History of a property

One of the best examples of how ridiculous government paperwork can be is illustrated by a recent case in Louisiana. A company president was trying to buy some land in Louisiana for a plant expansion, and he wanted to finance this new facility with a government loan.

His lawyer filled out all the necessary forms, including the abstract---tracing the title to the land back to 1803. The government reviewed his application and abstract and sent the following reply:

'We received today your letter enclosing application for your client supported by abstract of title. We have observed, however, that you have not traced the title previous to 1803, and before final approval, it will be necessary that the title be traced previous to that year. Yours truly.'

As a result, the lawyer sent the following letter to the government:

'Gentlemen, your letter regarding title received. I note you wish title to be claimed back further than I have done it.

'I was unaware that any educated man failed to know that Louisiana was purchased by the United States from France in 1803. The title of the land was acquired by France by right of conquest of Spain. The land came into possession of Spain in 1492 by right of discovery by a Spanish-Portugese sailor named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by Queen Isabella.

'The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about title, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope of Rome upon Columbus' voyage before she sold her jewels to help him.

'Now the Pope, as you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, who is the Son of God. And God made the world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to assume that He also made that part of the United States called Louisiana, and I now hope you're satisfied.'

Question and answer

Q: Why do they say 'Amen' at the end of a prayer instead of 'Awomen'?
A: The same reason they sing Hymns instead of Hers!

Q: Why didn't Noah go fishing?
A: He only had two worms!

Q: When was the longest day in the Bible?
A: The day Adam was created because there was no Eve.

Q: Why did God create man before woman?
A: He didn't want any advice.

Q: What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A: A roamin' Catholic!

Doctor: 'Your recovery was a miracle!'
Patient: 'PRAISE GOD. Now I don't have to pay you!'

Q: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
A: Even then men wouldn't ask for directions!

What is God's name?

A Christian man had just died and was on his way to heaven. When he got to the gates of heaven he met an angel. The angel asked him what God's name was.

'Oh that's easy,' the man replied, 'His name is Andy.'

'What make you think his name is Andy?' the angel asked incredulously.

'Well, you see at Church we used to sing this song 'Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me.'

Animals go to Heaven

A cat and a mouse died on the same day and went up to Heaven. At the top they met God and he asked them 'How do you like it so far?'

The mouse replied 'It's great, but can I get a pair of roller skates?' God said 'Sure', and he gave him a pair of roller skates.

The next day God saw the cat and asked him 'How do you like it up here so far?' and the cat replied 'Great, I didn't know you had meals on wheels up here!'

Encountering a bear

A Baptist missionary was walking in Africa when he heard the ominous padding of a lion behind him. "Oh Lord," prayed the missionary, "Grant in Thy goodness that the lion walking behind me is a good Christian lion."

And then, in the silence that followed, the missionary heard the lion praying too: "Oh Lord," he prayed, "I thank Thee for the food which I am about to receive."

Worries about a risk

There is a story about a monastery in Europe perched high on a cliff several hundred feet in the air.

The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket which was pulled to the top by several monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength.

Obviously the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying. One tourist got exceedingly nervous about half-way up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed.

With a trembling voice he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they changed the rope. The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely, "Whenever it breaks."

Religious One-Liners

Bumper Sticker:

If all else fails

read the instructions

(The Bible)

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Bumper Sticker:

Prepare for your FINALS

Read the Bible

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Clara: My pastor is so good he can talk on any subject for an hour.

Sarah: That's nothing! My pastor can talk for an hour without a subject!

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At an atheist funeral: Here lies an atheist, all dressed up and nowhere to go.

Getting a Promotion

A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion.

"What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job." replied the Priest.

"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well, next I can become Arch-Bishop." said the Priest.

"Yes, and then?" asked the Rabbi.

"If I work real hard and do a good job as Arch-Bishop, it's possible for me to become a full Bishop." said the Priest.

"O.K., then what?" asked the Rabbi.

The Priest, begining to get a bit exasperated replied, "With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a Cardinal."

"And then?" asked the Rabbi.

The Priest is really starting to get mad now and replies, "With lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I'm in the right places at the right times and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope."

"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.

"Good grief!" shouted the Priest. "What do you expect me to become, GOD?"

"Well," said the Rabbi, "One of our boys made it!"

Service for Your Dog

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he for a long time.

The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying "Father, the dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a Mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick told the farmer "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination down the road apiece, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."

Muldoon said "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?"

Father Patrick replied "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic."

New Office Supplies

The little church in the suburbs suddenly stopped buying from its regular office supply dealer. So, the dealer telephoned Deacon Brown to ask why.

"I'll tell you why," shouted Deacon Brown. "Our church ordered some pencils from you to be used in the pews for visitors to register."

"Well, interrupted the dealer, "didn't you receive them yet?"

"Oh, we received them all right," replied Deacon Brown.

"However, you sent us some golf pencils...each stamped with the words, `Play Golf Next Sunday.'"

Telling Some Stories

Delivering a speech at a banquet on the night of his arrival in a large city, a visiting minister told several anecdotes he expected to repeat at meetings the next day.

Because he wanted to use the jokes again, he requested the reporters to omit them from any accounts they might turn in to their newspapers.

A cub reporter, in commenting on the speech, ended his piece with the following: "The minister told a number of stories that cannot be published."

Two Trouble Makers

A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually.

So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.

The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.

So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"

ONE MORE ALL ROUND JOKES

On arriving home, Norm was met at the door by his sobbing wife, Cheri' who tearfully explained, "It was the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." Norm immediately drove in to town to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before Norm could say no more than a few words, the druggist hollered, "Now, just a minute, you hold on! Please just listen to my side of it... This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I got up late. I had no breakfast and hurried half dressed, out to the car, only to realize that I had just locked the house with both house and car keys inside.

I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. and then three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up, and I started waiting on them, and all the time the damn phone was ringing off the hook."

The druggist continued, "Then breaking a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, I spilled them all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the damn phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bunch of perfume bottles all of them fell to the floor and broke.

Meanwhile, the damn phone is has not stopped ringing for a second and when I finally got to answer it. It was your wife, Cheri' wanting to know how to use a digital rectal thermometer... and honest Norm, all I did was really tell her!"

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An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old times sake. He finds a little prostitute and goes up into the room with her, draping his sailor suit across the bed.

He's goin' at it as best he can for a guy his age and asks, "How am I doin'?"

The whore says, "Well, sailor, you're doing about three knots."

What's that?" he asks.

She says, "You're 'knot' hard, you're 'knot' in, and you're 'knot' getting your money back!"

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Two men were out fishing, when they found a lamp floating in the water. One of the men picked it up and rubbed it, causing a genie to explode from the lamp. Unfortunately, it was a very low-level genie and could only grant one wish. The men thought for a few minutes and then wished for the entire lake to be made of the best beer in the world. With a poof the wish was granted, leaving the other of the two to yell angrily, "Dammit! Now we have to piss in the boat!"

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A man is walking down the street when he sees a sign in the window of a travel agency that says CRUISES - $100. He goes into the agency and hands the guy $100. The travel agent then whacks him over the head with a baseball bat and throws him in the river.

Another man is walking down the street a half hour later, sees the sign and pays the guy $100. The travel agent then whacks him with the baseball bat and throws him in the river.

Sometime later, the two men are floating down the river together and the first man asks, "Do you think they'll serve any food on this cruise?" The second man says, "I don't think so. They didn't do it last year."

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Bubba got drunk and died in a fire in his trailer caused by his cigarette. His body was so badly burned that the morgue needed someone to I.D. the body, so they called his two close friends, Jim-Bob and Billy-Joe to come and try to I.D. the body.
Jim-Bob went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet, and Jim-Bob said, "Yep, he's got burnt up purdy bad. Roll 'im over." So, the mortician rolled him over, and Jim-Bob looked at his butt and said, "Nope, dat ain't Bubba." The mortician didn't say anything, but thought that was a little bit strange.
Then, he brought in Billy-Joe to I.D. the body. Billy-Joe looked at him and said' "Yep, he's burnt up sumpin' real bad. Roll 'im over." The mortician rolled him over, and Billy-Joe looked down at his butt and said, "Nuh-uh, 'at ain't Bubba. The mortician said, "How can you tell?"
Billy-Joe said, "Well, Bubba had two ass holes, ya know." "What? He had two ass holes? Impossible!" said the mortician. "Yep. Everyone in town knowed he had two ass holes, cause every time the three of us went to town, everyone would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two ass holes.' "

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A person walks up to a man on the street and begins to ask him questions...
How many eyes does a rooster have?
"Two..."
"You're sure?"
"Yes..."
How many wings does a rooster have?
"Two..."
Your sure?
"Yes..."
How many ribs does a cat have?
"Not quite sure..."
Your sure?
"Yeah, sorry, no idea!"
Well how come you know so much more about cock than pussy?!

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SCIENCE: BREAD IS DANGEROUS

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.

2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.

3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.

4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.

5. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat, begged for bread after as little as two days.

6. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cream cheese.

7. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey, bread-pudding person.

8. Newborn babies can choke on bread.

9. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 450 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than two minutes.

10. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

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He who runs behind a car is exhausted.

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He who stands on the toilet is high on pot.

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Man: "God, why you make woman so beautiful?"
God: "So you would love her."
Man: "But God, why you make her so dumb?"
God: "So she would love you!"

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Old McDonald sittin' on a bench,
poking his balls with a monkey wrench.
The wrench got small, it broke his balls,
and he pissed all over his overalls.

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There are a lot of people who can't understand how we ran out of oil here in the USA.
Well, here's the answer: It's simple... nobody bothered to check the oil. Didn't know we
were getting low. And of course the reason for that is geographical. All the oil is in Texas, Oklahoma and Alaska, and all the dipsticks are in Washington, D.C.

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Women's T-shirts
1. Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
2. All stressed out and no one to choke.
3. And your point is...
4. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
5. Remember my name -- you'll be screaming it later.
6. You KNOW you want me.
7. Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time...
8. Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.
9. I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
10. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
11. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
12. I hate everybody, and you're next.
13. How can I miss you if you won't go away?
14. If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
15. Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear

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A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire. The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in flight, though somewhat erratically. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes."

"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.

"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the man. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures." The pilot replied, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"

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A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm, while waiting for a train. A woman upon seeing those 2 cute babies asked the man, "Aren't they cute, what are their names?" The man giving the lady an angry look replied, "I don't know." The lady then asked, Are they boys or girls?" The man looking angrier than before replied "I don't know." The woman then started to scold the man, "What kind of a father are you?". The man replied, "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are the 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company."

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A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, Morris had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see what you got." Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

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Driving home from visiting Grandma one Sunday, Dad tuned the radio to a country and western station. "How can you stand that stuff?" complained his 16-year-old son. "It's all about lonesome cowboys, gunfights and broken hearts." Knowing he preferred rock 'n' roll, Dad asked, "Well, what's your music about?" "That's the beauty of it," the son said. "You just don't know!"

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This morning as I was buttoning my shirt a button fell off.
After that, I picked up my briefcase and the handle fell off.
Then I went to open the door and the doorknob fell off.
I went to get into my car and the door handle came off in my hand.
Now I'm afraid to pee....

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Q. How did they know ET was a Rangers fan?
A. He looked like one.

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Little Johnny was in science class. the professor was conducting an experiment to show the dangers of liquor. he had one glass of water and one glass of wine. so the professor starts the experiment and he sticks one worm in the water.. and its floating and looks happy. he sticks the other worm in the wine and it looks like it is struggling to breathe and then it sinks to the bottom and it is dead. so the professor asks" what was this suppose to teach you children" no one raises their hand to answer but the little Johnny raises his hand and says "drink liquor and you wont get worms"

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A missionary suddenly realized that the one thing he hadn't yet taught the natives he served was how to speak English, so he takes the chief for a walk in the jungle. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the missionary points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The missionary is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.
As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of the natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. Flustered, the missionary quickly says to the chief, "Riding a bike." The chief looks at the preoccupied couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them. The missionary goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other. "How could you kill these people in cold blood that way?" he demands. "My bike," the chief replied.

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A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed at home. He wanted her to see what he went through each day, so he prayed :-

"Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours of hard work, while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies". God, in His infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home ..... picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to draw money to pay the electricity and telephone bills.

He drove to the electricity company and the phone company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping, came home and put away the groceries. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. By then it was already 1:00 pm, so he hurried to make the beds, do
the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

He rushed to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home which he had to sort out in a gentle 'motherly' fashion. He set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and was
able to watch a bit of TV while he did the ironing. By then it was 4:30 pm, so he began peeling potatoes and washed greens for salads. He prepared the chops and fresh vegetables and got everything ready in time for an early dinner.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9:00 pm he was exhausted and although his chores weren't finished for the day, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaining. The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said :-

"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, O please, let us trade back!" The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait 9 months though, because you got pregnant last night!!!"

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The Short History of Medicine

2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic doesn't work any more. Here, eat this root.

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Little Johnny came downstairs bellowing lustily. His mother asked, "What's the matter now" "Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with a hammer," said Johnny through his tears. "That's not so serious," soothed his mother. "I know you're upset, but a big boy like you shouldn't cry at something like that. Why didn't you just laugh?" "I did!" sobbed Johnny.

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A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom, and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." "But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."

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Have you read the book...
1. Run to the Outhouse by Willie Makeit, Betty Wont, Andy Didnt
2. Flood in the Bathroom by Won Lang Pee
3. Yellow River by I.P. Freely
4. Jump off a Cliff by Hugo First
5. Sliding down the banister by R. Arse Tornaway
6. Beautiful Behinds by Seamore Butts
7. Butt Fitness by Hugh Jass
8. Love Secrets by Amanda Hugnkiss

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A lawyer, an economist, and a teacher were going to the bathroom. The lawyer gets done, washes his hands, and then proceeds to use almost the entire roll of paper towels to dry his hands. He says "I was taught to be thorough." The economist gets done, washes his hands, but uses only one paper towel. He says "I was taught to be environmentally friendly." The teacher gets done and leaves without washing his hands. He says "I was taught not to piss on my hands."

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City Boy: Say, Dad, how many types of milk are there?

Father: Well, there's evaporated milk, buttermilk, malted milk, and -- but why do you ask?

City Boy: Oh, I'm drawing a picture of a cow, and I want to know how many "spigots" to put on her.

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Hearts and roses and kisses galore... What the hell is all of that shit for? People get mushy and start acting queer. It is definitely the most annoying day of the year. This day needs to get the hell over with and pass. Before I shove a dozen roses up Cupid's ass. I'll spend the day so drunk that I just can't speak. And wear only black for the rest of the week. Guys act all sweet, but it soon will fade. For all they are doing is trying to get laid. The arrow Cupid shot at me must not have hit. Because I think love is a big crock of shit. So here is my story...what else can I say? Love bites my ass...Fuck Valentines Day!

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When I was younger I hated going to weddings... it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Puns

Very, very punny.

That girl said she met me at a Vegetarian restaurant, but I never met herbivore.

Two Eskimos, out to fish in their canoe got cold and decided to build a small fire in the bottom of their canoe to keep warm. Of course the boat caught fire and sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

I thought about starting a conversation about nuts, but then I thought, "Screw it".

An appeals court has upheld a ban on pitbulls. That's another victory in the war on terrier.

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all league records were unfortunately lost, so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

An Indian chief had three wives. The first wife slept on cowhide, the second wife a deerhide and the third on hippopotamus hide. The first gave birth to a baby boy, the second to a baby girl and the third had twins - a boy and a girl. Looking at what happened, the old chief declared, "The squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides!"

The man who survived both pepper spray and mustard gas is now well seasoned. 

The sign at the rehab center said "Keep Off The Grass".

Conjunctivitis.com is a site for sore eyes.

I was in a back alley in Fiji, fighting desperately and silently for my life, fighting desperately for oxygen, clawing at the calm and almost gentle pressure of the fabric held over my face by implacable, ebony thighs when I realized - he was killing me softly with his sarong.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. 

A rather youthful Billy Joel was fascinated when he entered the Green Room at the Tonight Show and saw a group of matronly nuns hastily applying hair color to the noggin of the show's next guest, Neil Young, whose agent offered an explanation from the corner of the room: "Only the good dye Young."

It's a bad week for the stock market. Helium was up, but feathers were down. Paper was stationary, but pencils lost a few points. Elevators rose but escalators continued their slow decline. Switches were off and mining equipment hit rock bottom. The raisin market has dried up. Pampers remained unchanged while Sun peaked at mid-day. Scott tissues touched a new bottom.

What did Frank Sinatra say when someone asked him if he had ever kept wading birds as pets? "Egrets, I've had a few."

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. 

A man leaned to his right because his right leg was shorter than his left. He finally went to see a surgeon after much insistence from friends. Later, one of those friends saw the man walking down the street and noticed that the man's legs were exactly the same length. "See, what did I tell you?", the friend boasted. "You didn't believe the doctor could fix your leg!" The man said, "I stand corrected."

The horse got run over by a car. It's now in stable condition. 

When a woman sees her first grey hair, she usually thinks she'll dye.

Her boyfriend had a wooden leg, until she broke it off.

He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes Benz.

He wears glasses during math because it improves division.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

There was a farmer who noticed a fly buzzing around the cow's ear while he was milking it. Next thing you know, the fly was in the bucket of milk. The farmer says, "In one ear, and out the udder!"

I entered ten puns in a contest, and I thought I would win, but unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

When the waiter spilled a drink on his shirt, he said, "this one is on me."

I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

The cannibals ate the missionary and got a taste of religion.

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

Leif Ericsson went off on his voyage, and a year later, his wife noticed that his name wasn't on the village register anymore. She went to the village elders and said, you must have taken Leif off your census.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp fence. Police are looking into it. 

A bear walked into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer......and some of those peanuts." The bartender says, "Why the big pause?"

There was a fire at a Basque restaurant, but there was only one way out of the restaurant. Many people were injured in the stampede. The moral of this story: Don't put all your Basques in one exit.

The dentist tells the patient that his upper plate needs to be made of chrome because of the patient's penchant for Hollandaise sauce (which has a lot of lemon juice in it, and is corrosive to most dental appliances). Why chrome? There's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise.

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

A rubber band gun was taken away in algebra class as it was a weapon of math disruption.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

The store promised a free abacus with a purchase, but I wouldn't count on it.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

This is a story of twin Siamese kittens, or more specifically, of their shared appendage; it is a tail of two kitties.

Darth Vader says "Luke Skywalker - I know what you're getting for Christmas. I felt your presents".

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still. 

I went to the Cashew factory last night. It was nuts!

Mahatma Gandhi, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him...A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

A group of people are touring the White House in Washington D.C. As the tour ends, they are waiting in line to sign the visitors' register. A group of nuns are in line to sign the book, followed by a Jewish family with their young son Sheldon. As they near the visitors' register, young Sheldon loses patience and runs ahead to sign the book. However, his mother scolds him, saying, "Wait till the nun signs, Shelly!"

The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

In a democracy, it's your vote that counts. In Feudalism, it's your count that votes.

A plane full of Japanese car parts has exploded in midair today. A local weatherman said it was raining Datsun cogs.

Police arrested a man who robbed a bank while Tweeting about it. He's hoping for a short sentence.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

There once was a girl named Carmen Cohen. Her mother called her Carmen and her father called her Cohen. It got so that she didn't know whether she was Carmen or Cohen.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

A bear walked into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer......and some of those peanuts." The bartender says, "Why the big pause?"

A woman's three sons all leave home to seek their fortunes. Many years later they write to their old mom telling her that they have a successful cattle ranch and want her to come live with them. When she arrives, they proudly show her the ranch and ask her to name it for them, as they owe all their success to her. She thinks about it and tells them to call it Prism Ranch. Curious, they ask her why. "Because," she replies, "that's where the sons raise meat."

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

In a democracy, it's your vote that counts. In Feudalism, it's your count that votes.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 

Because of the tsunami in Japan, the Chinese are hoarding soy sauce. So I guess you shouldn't Kikkoman when he's down.

An Indian chief had three wives. The first wife slept on cowhide, the second wife a deerhide and the third on hippopotamus hide. The first gave birth to a baby boy, the second to a baby girl and the third had twins - a boy and a girl. Looking at what happened, the old chief declared, "The squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides!"

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

The man who survived both pepper spray and mustard gas is now well seasoned.

If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine. 

A former Miss Russia has been arrested for both shoplifting and counterfeiting. Police say she can't get her bearings straight.

I gave my pet bird a haircut, now he thinks he's James Bond. He's certainly a shorn canary.

I once tried drawing Bill Murray on a one dollar bill but switched to drawing Jude Law. That didn’t work either so I gave up. Washington makes it too hard to turn a Bill into a Law.

There was a scare in the Middle East when famous political figure, Ali Ali was hospitalized because of a dangerously high amount of toxins in his bloodstream. After 5 hours of surgery and blood transfusions, everything is all right now because he is Ali Ali, toxin free.

Palindromes

The same backwards and forwards!

A Toyota! Race fast, safe car. A Toyota!

A Toyota's a Toyota.

A dog - a panic in a pagoda!

A man, a plan, a canal, Panama.

A man, a plan, a cat, a canal, Panama!

A man, a plan, a cat, a ham, a yak, a yam, a hat, a canal, Panama!

A man, a plan, a canoe, pasta, heros, rajahs, a coloratura, maps, snipe, percale, macaroni, a gag, a banana bag, a tan, a tag, a banana bag again (or a camel), a crepe, pins, Spam, a rut, a Rolo, cash, a jar, sore hats, a peon, a canal, Panama!

A slut nixes sex in Tulsa.

A tin mug for a jar of gum, Nita.

Ah, Satan Sees Natasha.

Anna: "Did Otto peep?" Otto: "Did Anna?"

Anne, I vote more cars race Rome to Vienna.

Are we not drawn onward, we few, drawn onward to new era?

Cain: a maniac!

Campus motto: bottoms up, Mac.

Cigar? Toss it in a can. It is so tragic.

Cleveland: DNA Level C.

Dennis sinned.

Dennis and Edna sinned.

Dennis, Nell, Edna, Leon, Nedra, Anita, Rolf, Nora, Alice, Carol, Leo, Jane, Reed, Dena, Dale, Basil, Rae, Penny, Lana, Dave, Denny, Lena, Ida, Bernadette, Ben, Ray, Lila, Nina, Jo, Ira, Mara, Sara, Mario, Jan, Ina, Lily, Arne, Bette, Dan, Reba, Diane, Lynn, Ed, Eva, Dana, Lynne, Pearl, Isabel, Ada, Ned, Dee, Rena, Joel, Lora, Cecil, Aaron, Flora, Tina, Arden, Noel, and Ellen sinned.

Dennis, no Misfit can act if Simon sinned.

Devil Natasha, ah, Satan lived!

Diana Bruno, on urban aid. (thanks to Matthew Amacher)

Did Eve salt an atlas? Eve did.

Did I do, O God, did I as I said I'd do? Good, I did.

Did I draw Della too tall, Edward? I did?

Do geese see God?

Do nine men interpret? - Nine men? I nod.

Drat Saddam, a mad dastard!

Draw, o coward!

Draw pupil's lip upward.

Drowsy baby's word.

E. Borgnine drags Dad's gardening robe.

Ed, I saw Harpo Marx ram Oprah W. aside.

Egad! No bondage!

Emil, a sleepy baby peels a lime.

Eros? Sidney, my end is sore.

Eva, can I stab bats in a cave?

Evil olive.

Flesh! Saw I Mimi wash self!

Go hang a salami, I'm a lasagna hog.

God saw I was dog.

God! A red nugget! A fat egg under a dog!

Golf? No sir, prefer prison flog.

He goddam mad dog, eh?

He lived as a devil, eh?

I maim nine men in Miami.

Is it I? It is I!

I, Nora, came most egotistic - it's I - to get some macaroni.

I, man, am regal; a German am I.

If I had a hi-fi.

Is Don Adams mad? (A nod.) Si!

Kayak salad - Alaska yak.

Lager, Sir, is regal.

Laminated E.T. animal.

Late? Bill is ill, I bet, Al.

Lew, Otto has a hot towel!

Lisa Bonet ate no basil.

Lived on Decaf, faced no Devil.

Lonely Tylenol.

Ma has a ham.

Ma is a nun, as I am.

Ma is as selfless as I am.

Madam I'm Adam.

Madam, in Eden, I'm Adam.

Man, Oprah's sharp on A.M.

Marge lets Norah see Sharon's telegram.

Murder for a jar of red rum.

Naomi, did I moan?

Natasha? Ah, Satan!

Neil A. sees alien!

Never odd or even.

No lemons, no melon.

No misses ordered roses, Simon.

No, Mel Gibson is a casino's big lemon.

No, Mel, a sleepy baby peels a lemon.

No trace - not one carton.

Not New York, Roy went on.

Nurse! I spy gypsies! Run!

Oh, no! Don Ho!

Party booby-trap.

Plan no damn Madonna LP.

Doc note, I dissent. A fast never prevents a fatness. I diet on cod.

Rats live on no evil star.

Reno loner

Revenge, Meg? Never!

Rise to vote, sir.

Sir, I'm Iris.

Sis, ask Costner to not rent socks "as is".

Sit on a potato pan, Otis!

Slap a ham on Omaha, pals!

Sniff'um muffins.

So many dynamos.

So, G. Rivera's tots are virgos.

So...Mariah Carey, a LP, a player...a chair, Amos!

Some men interpret nine memos.

Spit Q-tips!

Star comedy by Democrats.

Stella won no wallets.

Step on no pets!

To Idi Amin: I'm a idiot!

Toni Tennille fell in net. I, not!

Tons of UFOs? Not!

Tonya may not.

Too bad, I hid a boot.

Trash Tim Smith's Art!

Tulsa night life: filth, gin, a slut.

Was it Eliot's toilet I saw?

Was it a car or a cat I saw?

Was it a rat I saw?

Yawn. Madonna Fan? No damn way!

Yawn a more Roman way.

Yo, banana boy!

Yreka Bakery

Aybil was I, ere I saw Libya.