Need a change? Here's the Spice Girls Application Form . . .

Name:
Age:
Real Age:

1. How would you describe yourself?
a. An energetic self starter
b. A team player
c. Pro-active
d. A tasty bit of crumpet

2. Do you have any vestige of talent, besides your chest or butt?

3. Would it bother you if you were the target of unrelenting hatred?

4. Are you willing to trade sexual favours for a career in the music
industry?
a. Yes
b. No

5.How many times have you been kicked out of karaoke bar?

6. Does nudity bother you? If so give three excuses for your
portfolio.

7. Explain the difficulties in identifying the source of individual
free will in light of the deterministic theories of neurochemical
medicine and modern behaviourist psychology. ...just kidding!!

6. Seriously, do you like wearing leather mini-skirts?
a. Yes
b. No

8. Are you deceptively attractive in coloured or stroboscopic light?

9. Choose an appropriate SPICE nickname:
a. Sexy
b. Nasty
c. Sweetie
d. Eezie
e. Syphilis
f. Olde

10. Choose an appropriate SPICE image:
a. Cute, blonde, appeals to paedophiles
b. Tub of lard
c. Bloke in a tracksuit
d. Vacant stare, no discernible brain activity
e. Terrifying to small children and old men
f. All of the above

11. Do you promise to make two albums and then go away forever?
a. Yes
b. No

12. Elvis Costello is________________.

a. the king of rock and roll
b. former partner to Bud Abbott
c. Ollet Socsivle backwards
d. oh, you know, this guy

13. If two trains leave Liverpool an hour apart at 90 kilometres and
75 kilometres an hour respectively, how would you look in a bikini?

14. If required as part of your contract, would you be willing to help
alleviate Prince Charles' loneliness?
a. Yes
b. No

15. List three body parts you'd be willing to pierce and expose
continuously.

16. In the space provided, tell us why you want, why you really,
really, want this job.

************************************

THE SEXUAL HARASSMENT CONSENT FORM

Name:______________________________ SOCIAL SECURITY
No:____________________
ADDRESS:___________________________
CITY:__________________________________
STAFF ELEMENT:_____________________ HOME PHONE
No.:________________________
MALE:___________ FEMALE:___________ OFFICE PHONE
No.:______________________
SEXUAL PREFERENCE: Male - Female
Female - Female
Male - Male
All of the Above
None of the Above - Please Specify:
_____________________
I CONSENT TO THE FOLLOWING FORMS OF SEXUAL HARRASSMENT:
Salutatory Greeting: _____________________
Eye-to-Eye Contact: ______________________
Eye-to-Bust Contatct: ____________________
Eye-to-Below Waist Contact: ______________
Heavy breathing on neck: _________________
ear: __________________
other: ________________
Hands on body: ___________________________
shoulder: _______________________
waist: __________________________
Gluteus Maximus: ________________
other: __________________________
Feelies: _________________________________
Gropies: _________________________________
Penetration (however slight): ____________
Other: ___________________________________
All of the Above: ________________________
MISCELLANEOUS: I WILL I WILL NOT
1. Assist in procurement of various potions, lotions, products,
appliances,etc. to be used during sexual harassment.
2. Assist in procurement and maintenance of various types of substaining
apparatus.
3. Clean up.
I CERTIFY THAT I WILL ACCEPT SEXUAL HARASSMENT FROM:
Anyone: __________________________________
Anyone But: ______________________________
Only: ____________________________________
SIGNATURE: _______________________________________ DATE:
____________________
This form is to be reviewed by immediate supervisor annually, prior to
performance rating and evaluation.

**************************************

This is so cool.
Read this sentence:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE-
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-
IC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.

Now count ALOUD the F's in that sentence. Count them ONLY ONCE: do not go
back and count them again. See below...

ANSWER:

There are six F's in the sentence. One of average intelligence finds three
of them. If you spotted four, you're above average. If you got five, you
can turn your nose at most anybody. If you caught six, you are a genius.
There is no catch. Many people forget the OF's. The human brain tends
to see them as V's and not F's. Pretty weird, huh? It fools almost
everybody.

********************************

Can you pass the Baby Boomer Quiz?

1. Name the Beatles, first and last names.

2. Finish this line: Lions, and tigers, and bears ... (2 words)

3. Hey kids, what time is it? (4 words)

4. What do M and amp;Ms do?

5. What helps build strong bodies 12 ways?

6. Before he was Mohammed Ali, before he was The Greatest, we knew
him as ... (2 words)

7. You'll wonder where the yellow went, ... (7 words)

8. Before he was the Skipper's little buddy, Bob Denver was Dobie's
best friend, ... (First and last names, and middle initial)

9. M-I-C See ya real soon. K-E-Y ... (5 words)

10. A 'streaker' is someone who might run across campus wearing what?

11. Brylcream: ... (6 words)

12. Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone .... (2 words)

13. I wonder, wonder, wonder, wonder who ... (6 words)

14. War, uh-huh, huh, yeah, what is it good for? ... (2 words)

15. Where have all the flowers gone?

16. Superman, disguised as Clark Kent, mild mannered reporter for a
great metropolitan newspaper, fights a never ending battle for
truth, justice, and ... (3 words)

17. Who came from the University of Alabama to become one of the
greatest QB's in NFL history and appeared in a TV commercial
wearing women's pantyhose? Extra credit if you know his nickname!

18. I'm Popeye the sailor man! I'm Popeye the sailor man! I'm strong
to the finish ... (5 words)

19. Who played Peter Pan before all these other imitators?

20. In The Graduate, Benjamin Braddock (Dustin Hoffman) was advised
about his future and told to consider one thing. What?

21. In 1962, a dejected politician, having lost a race for governor,
announced his retirement and chastised the press saying, Just
think, you don't have ... to kick around any more. (2 words)
And he lied!

22. Every morning at the mine you could see him arrive. He stood
six feet six, weighed 245 pounds, kinda broad at the shoulder
and narrow at the hip, and everybody knew you didn't give no
lip to ... (2 words)

23. Where did Fats Domino find his thrill? (3 words)

24. Good night, Mrs. Calabash, ... (3 words)

25. Good night, Chet. ... (3 words)

26. Liar, liar, ... (3 words) And it's not a Jim Carrey movie!

27. When it's least expected, you're elected. You're the star
today! Smile! ... (4 words)
.
.
.
.
.
Answers:

1. John Lennon, Paul McCartney (Sir), George Harrison, Ringo Starr
(Richard Starkey)
2. Oh, my!
3. It's Howdy Doody Time!
4. melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
5. Wonder bread
6. Casius Clay
7. when you brush your teeth with Pepsodent
8. Maynard G. Crebbs
9. ... why, because we like you.
10. nothing but a smile!
11. a little dab will do ya.
12. over 30!
13. ...who wrote the book of love
14. absolutely nothing!
15. long time passing
16. the American way
17. Joe Nameth, aka Broadway Joe, aka Joe Willie.
18. ...'cause I eats me spinach.
19. Mary Martin.
20. Plastic
21. d*ck Nixon.
22. Big John
23. on blueberry hill.
24. ...wherever you are.
25. Good night, David.
26. ...pants on fire.
27. You're on Candid Camera.

****************************************

Guyness Quiz

Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you
are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic
friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated
device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite
supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently
eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide
to:

a. Present it to the president of the United States.
b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.
c. Take it apart.


2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you
miss the most?

a. Innocence.
b. Idealism.
c. Cherry bombs.


3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard
for narrow-minded social conventions.
b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only
really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons,
you have to have him killed.


4. What about hugging another male?

a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case,
you should repeatedly shout: I am just dislodging food trapped in this
male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!)
c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home
run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that:


(1) He is legally within the basepath,
(2) Both of you are wearing protective cups, and
(3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to
cause fractures.


5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...

a. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
b. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
c. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and
cancer.


6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

a. A cat.
b. A dog.
c. A dog that eats cats.


7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive
Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy -- you're watching a
football game; she's reading the papers -- when she suddenly, out of the clear
blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no
longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going.
She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you
believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?

a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you
don't want to rush it.
b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot
honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting
commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and
seventeen.


8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want
to spend the rest of your life with her -- sharing the joys and the
sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and
opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you
tell her?

a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name,
and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the
stars in her eyes, you tell her.
c. Tell her what?


9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to
get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her
is:

a. Do they need to eat or anything?
b. They're in school already?
c. There are three of them?


10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes
so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for
your legs.
b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and
has to be handled with tweezers.
c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks
the garbage regularly in case somebody -- and we are not naming names,
but this would be his wife -- is quietly trying to discard his
underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to
have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.


11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the
fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years
before they finally got to the Promised Land?

a. He was being tested.
b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they
finally got there.
c. He refused to ask directions.


12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

a. Democracy.
b. Religion.
c. Remote control.


How to Score: Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer
c. A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In fact, a real
guy would score at least 15, because he would get the special
five-point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's
disease and cancer.

FEW DAYS AWAY DUE TO FLU, BACK ONLINE AGAIN

INTERESTING TRUE FACTS

Fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers were all invented by women.

Married men change their underwear twice as often as single men.

There are more collect calls on Father's Day than any other day of the year.

Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.

40% of all people who come to a party in your home snoop in your medicine cabinet.

3.9% of all women surveyed say they never wear underwear.

Superman is featured on every episode of "Seinfeld", either by name or pictures on Jerry's refrigerator.

85% of the men that die while having sex are cheating on their wives.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treasury.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first class.

Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28

Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38

Percentage of American men who say they would marry the same woman if they had it to do all over again: 80

Percentage of American women who say they would marry the same man: 50

Percentage of men who say they are happier after their divorce or separation: 58

Percentage of women who say they are happier: 85

Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches

Percentage of bird species that are monogamous: 90

Percentage of mammal species that are monogamous: 3

Chances that a burglary in the United States will be solved: 1 in 7

One third of the land in the United States is owned by the government.

The hummingbird is the only bird that can fly backwards.

Between 1942 and 1944, Academy Awards were made of plaster.

John Madden is an accomplished ballroom dancer.

In 21 states, Wal-Mart is the single largest employer.

Jim Gordon, drummer of Derek and the Dominos ("Layla"), killed his mother with a claw hammer.

One of Hewlett Packard's first ideas was an automatic urinal flusher.

Eric Clapton did not play the very famous first riff on the song "Layla". That was Duane Allman. Clapton comes in later.

There are more cars in Southern California than there are cows in India.

The two-foot long bird called a Kea that lives in New Zealand likes to eat the strips of rubber around car windows.

The province of Alberta, Canada is completely free of rats.

Illinois has the most personalized license plates of any state.

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.

The international telephone dialing code for Antarctica is 672.

The average chocolate bar has 8 insect legs in it.

Fleas can jump 130 times higher than their own height. In human terms this is equal to a 6 foot person jumping 780 feet into the air.

Snakes are true carnivores as they eat nothing but other animals. They do not eat any type of plant material.

There are no venomous snakes in Maine.

The blue whale can produce sounds up to 188 decibels. This is the loudest sound produced by a living animal and has been detected as far away as 530 miles.

Erosion at the base of Niagara Falls (USA) undermines the shale cliffs and as a result, the falls have receded approximately 7 miles over the last 10,000 years.

The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

North Dakota has never had an earthquake.

Alexander Graham Bell (who invented the telephone) also set a world water-speed record of over seventy miles an hour at the age of 72.

There is enough fuel in a full tank of a jumbo jet to drive an average car four times around the world.
 

 Hawaii Nis moving toward Japan 4 inches every year.

Chimps are the only animals that can recognize themselves in a mirror.

The leg bones of a bat are so thin that no bat can walk.

If you keep a goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white.

In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

Almonds are members of the peach family.

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

One person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

In 2018, the month of February will not have a full moon.

More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.

The dot that appears over the letter "i" is called a tittle.

All major league baseball umpires must wear black underwear while on the job (in case their pants split).

The Spanish word esposa means "wife." The plural, esposas, means "wives," but also "handcuffs."

If all Americans used one third less ice in their drinks the United States would become a net exporter instead of an importer of energy.

If the Nile River were stretched across the United States, it would run nearly from New York to Los Angeles.

San Francisco cable cars are the only National Monuments that move.

The Hoover Dam was built to last 2,000 years. Its concrete will not be fully cured for another 500 years.

Abraham Lincoln's dog, Fido, was assassinated too.

All of David Letterman's suits are custom made - there are no creases in his suit trousers.

Cranberry Jell-O is the only flavor that contains real fruit flavoring.

Fewer than half of the 16,200 major league baseball players have ever hit a  home run.

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

Richard Versalle, a tenor performing at New York's Metropolitan Opera House, suffered a heart attack and fell 10 feet from a ladder to the stage just after singing the line "You can only live so long."

If the entire population of earth was reduced to exactly 100 people, 51% would be female, 49% male; 50% of the world's currency would be held by 6 people, one person would be nearly dead, one nearly born.

In 1920, Babe Ruth out-homered every American League team.

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England, but only in tropical fish stores.

Toxic house plants poison more children than household chemicals.

The original name of Bank of America was Bank of Italy.

The ant, when intoxicated, will always fall over to its right side.

The California Department of Motor Vehicles has issued six driver's licenses to six different people named Jesus Christ.

Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike each year than all the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

People in China and Japan die disproportionately on the 4th of each month because the words death and four sound alike, and they are represented by the same symbol.

Chicago is closer to Moscow than it is to Rio de Janeiro.

Dogs have two sets of teeth, just like humans. They first have 30 "puppy" teeth, then 42 adult teeth.

In 1950, President Harry Truman threw out the first ball twice at the opening day Washington DC baseball game; once right handed and once left handed.

A Swiss ski resort announced it would combat global warming by wrapping its mountain glaciers in aluminum foil to keep them from melting.

The chameleon has a tongue that is one and a half times the length of his body.

Beethoven dipped his head in cold water before he composed.

There once was a town named "6" in West Virginia.

Ten years ago, only 500 people in China could ski. This year, an estimated 5,000,000 Chinese will visit ski resorts.

In 1920, Babe Ruth broke the single season home run record, with 29. The same year, he became the first major leaguer to hit 30 home runs. The same year, he became the first major leaguer to hit 40 home runs. The same year, he became the first major leaguer to hit 50 home runs.

A Nigerian woman was caught entering the UK with 104 kg of snails in her baggage.

Profanity is typically cut from in-flight movies to make them suitable for general audiences. Fox Searchlight Pictures has substituted "Ashcroft" for "A**hole" in the movie Sideways when dubbed for Aerolineas Argentinas flights.

Author Hunter S. Thompson, who committed suicide recently, wanted to be cremated and his ashes to be shot out of a cannon on his ranch.
 

 Sports Illustratd magazine allows subscribers to opt out of receiving the famous swimsuit issue each year. Fewer than 1% choose this option.

There is a company that will (for $14,000) take your ashes, compress them into a synthetic diamond to be set in jewelry for a loved one.

The RIAA sued an 83 year old woman for downloading music illegally, even though a copy of her death certificate was sent to the RIAA a week before it filed the suit.

Two 1903 paintings recently sold at auction for $590,000 - the paintings were in the famous "Dogs Playing Poker" series.

Russian scientists have developed a new drug that prolongs drunkenness and enhances intoxication.

Romanian firefighters could not get their trucks close enough to a burning building, so they put out the fire by throwing snowballs at it.

A perfect SAT score is 1600 combined. Bill Gates scored 1590 on his SAT. Paul Allen, Bill's partner in Microsoft, scored a perfect 1600. Bill Cosby scored less than 500 combined.

Motorists traveling outside Salem, Oregon saw one of the "litter cleanup" signs crediting the American Nazi party. Marion County officials had no choice but to let that group into the adopt-a-road program. The $500 per sign was picked up by Oregon taxpayers. The Ku Klux Klan is also involved in the adopt-a-road program in the state of Arkansas.

Spam filters that catch the word "cialis" will not allow many work-related e-mails through because that word is embedded inside the word "specialist".

McDonald's restaurants will buy 54,000,000 pounds of fresh apples this year. Two years ago, McDonald's purchased 0 pounds of apples. This is attributed to the shift to more healthy menu options (the Apple Pie, which has been at McDonald's for years uses processed Apple Pie Filling).

The biggest dog on record was an Old English Mastiff that weighed 343 pounds. He was 8 feet, 3 inches from nose to tail.

Mailmen in Russia now carry revolvers after a recent decision by the government.

All of Queen Anne's 17 children died before she did.

There are over 87,000 Americans on waiting lists for organ transplants.

American made parts account for only 1% of the Chrysler Crossfire. 96% of the Ford F-150 Heritage Truck is American.

A Dutch court ruled that a bank robber could deduct the 2,000 Euros he paid for his pistol from the 6,600 Euros he has to return to the bank he robbed.

The average child recognizes over 200 company logos by the time he enters first grade.

Last December, the House of Representatives earmarked $50,000,000 to create an indoor rain forest in Iowa.

Amusement park attendance goes up after a fatal accident. It seems many people want to ride upon the same ride that killed someone.

For every ton of fish that is caught in all the oceans on our planet, there are three tons of garbage dumped into the oceans.

June Foray did the voice for Rocky the Flying Squirrel and the Chatty Cathy dolls.

Japanese and Chinese people die on the fourth of the month more often than any other dates. The reason may be that they are "scared to death" by the number four. The words four and death sound alike in both Chinese and Japanese.

People with initials that spell out GOD or ACE are likely to live longer than people whose initials spell out words like APE, PIG, or RAT.

Albert Einstein Quotes

Quotes from a master thinker

If we knew what we were doing, it wouldn't be called research.

Once we accept our limits, we go beyond them.

In theory, theory and practice are the same. In practice, they are not.

When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute and it's longer than any hour. That's relativity!

Why is it that nobody understands me, yet everybody likes me?

Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius (and a lot of courage) to move in the opposite direction.

I'm no Einstein.

A table, a chair, a bowl of fruit and a violin - what else does a man need to be happy?

Imagination is more important than knowledge.

Before God we are all equally wise - and equally foolish.

One does not make wars less likely by formulating rules of warfare.

Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.

I want to know God's thoughts; the rest are details.

If the facts don't fit the theory,change the facts.

The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

I never worry about the future - it comes soon enough.

The only real valuable thing is intuition.

A person starts to live when he can live outside himself.

Weakness of attitude becomes weakness of character.

I never think of the future. It comes soon enough.

Sometimes one pays most for the things one gets for nothing.

Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.

Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds.

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Science is a wonderful thing if one does not have to earn one's living at it.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education.

Peace cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved by understanding.

The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible.

When a blind beetle crawls over the surface of a curved branch, it doesn’t notice that the track it has covered is indeed curved. I was lucky enough to notice what the beetle didn’t notice.

We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.

Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school.

The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing.

If A is a success in life, then A equals X plus Y plus Z. Work is X; Y is play; and Z is keeping your mouth shut.

I do not play games; there is no time for it. When I get through with work, I don’t want anything that requires the working of the mind.

With fame, I become more and more stupid - which of course is a very common phenomenon.

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the universe.

As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain. As far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.

An empty stomach is not a good political advisor.

I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.

Marriage is but slavery - made to appear civilized.

Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.

If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal - not to people or objects.

Only the one who does not question is safe from making a mistake.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

How on earth are you ever going to explain in terms of chemistry and physics so important a biological phenomenon as first love?

The release of atom power has changed everything except our way of thinking.

Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts.

You see - wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: You send signals here, and they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat.

I have no special talents; I am only passionately curious.

It is abhorrent to me when a fine intelligence is paired with an unsavory character.

A happy man is too satisfied with the present to dwell too much on the future.

Love brings much happiness, much more so than pining for someone brings pain.

Do not worry about your difficulties in mathematics. I can assure you that mine are still greater.

Useless But Interesting Facts

* The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.

* The Boston University Bridge (on Commonwealth Avenue, Boston, Massachusetts) is the only place in the world where a boat can sail under a train driving under a car driving under an airplane.

* Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.

* Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

* David Prowse, was the guy in the Darth Vader suit in Star Wars. He spoke all of Vader's lines, and didn't know that he was going to be dubbed over by James Earl Jones until he saw the screening of the movie.

* Many hamsters only blink one eye at a time.

* In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

* Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33.

* February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

* Montpelier, Vermont is the only U.S. state capital without a McDonalds.

* The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.

* No word in the English language rhymes with month.

* The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

* There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.

* Isaac Asimov is the only author to have a book in every Dewey-decimal category.

* Columbia University is the second largest landowner in New York City, after the Catholic Church.

* Cat's urine glows under a black light.

* Back in the mid to late 80's, an IBM compatible computer wasn't considered a hundred percent compatible unless it could run Microsoft's Flight Simulator.

* The first Ford cars had Dodge engines.

* Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

* It takes about a half a gallon of water to cook macaroni, and about a gallon to clean the pot.

* In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

* Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age.

* The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.

* Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously

* If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.

* The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

* Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

* No NFL team which plays it's home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Superbowl

* The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver".

* In the great fire of London in 1666 half of London was burnt down but only 6 people were injured

* Lincoln Logs were invented by Frank Lloyd Wright's son.

* One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today because cotton growers in the 30s lobbied against hemp farmers  they saw it as competition. It is not chemically addictive as is nicotine, alcohol, or caffeine.

* The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star Game.

* Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

Some fun rules

1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

4. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

5. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

7. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

8. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't need him again.

10. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"

12. My Reality Check bounced.

13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

14. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

15. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

16. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, like, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

17. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

And,

18. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Deep Thoughts

Deep Thoughts

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, I hope they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man.

I'd rather be rich than stupid.

I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that read, "I helped skin Bob."

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in some crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave Man, I guess I am a coward.

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it would be like ambition.

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says "You." After that, I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.

If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because hey, free dummy.

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those really high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing?

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven - with a gun."

Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.

If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.

When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it. Probably, the gathered together one evening, slapped each other on the back and said, "Hey, good job."

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind." Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.

When I heard that trees grow a new 'ring' for each year they live, I thought, we humans are kind of like that: we grow a new layer of skin each year, and after many years we are thick and unwieldy from all our skin layers.

In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you.

Too bad you can't just grab a tree by the very tiptop and bend it clear over the ground and then let her fly, because I bet you'd be amazed at all the stuff that comes flying out.