Women's Language

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A must-read for all men.
Keywords and their meanings: 

FINE:
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel
we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to
describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of
those arguments. 

FIVE MINUTES:
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that
your football game is going to last before you take out the
trash, so it's an even trade. 

NOTHING:
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing"
is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting
to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing"
usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and
end with a huffy "Fine." 

GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows):
This is a dare, one that will result in my getting upset over
"Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine." 

GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows):
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't
care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a few
minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to
you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off. 

(LOUD SIGH):
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal
statement very misunderstood by men.
A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment
and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
arguing with you over "Nothing." 

(SOFT SIGH):
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one
of the few things that some men actually understand. She is
content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will
stay content. 

OH!:
This exclamation, followed by any statement, is trouble.
Example:
"Oh, let me get that." Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you
were doing last night."
If she says "Oh" before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the
nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is
done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her
to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a
sentence usually signifies that you are
caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you
will get raised eyebrows and "Go ahead" followed by acts so
unspeakable that we can't bring ourselves to write about them. 

THAT'S OK:
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can
say to a man. "That's OK" means that she wants to think long and
hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you
have done.
"That's OK" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in
conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go ahead." At some point in
the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going
to be in some mighty big trouble. 

PLEASE DO:
This is not a statement; it is an offer. A woman is giving you
the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have
for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair
chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a
"That's OK." 

THANKS:
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say, "You're
welcome." 

THANKS A LOT:
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks
A LOT," when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that
you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by
the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the
"Loud Sigh," as she will only
say "Nothing."
I hope this clears up any misunderstandings...

Dumb Pick up lines

All those curves, and me with no brakes. 

Are your legs tired? You've been running through my mind all day long. 

Bond. James Bond. 

Can I borrow a quarter? I want to call my mom and tell I just met the girl of my dreams. 

Can I borrow a quarter? I want to call your mother and thank her. 

Can I buy you a car? 

Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

Can I flirt with you? 

Can I have directions to your heart? 

Can I have your phone number? I seem to have lost mine. 

Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again? 

Do you have a quarter? My mother told me to call home when I met the girl of my dreams. 

Do you know what'd look good on you? Me. 

Do you like apples? How about I take you home and screw the hell out of you, how'd you like them apples? 

Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I? 

Do you take it up the ass? 

Do you want to go out for a pizza and a screw? What, don't you like pizza? 

Forget that. Playing doctor is for kids. Let's play gynecologist.

Hi, do you know why you should masturbate with these two fingers? Because they're mine. 

I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock. 

Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti, let's go screw 

Screw me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to kiss me? 

Screw me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda?

Sex is a killer, so do you want to die happy? 

That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too. 

Want to screw like bunnies? 

I think we must make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels now.

What Women Say & What They Mean

Can't we just be friends?

There is no way in hell I am going to let any part of your bodytouch mine, again.

I just need some space...without you in it.

Can you help me with my homework?

If I keep whining, the fool will do it for me.

Do I look fat in this dress?

We haven't had a fight in a whlile.

No, pizza's fine.

Cheap bastard.

I just don't want a boyfriend now

I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.

I don't know; what do you want?

I can't believe you don't have anything planned.

Come here

My puppy does this too.

I like you but...

I don't like you.

You never listen.

You never listen.

We're moving too quickly

I am not going to sleep with you until I find out if the guy with the convertible has a g/f.

I'll be ready in a minute.

I AM ready, but I am going to make you wait because I know you will.

Oh, no, I will pay for myself.

I am just being nice; there is no way I am going dutch.

Oh Yes! Right there.

Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.

I'm just going out with the girls.

We are gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends.

There's no one else.

I am doing your brother.

Size doesn't count...

...unless I want an orgasm.

You are so nice!

You are such a wimp I could never be sexually attracted to you.

Do you love me?

Do you love me more than my husband?

Oh, these flowers are beautiful.

Can I help you spell J-E-W-E-L-R-Y?

What did you do today?

You better have a damn good reason for not calling.

We should pick it out together.

I'll choose.

Signs around the World

Sign in a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

Sign in a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

Outside a farm: HORSE MANURE 50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG 20p DO-IT-YOURSELF

In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

On a church door: THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR.(THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)

English sign in a German cafe: MOTHERS, PLEASE WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE EATING

Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales: THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW.

Outside a photographer's studio: OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO

Seen at the side of a Sussex road: SLOW CATTLE CROSSING. NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.

Outside a disco: SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME

 

Sign warning of quicksand: QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.

 

Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish: DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER 

Notice in a dry cleaner's window: ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL DISPOSED OF.

 

Sign on motorway garage: PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS

 

Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

 

Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

 

Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

 

Notice in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

 

Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILLTELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

 

Sign on a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

 

Sign at Norfolk farm gate: BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT

 

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

Top Things To Say When Calling A Psychic Hotline

1. Call on a cell phone, from an elevator and ask them if they
know what floor your on.

2. Ask them why they need to ask your name.

3. Get two cell phones (One a friend's, another yours) and call
under to different names. Curse at them for not noticing you had
a split personality.

4. Tell them you see ghosts, then ask why. Let the conversation
flow then scream loudly and say that you think your dick just
died.

5. Tell them to guess your Grandpa's name, then make one up that
has a hidden message (Ex. Licking, Bill)

6. When telling them what you think, say, "Well, Batman...(etc)"

7. Tell them your name then repeatedly change it in subtle ways
(I'm Jack, how are you? Well my Grandpa named me Chad.)

8. Blurt out useless information (Did ya notice how the word HOW
is WHO spelled differently?)

9. Ask them if they know how many times you've jerked off today.

10. If your a women, how many times you have had an orgasm today.

11. If they guess incorrectly, scream loudly and call them
retarded.

12. If they guess correctly, begin to cry and say god will never
forgive me! If they try to comfort you, threaten them.

13. Ask where they are located, then tell them to open the
package that ticks but cutting the red wire...

14. Ask them if they know if their refrigerator is running.

15. If your a man, go into the bathroom and urinate as
powerfully as you can so they can hear you.

16. If your a woman ask them what is the best day to breast
feed, now that the child cant seem to get enough of it. Then
tell them his 20th birthday is tomorrow.

17. Belch into the receiver then scream and ask them what was
that. If they say it was you, ask who the hell is the psychic
here?

18. Tell them your outside the building in a red van, the one
with the big black box in the passenger seat. Then yell at them
when they say it isn't there, because they are looking out the
wrong window.

19. Ask if an AK47 kills psychos better, then correct yourself
and say psychics.

20. Fart into the receiver then ask them what they did that for.
Curse loudly then slam the receiver down.