RELATIONS TODAY

Top Ten Rejection Lines Given by Women (and what they actually mean)

10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")

9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (I don't want to date my dad)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)

6. I've got a boyfriend (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's).

5. I don't date men where I work. (I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)

4. It's not you, it's me. (It's you.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.) And the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it really means)

1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing.)

Degree Courses for Women

1. Silence, the final frontier: Where no woman has gone before.
2. The undiscovered side of Banking: How to make deposits.
3. Combating the Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You don t need new shoes everyday.
4. Learn how not to inflict your Diets on other people.
5. Nag Nag Nag - how to overcome your tendency to be a fish wife.
6. An invitation to a party does not mean that you have to have a new outfit.
7. Man Management: Discover how the garbage can wait until after the game.
8. Personal Space: Leaving at least enough space in the bathroom cupboard for your partners toothbrush.
9. Valuation: Just because it's not important to you.
10. Communication Skills I: Tears as the last resort and not the first.
11. Communication Skills II: How to think before speaking.
12. What he really wants: Is buying the right razor blades so difficult.
13. Driving a car safely: A skill you can also acquire.
14. Real women drink their share at a party.
15. Telephones: How to hang up.
16. Parking: Beginners Course.
17. Parking (Advanced): Reversing into a parking space.
18. The Natural Habitat of the Towel: Why they prefer the floor.
19. Managing your weight: Its not water retention... its fat.
20. Learning to cook I: Bran is not food.
21. Learning to cook II: Bringing back bacon and eggs.
22. Compliments: How to accept them gracefully.
23. PMS: Your problem... not his.

Women's 45 Rules for Men

1. Call
2. Don't lie.
3. Never tape any of her body parts together.
4. If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
5. The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes."
6. Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"
7. Victoria's secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad.
8. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
9. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
10. "Honey," "Darling," and "Sweetheart," are good. "Nag," "Lardass," and "Bitch," are bad.
11. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
12. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.
13. None of your ex-girlfriends was ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.
14. Her cooking is excellent.
15. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid coocking.
16. Dish soap is your friend.
17. Hat does not equal shower, after-shave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.
18. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
19. Answering "Who was on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation.
20. Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"
21. Two words: clean socks.
22. Believe it or not, you're probably not more attractive when you're all sweaty.
23. Burping is not sexy.
24. You're wrong.
25. You're sorry.
26. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think.
27. Ditto for you discourse on football.
28. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound.
29. "Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is bad.
30. Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
31. Don't assume PMS doesn't exist.
32. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.
33. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11 pm.
34. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
35. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it.
36. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like a complete jerk until she does it for you.
37. Don't tell her you love her if you don't.
38. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
39. Always, always suck up to her brother.
40. Think boxers. Silk boxers.
41. Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so names.
42. Don't try to change the way she dresses.
43. Her haircut is never bad.
44. Don't let your friends pick on her.
45. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labor while you sit on your butt in the waiting room, smoking cigars, isn't fair either, and it balances everything.

Male Bashing

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: Why are men like commercials?
A: You can't believe a word they say.

Q: Why are men like popcorn?
A: They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Q: What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
A: Sex.

Q: What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
A: When the power goes off.

Q: What do men and women have in common?
A: They both distrust men.

Q: How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts?
A: Guilt gifts are nicer.

Q: What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
A: His wife is good at picking out clothes.

Q: How is a man like the weather?
A: Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

Q: What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
A: One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is giving birth.

Q: What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?
A: The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the man thinks often about dating them.

Q: Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of?
A: Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.

Q: What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
A: Slow.

Q: What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A: They're married.

Q: What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?
A: An insurance company.

Q: Why don't men often show their true feelings?
A: Because they don't have any.

Q: How are men like noodles?
A: They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Q: Why are men and spray paint alike?
A: One squeeze and they're all over you.

Q: Why is food better than men?
A: Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds.

Q: Why would women be better off if men treated them like cars?
A: At least then they would get a little attention every 6 months or 5000 miles, whichever came first.

Q: Why do men have a hole in their penis?
A: So oxygen can get to their brains.

Q: What do ceramic tile and men have in common?
A: If you lay them right the first time, you can walk on them for life!

Q: How do you grow your own dope?
A: Plant a man.

Q: How are all men multiorgasmic?
A: They have one small one while having sex with "their" woman....and a second, much bigger one the next day while telling their buddies about it.

Q: What about the man who saw the sign "Drink Canada Dry"?
A: He moved there.

Q: What does a woman do with her asshole before having sex?
A: She drops him off at the golfcourse.

Q: How do you get a man to do situps?
A: Put the remote control between his toes

Q: What do men consider housecleaning?
A: Lifting their feet so you can vacuum under them

Q: How do you save a man from drowning?
A: Take your foot off his head

Q: What do men consider a 7 course meal?
A: A hotdog and a six pack of beer

Q: How does a man change a roll of toilet paper?
A: No one knows - we've never seen it done!

Q: Why is it good that there are women astronauts?
A: So that when the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask for directions.

Q: How can you tell if a man is excited?
A: He's breathing

Q: How do men exercise on the beach?
A: By sucking in their stomach everytime a bikini goes by

Q: What do men consider foreplay?
A: Half an hour of begging

Q: How can you tell if a man is happy?
A: Who cares?/?

Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A: 1. No mind.
2. No business.

Q: If men got pregnant....
A: Abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive-through windows.

Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
A: Because they already have boyfriends.

Q: Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
A: He had it bronzed.

Q: How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
A: Two ways to cross a river.

Q: What is gross stupidity?
A: 144 men in one room.

Q: What is a man's view of safe sex?
A: A padded headboard.

Q: How do men sort their laundry?
A: "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".

Q: What can a bird do that a man can't?
A: Whistle through its pecker!

Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A: Both of them.

Q: What would get your man to put down the toilet seat?
A: A sex-change operation.

Q: Why did the man cross the road?
A: He heard the chicken was a slut.

Q: Why do women fake orgasm?
A: Because men fake foreplay!

Q: Why do men talk so dirty?
A: So they can wash their mouth out with beer.

Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A: So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A: Who has the time?

Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: They won't stop to ask directions!

Q: Why don't women have men's brains?
A: Because they don't have penises to keep them in!

Q: What do toy trains and breasts have in common?
A: They're usually intended for the children, but it's the husbands who end up playing with them!

Q: What do you have when you've got 2 little balls in your hand?
A: A man's undivided attention.

Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A: Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor lock.

Q: What happens when a man opens his zipper?
A: His brains fall out.

IT IS ALWAYS ABOUT GOOD LAWYER

NO LAWYERS

In Bakersfield, California, developers of the Fairway Oaks community
designed their dream homes to have 5 bedrooms, a Jacuzzi, a backyard largeenough for an in-ground pool, and NO LAWYERS! This made attorney Tim Liebaert so angry - he's suing. "I was very mad," said Liebaert, after learning that his application for a new Fairway Oaks home had been rejected because of his profession.

Lawyer and a Doctor (Impaired of Hearing)

A lawyer and a doctor (both impaired of hearing) were riding a bus in New York, and here's an excerpt of the conversation they were having:

L: So you mentioned that you sue people all the time?
D: Yes, sewing is part of my job.
L: In that case I can give you my card, I could be useful to you.
D: Sorry we do only livers.
L: But I am alive, dont you think I qualify?
D: But you look fine to me, and I don't see a reason to cut you?
L: Well, I could sue you for saying that. I am kind of sensitive.
D: Where did you learn that, I thought you spend most of your time in
court?
L: That's what they teach us to do in court.
D: So do you have a nurse to assist you?
L: Actually the nerds taught us a lot back in school.
D: I think I really learned something today. My station has arrived, I will
see you again.
L: Perhaps we should switch our jobs, from what I learned today.
D: Didn't I tell you before that we stitch only livers.
L: Do you mean I am dead? Look I am really losing my patience.
D: You are deaf too, well I think then we are friends.

How About That

Two law partners were walking down the street one day and agreed that thefirst one to die would come back and help the other from beyond. As it turned out, the older of the two did in fact die a couple of weeks later and that left the younger lawyer all alone and very discouraged. He waited and waited and his partner never showed any signs of contacting him. Then, after about two months, a friend suggested he go visit a clairvoyant and maybe receive the help he needed. The younger lawyer summoned up as much courage as he could and found the address. After walking down a seemingly never ending set of steps and rapping the brass knocker a couple of times,
the door opened and through a screen of dangling beads, he saw a little old lady sitting at a table with a crystal ball in front of her. "Can you help me please?" he said. "My partner just recently died and I would very much like to get in contact with him." To which the woman responded, "for 50 dollars you can talk to your partner, but he won't be able to talk to you. For 100 dollars, he will be able to talk to you, but not you to him. And for 200 dollars, you will both be able to talk to each other while I'm drinking a glass of water."

Some stories from the american court of Justice

Lawyer asks question to witness
Q:What happened then?
A:He said "I will kill you, because you may identify me" to me
Q:Did he kill you?
***************************************
Q:Do you have a child or something like that?
A:oh yes.I have one monkey.
***************************************
Q:I show you the third evidence and ask you if you recognize
this picture
A:yes its my picture
Q:were you there while this photo taken?
A:Nooo! I was in Guatemela's independence day festivals
****************************************
Q:Now Mrs. Johnson, How was your first marriage ended?
A:Because of death
Q:For whose because of death
A:because of Guatemela's president death
****************************************
Q:Then you were not there until you return there, is it?
A:yeah, I was here, there in somewhere

Bill of Rights

Two Lawyers are arguing in court one day, and finally, the judge
calls for order. Attorney Smith speaks up and says, "Your honor,
I objected because it's obvious that attourney Jones has never
even heard of the Bill of Rights."

"Oh yeah, Smith? It just so happens I know The Bill of Rights by
heart, word for word!"

"OK then, tell me the first few words, if your so smart.",
replied Smith

"I pledge allegiance to the flag of the---"

"Damn you! I didn't think you'd know it.

Lawyer and a Plumber

Submitted by stephanie l gregory on Sun, the 5th of January, 2003, 6:01 am

A pipe burst in a lawyer's house, so he called a plumber. The plumber
arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a
while, and handed the lawyer a bill for $600. The lawyer exclaimed, "This
is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a lawyer!" The plumber
calmly replied, "Neither did I when I was a lawyer."

Charity contribution

An attorney was asked to make a contribution to a worthwhile
charity. His response was, "I guess you hadn't heard, my mother
is suffering from a terminal illness and she has medical bills
which far exceed her income. My brother is a disabled combat
veteran. He is not only blind, but is in a wheelchair and he has
to take ten different medicines a day. My sister is an only
parent of three children since her husband died without life
insurance. She has no college and scrubs floors for a living
while moonlighting by taking in ironing. My wife is in a mental
ward, and may never get out. My only child is in a drug
rehabilitation program, but he left and no one can find him."

Before he could get his breath and continue on, the fund raiser
thought it wisest to end this and let the poor man alone. "You
are correct, sir. I had no idea of your problems. Of course we
can't expect you to make a contribution with so many demands
already on your income."

The attorney nods and replies, "Exactly. Why should I contribute
to your organization when I don't even give to my own family?"

Laywer Joke

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly,
he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck.
The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're
doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice
while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't
see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

Lawyer the Hunting Dog

There was a man who loved to go pheasant hunting in the fall of
year and read an advertisement of a dog trainer that rented out
"the world's best bird dogs." He decided to try one of these
dogs since he had never had any luck with the hunting dog he
already owned. He went to the dog trainer and asked, "I read
your ad and would like to rent one of your dogs to hunt
pheasants for the day. I would like the best dog in your kennel."

The dog trainer replied, "Well, then you would want Lawyer. He
has a great nose and always scares up dozens of pheasants. He
rents for $50 per day."

"Great!" the hunter replied.

The hunter paid the fee and took Lawyer out to a field and sure
enough, he flushed out one bird after another and by the end of
the day the man had shot his limit of pheasants.

The next year the man knew he had to go back to this same kennel
and rent Lawyer. However, upon arriving the dog trainer told the
hunter that Lawyer now rented for $100 a day. "Why is that?" the
hunter asked.

"Well, Lawyer is even better this year. Take him out and you'll
see."

The hunter felt it was worth the $100 if the dog was better than
the last year and so he paid the fee and went out to a field and
sure enough, Lawyer flushed out so many pheasants that the
hunter had shot his limit before lunch time.

The next year the man returned to rent Lawyer for the day but
was surprised to discover that the dog now rented for $500 a
day. The dog trainer said, "He's expensive because he is in such
high demand. Everybody wants Lawyer. And why not? He's an even
better bird dog than last year."

Once again the hunter felt it was worth the price and so he paid
the $500 and went out to a field. Lawyer was fantastic and the
hunter shot his limit of pheasant within an hour.

The next year the hunter returned to rent Lawyer. "How much this
year?" he said.

"$5," the dog trainer replied.

"$5?" the hunter exclaimed. What do you mean $5? The first year
you charged $50, the second year $100 and last year $500? What
happened that Lawyer is suddenly so cheap?"

The dog trainer responded, "A couple of weeks ago a couple of
guys came in and rented Lawyer and took him out to hunt
pheasants but in the process they mistakenly called him
Judge....and now all he does is sit on his butt and bark!"

Heaven or Hell?

There once was a lawyer who lived her whole life without ever
taking advantage of any of the people she worked for. In fact,
she made sure that every case she did resulted in a win-win
situation.

One day, while walking down the street, she was tragically hit
by a bus, and she died. Her soul arrived up in Heaven, where she
was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to
Heaven," said St. Peter, "Before you get settled in, though it,
seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never
once had a lawyer make it this far and we're not really sure
what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the lawyer.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going
to do is to let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and
then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity
in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in
Heaven."

"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that, St. Peter put the
lawyer in an elevator and it went down-down-down to Hell. The
doors opened and the lawyer found herself stepping out onto the
putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a
country club and standing in front of her were all her
friends--fellow lawyers that she had worked with and they were
all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up
and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times.
They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the
country club, where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster
dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy,
and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. The lawyer
was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time
to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got
on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly
Gates, and she found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time
to spend a day in Heaven." So the lawyer spent the next 24 hours
lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She
had a great time and before she knew it, her 24 hours were up
and St. Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in Hell
and you've spent a day in Heaven. Now you must choose your
eternity."

The lawyer paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never
thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and
all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again the lawyer
went down-down-down, back to Hell. When the doors of the
elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate
wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were
dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it
in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stammered the lawyer, "yesterday I was
here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate
lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is
a wasteland of garbage, and all my friends look miserable." The
Devil looked at her and smiled, "That's because yesterday we
were recruiting you, but today you're staff."

The Old Man's Dying Wish

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his
lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is the express degree you
told me about?"

"It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you
want to become a lawyer?"

"That's my business! Get me the course!"

Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his
bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.

Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear
that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and
said, "Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to get a law
degree so badly before you died?"

In a faint whisper, as he struggled to breathe his last breath, the old
man said, "One... less... lawyer..."

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten
husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband,
"Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been
married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me
how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure
how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it
and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked
out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the
order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but
wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new
state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he
knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he
was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about
it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I
miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Which Heart?

A man who was having heart trouble went to the doctor to see
what his options were. Naturally, the doctor recommended a heart
transplant. The man reluctantly agreed, and asked if there were
any hearts immediately available, considering that money was no
object.

"I do have three hearts," said the doctor. "The first is from an
18-year old kid, non-smoker, athletic, swimmer, with a great
diet. He hit his head on the swimming pool and died. It's
$100,000. The second is from a marathon runner, 24 years old,
great condition, very strong. He got hit by a bus. It's
$150,000. The third is from a heavy drinker, cigar smoker, and a
steak lover. It's $500,000."

"Hey, why is that heart so expensive? He lived a terrible life!"

"Yeah, but it's from a lawyer and never been used."

Talk like a lawyer

The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students,
"If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"

The student replied, "Here's an orange."

The professor was outraged. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"

The student then replied, "Okay. I'd tell him 'I hereby give and convey to
you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim
and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice,
pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite,
cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and
without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or
hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or
kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding...'"

When Do You Need a New Lawyer?

1. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.

2. He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."

3. When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five
each other.

4. He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."

5. He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.

6. He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said ..."

7. He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla vs. Mothra.

8. Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one
with the little hammer, right?"

9. Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little
quotation marks in the air with his fingers.

10. Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge,
"Whatever."

Some ideas for your answering machine messages

 

Hello, you have reached the DOE, that is, the Department Of Enemies. Rick Burger is not here right now, so leave a message saying who you are, what you want to argue about, and where you'll be, and I'll be there.

This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number, and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is "supercilious".

Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline. Father Durway's not here right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and confession at the tone, he'll get back to you with absolution as soon as possible. And remember, confession doesn't count unless you confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail!

Gregorian chants in background; serene voice: Hello, Brother or Sister. You have reached the Cubicles of Curtis, Chris, and Jim. We are at Vespers and therefore answering other calls, but if you will leave your name, number, and a brief message, we will consider breaking our vow of silence to return your call. Please speak loudly, clearly, and in tongues.

Thank you for calling the Satanic Hotline. All of our operators are busy at the moment. If you would like, leave a brief message after the tone, and someone will get back to you... When hell freezes over.

To scare off annoying liberals: Hello, and thank you for calling the Bush in 50 Campaign. Your five dollar donation to get George Bush re-elected in all 50 states will automatically be charged to your phone bill. If you would like to leave a message...

You have reached the Suicide Prevention Hotline. All our lines are busy now, but if you leave your name and number, someone will get back to you as soon as possible.

Thank you for calling 911. All of our operators are currently busy. Please stay on the line, and your call will be answered in the order it was received. (Worst Muzak possible.) Thank you for holding. Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold. Or, if your little emergency isn't too serious, leave a message at the tone, and one of our crisis operators will call you back. Have a nice day.

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

You have reached the Des Moines chapter of the Iowa Procrastination Society. Please leave a message after the tone and we'll get around to it...

Theme music from Peter Gunn: My name is David. What people call me is something else entirely. I'm a P.I. It says so on my door. I would have been here to take your call, but then... she walked in. She was the kind of dame that could make Mr. Spock speak French. Her baby blues wouldn't let me turn her case down, so leave me a clue of your identity after the tone and I'll track you down. Here's lookin' at you, kid.

Thank you for calling Uncle Tom's Mortuary and Delicatessen. You stab 'em and we slab 'em. We have specials on Mondays and Thursdays. We are currently unable to come to the phone, but if you leave your number and address at the tone, we'll be by to pick up the corpse as soon as possible.

Demented, screechy voice; occasional background screams: Hello. Thank you for calling Last Straw Chiropractic. (Raspy gasp.) We can't come to the phone right now because we're making a couple of adjustments. (Break a few small twigs; big scream.) Please leave your name and number and we'll get back to you as soon as it is humanly possible. Thank you very much.

Stoned, slow voice: Hey brother, you have reached the Narcotics Information Hotline. None of us can answer the phone right now, 'cause we're trying to decide if it exists. Leave a message.

Comrades! Southwestern Front Headquarters is pleased to learn that your unit has re-established communications. The entire staff is currently busy discussing forthcoming operations with other units, but if you leave your unit name and how we may reach you, Chief of Staff Sterrett will contact you as soon as possible to discuss your concerns.

French monologue in the background: Around the world today, millions still speak French as either a first or second language. But with your continued support and help, we can wipe out French in our lifetime. Please leave a message in English at the tone, and remember, if someone tries to speak French to you, just say, "non".

Hello, this is the Yardmaster's Office, Valsetz and Siletz railroad (an actual railroad in Oregon). There is an emergency condition right now due to the landslide. Therefore please be advised of the following. (Another 30 seconds of talking, all of which is drowned out by a passing train.)

Thank you for phoning the Save the Sasquatch Hotline. Our operators do not exist at the moment, but if you wish to make a contribution, please leave your name, number, and the amount of your bequest at the sound of the beep, and something will get back to you shortly. Your help will enable us to bring these delightful creatures back from the brink of fantasy and find them suitable positions in the forest product industry. Your gift is, of course, reality deductible. Thank you again, and have a nice day.

Hello! This is 1-800-PRESLEY. Yes! 1-800-PRESLEY! They say the King died 10 years ago, but we know he's still out there somewhere. So... Leave your name and number and tell us where YOU saw Elvis!

Hi, dudes, this is 229-3053, the Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles' secret underground hideaway. I'm afraid we're all out just now on a desperate mission to save the Planet from boring answering machine messages, but if you know what The Shredder has done to April O'Neill, or if you know where he is, or if you can think of a decent pizza recipe, just leave your name and number and we'll ring you right back. But don't say anything yet! Enemy agents may be listening. When the computer has checked they're not eavesdropping, it will make a bleeping noise and you can speak freely.

Hello, you're caller number nine!

You are listening to 91.5 FM, KXQK. This is the Canadian Broadcorping Castration. I am your host, Fred, and I will be with you for the next 20 seconds. After that we'll play your requests. Leave yours with us, and we'll try to fit it in, given programming constraints. Thank you for listening to our show.

Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange... mother... vacation... apple... I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible.

Welcome to the Afterlife Voice Mail System. If you are trying to reach Heaven, please press 1. For Valhalla, press 2. For Hades, press 3. If you are trying to reach Nirvana, you're going about it all wrong, so we certainly can't help you. If you'd just like to leave a message for Sean, wait for the beep.

Operatic music like Rossini's "Stabbat Matter": Hi, you've reached Hell. (Screams in the background.) We're busy being cleaned by the light of eternal truth right now, so if you leave your name, number, and a brief message, we'll get back to you at the end of time.

Meat Loaf's "I'd Do Anything For Love":

And I would do anything for calls,

I promise I will call you back;

I would do anything for calls,

But I can't talk right now and that's a fact.

I'm not home right now, so I just can't answer the phone,

No way,

But I would do anything for calls,

Oh, I would do anything for calls!

Just let me know who it was who called,

And I'll call you back!

Yes, I'll call you back!

Just leave a message at the tone,

I'll hear it when I get back home,

And I will call -- you -- back!

*****************************

Cheers TV show theme song, "Where Everybody Knows your Name":

Sometimes you make a call,

Where you gotta leave your name,

'Cuz I can't come to the phone,

You gotta leave a message here,

right after the tone.

You made a call,

Where you gotta leave your name.

******************************

U2's "With or Without You":

No one's here to answer the phone,

Leave a message at the tone,

And we'll get back to you.

We'll get back to you!

******************************

"Raiders of the Lost Ark" in background: You've reached the residence of John and Tom. We can't come to the phone right now, because we're cleaning the refrigerator. Please leave your name and number, and we'll get back to you.

Hitchhikers Guide theme: The Cerius Cybernetic Corporation was happy to correct the problem of all that icky person-to-person conversation that happens when people actually pick up the phone and talk to each other. So they added the "answering machine," which will cleverly record your message and play it back at the wrong speed, to make everyone who calls you sound like they have partaken a large supply of helium. Unless your message is REALLY important, in which case, the machine simply breaks its own tape, to insure that you never get the message at all. It would be a shame to waste all this brilliant technology, so please attempt to leave a message.

Hello, this is the Computer Music Research Institute of Portland, Oregon. We can't take your call at the moment, but we would like you to leave a critique of one of our current works in progress. BEEP

Hello, this is the Brown residence. We're in the middle of a family fight right now. Leave your name and number at the beep and whoever wins will call you right back.

*********************************

Steve: Hello. Steve and Matt aren't here right now, but if...

Matt: Steve, what are you doing?

Steve: I'm leaving a phone message since we aren't here.

Matt: But you left the last one -- it's my turn.

Steve: No, I'm sure it's my turn.

Matt: No, you're wrong. It's definitely my turn.

Steve: You fool, I know it's... Wait... Matt... What are you doing with that frying pan? (BONK... THUD)

Matt: Steve is out right now, so please leave your name and number.

********************************

: Hey, would you get the phone?

2: I got the phone last time. You get the phone!

1: Well, I'm on the computer right now, so will you get it?

2: I'm in the bathroom, and besides, you're closer anyway!

1: Nicole, you always pull this garbage when it's your turn to get it!

2: Well, just let the answering machine get it then!

**********************************

Whole family crowds around, including screaming babies and noisy pets; to the tune of "Frere Jacques":

We're not here now,
We're not here now,
Don't hang up,
Don't hang up,
Leave your name and number,
Leave your name and number,
We'll call back,
We'll call back.

************************************

Hi!! You've reached Janet and Chris's room. We're not in right now. If this is our parents, we're at the library studying. Yeah, yeah, that's it, that's the ticket. If this is John, Chris is out with the girls at the party. Yeah, that's it. If this is any one else, we're at a party and you're not. Yeah, a party with the president. Yeah and the... Pope. Yeah that's it.

(Loud sounds of a massive battle; calm voice:) Hello! Due to the breakdown in the 452nd truce, the inhabitants of village 286-3589 are cowering in their bomb shelters. However, if you leave your name, number, and a message, any survivors will get back to you when the 453rd truce begins.

Please leave your name, phone number, the time you called, and your favorite color of shirts. We'll get back to you if we like the color.

***********************************

John: Brad, will you get the phone?

Brad: (Sound of frantically clattering keyboard.) I can't! I'm playing Omega!

John: Ambar, will you get the phone?

Ambar: I can't! I'm late for work! (Sound of slamming door.)

John: Aimee, will you get the phone?

Aimee: (Sound of running water.) I can't! I'm in the shower!

John: Glenn, will you get the -- (disgusted) Ah, Glenn's in Denver. Please leave a message.

********************************

A is for academics,
B is for beer.
One of those reasons is why we're not here.
So leave a message.

**********************************

Hi, this is Johan advising you that you spend WAY too much time on the phone. GO OUTSIDE... See the world, LIVE a little... Have fun.

I'm pretending that I'm marooned on a desert island with Dana Delany, Linda Carter, and Sharon Lawrence. Since I don't have a telephone there, you could leave a message in a bottle at the sound of the beep, and maybe it'll wash up on my beach in a few days. Then if the professor gets stranded here, we'll create a satellite uplink from a few coconuts and a palm leaf and I'll get right back to you.

Hello, and welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and Famous! Sam can't come to the phone right now because he's spending the week in his beautiful summer home on the French Riviera.

(Slight echo as if spoken in a large underground cave:) Help me, please help me. I'm down here in the thing you're holding in your hand. I can't get out because my leg is broken and my hand is stuck between two wires. Wait, what's that in the dark? OH NO, not a... a... a... Oh no, it IS! (Crunching noise.)

(Sound of scrap metal falling down a staircase continues through message.) Hello, we are having some technical problems right now, so we can't take your call. Please leave us a message.

(Automatic gunfire, explosions, rockets, jets; agitated voice:) I'm pinned down and can't come to the phone right now, and Bob's handling supporting fire! Leave your name and number, and a message! We'll get back to you as soon... FIRE IN THE HOLE! (BOOM!) We'll get back to you as soon as the air cover napalms the place!

Sorry... I'm far too depressed to come to the phone. If you can be bothered, leave a message after the sound of the gunshot, and maybe somebody will call you I guess... (BANG!)

Hi, I'm not sane right now, but if you leave your name, number and shoe size at the sound of the tone, I'll get back to you when and if I return to my senses.

(Frantic violin music:) Hello. You have reached 435-3949. We are currently unable to answer because we are either chasing, or being chased by, bats. Please leave a message.

(In a good Australian accent:) G'day mate. Can't come to the phone now because I'm a bit tied up with this crocodile. Just leave a message, and I'll get back to you.

Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.

You have reached 843-4734. Please hold while I process your call. (Pause.) Our extremely sophisticated computer system performed a trace on your number and was able to match it with our list of important callers. None of our staff is authorized to speak with you except for Fred, who is not here right now. Please leave your name phone number and a brief message at the tone. Thank you for calling and have a nice day.

I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.

Hi, you've reached 474-2340. Don, Kendy and Sylvia can't come to the phone right now because they've been kidnapped by aliens and replaced by android duplicates. You could leave your name and number at the tone, but I wouldn't -- you might be next! (evil laugh)

'm unable to take your call in person because I'm having an out-of-the-body experience. In fact I'm standing right behind you and I can hear everything you say. But leave me a message anyway to help me reconnect when I get back.

Marriage Quotes

AND THEY LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER …..

Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence--a life sentence.


Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.


Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.


Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.


Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.


Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.


Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.


Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "rings":

* The Engagement Ring

* The Wedding Ring

* The Suffe-Ring

* The Endu-Ring

Married life is full of excitement and frustration:

* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.

* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.

* In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.


It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.


Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.


It's true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get married!


There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.


A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.


Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?

Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.


Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.

Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!

There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"


Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.


They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.


When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.


There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through hell.


A Code of Honor: Never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless she's really attractive.


A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.


A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.


A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

A man must marry only a very pretty woman in case he should ever want some other man to take her off his hands.

Ah Mozart! He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.


Always talk to your wife while you're making love... if there's a phone handy.


An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.


And I shall love thee still my dear, Until my wife is wise.


Bachelor: the only man who has never told his wife a lie.


Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.


By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Dear Mrs, Mr, Miss, or Mr and Mrs Daneeka: Words cannot express the deep personal grief I experienced when your husband, son, father or brother was killed, wounded, or reported missing in action

Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look stout in a fur coat.


Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.


English Law prohibits a man from marrying his mother-in-law. This is our idea of useless legislation.


Feminists are OK, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.


He who knows nothing, knows nothing. But he who knows he knows nothing knows something. And he who knows someone whose friend's wife's brother knows nothing, he knows something. Or something like that.


Honolulu - it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.


Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until December 24 to do his Christmas shopping.


I am in total control, but don't tell my wife.

I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me.


I do not see the EEC as a great love affair. It is more like nine desperate middle-ages couples with failing marriages meeting at a Brussels hotel for a group grope.


I think of my wife and I think of Lot, and I think of the lucky break he got.


I tried a mail order bride, once, but she was damaged in the mail, and I had to return the unused part for my full refund.


I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about 'short' and 'cheap'?


I've been trying desperately to save my marriage for the last 35 years.


If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister?


If you are afraid of loneliness, do not marry.


If you never want to see a man again, say, "I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children..." - they leave skid marks.

If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her way.


In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy.


In marriage, the bridge gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains!


Jimmy Carter as President is like Truman Capote marrying Dolly Parton. The job is just too big for him.

Joint Checking Account: a handly little device which permits my wife to beat me to the draw.


Long engagements give people the opportunity of finding out each other's character before marriage, which is never advisable.


Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.


Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.


Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.


Man and wife make one fool.

Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover. But she can never catch him at it.


Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find anybody who'll take what I have to give.


Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute.


Marriage is a rest period between romances.


Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.


Marriage is a trip between Niagara Falls and Reno.


Marriage is an institution--but who wants to live in an institution?

Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.


Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.


Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.


Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.


Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.


Marriage still confers one very special privilege - only a married person can get divorced.


Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and around the hands and feet of the man.


Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.


Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth.


Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss..


Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.

Marry not a tennis player. For love means nothing to them.


May you be too good for the world and not good enough for your wife.


May you grow so rich your widow's second husband never has to worry about a living, God forbid.


May you live happily ever after with a poor, ugly, shrewish wife.


May you never leave your marriage alive.


May your wife be a witch who takes after her mother, and may you all live together in a one-room house.


Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.


My darling wife was always glum. I drowned her in a cask of rum, And so made sure that she would stay, In better spirits night and day.


My opinions are my wife's, and she says I'm lucky to have them.

My other wife is beautiful.


My wife doesn't care what I do away from home, as long as I don't enjoy it.


My wife has a split personality, and I hate both of them.


My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him!


My wife says if I go fishing one more time she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her.


My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way.


Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife.


No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman.


Nothing says loving like marrying your cousin!

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Nuns: Women who marry God. If they divorce Him, do they get half the universe?


Perfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands, but English women only hope to find in their butlers.


Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first.


Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.


Shotgun wedding: a case of wife or death.


Spinster: A bachelor's wife.


Suicide is belated acquiescence in the opinion of one's wife's relatives.


Question: Ted Kennedy: "Where was George?"

Answer: Dry, sober, and at home with his wife


The days just before marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book.


To heck with marrying a girl who makes biscuits like her mother--I want to marry one who makes dough like her father.

The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.


The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism are one, and that one is Marxism.

The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman.


The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.


The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature. The new theory is that men don't mature. So you might as well marry a younger one.


There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.


To keep your marriage brimming

With love in the marriage cup,

Whenever you're wrong, admit it,

Whenever you're right, shut up.

This delivery driver carries no money. His wife has it all.


We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.

We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.

What's new? Most of my wife.


When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.


Why bother with marriage? Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house.


Wife: The perfect acquisition for any gentleman feeling himself to have excessive control over his personal affairs.


You will marry into an Indian tribe and become one big Hopi family.

All marriages are happy--it's the living together afterward that causes all the problems.


Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins? He baptized one and kept the other as a control.


Disclaimer: Even my wife doesn't agree with everything I say, and she loves me dearly. My employers don't love me nearly as much as she does. Draw your own conclusions.


It was very good of God to let Carlyle and Mrs Carlyle marry one another and so make only two people miserable instead of four, besides being very amusing.


May you be blessed with a wife so healthy and strong, she can pull the plow when your horse drops dead.


May you learn to perform miracles: earn a living and marry off your daughters.


May your daughters marry men of substance: gypsies with two bears.


Sign in a marriage counselor's window: "Out to lunch - Think it over."


The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage.


There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards - only physics and war hold him in check. And the wife who wants him home by five, of course.