Describe professions
What does your
profession say about you?
1. MARKETING - You
are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study
in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty
much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.
2. SALES - Laziest
of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a
degree." You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you
and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so
you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for
your golf game throughout your life.
3. TECHNOLOGY -
Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to
completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU
don't understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written
that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.
4. ENGINEERING - One
of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety
percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with
yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergo dynamic" gadgets.
However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel syndrome."
5. ACCOUNTING - The
only other sign that studied in school. You
are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization;
combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors
concerning you say that you are completely insane.
6. HUMAN RESOURCES -
Ironically, given your access to confidential
information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization.
Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are
unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch
AND then mail a letter.
7. MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE
MANAGEMENT - Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to
remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single
decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can
schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers"
as everyone in you social circle is a "Middle Manager."
8. SENIOR MANAGEMENT
- (See above - Same sign, different title)
9. CUSTOMER SERVICE
- Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own
life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for
your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer
Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep
with your manager.
10. CONSULTANT -
Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter
lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your "skills"
are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization
in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career
opportunities without ever taking direct action.
11. RECRUITER,
"HEADHUNTER" - As a "person" that profits from the success
of others, you are disdained by most people who actually work for a living.
Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent
heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market.
12. PARTNER,
PRESIDENT, CEO - You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out
complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter.
13. GOVERNMENT
WORKER - Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like
the invention of new Holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or
anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job... Thus the term
"GO POSTAL"
Inspirational Messages Redefined
17. There is no
"I" in "teamwork." But there is in "management
kiss-up."
16. If you do a good
job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
15. The light at the
end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
14. Doing a job
RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG 14 times gives you
job security.
13. If you think
we're a bad company, you should see the competition.
12. Rome did not create a great empire by having
meetings--they did it by killing all those who oppose them.
11. We put the
"k" in "kwality."
10. 2 days without a
human rights violation.
9. Your job is STILL
better than asking, "You want fries with that?"
8. We build great
products when we feel like it and don't have any reason to call in sick.
7. If at first you
don't succeed, try management.
6. Teamwork means
never having to take all the blame yourself.
5. The beatings will
continue until morale improves.
4. Pride,
Commitment, Teamwork. Words we use to get you to work for free.
3. If at first you
don't succeed, delegate it.
2. Plagiarism saves
time.
1. Eagles may soar,
but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Useful work phrases
USEFUL PHRASES AT
WORK:
I like you. You
remind me of when I was young and stupid.
I'm not being rude.
You're just insignificant.
I'm already
visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
It might look like
I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
Thank you. We're all
refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
The fact that no one
understands you doesn't mean you're an artist Any connection between your reality and mine
is purely coincidental I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
I will always
cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
It's a thankless
job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
Yes, I am an agent
of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
No, my powers can
only be used for good.
How about never? Is
never good for you?
I'm really easy to
get along with once you people learn to worship me You sound reasonable...Time to up my
medication I'll try being nicer if
you'll try being smarter.
I don't work here.
I'm a consultant.
Who me? I just
wander from room to room.
My toys! My toys! I
can't do this job without my toys!
At least I have a
positive attitude about my destructive habits.
You are validating
my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I see you've set
aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Someday, we'll look
back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
20 Annoying Things to do at a
Supermarket
.
1. Juggle the fruits
and "accidently" hit the other customers as they fall off course.
(not into your hands) "When they say "OW!" say, "I'm so
sorry... come here you little juggle... and apologize. After a few moments of
silence start spanking thin air. (Make little squirming noises, act very
serious)
2. Wedge things in
all the freezer and refrigerator doors so that they don't close all the way.
Write little notes saying: WILL YOU BE MY FRIEND?!
3. Buy a live
lobster and set it free in the store.
4. Find a shopping cart
with soda in it and shake the *&$%#@ out of them! Then put them back into
the shopping cart.
5. Have shopping
cart races down the aisles.
6. Talk to the fresh
fish.
7. Dump the tray of
food samples in your purse or pockets. Then say in a sorry look..."I'm hungry..."
then llok down at your stomach.
8. Go up to a random
person and ask when their b-day is. If they don't tell you scream out "HAPPRY
BIRTHDAY!!!" and make the person VERY embarrassed. If they do tell you
pretend you couldn't hear them and say, "What is that? You want to steal
something?!"(act alarmed)
9. Use cantaloupes
for bowling balls and pineapples for bowings pins and hold a bowling tournament
in the aisles.
10.
"Accidentally" drop a jar of pickles and walk away very, very fast if
people ask if you had done it say, "It was the fish in the seafood aisle,
I saw him do it!!!"
11. Fill a shopping
cart with things like toilet paper, daipers, and kleenex and leave it in the
meat aisle.
12. Throw a party by
yourself, for yourself.
13. Use a banana as
a telephone and talk to your Aunt Edna.
14. Go to sleep in a
shopping cart in the middle of the aisle and when you sense that someone is
watching you start blowing bubbles out of your mouth and act like a little
baby. sleeping.
15. Make race car
noises as you "drive" your shopping cart up and down the aisles. ex.
SCEEEEEEERCH! EEEER!
16. Try to auction
off a grapefruit starting from $100.00
17. When they ask
you if you want "paper or plastic" reply, "papestic
please." Then smile evilly.
18. Switch the price
labels on very expensive items with those of very cheap items. Then try to buy
the expensive items with the cheap price label on it.
19. Play hopscotch
on the tiles on the floor then pretend you snapped your ankle and start crying.
When the manager comes say "I'm gonna sue you! You should have a sign that
says: NO HOPSCOTCHING. Then pout.
20. Tell them you
are with the Department of Health and you need to test ALL of their foods.
21. Get in the
express line with more than ninty items. When they tell you to go to another line
start crying. Or smile and run out the store abandoning your shopping cart
that's filled with ninty items.
22. Try a food
sample and then say in a loud voice, "This tastes like my friends
dog..." Then duck low pretending to be a shame dof yourself.
23. Whenever someone
is blocking the aisle infrontof you go "Beep beep!" If they STILL
won't move say "I'm gonna give you a ticket you know..."
24. Buy 75 sticks of
deodorant. Then open them all and place them facing up in front of a busy aisle
making it impossible to get out of the aisle without hitting the 75 sticks of
deodorant. And say "HA HA, gotcha!"
25. Randomly stick
boxes of Midol into guys' shopping carts when they aren't looking.
26. Ask one of the
cashiers if they have any pork that is suitable for a sacrificial offering.
27. Sing "Mary
Had a Little Lamb" very loudly while walking around the supermarket with a
shopping cart full of lamb chops.
20 Responses to Telemarketers
1. If they want to
loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy andyou could sure use
some money.
2. If they start out
with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked,
because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My
arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "
3. If they say
they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their
name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is
located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they
got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue
asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as
necessary.
4. This works great
if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy andI'm with XYZ
Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask,"What
are you wearing?"
5. Cry out in
surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you
been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she
tries to figure out where she could know you from.
6. Say
"No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a
rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can
do it until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls
trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan,
reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would
you
be my friend?"
8. If the company
cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood?
How about human blood?"
9. After the
Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get
all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a
complete stranger.
10. Tell the
Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to
employees.
11. Answer the
phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the
receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.
12. Tell the
Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you
his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer
explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I
guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The
Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.
13. Ask them to
repeat everything they say, several times.
14. Tell them it is
dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them
on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your
food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
15. Tell the
Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they
could bring you some beer.
16. Ask them to fax
the information to you, and make up a number.
17. Tell the
Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably
tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."
18. Insist that the
caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come
on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
19. Tell them you
are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . .
louder . . . louder . . .
20. Tell them to
talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.
NOTICE: The above
have all been tested and approved for use on telemarketers.
No animals were harmed in the testing
Burger King-Top 20
1. Ask for a Big Mac
and a Supersized fry.
2. Ask how much a 99 cent Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger is.
3. When ordering at the drive through, honk the horn until you leave the
parking lot.
4. Ride through the drive through on a bicycle.
5. Play your car stereo loudly when ordering.
6. Ask to speak to Dave Thomas.
7. Order 1 thing at a time at the drive through, keep driving around until you
have a complete meal.
8. When eating in, sit alone and start laughing loudly for no reason.
Then start talking
like someones eating accross the table.
9. Pull up to take your food, don't take it, and drive away.
10. Go through the drive through and say nothing.
11. When they ask, "Can I take your order?" repeat that and everything
else they say. (The shadow game.)
12. When in the drive through, slam into the car ahead of you and yell
"Would you like frys with that?"
13. When they ask "Can I take your order?" say "No thank
you." and drive away.
14. When eating in, pick up and throw your chair and yell, "They forgot
the $#@%&*% mustard! and resume eating.
15. Go from table to table and steal food.
16. When eating in, sit next to people and say "That looks good, can I
have a bite?"
17. Order 20 hamburgers, pull up to get them and say "I've changed my
mind, I just want a large Coke."
18. Walk in and sit next to somebody and say "It's a shame about your
car."
19. Ask if the 99 cent Value Menu prices will lower.
20. Do the same thing as in number 17 but say "I hope you just put Ketchup
on all those."
The Top 15 Layoff Greeting
Cards
15. Roses are red,
violets are blue.Al Gore's out of work, and so are you.
14. Your writing was
great!Such a way with cards!Now please leave quietlyOr we'll call the guards.
13. We all know that
you're valuable, You do so many things, But we found someone for half your pay With
dreads and eyebrow rings.
12. Your poems were
sublime! Your work left us gaspin'!But the prez wants to buildA new condo in Aspen!
11. Roses are red,
violets are blue. I wouldn't get sick, if I were you: You've lost your job, and
your insurance, too.
10. Get Re-employed
Soon!
9.We realize that on
this solemn day, A part of our company goes with you.
We strongly suggest
that you put it back. Signed, the guys in Security.
8. Don't think of it
as getting older. Think of it as dying penniless after a meal of Alpo on toast.
7. You are invited
to a layoff!
Date: Today
From: Management
For: Restructuring
Bring: Your
belongings
6. During your times
of suffering, when you could see only oneset of footprints, it was then that
you had your feet onthe desk and your lazy ass was playing Minesweeper.
5. At writing cute
poems, you were the bomb, But now we suggest: monster.com.
4. We hope this
friendly greeting card Will ease your post-job tension,
At least until you
find that we Have pissed away your pension.
3. In order to replace your work, We'll have to count on Tom.
We're sure that he
can handle Surfing redhotbuns.com
2. Your work was
really wonderful, But we have to boost our stock.
We're really sad to
see you go. Please don't rampage with your Glock.
1. You've been a
great employee, So diligent and true. But there is no "i" in
"our team," And now there is no "u."
Unusual Interviews
"Most
unusual" questions that have been asked by job candidates.
"What is it
that you people do at this company?"
"What is the
company motto?"
"Why aren't you
in a more interesting business?"
"What are the
zodiac signs of all the board members?"
"Why do you
want references?"
"Do I have to
dress for the next interview?"
"I know this is
off the subject, but will you marry me?"
"Will the
company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?"
"Will the
company pay to relocate my horse?"
"Does your
health insurance cover pets?"
"Would it be a
problem if I'm angry most of the time?"
"Does your
company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?"
"Do you think
the company would be willing to lower my pay?"
"Why am I
here?"
Unusual statements
made by candidates during the interview process. I have no difficulty in
starting or holding my bowel movement.
At times I have the
strong urge to do something harmful or shocking.
I feel uneasy
indoors.
Sometimes I feel
like smashing things.
Women should not be
allowed to drink in cocktail bars.
I think that Lincoln was greater than Washington.
I get excited very
easily.
Once a week, I
usually feel hot all over.
I am fascinated by
fire.
I like tall women.
Whenever a man is
with a woman he is usually thinking about sex.
People are always
watching me.
If I get too much
change in a store, I always give it back.
Almost everyone is
guilty of bad sexual conduct.
I must admit that I
am a pretty fair talker.
I never get hungry.
I know who is
responsible for most of my troubles.
If the pay was
right, I'd travel with the carnival.
I would have been
more successful if nobody would have snitched on me.
My legs are really
hairy.
I think I'm going to
throw-up.
