How to poop at work

Keep the following in mind when going poopies at work...We've all been there, but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. 

WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the 2000 Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE - Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leakat the urinal or forcing a poop in the stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic and embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not
acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE) - Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace.This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH - Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom.This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME - Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in andbusts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that thesmell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER - Definition: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN) - Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS - Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR - Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all
uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH - Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This canbe used to cover up a WATERMELON or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE - Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON - Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. SEE CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET - Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED - Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees. 

FLY BY - Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful  not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

Memorandum

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers, therefore, a list of preferred new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

PREFERRED: Perhaps I can work late.
OLD: When the fuck do you expect me to do this?

PREFERRED: I'm certain that is not feasible.
OLD: No fucking way.

PREFERRED: Really?
OLD: You've got to be shitting me.

PREFERRED: Perhaps you should check with ...
OLD: Tell someone who gives a shit.

PREFERRED: Of course I'm concerned.
OLD: Ask me if I give a shit.

PREFERRED: I wasn't involved in that project.
OLD: Its not my fucking problem.

PREFERRED: That's interesting behavior.
OLD: What the fuck?!

PREFERRED: I'm not sure I can implement this.
OLD: Fuck it, it won't work.

PREFERRED: I'll try to schedule that.
OLD: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner.

PREFERRED: Are you sure this is a problem.
OLD: Who the fuck cares.

PREFERRED: He's not familiar with the problem.
OLD: He's got his head up his ass.

PREFERRED: Excuse me sir?
OLD: Eat shit and die motherfucker.

PREFERRED: So you weren't happy with it?
OLD: Kiss my ass!

PREFERRED: I'm a bit overloaded at this moment.
OLD: Fuck it, I'm on salary.

PREFERRED: I don't think you understand.
OLD: Shove it up your ass.

PREFERRED: I love a challenge.
OLD: This job sucks.

PREFERRED: You want me to take care of that?
OLD: Who the hell died and made you boss.

PREFERRED: I see.
OLD: Blow me.

PREFERRED: Yes, we really should discuss it.
OLD: Another fucking meeting!

PREFERRED: I don't think this will be a problem.
OLD: I really don't give a shit.

PREFERRED: He's somewhat insensitive. 
OLD: He's a fucking prick.

PREFERRED: She's an aggressive go getter 
OLD: She's a ball busting bitch.

PREFERRED: I think you could use more training 
OLD: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.

Top 16 Signs Your Janitor is Not a Mathematical Genius

16. Only 47 different locks in the building, but 150 keys on his key ring. 

15. He's wallpapered the boiler room with old lottery tickets. 

14. For some reason, counting to five often involves a journey into the double digits. 

13. Uses WD-40 instead of Formula 409 when cleaning windows because "them big numbers is mighty scary." 

12. The two quarters, two dimes and "pretty rock from the parking lot" he gave you as change for a dollar. 

11. When told to provide two roles of toilet paper for all five bathroom stalls asks how many toilets that would be. 

10. Despite lowering his trousers, can't seem to count past 21. 

9. Take-home pay per week: $300. Price of keeping his kids in Nikes per week: $400. 

8. Somehow thought he'd be getting more from his divorce settlement with Rosanne. 

7. Says he enjoyed Wrestlemania X so much, he can't wait for Wrestlemania Y. 

6. Thinks "circumference" is a Jewish ritual and "denominator" a Schwarzenegger movie. 

5. His greatest math accomplishment? Formulated "Vern's Theorem" -- E=TP squared (Everyone loves an extra roll of toilet paper!) 

4. His "Liquid Plumber" requires precisely one 6-pack and a 30-minute wait. 

3. Couldn't remember so he had "2 parts water, 1 part Spic 'N' Span" tattooed on his forearm. 

2. His "miracle cleaner"? 40% Mr. Clean and 90% water. 

1. He tries to measure Minnie Driver's head with anything less than a yardstick.

DAILY BUSINESS

 The world is divided into two groups. There are those who know, and those who don't know. Those who know are no problem.Those who don't know are also in two groups.One is those who don't know and know they don't know. Well, they can learn!But then, there are those who don't know, and don't know they don't know. And they become unit managers!

 A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first. What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor." "That's wonderful. How about you, Amy?" Amy shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman." "Thank you, Amy" said the teacher. "What does your parent do, Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced, "Nothing. He's an economist."

When I take a long time, I am slow.When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.When I don't do it, I am lazy.When my boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.When I do it without being told, I'm trying to be smart.When my boss does the same, that is initiative.When I please my boss, that's brown-nosing.When my boss pleases his boss, that's co-operating.When I do good, my boss never remembers.When I do wrong, he never forgets.

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37.""And that's how you built an empire?" the boy asked."Heavens, no!" the man replied. "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning by almost two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work."Boss", he said, " The pill actually worked!""That's all fine" said the boss, " But where were you yesterday?"

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces his altitude and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"The man below says: "Yes, youre in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.""You must work in Technical Support," says the balloonist."I do," replies the man. "How did you know?""Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but completely useless."The man below says: "You must be in management.""I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?""Well", says the man, "you dont know where you are, or where youre going, but you expect me to be able to help. Youre still in the same position you were before we met, but now its my fault."

A college professor is explaining to his class that pleasure is a mental state, and that many people overlook the things they already have.He says, "A man who has developed a true sense of appreciation can enjoy a good bowel movement as much as having sexual intercourse."One student stands up and says, "Professor, either you don't know how to fuck, or I don't know how to shit."

"I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance ... she leaned over and pushed me."

All workers please be advised of the following changes to the travel policy.MemorandumTo:

All EmployeesFrom: HeadquartersSubject: Business Travel Policy GuidelinesDate: June 16, 2000Due to fiscal constraints, the following corporate policies are announced regarding employees on travel for official business. The purpose of these policies is to save money, thereby decreasing overhead.TransportationIf commercial transportation must be utilized, the lowest cost tickets will be purchased. Airline tickets will only be authorized for purchase in extreme circumstances and, the lowest fares will be used. If, for example, a meeting with a customer is scheduled in Seattle, but a lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle. Bus transportation will be utilized whenever possible.Hitchhiking in lieu of commercial transport is strictly encouraged. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on company business trips.LodgingAll employees are encouraged to stay with relatives or friends while on company business. If this is not possible, then cost effective alternatives should be exploited.Public areas such as parks and parking lots can be used during periods of good weather. In inclement weather, bridges may provide temporary shelter.MealsExpenditures for meals will be limited to the absolute minimum. It should be noted that grocery chains, such as "General Nutrition Centers" and "Piggly Wiggly" stores often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can often be obtained in this manner.Travelers should also become familiar with, and exploit the use of, indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources available at their destination. If restaurants must be utilized, travellers should seek establishments offering "all you can eat" salad bars. This will be especially valuable to employees travelling together, as a single plate can be used to feed one clever group.Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food while on company business. Cans of tuna fish, Spam and Beef-a-roni can be conveniently consumed at your leisure, without the unnecessary bother of heating or other costly preparation.EntertainmentEntertainment while on travel is discouraged. If such extravagances are required for business reasons, the customer should be encouraged to "pick up the tab". Such actions will save the company money and also convince the customer that we are concerned about "spending his money on providing a good product for him", not on useless overhead frivolities which can drive up our prices.Hospitality provided to our customers at our facility shall be tasteful, yet cost-effective. In lieu of frivolous dinners, a picnic bench will be placed in the parking lot complete with garden hose for liquid refreshments.MiscellaneousAll employees are encouraged to employ innovative techniques in our common effort to save corporate dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that money could be raised during airport "layover" periods which could be used to defray travel costs. In support of this idea, "Red Caps" will be issued to all employees prior to departure so that they may earn tips for helping other travellers with their luggage during such periods. Small plastic roses will also be made available to employees so that sales may be made as time permits.