Philosophic Questions
Ponder these
questions when you don't want to think about important stuff!
If you choke a
Smurf, what color does it turn?
Is it OK to use the
AM radio after noon?
What do chickens
think we taste like?
What do people in China call their good plates?
What do you call a
male ladybug?
What hair color do
they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
When dog food is
new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah
swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they
sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why doesn't glue
stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why is it called
tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why do you need a
driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why isn't phonetic
spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there
Interstates in Hawaii?
Why are there
flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes
sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?
Have you ever
imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
How does the guy
who drives the snowplow get to work?
If the 7-11 is open
24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it have locks on the door?
Why is a bra
singular and panties plural?
You know that
indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the
whole plane out of that stuff?
If a firefighter
fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter
fight?
If they squeeze
olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?
If a cow laughs,
does milk come out of her nose?
If you are driving
at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?
Why do they put
Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?
Why is it that when
you transport something by car it is called shipment, but when you transport
something by ship it's called cargo?
Why don't sheep
shrink when it rains?
What would Geronimo
say if he jumped out of an airplane?
Why are they called
apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the
opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so
safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
If you throw a cat
out of the house, does it become kitty litter?
If aspirins are
always "Take Two," why not increase the size of ONE?
Things I MUST Remember as a Dog!
1. The garbage
collector is not stealing our stuff.
2. I do not need to
suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
3. I will not roll
my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed.
4. I must shake the
rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
5. I will not eat
the cats' food, before they eat it or after they throw it up.
6. I will stop
trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am
about to get sick.
7. I will not throw
up in the car.
8. I will not roll
on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just because I like the way they smell.
9. "Kitty box
crunchies", although they are tastie, are not food.
10. I will not eat
any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them in the backyard after
processing.
11. The diaper pail
is not a cookie jar.
12. I will not chew
my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
13. I will not chew
crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am
hemorrhaging.
14. When in the
car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining
outside.
15. We do not have
a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
16. I will not
steal my mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard with it.
17. The sofa is not
a face towel. Neither are mom & dad's laps.
18. My head does
not belong in the refrigerator.
19. I will not bite
the officer's hand when he reaches in for mom's driver's license and car
registration.
20. I will not play
tug-of-war with dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
21. I will not eat
mint flavoured dental floss out of the bathroom garbage to avoid having a
string hanging out of my butt.
22. I will not use
"roll around in the dirt" as an option after just getting a bath.
23. Sticking my
nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying hello.
24. I will not hump
on any person's leg just because I thought it was the right thing to do.
25. I will not fart
in my owners face while sleeping on the pillow next to their head.
26. I will not come
in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
27. The toilet bowl
is not a never ending water supply and, just because the water is blue, it
doesn't mean it is cleaner.
28. I will not sit
in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.
29. Suddenly
turning around and smelling my butt can quickly clear a room.
30. The cat is not
a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not
a good thing.
How to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity
Big Laughs
How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At lunch time,
sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars.
See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over
the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Every time
someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put your garbage
can on your desk and label it"in"
5. Put decaff in
the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has Gotten over their caffeine
addictions, switch to espresso.
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual
favours."
7. Finish all your
sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
8. Don't use any punctuation Marks
9. As often as
possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Ask people what
sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
11. Specify that your
drive-through order is "to go."
12. Sing along at
the opera.
13. Go to a poetry
recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
14. Put mosquito
netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
15. Five days in
advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in
the mood.
16. Have your
coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim.
17. When the money
comes out the ATM, scream "I won!", "I won!" "3rd time
this week!!!!!"
18. When leaving
the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "run for your
lives, they're loose!!"
19. Tell your children
over dinner. "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.”
And the final way to keep a healthy level of
insanity.......
insanity.......
20. Send this e-mail
to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or asked you not to
send them stuff like this.
