Language Differences

DICTIONARY
FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
 
40-ish
49
Adventurous
Slept with everyone
Athletic
No tits
Average  looking
Ugly
Beautiful
Pathological liar
Contagious
Smile
Does a lot of pills
Emotionally Secure
On medication
Feminist
Fat
Free  spirit

Friendship
first
Former slut
Fun
Annoying
New-Age
Body  hair in
the wrong places
Old-fashioned
No BJs
Open-minded
Desperate
Outgoing
Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate
Sloppy drunk
Professional
Bitch
Voluptuous
Very Fat
Large  frame

Wants Soul  mate
Stalker

WOMEN'S
ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe =  No
4. We  need = I want..
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead =  You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset =  Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're  certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever
think about?

MEN'S
ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am  hungry
2. I  am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you =  Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with  you!
8. Can I  call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you!
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd  like to have sex with
you!
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you!
11. I don't think those shoes  go with that outfit = I'm gay! 

Why it's great to be a man!

Reasons why it's great to be a man:

Your butt is never a factor in a job interview.

Your orgasms are real. Always.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be president.

You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You don't give a crap if no one notices your new haircut.

Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.

Same work ... more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.

If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

Porn movies are designed with you in mind.

Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with "So, notice anything different?"

One mood, ALL the damn time.

Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat!

You know stuff about tanks.

You can open all your own jars.

Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.

You can go to a public toilet without a support group.

You can leave the motel bed unmade.

You can kill your own food.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.

You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."

No maxi-pads.

You don't mooch off other's desserts.

You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

Benefits of Being a Woman

1. Women got off the Titanic first.

2. Women can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder
excuses.

3. Women get to flirt with systems support men who always return their
calls, and are nice to them when they blow up their computers.

4. A women's boy friend's clothes make them look elfin and gorgeous -
guys look like complete idiots in a women's cloths.

5. Women can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

6. Women can cry and get off speeding fines.

7. Women have never lusted after a cartoon character or the central
figure in a computer game.

8. Taxis stop for women.

9. Men die earlier, so women get to cash in on the life insurance.

10. Women don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

11. Women get Free drinks.

12. Women get Free dinners.

13. Women get Free movies (you get the point).

14. Women can hug their friends without wondering if the friend thinks
there gay.

15. Women can hug their friends without wondering about their own
sexuality.

16. New lipstick gives women a whole new lease on life.

17. Condoms make no significant difference in women's enjoyment of sex.

18. If women aren't not making enough money they can blame the glass
ceiling.

19. It's possible for a woman to live their whole lives without ever
taking a group shower.

20. No fashion faus pas a women make could ever rival The Speedo.

21. Women don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.

22. Women never have to wonder if their parteners orgasm was real.

23. If women forget to shave, no one has to know.

24. Women can congratulate a teammate without ever touching her ass.

25. If women have a zit, they know how to conceal it.

26. Women never have to reach down every so often to rearrange their
privates.

27. If women are dumb, some people will find it cute.

28. Women don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

29. Women have the ability to dress themselves.

30. Women have an excuse to be a total bitch at least once a month.

31. Women can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to
picture them naked.

32. If women marry someone 20 years younger, their aware that they look
like an idiot.

33. Women's friends won't think their weird if they ask whether there's
spinach in their teeth.

34. With women there are times when chocolate really can solve all your
problems.

35. Gay waiters don't make women uncomfortable.

36. Women will never regret piercing their ears.

37. Women can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

38. Women will never discover we've been duped by a Wonderbra.

39. Women know which drinking glass was ours by the lipstick mark.

Woman's instructions

THE WOMAN'S COMPACT INSTRUCTION BOOK

Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.

Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.

Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.

If they can put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all there.

Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.

Never let your man's mind wander - its too little to be left out alone.

Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

Never marry a man for money. You'll have to earn every penny.

Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books.

A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "Oh all right, I'll stay the night".

Women sleep with men who, if they were women, they wouldn't even have bothered to have lunch with.

Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.

If he asks you if you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practicing.

When he asks you if he's your first tell him, "You may be, you look familiar."

NEW Ideas About Science

The beguiling ideas about science quoted here were gleaned from essays, exams, and classroom discussions. Most were from 5th and 6th graders. They illustrate Mark Twain's contention that the 'most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.

Q: What is one horsepower?
A: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.

You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.

Talc is found on rocks and on babies.

The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.

When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.

When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.

Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.

While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating. [this guy is going to do well in college! *haha* ...Lj]

Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.

South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.

Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.

Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.

A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever.

There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up there these days.

Lime is a green-tasting rock.

Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.

Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.

Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.

Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.

Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.

We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.

In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's.

Clouds are high flying fogs.

I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.

Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do.

Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.

Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.

We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe.

Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.

Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.

Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the strongest man.

A blizzard is when it snows sideways.

A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.

A monsoon is a French gentleman.

Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.

It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places.

The wind is like the air, only pushier.

Signs your burned out

"Top Ten Signs You Are 'Burned Out' Because of Work"

You're so tired you now answer the phone, "Hell."

Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, "Get off my back, jerk!"

Your garbage can IS your "in" box.

You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care.

You have so much on your mind, you've forget often how to think.

Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through ...er.... Monday.

You sleep more at work than at home.

You leave for a party and instinctively take your ID badge.

Your Day Timer exploded a week ago.

You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.

 You know you are a teacher if...

You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.
You find humor in other people's stupidity.
You want to slap the next person who says "Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free."
You believe chocolate is a food group.
You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
You believe "Shallow gene pool" should have its own box in the report card.
You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today.
When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior.
You have no life between August to June.
When you mention "Vegetables" you're not talking about a food group.
You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.
You believe in aerial spraying of Prozak.
You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in an elementary setting for the last 10 years.
You've ever had your profession slammed by someone who would "Never DREAM" of doing your job.
You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.
You know you are in for a major project when a parent says "I have a great idea I'd like to discuss. I think it would be such fun."
You want to choke a person when he or she says "Oh, you must have such FUN everyday. This must be like playtime for you."
Meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question "Why is this kid like this?"

Why Dogs Don't Use Computers


Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.

Fetch command not available on all platforms.

Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.

Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.

Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."

Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.

Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.

Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.

Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.

Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.

Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.

Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome

Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...

Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.

SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.

SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!

Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manuever.

Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.

Too Hard To Type With Paws