FUNNY WORLD

Top Ten... Sleeping at Desk

 

10) ''They told me at the blood bank this might happen.''

9) ''This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.''

8) ''Whew! Guess I left the top off the Wite-Out. You probably got here just in time!''

7) ''I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.''

6) ''I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.''

5) ''I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stess. Do you discriminate toward people who practice Yoga?''

4) ''Dang! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.''

3) ''The coffee machine is broken...''

2) ''Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot...''

1) ''.....in Jesus' name, Amen.''

Uncle Ted's Morals

Billy's homework assignment is to think of a true story with a moral so he goes home and thinks about it all night and finally has one. The following day, Suzy raises her hand and says, "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."

The teacher asks for the moral to the story. Suzy replies, "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."
Next is Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm, too, and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched. The moral is, don't count your chicks before they are hatched.''
Billy is last to speak. He says, ''My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam War. His plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed, with only a parachute, a bottle of bourbon, a machine gun, and a machete. As he floated down he drank the bottle of bourbon. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 North Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade broke on his machete, so he killed the last 10 with his bare hands.''
The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.
Billy replies, "Don't fuck with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking.''

Watch and Learn

A rather confident young man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive young woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was testing it."
Intrigued, the woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says that you're not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles & replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"
The man exclaims, "Damn - this thing must be an hour fast!"

A Real Watch Dog

A blind man walked into a bank with his seeing-eye dog that guided him everywhere. He walked into the center of the bank floor, took the dog by the chain, and started swinging him around his head.

Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared. The other customers were taken aback and some were very upset at the way the animal was being treated. One of the tellers ran up to the blind man and asked, "Sir, what are you doing!?!"
The man turned toward the teller and said, "Oh, nothing - just looking around."

American in Mexico

There was this American tourist in Mexico, and he was getting tired of walking around, so he went up to a donkey rental place and said, ''Can I rent a donkey?'

The guy said, "We don't call them donkeys here, we call them asses. This is the only ass I have left, and you have to scratch him when you want to make him stop."

The guy rides his ass for a while, sees a hotdog stand, and asks for a hotdog. The vendor replies, "We don't call them hotdogs here we call the wieners."

Meanwhile his donkey is wandering away, so he goes up to another tourist and says "Will you hold my wiener whille I scratch my …?"

INTERNATIONAL MARKETING FLOPS - ACTUAL ACCOUNTS

Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It
shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. 

For example... 

The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."

In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."

Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came
out as "eat your fingers off."

The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got
translated in the Japanese market into "Whensmoking Salem, you feel so refreshedthat your mind seems to be free and empty."

When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was
apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figuredout why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets tothe Caribe.

Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company foundout that Pinto was Brazilian slang for"tiny male genitals". Ford pried all thenameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.

When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to
say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company's
mistakenly thought the spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the adssaid that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish market which
promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish,
the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato."

Chicken-man Frank Perdue's slogan, "It takes a tough man to make a tender
chicken," got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A photo of Perduewith one of his birds appeared on billboards all over Mexico with a caption thatexplained "It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused."

Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos
before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means "big breasts." In this case,
however, the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales.

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious
porno mag.

In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into
Schweppes Toilet Water.

Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours.

Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its
name. 

and finally...
 
In an effort to boost orange juice sales in predominantly continental breakfast eating England, a campaign was devised to extoll the drink's eye-opening, pick-me-up qualities. Hence, the slogan, "Orange juice. It gets your pecker up."

Project Managers

If you get in my way, I'll kill you!
- ideal project manager 

If you get in my way, you'll kill me!
- somewhat less than ideal project manager 

If I get in my way, I'll kill you!
- somewhat misguided project manager 

If I get in your way, I'll kill you!
- A tough project manager (eats glass, live cats, etc.) 

If get kill in will way I you.
- dyslexic, functionally illiterate project manager 
 
I am the way! Kill me if you can!
- messianic project manager 

Get away, I'll kill us all!
- suicidal project manager 

If you kill me, I'll get in your way.
- thoughtful but ineffective project manager 

If I kill you, I'll get in your way.
- project manager who has trouble dealing with the obvious 

If a you getta ina my way, I gonna breaka you arm.
- project manager from New York
 
I am quite confident that there is nothing in the way, so no one will get killed.
- project manager who is about to get in big trouble 

If you kill me, so what? If you get in my way, who cares?
- weak, uninspired, lackluster project manager 

If I kill me, you'll get your way.
- pragmatic project manager 

Kill me, it's the only way.
- every project manager to date.

Opportunity at Dark Side Consulting Group

Position Available Immediately: Apprentice Sith Lord, Dark Side

Consulting Group

An unexpected position has opened up in the Dark Side Consulting Group for an Apprentice Sith Lord. The ideal candidate for this position would like galactic travel and possess a complete understanding of and competence with the Force, or demonstrate a willingness to learn.

Duties include: Performing competitive intelligence, hands-on intervention in support of the Sith Master's planning initiatives, ability to travel the galaxy widely, and operatinga variety of laser-powered hand weapons and high-poweredspace/air vehicles. Some slaying of enemies of the Dark Side is
also required, which may be performed using the Force or hand weapons.

Qualified applicants would possess good communications skills (especially when speaking in menacing whispers), and would be action-oriented individuals and risk takers. A background in study of the Force (light side or dark) is desirable, as would typically be acquired by those with advanced degrees or significant course work in Jedi Arts from the University of Coruscant. Applicants should also be familiar with holographic projection equipment, possess a valid galactic pilot's license (for all classes of ships), and must show a willingness to give
in to their hate. A proven track record of using fear and/or Jedi mind tricks to control others is also desirable, as is the ability to speak several galactic languages. Ideal candidates for this position would also have no children or other living relatives who are strong in the ways of the Force. (A new hire
would be given several weeks to meet this requirement.)

Compensation for this position is commensurate with experience, and is extremely competitive for this field.

Benefits include a generous severance package, a company starship, and a dark-colored clothingallowance. The Apprentice Sith Lord reports to and works closely with the Sith Master, and experience in such small, team-based organizations is vital to the success of the master's plans. Discretion is also highly valued, as is the ability to see the future before it happens.

Applications will be accepted until the end of July. Transmit them  holographically to: jobs@darkside.com.

*****************************************************

Dark Side CG (tm) is a small and highly-focused organization,founded a long time ago. Our core values reflect the short-termadvantages of harnessing hatred for institutional power and thelong-term desirability of controlling the galaxy. We providedirection to our partner organizations through knowledgemanagement, incident control and our rapid on-site intervention

expertise. Our partnered organizations include the Imperial Senate, the Hutt Gambling Collective of Tattooine, and many large software companies.

Questions Not To Ask In Foreign Lands

Are you magically delicious or just angry and drunk? This beer is black- did
a leprechaun crap in it? 

FRANCE
Can I get a side of Freedom Fries with that? Aren’t the French just Germans
who can make sauces?

ITALY
Is the Pope Polish? Does he have super powers like Jesus? I could sure go for
a can of Spaghetti-O’s!  

POLAND
Do you hire foreigners to screw in your lightbulbs? 

GERMANY
Is this bratwurst kosher? 

TURKEY
Where’s the hash at? It’s cool to recreationally slaughter Kurds? 

KOREA
Can you watch my puppy for a minute, or must you people deep fry him?

CHINA
This wall isn’t so great. 

ENGLAND
Did you ever get a piece of ass from that Diana chick?

SWEDEN
Do you have any normal meatballs? Want to hear a dumb blonde joke?

YEMEN
Yemen? That’s a stupid name for a country. What’s it mean -- ‘Land Of
Fanatics And Dust' ? 

INDIA
You don’t live in teepees? Where can I get a good juicy steak around here?

ETHIOPIA
After a long day of travel, I’m famished. Hey – those flies sure love your pregnant son! 

CANADA
You’re like Americans without money. 

SPAIN
So, this is the country that’s not Portugal? Wow. Your women can shave if
they want to, right? Where can I get some Cheez Whiz nachos? 

SOUTH AFRICA
I liked it better the other way. 

MEXICO
What's that smell? 

SAUDI ARABIA
Would you like to see my designs for a solar powered car? Is it legal to beat
your wives here, or what?

RUSSIA
Is it always this cold and economically devastated?

UZBEKISTAN
Can you spell Uzbekistan?

GREECE
I hear this place is a less expensive version of Italy."

AFGHANISTAN
Seriously, where is the real country where is everything? 

JAPAN
What’s Hiroshima? Is that a kind of sushi? 

AUSTRALIA
How can we stop Mel Gibson? Is there a cure?

AMERICA
Was John Wayne gay?

50 Useful Insults

1. Shouldn't a guy with your IQ have a low voice too?

2. After meeting you, I've decided I am in favor of abortion in cases of incest.
3. Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental.

4. Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.

5. You are as useless as rubber lips on a woodpecker.

6. You've got diarrhea of the mouth; constipation of the ideas.

7. I wonder whether you'd still be an idiot if you'd had enough oxygen at birth?

8. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

9. Your job must be to spread ignorance.

10. Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be left out alone.

11. Don't you love nature, despite what it did to you?

12. You should need a license to be that ugly.

13. Ever since I saw you in your family tree I've wanted to cut it down.

14. Every boy has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege.

15. Grasp your ears firmly and remove your head from your ass.

16. You have the IQ of lint.

17. You are depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. 

18. You are living proof that man can live without a brain.

19. People would follow you anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

20. I don't mind that you are talking so long as you don't mind that I'm not listening.

21. I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.

22. I feel sorry for you because you are so homely but I feel even sorrier for other people because they have to look at you.

23. I know you're a self-made man. It's nice of you to take the blame.

24. I know you're not as stupid as you look. Nobody could be.

25. I used to think that you were a big pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.

26. I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.

27. If I had a face like yours, I'd sue my parents.

28. If I want your stupid opinion, I'll beat it out of you.

29. If I wanted to hear from an ass, I'd fart.

30. If you don't like my opinion of you - improve yourself.

31. I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.

32. I'm glad to see you're not letting your education get in theway of your ignorance.


33. It is mind over matter. I don't mind, because you don't matter.

34. I've come across decomposing bodies that are less offensive than you are.

35. I've seen people like you, but I had to pay admission.

36. Look, don't go to a mind reader; go to a palmist; I know you've got a palm.

37. Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live.

38. People can't say that you have absolutely nothing. After all, you have inferiority!

39. Perhaps your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

40. Someone said you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for the pigs.

41. The inbreeding is certainly obvious in your family.

42. We all spring from apes but you didn't spring far enough
.
43. We'll get along fine as soon as you realize I'm God.

44. When you fell out of the ugly tree, you hit every branch on the way down.

45. When you were a child your mother wanted to hire someone to take care of you but the Mafia wanted too much.

46. When you were born, God admitted that even He could make a mistake!

47. You are about as useful as a windshield wiper on a goat's ass.

48. You are living proof that manure can grow legs and walk.

49. You have an inferiority complex - and it's fully justified.

50. Aren't you the poster child for birth control?

Funny Weather

·        What is the Mexican weather report?
Chilli today and hot tamale. 

·        A husband and his wife were sound asleep when suddenly the phone rang.  The husband picked up the phone and said, 'Hello? How the heck do I know? What do you think I am a weatherman?’ He then slammed the phone down and settled into bed.' Who was that?' asked his wife. 'I don't know. It was some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear.' 

·        There's a technical term for a sunny, warm day which follows two rainy days.  It's called Monday.

·        Summer in the UK usually:
Hallo, did you have a good Summer?
Yes indeed, we had a great barbeque that afternoon.

·        One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?' The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. 'I can't dear, 'she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.' A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, 'The big sissy.'