Strange But True

 

Cuba's humming bird is 5.7cm long, weighs 14.2 g, lays eggs which are 0.6cm long and will fight birds 4 to 5 times bigger than itself.
***
The nose of a dog is so sensitive that it can tell the difference between a tub of water and a tub of water with a teaspoon of salt in it.
***
23 percent of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them to photocopy their butts or genitals.
***
Whale eyes are the size of a grapefruit.
***
Robots can carry out surgery while the surgeon watches a video and directs the robot from a computer.
***
Ants stretch when they wake up. They also appear to yawn in a very human manner before taking up the tasks of the day.
***
Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were seventh cousins.
***
1961 was the most recent year that could be written upside-down and right side-up and appear the same.
***
Sponge Candy was invented in Buffalo, NY.
***
Revolvers cannot be silenced because of all the noisy gasses which escape the cylinder gap at the rear of the barrel.
***

Napolean conducted his battle plans in a sandbox.
***
Armadillos can be house broken.
***
Sharks are immune to cancer.
***
Horses lift their heads up high to look at something far into the distance. To see things that are closer, they lower their heads.
***
They have square watermelons in Japan. They stack better.
***
The world's tallest roller coaster is located in England and reaches a peak height of 72 meters
***
One in five of the world's 2.5 million medical doctors are Russian.
***
Man releases over a billion tons of pollutants into the Earth's atmosphere every year.
***
The YKK on the zipper of your Levis stands for Yoshida Kogyo Kabushibibaisha, the world's largest zipper manufacturer.
***
One of the ingredients in ice cream is seaweed.

Quotes

 

Life leads us to many roads, all of which we can take (Thomas Michlich)
***
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most do
***
Joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are (Marianne Williamson)
***
The grass may look greener on the other side but it still needs to be mowed (Unknown)
***
The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated (William James)
***
Someday is not a day of the week (Anonymous)
***
The greatest good you can do for others is not just show your riches but to reveal to them their own (Benjamin Disraeli)
***
The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated (William James)
***
I would much rather live with disappointment than regret (Andre Agassi)
***
Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up (Thomas Edison)
***

If your actions create a legacy that inspires others to dream more, learn more, do more, and become more, then you are an excellent leader (Dolly Parton)
***
Over every mountain there is a path, although it may not be seen from the valley (James Rogers)
***
Success is how high you bounce when you hit bottom (General George Patton)
***
Strong lives are motivated by dynamic purposes (Kenneth Hildebrand)
***
Play hard, do your best, give it all you have. You will always be the winner (Mark Sth Carolina)
***
Marriage is like a cage
***
Luck sometimes visits a fool, but it never sits down with him (German Proverb)
***
Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear (Mark Twain)
***
This is not a dress rehearsal. This is it! (Tom Cunningham)
***
Life leads us to many roads, all of which we can take (Thomas Michlich)

Wacky Words

 

fulminate, To 'thunder', to denounce scathingly.
***
doff, to take off or lift up, to rid oneself of.
***
gravitas, High seriousness, sobriety.
***
philology - the study of literature and related subjects, including the use of language in literature or the historical development in languages
***
sang-froid, coolness and composure, especially in trying circumstances.
***
nemophilist, one who is fond of forest or forest scenery or a haunter of the woods.
***
gravamen - the material or significant part of a grievance or complaint
***
osmic - Of or relating to odors or the sense of smell
***
baedeker, a guidebook to countries or a country.
***
gesundheit - used to wish good health especially to one who sneezed
***
apprise, to give notice to, to inform.
***
zephyr, The west wind, A mild breeze.
***
persiflage, Light banter, frivolous discussion.
***
sough, To make a soft murmuring or rustling sound.
***
vernal, Fresh, youthful.
***
dissimulate, to feign, to pretend.
***
cryptography - the coding and decoding of secret messages
***
malinger - to pretend incapacity - as illness, so as to avoid duty or work
***
acrimony, bitter, harsh, or biting sharpness.
***
staid, sober, grave, steady, sedate, composed.

Interesting Concepts

 

-If you choke a Smurf, what colour does it turn?
-Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
-What do chickens think we taste like?
-What do people in China call their good plates?
-What do you call a male ladybug?
-What hair colour do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
-When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
-Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
-Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
-Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
-Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
-Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
-Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
-Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?
-Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes?
-Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?
-Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
-How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?
-If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it have locks on the door?
-Why is a bra singular and panties plural?
-You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes, Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
-If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter fight?
-If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?
-If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?

interesting letters

Playgirl Rejection Letter



May 3^rd 2013


PLAYGIRL, INC.


Dear Mrs. Smith,

We wish to thank you for your letter and the polaroid picture
of your husband. We agree that his appearance in our March issue as
the Playgirl's Man of the Month centerfold would have been a truly
fitting way for you to honor your 75th anniversary of wedded bliss,
and as a life-time memento on his birthday.

We submitted the picture to our various panels of judges, as
it is our routine procedure, with the following results:

When rated by our panel of average American women (ages 25 to
40) on a scale from 1 to 10 (10 being the highest), his body was rated
a -2.

To further justify our ratings, we submitted your photograph
to another panel of women in the age bracket of 45 to 100. We couldn't
get them to stop laughing long enough to take the time to rate him.

The old American women panel, aged 70 to 100, widowed for over
twenty years, said We'll retain our widowed status!

The Organization of Nude Portrait Painters (thinking perhaps
they could touch up the picture), said We can't perform miracles!

We therefore regret that we will not be able to satisfy your
request for John on his 75th wedding anniversary. We do, however,
invite you to submit other pictures for Playgirl's centerfold. Please
be advised that the minimum requirement is that the staple used to
hold the centerfold in place in the magazine cannot completely
obliterate what we refer to as the item of interest as it would in
John's case.

Yours truly,

Jane Brown
Playgirl, Inc.

THANK YOU

Thank you to all my friends who sent me such important emails this year!
It's so wonderful that you included me in your quest to inform!

Because of all of you I stopped drinking Coca-Cola after I found out
from you that it's good for removing toilet stains and rusting the
arse out of 40-gallon drum.

I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected
with a disease.

I smell like a homeless f*@k, but thank goodness I stopped using
deodorant because you said it causes cancer.

I don't leave my car in any parking lot even though I sometimes have
to walk about seventeen blocks, because you said that someone might
drug me with a perfume sample and then try to rob me.

I also stopped answering the phone because you said that they will ask
me to dial a stupid number and then I get a high phone bill with
calls to Uganda, Singapore, Tokyo and maybe the Mars Rover.

I stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because you told me they are
nothing more than horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers that
are bred in a lab so that places like McDonalds and KFC can sell their
wares.

I also stopped drinking anything out of a can - you said that I would
get sick from the rat faeces and urine.

When I go to parties, I now don't mix with anybody or talk to anybody
- you said that someone would take my kidneys and leave me taking a
nap in a bathtub full of ice.

However, the police are also after me at present because you said not
to pull over, as they could be fake policemen trying to kidnap me.

I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I wrote, in anticipation of
the USD15,000 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I
participated in their special e-mail program.

It's weird, though, that my new free cell phone never arrived, and
neither did the passes for my paid vacation to Disneyland. But I am
positive that all this is because of the chain I broke or forgot to
follow and I got a curse.


What to Do With All Those Free Soaps When Travelling This is some correspondence which actually occurred between a London hotel's staff and one of its guests. The London hotel involved submitted this to the Sunday Times. No name was mentioned. Dear Maid, Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank you, S. Berman
-------------------------------------------------------
 Dear Room 635, I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory. Kathy, Relief Maid
 --------------------------------------------------------
Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid. Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them. S. Berman
---------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman, My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of further assistance. Your regular maid, Dotty
---------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman, The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you. Elaine Carmen Housekeeper
---------------------------------------------------------
Dear Miss Carmen, It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 745 AM and don't get back before 530 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me? S. Berman
--------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman, Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you, Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
 ------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Kensedder, My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets. S. Berman
------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman, I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience. Martin L. Kensedder Assistant Manager
--------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mrs. Carmen, Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one d*mn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial. S. Berman
 ------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman, You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic). I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room. Elaine Carmen Housekeeper
-------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mrs. Carmen, Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess: - On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2. - On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3. - On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4. - Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2. - In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist. - On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used. - On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3. Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings. S. Berman

Business Facts

All you ever needed to know about work

The road to success is always under construction.

A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and hours are lost.

If you tell your boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

When you try to prove to someone that something won't work, it will.

As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.

Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.

The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.

The attention span of a computer is only as long as its power cord.

An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.

Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.

The first myth of management is that it exists.

A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.

To err is human, to blame somebody else shows good management skills. (thanks to Jordan)

New systems generate new problems.

A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.

Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work.

Some people manage by the book - even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book.

The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the manufacturer and impossible for the serviceman.

To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and will cost the most.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

Any design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development.

A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works.

If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number.

Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.

If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.

The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the odds that the competition already has the order.

If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.

If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

When all else fails, read the instructions.

If there is a possibility of several things going wrong the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.

Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way.

Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it.

The degree of technicalcompetence is inversely proportional to the level of management.

A difficult task will be halted near completion by one tiny, previously insignificant detail.

There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it over.

The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches. 

If there is ever the possibility of several things to go wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.

If something breaks, and it stops you from doing something, it will be fixed when you no longer need it; are in the middle of something else; or don't want it to be fixed because now you don't want to do what you were supposed to do.

The more urgent the need for a decision to be made, less apparent becomes the identity of the decision maker.

It is never wise to let any piece of electronic equipment know that you are in a hurry.

Don't fix something that ain't broke, 'cause you'll break it and you still can't fix it.

If you are not thoroughly confused, you have not been thoroughly informed.

Standard parts are not.

Interchangeable tapes aren't.

Never trust modern technology. Trust it only when it is old technology.

For any given software, as soon as you master it, a new version of that software appears.

The new version always manages to change the one feature you need most.

In today's technical environment, it is a requirement that we forget more than we learn.

It is simple to make something complex, and complex to make something simple.

Measurements will be quoted in the least practical unit; velocity, for example, will be measured in 'furlongs-per-fortnight'.

An expert will always state the obvious.

The chance a copy machine will break down is proportional to the importance of the material that needs to be copied and inversely proportional to the amount of time till the material will be needed.

A maintenancedepartment will neglect a customer's complaints until it starts installations on the customer's new projects.

If it works in theory, it won't work in practice. If it works in practice, it won't work in theory.

No matter how clever and complete your research is, there is always someone who knows more.

The less intelligent the idea, and the person stating it, the more likely it will be funded.

A man with one watch is certain about time. A man with two watches isn't.

The more knowledge you gain, the less certain you are of it.

Technicians are the only ones that don't trust technology.

The more you want to contact someone over an instant messinger is inversely proportional to the chances that they will be online.

The more important your email is, the worse your email program will screw it up.

The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

50 Facts About Women

1. Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel like they're actually in control.

2. Women especially love a bargain. The question of "need" is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.

3. Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you "just don't understand".

4. Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.

5. Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty. 

6. Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.

7. Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.

8. Women don't need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the man *wants* to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need.

9. Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.

10. Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.

11. Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.

12. Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling.

13. Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an "on/off" switch.

14. Women think all beer is the same.

15. Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.

16. Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things *could* be. 

17. If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.

18. Women brush their hair *before* bed.

19. Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good idea about how she'll be in bed.

20. Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modeling.

21. Women are *never* wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, "It's there in the Bible". Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?

22. Women do *not* know anything about cars. "Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?"

23. Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet. Men just get a large bowl to share.

24. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

25. Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

26. Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

27. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail. 

28. Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.

29. Women don't try as hard as men during sex; after all, they don't fall asleep afterwards.

30. Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'

31. PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter. (Or at least men think it means that. PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse.

32. The first naked man women see is "Ken".

33. Women are insecure about their weight, butt, and breast sizes. 

34. Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn. 

35. "Oh, nothing," has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.

36. Lewis Carroll's Caterpillar had nothing on women.

37. Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.

38. All women are overweight by definition; don't agree with them about it. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain.

39. If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, "What did you do?"

40. Only women understand the reason for "guest towels" and the "good china".

41. Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those rights. All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check.

42. Only women understand the reason for "guest towels" and the "good china".

43. If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys. (which gets them in more trouble)

44. Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they "left the seat up" instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.

45. Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.

46. Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you?

47. Women fake orgasm because men fake foreplay.

48. It's okay for women to dance with each other and not be gay, You don't see straight men dancing together.

49. Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they'll go out and spend more time checking out other women. Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women.

50. The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party. You don't hear men say, "Oh-my-GOD, there's another man wearing a black tux, get me outta here!"

Men and Women Compared

NICKNAMES 

If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.
If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately call each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy. 

EATING OUT 

When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though its only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. 

MONEY 

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item she doesn't want. 

BATHROOMS 

A man has 6 items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. 

ARGUMENTS 

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. 

CATS 

Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. 

FUTURE 

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. 

SUCCESS 

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man. 

MARRIAGE 

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does. 

DRESSING UP 

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. 

NATURAL 

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night. 

OFFSPRING 

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. 

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY 

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

THE DAILY GUIDE TO BURNING CALORIES

 Beating around the bush - 75
Jumping to conclusions - 100
Climbing the walls - 150
Swallowing your pride - 50
Passing the buck - 25
Throwing your weight around (depending on your weight) - 50-300
Dragging your heels - 100
Pushing your luck - 250
Making mountains out of molehills - 500
Hitting the nail on the head - 50
Wading through paperwork - 300
Bending over backwards - 75
Jumping on the bandwagon - 200
Balancing the books - 25
Running around in circles - 350
Eating crow - 225
Tooting your own horn - 25
Climbing the ladder of success - 750
Pulling out the stops - 75
Adding fuel to the fire - 160
Wrapping it up at the day's end - 12
Opening a can of worms - 50
Putting your foot in your mouth - 300
Covering your tracks - 165
Starting the ball rolling - 90
Going over the edge - 25
Picking up the pieces after - 350
Counting eggs before they hatch - 6
Cracking a smile - 35
Calling it quits - 2
Going to Hell in a handbasket – 2

 SOME NICE LAWS

 Oliver's Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

Orben's Packaging Discovery: For the first time in history, one bag of groceries produces two bags of trash.

Osborn's Law: Variables won't, constants aren't.

Ozman's Laws: (1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he won't. (2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they make. (3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. (4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth.

O'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen: Cleanliness is next to impossible

O'Toole's Commentary On Murphy's Law: Murphy was an optimist.

Parkinson's Laws: First Law - Work expands to fill the time available for its completion. Second Law - Expenditures rise to meet income. Fourth Law - The number of people in any working group tends to increase regardless of the amount of work to be done. Law of Committees - The amount of time spent by a committee on an agenda item is inversely proportional to the cost of the item. Fifth Law - If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good bureaucracy, public or private, will find it. Sixth Law - Action expands to fill the void created by human failure.

Hugh Downs' Four Rules for Investigating the Universe: Rule 1 - When confronted with an apparent infinite or infinitely repeating pattern, expect some variant that keeps it from being infinite. Rule 2 - When all investigation supports Rule 1, look for a situation which violates it. Rule 3 - Be prepared for an infinite oscillation between Rules 1 and 2. Rule 4 - Apply Rule 1.

Drew's Law of Highway Biology: The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front of your eyes.

Ducharme's Axiom: If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize yourself as part of the problem.

Ducharme's Precept: Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.

Emersons' Law of Contrariness: Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.

Estridge's Law: No matter how large and standardized the marketplace is, IBM can redefine it.

Fett's Law: Never replicate a successful experiment.