isn't that right, lady?" She replied,
"Well, officer. I learned a long time ago not to argue with my husband when he's drunk."

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in most countries, son.

Two friends were having a discussion about their relatives....
"I'll never amount to anything in life..," said the one friend. "In fact, my uncle is the town drunk.."
"Well...that's not too bad," replied the other, trying to console his friend. "Where does your uncle live..?"
"New York City..."

A traveling salesman rings this doorbell. 10 year old little Johnny opens, holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar.
The salesman says, "Little boy is your mother home?"
Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, "What do you think?"

Son - "Dad whats the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad - "Hmm. You are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."

Husband: everytime I hit you, you never fight back. how do you manage your anger?
Wife: I clean the toilet seat.............
Husband: How does it help?
Wife: I use your toothbrush!!!!

- Mum,can I dress a bra?
- No.
- Why not.I am 14 years old!
- How many times I will say you "no", Michael...

Will was trying to to teach his son the evils of alcohol.
He put a worm in a glass of water & another in a glass of whiskey.
The worm in the water lived while the one in the whiskey curled up & died.
"All right, son," Said Will, "what does that show you?"
"Well dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol you will not have worms."

A man and woman doing staff in bed after midnight. At one point they hear a car noise and a strong brake.
Woman : Take your staff and run on the window. I think that`s my husband.
The man panics, jumps out of bad , takes his clothes from all over the place, and jumps on the window.
After a while the same guy with his clothes knocks at the door :

Hey wife, I think we are a little bit stressed.

A women has three daughters, one came up to her and asked, "Mommy, why did you name me Rose?"
The mother answered, "Because when you were born a rose petal fell on your head."
Another daughter came up and asked, "Mommy, why did you name me Daisy?"
The mother answered, "Because when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head."
The last daughter came up, "Gahhhhhh!"
"Shut up Fridge!"

Boy: Mommy can i go swimming?
Mommy: No because there are sharks in the water.
Boy: But daddy is swimming.
Mommy: Yeah,but daddy has insurance.

A child was continually asking his Mom to buy him a hamster.
When she did, the child looked after it for a couple of days, but soon he got bored, and it became the Mom's responsibility to feed it.
One day she got upset with the her son's carelessness and asked him, "How many times do you think this hamster would have died until now, if I wasn't looking after it?"
The child replied, "Um, I don't know. Once?"

HUSBAND: Shall we try a different position tonight?
WIFE: That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board, while I sit on the sofa and fart.

A man finds a genie lamp.
He rubs the lamp and a genie comes out and says "I may grant you 3 wishes, but your wife gets double."
The man wishes for a new car. The genie gives him a new car and the man's wife 2 new cars.
The man then wishes for a new house. The genie gives him a new house and the man's wife 2 new houses.
The man then says, "For my final wish, I wish to be beaten to half-death."

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled, "The Meaning of Dreams."

John is paying a visit to his Italian neighbor in the hospital, who just had a very serious traffic accident. He doesn't look like very much: in plaster, completely wrapped in a bandage, tons of hoses and infusions. he looks like a mummy. John tries to have a conversation, but his neighbor has his eyes closed and isn't responding. Suddenly his eyes jump wide open and he starts to gurgle and during his last gasp for air he says:
"Mi stai bloccando il d'tubicino ossigeno, Pezzo di merda ...."
John inscribes the words in his heart.
At the funeral John tells the black-clad widow that her husband had something to say.
'And, she asks with tearful eyes,"was it that he loved me? "
"I do not know," said the man, "but it sounded like Mi stai bloccando il d'tubicino ossigeno, pezzo di merda ...."
The widow screams and faints.
"What?" John ask startled to the daughter, "what did he say, what does that mean?" And the crying daughter says:
"You are standing on my oxygen hose, you git."

A man went with his wife on honeymoon and they were getting undressed together for the first time.
The man took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discolored.
"What happened to your feet?" his wife asked.
"I had a childhood disease called Tolio."
"Don't you mean polio?"
"No, tolio, it only affects the toes."
Men then removed his pants and revealed an awful-looking pair of knees.
"What happened to your knees?" she asked.
"Well, I also had Kneesles."
"Don't you mean measles?"
"No, kneesles, it only affects the knees."
When he removed his shorts, his wife gasped and said, "Don't tell me, you also had Smallcox!"

A man had six children and was very proud of his achievement.
He was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife, 'Mother of Six', in spite of her objections.
One night they went to a party. He decided that it was time to go home, and wanted to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouted at the top of his voice,"Shall we go home, Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouted back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

A newlywed couple moves into their new house.
One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"
A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?"
Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?"
The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car.
He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?

A plethora of cute and short jokes for you

Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig. 

I read a book on helium once. I couldn't put it down!

A chemist walks into a pharmacy and says, "Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?" The pharmacist asks, "You mean aspirin?" "That's it, I can never remember the word."

"Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he's invisible." The doctor says, "Tell him I can't see him!"

There are only two things that are certain in this life - Death and Taxes. Unless you are wealthy - then there are Monaco and Cryogenics. 

There was a girl I dated in high school whose name was Becky, but everyone called her "Lincoln" because all the guys took a shot at her in the balcony.

A cheetah and a lion are racing. The cheetah wins. But the lion says to the cheetah, "You're a cheetah!". The cheetah says, "Nah, you lion!" 

Why isn't palindrome spelled the same way backwards?

If a man doesn't have any fingers, can he be counted on?

A man accidentally cut off all of his fingers with a saw. The doctor said, "Thank goodness for microsurgery. Give me the fingers, and I'll sew them back on!" The man said, "I couldn't pick them up!"

I'm a pessimistic optimist. I expect the worst - that way things can only get better.

I'm right 98% of the time. Who cares about the other 3%? 

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. 

Ninety two percent of cross-eyed teachers have difficulty controlling their pupils. 

I tried to build a dog house, but I only had enough dogs to build 3 walls.

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

I got tired of treasure hunting, so I sat down on a big chest on top of a giant "X".

How many weeks are there in a light year?

A policeman pulled me over and said, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" I said, "You should really ask a psychic!"

Light travels faster than sound, that's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

A tree's favorite drink is root beer.

How does a bass player make his car go faster? He takes the Domino's Pizza sign off the top. 

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

The things that come to those who wait are actually the things that were left by those who got there first! 

Can bald people get a hairline fracture?

Mistakes are made from time to time. Without them, some of us would have never been born!

If you get mono twice, isn't that stereo?

What did the horse say when he fell? "Help, I've fallen and I can't giddyup!"

"Doctor, I have a memory problem!" The doctor says, "When did it start?" "When did what start?"

My frosted flakes melted in the summer. 

I slept through the alarm this morning. Good thing it was only a small fire.

A cheetah clone was found slain at the city zoo. Police suspect a copycat killer.

When I was a kid, I was so poor we would go to KFC and lick other people's fingers. 

I know what people are thinking as soon as I tell them that I'm psychic. 

I got a jump rope, but it's just a rope. Turns out you have to do the jumping part. 

If we ever figure out how to preserve people, we'll really be in a jam.

The Wheel: Man's greatest invention until he got behind it.

Doctor: "I have good news and bad news." Patient: "What's the good news?" Doctor: "You have 24 hours to live." Patient: "What's the bad news?" Doctor: "I should have called you yesterday!"

If you're on a cruise, you're with newlyweds, over-feds and nearly deads!

How many men does it take to open a beer? None, it should be open when she brings it to you.

What did Kenny G say when he got into the elevator? Wow, this place rocks! 

Patient: "Doc, you have to help me. Some days I think I'm Mickey Mouse, some days I think I'm Donald Duck" Doctor: "How long have you had these Disney spells?"

If siamese twins get mono, is it called stereo? 

I'm a big sports fan. I keep the athletes cool while they're playing.

Did you hear about the two maggots making love in dead Earnest? 

Are crop circles the work of a cereal killer?

Tony the Tiger was arrested for being a cereal killer. 

Another way to say "water" is H2O. It sounds fancy, but it's just h, i, j, k, l, m, n and o.

If vampires have no reflection, how do they have such neat hair?

I have three beautiful children. I have four children, but only three are beautiful. 

My friend is dieting. He says weight gain is due to water retention. My weight gain is due to ice cream retention.

Donald Rumsfeld briefed President Bush this morning. He told Bush that three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today. The color ran from Bush's face, and he was visibly shaken. Bush composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"

Poland's worst air disaster occurred today when a small two-seat Cessna crashed into a cemetery. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to increase as digging continues into the night.

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in laboratory rats. 

How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't, there is a clock on the oven. 

"Doctor, I think I'm a bell." The doctor says, "Take these pills, if they don't work, give me a ring."

Two fish are in a tank. One says the other, "How do you drive this thing?"

My car's brakes aren't working, so I bought an anchor.

A cemetery raised its costs, but blamed it on the cost of living.

I watch the Westminister Dog Show for the commercials.

I saw a homeless person getting off a bus, and I thought, "How does he know which stop is his?"

I'm determined to only have three kids because I have heard that one out of every four kids born in the world is Chinese.

The last thing I need to worry about is my anxiety disorder. 

A man was examined at a hospital and was awaiting the results. The doctor comes in and says, "I have bad news. You're going to die in 10." The panic-striken man says, "10 what? Years? Months? Weeks?" The doctor says, "9 - 8 - 7 - 6...."

I may look stupid, but it's hereditary.

My new workout plan is working! I'm benching 310 now. Or maybe 3:15 - whenever the weights are free.

"Did your deaf aunt make it to her hearing?" "No, she was impaired!"

Last time my wife gave me a foot massage, my back ended up smelling funny.

I woke up this morning and felt so bad that I tried to kill myself by taking 1,000 aspirin. After the first two, I felt better!

Are children who act in R-rated movies allowed to see them?

Police recently arrested a man who was selling pills that would give you eternal youth. Police discovered that it was the fourth time this man was arrested. The earlier arrests were made in 1799, 1852 and 1921.

I thought a thought, but the thought I thought wasn't the thought I thought I thought.

I'm not saying that Charlie Sheen's rehab isn't going well, but CBS just renamed the show "Two and a Half Kilos". 

How do they get the "Keep off the grass" sign on the grass?

Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver.

When French people swear, do they say "Pardon my English"? 

"Doctor, I think I'm a deck of cards!" The doctor says, "Sit in the waiting room, I'll deal with you later."

I ran five miles today. Finally, I had to say, "OK Lady, here's your purse back." 

A buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and asks, "Make me one with everything!"

Overweight is something that just snacks up on you.
Doctor to patient: "I'd tell you what your condition is, but I'm not sure how to pronounce it!"

If the grass is greener on the other side - water your grass!

When someone hits you in the face, turn the other cheek. That way the swelling is even!

I went to a ballet once. I couldn't even tell who won.

There are 3 essential tools: duct tape, WD40 and a hammer. If something is moving and it shouldn't be, duct tape it. If it isn't moving and it should be, use WD40. If it still doesn't move, hit it with a hammer. If it breaks, tape it back together with the duct tape.

Patient: "Doctor, something is wrong! I'm shrinking!" Doctor: "Now, now - you'll have to be a little patient!"

I went to Wal-Mart to get a wall, but they were all out.

A little boy examines his privates while in the bath. "Mommy, are these my brains?" His mother says, "Not yet."

Saturn is the richest planet, you can tell by all the rings.

I joined a secret club; the guy at the door asked me, "What's the password?" I told him, "Aren't you supposed to know that?" 

How can you tell which bottle has the PMS medicine? It's the one with the teeth marks.

Life begins when you're born, and ends with an E.

I had to catch a train, so I got a really big mitt. 

I have a Master's Degree in Engineering. I told the owner I'll return in in two days.

Willie Nelson got hit by a car yesterday. He was playing "On the Road Again".

Two buckets of vomit were walking down the street. One says to the other, "That's where I was brought up!"

How do you get Keith Richards out of a tree? Ask him for his autograph.

How do you find an Irish pirate? He's the one with patches over both eyes.

A woman discovers an intruder in the kitchen eating the leftover steak and kidney pie. The husband asks, "Should I call the police or an ambulance?"

Did you hear about the doctor who fell into a well? He learned to tend to the sick, and leave the well alone!

What does Snoop Dogg use to color his hair? Ble-Otch.

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo' drizzle. 

A man waited two months to have an appointment with his doctor. The doctor says, "I wish you had seen me sooner!"

Have you heard that priests can kiss the nuns now? It's okay as long as they don't get in the habit.

What sound does a cat make when it's on fire? Whooosh! 

What's big, gray and can't climb trees? A parking lot.

Did you hear about the man who fell into the reupholstery machine? He's fully recovered now.

I sat in line at the drive through window. The plump employee opens the window and says, "Sorry about the weight!"

My wife and I were told we couldn't have children - by our landlord.

To work at Starbucks, should you have graduated Magna Cum Latte?

If at first you DO succeed, try not to look too astonished.

Man: "Doctor, I think I'm a dog." Psychiatrist: "Mmmm. Interesting. Please lie down on the couch." Man: "I'm not allowed on the couch!"

I videotape my children a lot - because I think they're stealing from us.

Never moon a werewolf.

You really have to hand it to blind prostitutes!

Why can't a pony sing? Because it's a little horse. 

What do you get when you bake beans and onions together? Tear gas.

A blind man was calling an end to his relationship with his girlfriend. "I'm sorry, I can't see you anymore."

Can cross-eyed teachers control their pupils? 

What goes around a button? A billy goat.

Is Visine.com a site for sore eyes? 

I've told you a million times not to exaggerate!

One time when my son was 3 years old, I took him shopping. When we got home, he had a candy bar in his pocket. I didn't buy it, and he certainly didn't buy it, so we marched back to the mall - and we went to the jewelry store.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

In high school, my school team was the "Fighting Indians". The mascot would dance around before each game. All of our games were rained out.

Don't go knocking on heaven's door. Ring the doorbell and run, he hates that! 

How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

I love kids! Let's exchange recipes.

In high school, I was in the French club. All we would do is occasionally surrender to the German club.

A cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

When I was younger, I used to play doctor with this girl in my neighborhood. We got caught, but I'm lucky it was on a Wednesday. We were just playing golf.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

Are board games supposed to make you bored? 

If you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

The things that come to those who wait are the things left by those who got there first.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.

The way to a man's heart is to saw his breastplate open.

Why shouldn't you play poker in the savannah? There might be a cheetah.

I'm wondering if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?

Duct tape is like "the force". It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.

I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.

To err is human, to moo bovine.

You can say anything foolish to a dog and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God! You're right! I would have never thought of that!"

Good guys are like public bathrooms, either full of crap or taken.

I don't like to fly Virgin Airlines, because they don't go all the way.

BUSSINES ADVICES

Never bet on a loser because you think his luck is about to change.

Never buy from a rich salesman.

Never do anything you wouldn't be caught dead doing.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

Never eat prunes when you are famished.

Never get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river.

Never invest in anything that eats.

Never leave hold of what you've got until you've got hold of something else.

Never needlessly disturb a thing at rest.

Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.

Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

Never put all your eggs in your pocket.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a law against it by that time.

Never say "oops" after you have submitted a job.

Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

Never tell them what you wouldn't do.

Never try to pacify someone at the height of his rage.

Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.

Never volunteer for anything.

Never wrestle a pig; you both get dirty, and he likes it.

Nice guys finish last but it is lonely at the top.

No experiment is ever a complete failure; it can always be used as a bad example.

No good deed goes unpunished.

No man is lonely while eating spaghetti.

No man's credit is as good as his money.

No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough.

No matter what happens, there is always somebody who knew that it would.

No matter which direction you start, it's always against the wind coming back.

No matter which way you go, it's always uphill and against the wind.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.

No real problem has a solution.

No two identical parts are exactly alike.

Nobody notices the big errors.

Nobody notices when things go right.

Nobody wants to read anyone else's formulas.

Nobody told me.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.

Nothing can be done in one trip.

Nothing ever comes out as planned.

Nothing is as easy as it looks.

Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.

Nothing is as permanent as that which is called temporary.

Nothing is as temporary as that which is called permanent.

Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.

Nothing is ever as simple as it seems.

Nothing is impossible for the man who does not have to do it himself.

Nothing matters very much, and very few things matter at all.

Nothing puzzles me more than time and space; and yet nothing troubles me less.

Of all forces acting on man, change is the most beneficial and the most cruel.

Of two possible events, only the undesired one will occur.

Office Of Precision Guesswork

Old age and treachery shall overcome youth and skill.

thoughts of animals

Why?

• Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
• Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
• Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
• Why don't we ever see this headline:
  Psychic Wins Lottery ?
• Why is the man who invests all your money called a 'Broker'?
• Why isn't there mouse flavoured cat food?
• Who tastes dog food when it has a 'new & improved' flavour?
• Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
• Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
• Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
• Why do they call the airport 'the terminal' if flying is so safe?

Funny Thoughts

• If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
• If people from Poland are called 'Poles', why aren't people from Holland called 'Holes?'
• Why do we say something is out of whack?  What is a whack, anyway?
• Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
• If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
• Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs?  Shouldn't they be wearing nightgowns?
• If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
• When someone asks you, 'A penny for your thoughts, 'and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
• When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
• Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
• Why are a wise man and wise guy opposites?
• Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
• If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
• Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
• 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.  Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?  Think about it.
• If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
• Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as  '4's'?
• Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
• Why do they display pictures of criminals in the Post Office?  What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail ?

For a smile today

Smiles and laughter are the best way to start (or end) every day. So, no matter when you  get the chance to open this, I hope you laugh, ---  

 If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
       (Hardly seems worth it.)
  If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
      (Now that's more like it!)
  The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
     (O.M.G.!)
  A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
     (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its  head  before it starves to death.   (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
  Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Don't try this at home ; maybe at work.)
  The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home . What the...?)
  The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
  (30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
  The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
  Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity.)
  Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
  The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
            (Hmmmmmm.......)
  Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
  Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)

 
  A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)
  An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
  Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
          (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
  Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)

  Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to, maybe even a chuckle.