Stuff Men Need to Know about Women

Not a complete list, obviously.

The reason why our bras don't always match our underwear is because we actually change our underwear.

The next time you and your buddies make jokes about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet rim.

If we're watching football with you - it's not bonding - it's their butts.

Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie.

Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.

Please don't drive when you're not driving.

If you were really looking for an honest answer, you wouldn't ask in bed.

The next time you make jokes about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubber-necking mini-skirts.

If only women gossip, how do you and your friends keep track of "who's easy"?

Stop telling us most male strippers are gay: we don't care.

When you're not around, I belch loudly, too.

We don't mind if you look in the mirror to check your appearance - in fact, please do!

When you're out with us, please wear "our" favorite outfit rather than "yours" - the torn jeans and dirty T-Shirt will last longer that way.

If you must grunt in reply, please develop a system to indicate a positive vs. a negative grunt.

Don't insist that we "get off the stupid phone" and then not talk to us.

Eye contact is best established above our shoulder-level.

Cleaning the house is not necessarily "women's work"; besides, most of the "dirt" and clutter is yours anyway.

Yes, we know most of the great chefs are men, why is it then you never want to cook?

We go to the Ladies Room in groups to talk about you.

Yes, we know you can probably beat us arm wrestling. However, very few raises or promotions were gained by arm wrestling the boss.

Stuff Women Need to Know about Men

Not a complete list, obviously.

If you’re cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include something from each of the four major male food groups: Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red.

When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking. Unless the answer is yes. In which case, can he videotape it?

Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny. Seriously.

Don’t make him hold your purse in the mall. It does something to our manhood.

Shopping is not fascinating. Ever.

It is only common courtesy to leave the toilet seat up when you’re done.

If you really want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes.

The man is always in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill.

Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny.

Don’t hog the covers. Really.

If he has to sit through “Legends of the Fall”, you have to sit through “Showgirls”.

“Fine.” is not an acceptible way to end an argument.

Money does not equate love. Not even in Nevada.

If you truly want honesty, don’t ask questions you don’t really want the answer to.

Of course he wants another beer.

The guy doesn’t always have to sleep on the wet spot.

Dogs good. Cats bad.

He does not want to be just friends.

Do not question a man’s innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions.

He was not looking at that other girl. Well, okay, maybe a little. Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you never looked at another guy.

He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met. And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones.

Your butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look fine. As a matter of fact, it/they look damn good. Stop asking.

If you want a satisfying sex life, you will never fake an orgasm. Ever.

Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men are cretins deserving your contempt.

It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with him.

Remember: that Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in the shower.

Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (ie: microwaving a burrito, fixing spaghetti, etc.) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time.

Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.

He heard you the first time. Honest.

You know, you can ask him out too. Let’s spread the rejection around a little.

Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine, Looks fine/smells bad, Looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this manner.

Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is better looking than him. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these people, love the one you’re with.

Of course size matters, and boy does he has the grandaddy of them all.

His bald spot/beer gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute.

Watching football is a major turn-on for him. But please wait until the halftime show to act upon that.

Female Definitions

What these words mean (from a female perspective)

Argument - A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Airhead - What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Barbecue - You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but he "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes - Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe - Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer - An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda - A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity - The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise - To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List - What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hairdresser - Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware Store - Similar to a black hole in space. If he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth - You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus...breathe...push..."

Lipstick - On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear.

Park - Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience - The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

Waterproof Mascara - Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine's Day - A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

Male Definitions

What these words mean (from a male perspecive)

 

Alimony - Bounty after the mutiny or the cash surrender value of a husband or a system where two people make a mistake but one of them continues to pay for it or the high cost of leaving or the screwing you get for the screwing you got.

Beauty - The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband or feminine of intellect.

Bed - The place where marriages are decided.

Child - Love's by-product or one who stands halfway between an adult and the TV.

Criminal - Someone who gets caught.

Expert - One who has focused all his ignorance on to one subject or one who avoids the small errors as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy or a person who can take something you already know and make it sound confusing.

Gentleman - One who does not tell the naked truth in the presence of ladies.

Hers - His

Male - a member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex. The male of the human race is commonly known (to the female) as "Mere Man". The genus has two varieties: good providers and bad providers.

Neurotic - Anybody who thinks you mean it when you ask how he is.

Optimist - One who believes that good arises out of evil, and that there is no evil or a bridegroom who thinks he has no bad habits.

Respectability - The offspring of a liaison between a bald head and a bank account.

Sexism - Maintaining that the sexes are equal.

Sorrow - The future tense of love.

Wealth - Any income that is at least one hundred dollars more a year than the income of one's wife's sister's husband.

Elvis Taught Me Everything

Things I learned from Elvis

Taken as a whole, the songs of Elvis contain everything from handy tips about geography ("a river flows surely to the sea") to practical travel advice (the YMCA in Memphis has cheap accommodations), right through to religious instruction ("I'm lonely like Adam, you're evil like Eve"). Here are some things we've learned from listening to Elvis.

TRAVEL

The typical train is 16 carriages long.

All food in Germany consists of hasenpfeffer and black pumpernickel.

The Heartbreak Hotel is located at the end of Lonely Street and its desk clerk dresses in black.

Hula dancers are best judged by their ability to really move that grass around.

A harem in the Middle East contains 20 women.

So efficient is the US postal service that it will return an unwanted letter within 24 hours of its initial posting.

There are few sounds that make you feel more lonely than that of the midnight train.

If hitchhiking, it's hard to choose a better destination than Memphis, Tennessee.


RELATIONSHIPS

When inviting a young woman to dance, you may increase your chances by noting that chicken is being served in the barn. <br
If rejected by the older sister in a family, by all means have a crack at her little sister, who may have matured more than you at first noticed.

Women named Marie are naturally duplicitous.

It's OK to date your cousin, providing she's a distant cousin "but not too distant with you".

Girls named Daisy tend to drive you crazy.

If caught without a partner during a dance at a federal penitentiary, why not try dancing with a wooden chair?

Conversation with a girlfriend can become tiresome if she fails to break up the conversation every now and then with a little action.

A .44-calibre pistol is an excellent firearm choice for a woman whose partner was doin' her wrong.


PERSONAL GROOMING

If wearing suede shoes, particularly of a light hue, one should make their protection a priority, even above that of preventing arson attacks on one's own home.


THE ANIMAL KINGDOM

There are few looks in life more intense than that of a one-eyed cat peeping in a seafood store.

A passionate kiss can be measured by the fact that even a team of wild horses would be unable to drag apart the two participants.

The embrace of a grizzly bear provides a useful point of comparison when considering the pressure necessary to demonstrate real passion during an affair.

A good hound dog should be able to catch a rabbit. </br

Taken as a whole, the songs of Elvis contain everything from handy tips about geography ("a river flows surely to the sea") to practical travel advice (the YMCA in Memphis has cheap accommodations), right through to religious instruction ("I'm lonely like Adam, you're evil like Eve"). Here are some things we've learned from listening to Elvis.


GEOGRAPHY

People are more likely to be alone during a blue moon than during any other lunar event.

In Kentucky, precipitation usually occurs when a man is hitchhiking from town to town, having been abandoned by his baby.


MEDICAL

The lips of attractive women tend to taste like breakfast spread, in particular honey.

A temperature of 109 is quite common during the early stages of an affair.

The experience of love, especially early in life, can have serious medical consequences including sensations of itching, hand tremors, leg spasms, heart palpitations and language difficulties.


HISTORY

American soldiers were unable to approach young women in Germany in the period after the war, as local women wore signs in German saying, "Keepen Sie Off The Grass."


PHILOSOPHY

Children born in disadvantaged areas such as ghettos should receive special assistance as this reduces the likelihood of them turning to a life of crime, thus perpetuating an endless cycle of disadvantage.

A rabbit's foot, while widely considered a creator of good luck, makes only a moderate contribution to one's happiness compared to the impact of finding a good life partner.

If you suspect someone is evil check their middle name because it may well be "Misery".

Things Human Beings Should Learn

If humans had an instruction manual

Wrinkles don't hurt.

Laughing is good exercise - it's like jogging on the inside.

No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is won't make you cry.

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.

Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.

To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.

Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.

Don't cry because it is over; smile because it happened.

There's always going to be people that hurt you, so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.

You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

Never ask your 3 year old brother to hold a tomato.

Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

Never hold a Dust Buster and a cat at the same time.

Don't wear polka dot underwear under white shorts.

The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.

No matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

It takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

You can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big weenie or huge boobs.

You shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

You can keep puking long after you think you're finished.

We are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

Regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

No matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.

The people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

Never, under ANY circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, HE WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV in a bad suit, with a bad hairstyle.

You should not confuse your career / job with your life.

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

Your family and true friends love you, no matter what.

Things My Mother Taught Me

She taught me a LOT!

 

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”

My mother taught me RELIGION.
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”

My mother taught me LOGIC.
“Because I said so, that’s why.”

My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”

My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
“Make sure you wear clean underwear in case you’re in an accident.”

My mother taught me IRONY.
“Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about!”

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISTS.
“Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”

My mother taught me about STAMINA.
“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”

My mother taught me about WEATHER.
“This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times, don’t exaggerate!”

My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..”

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
“Stop acting like your father!”

My mother taught me about ENVY.
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
“Just wait until we get home.”

My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
“You are going to get it when you get home!”

My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.”

My mother taught me ESP.
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”

My mother taught me HUMOR.
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”

My mother taught me GENETICS.
“You’re just like your father.”

My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
“Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”

My mother taught me WISDOM.
“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”

My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”

Know because of TV

Things You Wouldn't Know Without The Tube All Of Life's Mysteries Are On TV


If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.


If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.


All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.


All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.


It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.


Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.


The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.


You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of you sweetheart back home.


Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.


The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.


People of TV never finish their drinks.


A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.


The chief of police is always black.


When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.


If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.


Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.


During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.


Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.


Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.


Wearing a singlet or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.


A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.


If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon.


Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.


Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.


All single women have a cat.


Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.


Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.


One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.


Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.


If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying, "Hello?, Hello?"


Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.


It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.


During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.


When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.


Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.


Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.


When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.


Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste.


No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.


If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.


You can always find a chain saw whenever you're likely to need one.


Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.


Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.


Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.


All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.


It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.


Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can always buy a new one.


Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.


A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.


If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

SIGNS YOUR SWIMMING POOL NEEDS CLEANING

That green tarp covering your pool? You DON'T have a tarp on your pool.

- Neighborhood kids ask if they can jump on your trampoline.

- That guy from Sunset Boulevard is REALLY beginning to smell gamey.

- pH is so high, in vitro fertilization is possible.

- Kids still pee in your pool, but they refuse to get in it first.

- Skipping rocks across it causes sparks.

- New algae species attract a Discovery Channel film crew to your backyard.

- Jello-like water slowing the pace of water polo games to unacceptable levels.

- Luke Skywalker and Yoda appear in search of the sunken X-Wing.

- The Grim Reaper shows up in his Speedo.

- "DREDGE ME" spelled out in algae on the bottom.

- You can walk on the water, even though you're only the son of Gus.

- Dr. Kervorkian seen filling IV bottles at pool side.

- Your recently installed pool filter resembles the Marlboro Man's chest x-ray.

- You haven't seen that much scum since Mickey Rourke's last movie.

- The amount of body hair found in the drain gives even Robin Williams a run for his money.

 

An old occupation

|What happens when people of different occupations get old.

- Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.

- Old actors never die, they just drop apart.

- Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.

- Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.

- Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.

- Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.

- Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.

- Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.

- Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.

- Old cashiers never die, they just check out.

- Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.

- Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.

- Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.

- Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.

- Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.

- Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.

- Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.

- Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.

- Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.

- Old garagemen never die, they just retire.

- Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.

- Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.

- Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.

- Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.

- Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.

- Old investors never die, they just roll over.

- Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.

- Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.

- Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.

- Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.

- Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.

- Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.

- Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.

- Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor...

- Old musicians never die, they just get played out.

- Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.

- Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.

- Old owls never die, they just don't give a hoot.

- Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.

- Old perfessers never die, they just lose their class.

- Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.

- Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.

- Old policemen never die, they just cop out.

- Old preachers never die, they just ramble on, and on, and on, and on....

- Old printers never die, they're just not the type.

- Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.

- Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.

- Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.

- Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.

- Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.

- Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.

- Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.

- Old skateboarders never die, they just lose their bearings.

- Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.

- Old Soldiers never die. Young ones do.

- Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.

- Old students never die, they just get degraded.

- Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.

- Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.

- Walt Disney didn't die. He's in suspended animation.

- Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.

- Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.

DON’T FORGET TO LAUGHT !!!

Shampoo Warning 

I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!
I use shampoo in the shower!
When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and
Printed very clearly on the shampoo label is thiswarning,
"FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY."
No wonder I have been gaining weight!
Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn dish soap instead.
Its label reads,
"DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."
Problem solved!
If I don't answer the phone

I'll be in the shower!

Secret of Happy Marriage

 

•  The woman always makes the rules
• These rules are subject to change without notice
• No man can possibly know all the rules
• The woman is never wrong
• If it appears the woman is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the man did or said
• The man must apologise immediately for causing the misunderstanding
• The woman can change her mind at any time
• The man must never change his mind without the proper consent of the woman
• The man must read the mind of the woman at all times
• At all times, what is important is what the woman meant, not what she said.
• Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling a garage is not an option. I will win.
• Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, 'I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start.' We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of Holy Communion.

 

• Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.
• Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.
• Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
• Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator instead (applies to engineers only).
• Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't ... and if you are feeling amorous afterwards ... then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
• Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine.. It does not make your rear look too big. It was the pasta and potatoes and Margaritas that did that. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

• Because I'm a man, and this is after all, the year 2012, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest; like wandering around in the garden with a beer, wondering what to do.