History of a property

One of the best examples of how ridiculous government paperwork can be is illustrated by a recent case in Louisiana. A company president was trying to buy some land in Louisiana for a plant expansion, and he wanted to finance this new facility with a government loan.

His lawyer filled out all the necessary forms, including the abstract---tracing the title to the land back to 1803. The government reviewed his application and abstract and sent the following reply:

'We received today your letter enclosing application for your client supported by abstract of title. We have observed, however, that you have not traced the title previous to 1803, and before final approval, it will be necessary that the title be traced previous to that year. Yours truly.'

As a result, the lawyer sent the following letter to the government:

'Gentlemen, your letter regarding title received. I note you wish title to be claimed back further than I have done it.

'I was unaware that any educated man failed to know that Louisiana was purchased by the United States from France in 1803. The title of the land was acquired by France by right of conquest of Spain. The land came into possession of Spain in 1492 by right of discovery by a Spanish-Portugese sailor named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by Queen Isabella.

'The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about title, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope of Rome upon Columbus' voyage before she sold her jewels to help him.

'Now the Pope, as you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, who is the Son of God. And God made the world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to assume that He also made that part of the United States called Louisiana, and I now hope you're satisfied.'

Question and answer

Q: Why do they say 'Amen' at the end of a prayer instead of 'Awomen'?
A: The same reason they sing Hymns instead of Hers!

Q: Why didn't Noah go fishing?
A: He only had two worms!

Q: When was the longest day in the Bible?
A: The day Adam was created because there was no Eve.

Q: Why did God create man before woman?
A: He didn't want any advice.

Q: What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A: A roamin' Catholic!

Doctor: 'Your recovery was a miracle!'
Patient: 'PRAISE GOD. Now I don't have to pay you!'

Q: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
A: Even then men wouldn't ask for directions!

What is God's name?

A Christian man had just died and was on his way to heaven. When he got to the gates of heaven he met an angel. The angel asked him what God's name was.

'Oh that's easy,' the man replied, 'His name is Andy.'

'What make you think his name is Andy?' the angel asked incredulously.

'Well, you see at Church we used to sing this song 'Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me.'

Animals go to Heaven

A cat and a mouse died on the same day and went up to Heaven. At the top they met God and he asked them 'How do you like it so far?'

The mouse replied 'It's great, but can I get a pair of roller skates?' God said 'Sure', and he gave him a pair of roller skates.

The next day God saw the cat and asked him 'How do you like it up here so far?' and the cat replied 'Great, I didn't know you had meals on wheels up here!'

Encountering a bear

A Baptist missionary was walking in Africa when he heard the ominous padding of a lion behind him. "Oh Lord," prayed the missionary, "Grant in Thy goodness that the lion walking behind me is a good Christian lion."

And then, in the silence that followed, the missionary heard the lion praying too: "Oh Lord," he prayed, "I thank Thee for the food which I am about to receive."

Worries about a risk

There is a story about a monastery in Europe perched high on a cliff several hundred feet in the air.

The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket which was pulled to the top by several monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength.

Obviously the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying. One tourist got exceedingly nervous about half-way up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed.

With a trembling voice he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they changed the rope. The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely, "Whenever it breaks."

Religious One-Liners

Bumper Sticker:

If all else fails

read the instructions

(The Bible)

---

Bumper Sticker:

Prepare for your FINALS

Read the Bible

---

Clara: My pastor is so good he can talk on any subject for an hour.

Sarah: That's nothing! My pastor can talk for an hour without a subject!

---

At an atheist funeral: Here lies an atheist, all dressed up and nowhere to go.

Getting a Promotion

A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion.

"What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job." replied the Priest.

"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well, next I can become Arch-Bishop." said the Priest.

"Yes, and then?" asked the Rabbi.

"If I work real hard and do a good job as Arch-Bishop, it's possible for me to become a full Bishop." said the Priest.

"O.K., then what?" asked the Rabbi.

The Priest, begining to get a bit exasperated replied, "With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a Cardinal."

"And then?" asked the Rabbi.

The Priest is really starting to get mad now and replies, "With lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I'm in the right places at the right times and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope."

"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.

"Good grief!" shouted the Priest. "What do you expect me to become, GOD?"

"Well," said the Rabbi, "One of our boys made it!"

Service for Your Dog

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he for a long time.

The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying "Father, the dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a Mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick told the farmer "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination down the road apiece, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."

Muldoon said "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?"

Father Patrick replied "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic."

New Office Supplies

The little church in the suburbs suddenly stopped buying from its regular office supply dealer. So, the dealer telephoned Deacon Brown to ask why.

"I'll tell you why," shouted Deacon Brown. "Our church ordered some pencils from you to be used in the pews for visitors to register."

"Well, interrupted the dealer, "didn't you receive them yet?"

"Oh, we received them all right," replied Deacon Brown.

"However, you sent us some golf pencils...each stamped with the words, `Play Golf Next Sunday.'"

Telling Some Stories

Delivering a speech at a banquet on the night of his arrival in a large city, a visiting minister told several anecdotes he expected to repeat at meetings the next day.

Because he wanted to use the jokes again, he requested the reporters to omit them from any accounts they might turn in to their newspapers.

A cub reporter, in commenting on the speech, ended his piece with the following: "The minister told a number of stories that cannot be published."

Two Trouble Makers

A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually.

So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.

The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.

So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"

What is it like to you?

Mortal: What is a million years like to you?

God: Like one second.

Mortal: What is a million dollars like to you?

God: Like one penny.

Mortal: Can I have a penny?

God: Just a second.

Why Eve was created

Top Ten Reasons Eve Was Created

10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.

9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.

8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.

7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.

6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.

5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.

4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.

3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!

And the #1 reason why God created Eve...

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that!"

Offer made to Adam

God looks down and notices that Adam is all alone while all the animals have companions, so he decides to create a companion for man as well. He comes to see Adam and says to him, "Adam, you are my greatest creation and therefore, I am going to create for you the ultimate companion. She will worship the very ground you walk on, she will long for you and no other, she will be highly intelligent, she will wait on you hand and foot and obey your every command, she will be beautiful, and all it will cost you is an arm and a leg." Thinking for a few moments, Adam replies, "What could I get for a rib?"

Where have you been?

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.

It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

A very faithful woman

An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!"

Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"

Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!"

The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD."

The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."

The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!"

The blind man is here

A Nun was taking a shower one day and she heard the door bell ring, she yelled "Who is it?"

And the person ringing the door bell yelled, "I'm the blind man."

So the Nun got out of the shower and wrapped her hair in a towel, she didn't bother putting a towel around herself because the person behind the door was blind.

She opened the door and said, "What do you want?", and the man said, "I'm here to check your blinds."

Nuns discussing drinks

Arthur was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"

Now Arthur gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.

"How do *you* know, Sister?"

"My Mother Superior told me so"

"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"

"Don't be ridiculous - of course I have never taken alcohol myself"

"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"

"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"

"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, them no-one will know"

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so Arthur goes inside to the bar.

"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "... and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"

"Oh no! It's not that drunken Nun again is it?"

Car just broke down

A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available.

Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed.

Nun: I think that would be okay.

They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later...

Nun: Father, I'm terribly cold.

Priest: Okay, I'll get you a blanket. (He does)

Ten minutes later...

Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold.

Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket. (He does)

Ten minutes later...

Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.

Priest: You're probably right...get up and get your own blanket.

A minister tells a joke

A preacher, who shall we say was "humor impaired," attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry.

Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" - The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.

The next week, the pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon. As he surely approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.

Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!" The congregation inhaled half the air in the room. After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, "...and I can't remember who she was!"

Closing sermon words

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."

Minister gives sermon

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went.

Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

A problem with teeth

This minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.

The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes.

The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.

But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.

When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way.

The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk.

The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot.

The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures... and I couldn't stop talking!

Try to help the people

A big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.

"Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400."

"How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?"

The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the landlord," he sobbed.

The preacher is dying

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.

When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.

Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behaviour that made them squirm in their seats.

Finally, the banker said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?"

The old preacher mustered up his strength and then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go."

Pastor painting church

It seems that there was a little old church out in the countryside: painted white and with a high steeple.

One Sunday, the pastor noticed that his church needed painting. He checked out the Sunday ads and found a paint sale. The next day, he went into town and bought a gallon of white paint. He went back out to the church and began the job.

He got done with the first side. It was looking great. But he noticed he had already used a half gallon. He didn't want to run back in town and being the creative person that he was, he found a gallon of thinner in the shed out back, and began to thin his paint.

It worked out great. He finished the remaining three sides with that last half gallon of paint.

That night, it rained: it rained hard. The next morning when he stepped outside of the parsonage to admire his work, he saw that the first side was looking great, but that the paint on the other three sides had washed away.

The pastor looked up in sky in anguish and cried out, "What shall I do?"

A voice came back from the heavens saying, "Repaint, and thin no more!"

Letters to the Pastor

The following are actual questions written to pastors from children across the world.

Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville.

Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete. Age 9, Phoenix

Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert Anderson, age 11

Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance? Love, Patty. Age 10, New Haven

Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold. Yours truly, Annette. Age 9, Albany

Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there. Stephen. Age 8, Chicago

Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen. Age 9. Tacoma

Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important than money but I still want a raise in my allowance. Sincerely, Eleanor. Age 12, Sarasota

Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow. Laurie. Age 10, New York City

Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than sooner. Love, Ellen, age 9. Athens

Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh

Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house. Joshua. Age 10, South Pasadena

Dear Pastor, Who does God pray to? Is there a God for God? Sincerely, Christopher. Age 9, Titusville

Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class. Carla. Age 10, Salina

Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished. Ralph, Age 11, Akron

Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers? Sincerely, Marie. Age 9, Lewiston

Seminars for Females/Males

.

Seminars for Females (Prepared and presented by Males)

1. Elementary map reading

2. Crying and law enforcement

3. Advanced math seminar: Programming your VCR

4. You can go shopping for less than 4 hours

5. Gaining five pounds vs. the end of the world: A study in contrast.

6. PMS: It's your problem, not mine ("It's happened monthly since puberty-deal with it.")

7. Driving I. Getting past automatic transmissions

8. Driving II. The meaning of blinking orange lights

9. Driving III. Approximating a constant speed

10. Driving IV. Makeup and Driving; it's as simple as oil and water

11. Football: Not a game; a sacrament

12. Telephone Translations (Formerly titled, "Me too" equals "I love you")

13. How to earn your own money

14. Gift giving fundamentals (Formerly titled, "Fabric bad, electronics good")

15. Putting the seat down by yourself: Potential energy is on your side

16. Beyond "Clean and Dirty" - The nuances of wearable laundry

17. Yes, you can fill up at a self service station

18. Joys of the remote control; Reaping the benefits of 50 channels

19. What comes around, goes around: Why his credit card is not a toy

20. His best friend can be yours too

21. His poker games: Deal yourself out

22. Commitment Schmittment (Formerly titled, "Wedlock Schmedlock")

23. To honor and obey: Remembering the small print above "I do"

24. Why your mother is unwelcome in the house

25. Your mate: selfish bastard, or victimized sensitive man?

Seminars For Males (Prepared and Presented by Females)

1. Combatting stupidity

2. You too can do housework

3. PMS: Learn when to keep your mouth shut

4. How to fill an ice tray

5. We do not want sleazy underthings for Christmas: give us money

6. Understanding the female response to your coming in drunk at 4am

7. Wonderful laundry techniques (formerly titled, "Don't wash my silks")

8. Parenting: It doesn't end with conception

9. Get a life; learn to cook

10. How not to act like a jackass when you're obviously wrong

11. Spelling: Even you can get it right

12. Understanding your financial incompetence

13. You: The weaker sex

14. Reasons to give flowers

15. How to stay awake in public

16. Why it is unacceptable to relieve yourself anywhere but the bathroom

17. Garbage: Getting it to the curb

18. You can fall asleep without it if you really try

19. The morning dilemma if IT is awake: Take a shower

20. I'll wear it if I damn well please

21. How to put the toilet lid down (formerly titled "No, it's not a bidet")

22. "The weekend" and "sports" are not synonyms

23. Give me a break: Why we know your excuses are bull

24. How to go shopping with your mate and not get lost

25. The remote control: Overcoming your dependency

26. Romanticism: Ideas other than sex

27. Helpful postural hints for couch potatoes

28. Mothers-in-law: They are people too

29. Male bonding: Leaving your friends at home

30. You too can be a designated driver

31. Seeing the true you (formerly titled, "You don't look like Mel Gibson when naked")

32. Changing your underwear: It really works

33. The attainable goal: removing "tits" from your vocabulary

34. Fluffing the blankets after flatulating is not necessary

35. Techniques for calling home before you leave work

 

Chesty Topic

Women with Big Tits...

..can get a taxi on the worst days 

..have a neat place to carry spare change 

..have always been the center of the arts (art) 

..make jogging a spectator sport 

..can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub 

..have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them) 

..usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie 

..can always carry a little extra 

..always float better 

..know where to look first for lost earrings 

..rarely lack for a slow dance partner

..have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless recliner Women with Little Tits...

..don't cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public 

..always look younger 

..find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap 

..can always see their toes and shoes 

..can sleep on their stomachs 

..have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars 

..know that people can read the entire message on their t-shirts 

..know that everything more than a handful is wasted 

..can come late to a theater and not disrupt an entire aisle 

..can take aerobic class without running the risk of knocking themselves out

Top 10 Reasons God Created Eve!

10. God worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.

9. God knew that Adam would one day require someone to locate and hand him the TV remote.

8. God knew that Adam would never go out and get himself a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would, therefore, need Eve to go get one for him.

7. God knew that Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.

6. God knew that Adam would never be able to remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.

5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.

4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he left his tools.

3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden. 

2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"
And finally, the number ONE reason that God created Eve...

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head, and said, "I can do better than THAT!"

Degree Courses for Women

1. Silence, the final frontier: Where no woman has gone before. 

2. The undiscovered side of Banking: How to make deposits. 

3. Combating the Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You don t need new shoes everyday. 

4. Learn how not to inflict your Diets on other people.

5. Nag Nag Nag - how to overcome your tendency to be a fish wife. 

6. An invitation to a party does not mean that you have to have a new outfit. 

7. Man Management: Discover how the garbage can wait until after the game.

8. Personal Space: Leaving at least enough space in the bathroom cupboard for your partners toothbrush. 

9. Valuation: Just because it's not important to you. 

10. Communication Skills I: Tears as the last resort and not the first.

11. Communication Skills II: How to think before speaking. 

12. What he really wants: Is buying the right razor blades so difficult. 

13. Driving a car safely: A skill you can also acquire. 

14. Real women drink their share at a party. 

15. Telephones: How to hang up. 

16. Parking: Beginners Course. 

17. Parking (Advanced): Reversing into a parking space. 

18. The Natural Habitat of the Towel: Why they prefer the floor. 

19. Managing your weight: Its not water retention... its fat. 

20. Learning to cook I: Bran is not food. 

21. Learning to cook II: Bringing back bacon and eggs. 

22. Compliments: How to accept them gracefully. 

23. PMS: Your problem... not his.

Why God Created Eve

Top Ten Reasons Why God Created Eve 

10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the Garden. 

9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote. 

8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him. 

7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself. 

6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb. 

5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing. 

4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools. 

3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden. 

2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone. And finally, the Number 1 reason why God created Eve... 

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that!"

Women Shorts

Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
________________________________________________________________
Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter?
Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.
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Why are hangovers better than women?
Hangovers will go away.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men ?
So they can stand closer to the sink
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How do you know when a women's about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me...."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't...there's a clock on the oven!
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I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name..."
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Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and your going to want to shoot it.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!
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One golfer tells another: "Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!"
The other replies: "GREAT trade!"
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What are two reasons why women don't mind their own business?
1.No mind.
2.No business.
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The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" and I said, "Dust!"
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Why do women like intelligent men?
Opposites attract.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a women's sex drive by 90 percent....
Wedding cake!!!