TODAY LAST ROUND OF IDEAS FOR YOUR ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES

Sorry that we're not at home.
Please leave a message after the tone.
When we get in,
We'll give you a ring.
Until then, wait by the phone.

Hello, this is Marlin's answering machine reminding you that yesterday was the last day of the previous period of your life. After the beep you can tell me how it was, or leave some other, informative message. Thanks.

(Jack Webb voice:) This is the city. Lambertville, New Jersey. I work here. I carry a tune. I was changing my name to protect my innocence when I got a call about a 411. It sounded like good information to me. But I needed more. A name and a number. So leave yours and I'll return your call. Or I can send you a FAX. Nothing but the FAX, ma'am. (Hum the "Dragnet" theme...)

Knock, knock. (Pause. Caller thinks, "Who's there?") Isn't that MY question? (Pause.) Please leave a message...

Yo. I ain't here at the moment. Leave a message at that silly beep and I'll get back... (Sniff, sniff...) Hey, what are you cooking? It smells good.

I can't come to the phone now, so... Hey -- that's a nice phone you have there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet you have answering machines bothering you all the time... Yes indeedy. Why don't you give me a call sometime and we can listen to some old recordings... I might even play my beep for you.

Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? -- Captain, there is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven, do you want it on screen?

(Star Trek theme in the background:)

(Voice 1:) Room 17, the final frontier.

(Voice 2:) These are the messages of Chad's answering machine. Its two semester mission: To seek out your name and your telephone number.

(Voice 3:) To boldly inform you to wait for the tone.

Thank you for calling Starfleet Command. No starships are in the quadrant at this time, so at the sound of the subspace tone, tell us your name, the planet you are calling from, and how many Klingons are attacking.

(Bad imitations:)

Picard: Assume standard orbit, Mr. LaForge. Sensor readings, Lieutenant?

Worf: Scanning, Captain... Strange... No life-forms.

Picard: Recommendations, Mr. Data?

Data: Intriguing, Captain. Perhaps we should simply leave a message.

(Borg voice:) WE ARE BORG. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOUR PHONE CALL, AS IT HAS BEEN, IS NOW OVER. YOUR MESSAGE WILL BE ASSIMILATED AT THE BEEP. But we're not home right now. So leave a message and we'll assimilate you later.

Borg communications router. Unit addressed unavailable. Hails are irrelevant. Messages are irrelevant. You are irrelevant. Nonetheless, leave message if you wish. Wait for indicative, high frequency, acoustic spike... (Background:) Error, error! Wishes are irrelevant. Acoustic spikes are irrelevant.

(Chekov's voice:) Oh Keptin! It was Khan! He made us do things... Say things we did not vant to say... But we vere strong, Keptin! Ve held out until ve heard the beep...

Hello, you've reached 344-1312, the Apartment at the End of the Universe. Please leave your message, name and number at the sound of the tone. Keep your hands, feet, extremities, and obscenities inside the car at all times. Enjoy your ride.

Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can't come to the phone right now. He's either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your name and number after the beep and he will return your call.

A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler in the 23rd century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the future.

You have reached the offices of the planet Zarton. All our agents are busy undermining the governments of the Earth and cannot come to phone at the moment. However, your name and number can be left at the tone and a representative will gladly contact you shortly to arrange for your assimilation into the new order. Long groblint the ultimate blenstron.

Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message, I'll have him call you back as soon as he gets away. Read all about it in next week's National Enquirer.

Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. So leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my component particles have been restored to their normal charges.

(For Shakespeare lovers only:)
So long as phones can ring and eyes can see,
So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.

I am not home to talk to you,
But please don't be a creep.
Just leave your name and number,
At the sound of the...

You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep.

These words are lovely dark and deep
But I've got promises to keep
and miles to go before I sleep
So leave a message at the beep.

Now I lay me down to sleep;
Leave a message at the beep.
If I die before I wake,
Remember to erase the tape.

Now I lay me down to sleep;
Leave a message at the beep.
If I die before I wake,
Remember to erase the tape.

WHAT A FRIENDS ARE FOR (PART 1)

A real friend is someone who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.
-- Proverb

Sometimes just a smile on our face,
Can help to make this world a better place.
Stand up for the things that are right.
Try to talk things out instead of fight.
Lend a hand when you can, get involved this is good.
You can help to make a difference in your neighbourhood.
-- Robert Alan

No distance of place or lapse of time can lessen the friendship of those who are thoroughly persuaded of each other's worth.
-- Robert Southey

The road to a friends house is never too long.
-- Danish Proverb

The ideal friendship is to feel as one while remaining two.
-- Anne Sophie Swetchine

Dont walk in front of me, I may not follow; don�t walk behind me, I may not lead; walk beside me, and be my friend.
-- Albert Camus

Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you say. Best friends listen to what you don't say.
-- Source Unknown

The most precious possession that ever comes to a man in this world is a woman's heart.
-- Jaime H. Young

No woman/man is worth your tears and the only one who is, will never make you cry.
-- Source Unknown

If all my friends were to jump off a bridge, I wouldn't jump with them, I'd be at the bottom to catch them.
-- Source Unknown

It takes a minute to have a crush on someone, an hour to like someone and a day to love someone but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.
-- Source Unknown

The greatest sweetener of human life is Friendship. To raise this to the highest pitch of enjoyment, is a secret which but few discover.
-- Joseph Addison

The only way to have a friend is to be one.
-- Source Unknown

A friend drops their plans when you're in trouble, shares joy in your accomplishments, feels sad when you're in pain. A friend encourages your dreams and offers advice--but when you don't follow it, they still respect and love you.
-- Doris Wild Helmering

Choose your friends carefully. Your enemies will choose you.
-- Yasser Arafat

The heart may think it knows better: the senses know that absence blots people out. We really have no absent friends. The friend becomes a traitor by breaking, however unwillingly or sadly, out of our own zone: a hard judgment is passed on him, for all the pleas of the heart.
-- Elizabeth Bowen

I have a friend who tells a tale With statements parenthetical; To start at the beginning must To her seem quite heretical; For her accounts of happenings Are full of disconnection s; She starts them in the middle, And proceeds in all directions.
-- Erica H. Stux

I'm always there to tell people that their life is not that bad. I wish it was easy to follow that advice It is important to our friends to believe that we are unreservedly frank with them, and important to friendship that we are not.
-- Mignon McLaughlin

There is no more lovely, friendly, and charming relationship, communion, or company than a good marriage.
-- Martin Luther

There is nothing more noble or admirable than when two people who see eye to eye keep house as man and wife, confounding their enemies and delighting their friends. Homer, Odyssey
-- Odyssey Homer

You must go to bed with friends or whores, where money makes up the difference in beauty or desire.
-- W. H. Auden

The most I can do for my friend is simply be his friend.
-- Henry David Thoreau

Little friends may prove great friends.
-- Aesop

We can not do great things. We can only do little things with great love.
-- Mother Teresa