MANY WAYS

10 Ways to Annoy Cops

 

1.     Say, "Damn, officer, you must have been going fast to keep up with me!"

2.     When he approaches you, stare at his gut and say, "Hmmm. I thought cops had to be physically fit."

3.     Sway and ask if his bulletproof vest protects him from projectile vomiting.

4.     Lie on the ground and ask him to draw your outline in chalk.

5.     Throw his nightstick and tell the police dog to fetch it.

6.     Ask him if you can use his pepper spray to spice up your pizza.

7.     Tell him you wanted to be a cop, but decided to graduate high school instead.

8.     When he asks you to walk the line, "Riverdance" instead.

9.     Instead of pleading the 5th amendment, plead the 13th or 16th.

10.                       When he asks for your license, say, "Oh sure, officer, can you hold me beer for a sec?"

20 Types You Meet in the Men's Room

1) Excitable -- Shorts half-twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.
2) Sociable -- Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.
3) Cross-eyed -- Looks into the next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.
4) Timid -- Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal, comes back later. 5) Indifferent -- All urinals being used, pisses in sink.
6) Clever -- No hands, fixes tie, looks around, usually pisses on floor.
7) Worried -- Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.
8) Frivolous -- Plays stream up, down and across urinal, tries to hit flies and bugs.
9) Absent-Minded -- Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.
10) Childish -- Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.
11) Sneaky -- Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in other stall will be blamed.
12) Patient -- Stands very close for a long time, reads with free hand.
13) Desperate -- Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.
14) Tough -- Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry.
15) Efficient -- Waits until he has to crap and does both.
16) Fat -- Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shower.
17) Little -- Stands on box, falls in, drowns.
18) Drunk -- Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.
19) Disgruntled -- Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.
20) Conceited -- Holds two-inch dick like baseball bat.

50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your tissue to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of ''It''s a Small World'' incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, crash from side to side as if you''re on rough seas.
7. Shave. (Especially if you''re a woman.)
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask: "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you, "Admiral".
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I''ve got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, not now. Damn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious literature to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say, "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing, "Mary Had a Little Lamb," while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler, "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You''re one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "Mmmm...tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and make it talk to the other passengers.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say, "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say, "I wonder what all these do," and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space".
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it''s getting larger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler, "Bad touch!"

51 Ways to Annoy Everybody

1) Pretend to be one of the Bush family. Doesn't matter which.

2) Have an uncontrollable lusting for someone else every five minutes.
3) Pretend to be from different ethnic backgrounds every hour, and when people ask you about it, answer like a hillbilly would.
4) Act like a hillbilly. Period.
5) Improvise Italian operas.
6) Gossip about someone to their face.
7) Answer every question with a question.
8) Repeat yourself constantly.
9) Act like a member of the opposite sex.
10) Repeat yourself constantly.
11) Act like Mr. Flanders from The Simpsons.
12) Repeat yourself constantly.
13) Change what you repeat every now and then.
14) Use homonyms in your e-male that the spell cheque would knot sea as miss steaks.
15) Change what you repeat every now and then.
16) Talk to someone while looking at somebody else.
17) Employ in your casual banter extensive vocabulary that will befuddle thy contemporaries.
18) Change what you repeat every now and then.
19) One word: Caffeine.
20) Another word or two: Caffeine and Sugar.
21) stringwhateveryousayintoonelongwordsoitshardtomakeoutwhatyou'resaying.
22) Using non-existent words like George Bush would.
23) Change what you repeat again.
24) Speak in rapid Spanish.
25) Pretend not to know about the rule of personal space.
26) When doing number 25, pretend to have a heavy nose cold causing you to breathe heavily through your mouth. Sneeze occasionally.
27) Change what you repeat again.
28) You are better than everybody else. Let them know so.
29) Rudely correct everybody's grammar.
30) Don't proper grammar use while you are correcting them.
31) Pretend to be drunk.
32) Groom yourself while standing backwards (towards everybody) in an elevator.
33) Change what you repeat again.
34) Pretend your name is Cletus-Atkins-Wheatherby-Percival-Smith, and don't answer to anything else.
35) Call everybody you know Bob or Georgia. Bob for girls, Georgia for boys.
36) Fine people for stupid things, like being too popular, or having to many teeth.
37) Change what you repeat again.
38) For those who wish to annoy, riddles is that in which you should speak.
39) Lick your lips constantly, acting as if doing so is pleasurable.
40) Pretend to be high.
41) Become severely narcoleptic in the middle of a conversazzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
42) Change what you repeat again.
43) You ARE the lord of the dance. Never forget that.
44) Speak in Gaelic.
45) Blink rapidly and constantly.
46) Scratch yourself constantly. I am not saying where.
47) Strut.
48) Start repeating what you say as soon as you say it.
49) Start repeating what you say as soon as you say it.
50) Become "The Masked Wedgie Giver."
51) Have this list printed on a T-shirt and write above it "Check list for Today." Don't let anybody forget that you have it on.

A Child's Prayer

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."

The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.
The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."
The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.
Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."
Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

A Definite Definition

A teacher decides that she is going to teach her second grade class a new word today. She tells them that the word is "definitely" and its meaning is "absolute, positive, without a doubt."

She asks the class if anyone can think of a sentence with the word in it. She calls on little Susan who is in the back raising her hand, quite sure of herself.
Susan stands up and says, "The sky is definitely blue."
The teacher replies to her, "Well, that's a good sentence but sometimes the sky is gray, and sometimes its cloudy, and sometimes its red and pink so the sky is not definitely blue. Anyone else?"
Tom's hand flies up and she calls on him.
Tom answers, "The water is definitely clear."
"Well, Tom that's a good sentence but sometimes the water is muddy, and sometimes it's green, and sometimes it's full of seaweed so it's not definitely clear. Anyone else?"
Finally, in the far corner, little Robert slowly raises his hand.
"Yes, Robert?" asks the teacher.
"Can I ask a question, teacher?" Robert replies.
"Yes."
"Do farts have lumps?"
"No. Why do you ask."
"Well, then I've definitely pooped in my pants."

His military etiquette

Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?

Soldier: Sure, buddy.

Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again.

Do you have change for a dollar?

Soldier: No, SIR!

Strange new battles

Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle.

"That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here, take this broom. Just point it at the Germans, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang'."

"But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young (and gullible) recruit.

The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and attaches it to the handle end. "Here, use this... just go, 'Stabity Stab Stab'."

The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom. Suddenly, a German soldier charges at him. The recruit points the broom, "Bangety Bang Bang!" The German falls dead.

More Germans appear. The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" He mows down the enemy by the dozens. Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one German soldier walking slowly toward him.

"Bangety Bang Bang! shouts the recruit. The German keeps coming. "Bangety Bang Bang!" repeats the recruit, to no avail. He gets desperate. "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" It's no use.

The German keeps coming. He stomps the recruit into the ground, and says, "Tankety Tank Tank."

Remember during wars

Things to Remember During a War

1. The only things more accurate than enemy fire is friendly fire.

2. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.

3. Teamwork is essential. It gives them more targets to shoot at.

4. No inspection-ready unit ever passed combat.

5. No combat-ready unit ever passed inspection.

6. Remember: your aircraft was made by the lowest bidder.

7. Never draw fire, it will irritate the rest of your formation.

8. Never share a cockpit with someone braver than you.

9. You are not Tom Cruise.

10. SAMs and AAA have the right-of-way.

11. If you aren't sure, the SAMs are pointed at you.

12. If hit, landing near the people that just shot you down is not a good idea.

13. Close only counts in horseshoes, nukes and proximity-fused missiles.

14. Smart bombs have bad days too.

15. The best defense is to stay out of range.

16. If you are short on everything but enemy, you are in combat.

Soldier stands guard

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"

The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."

"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."

The general said, "Drive on!"

The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."

The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"

The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?"

Finish overseas tour

A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men. The ship steamed out of the channel and soon the port was far behind.

The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was a buzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain.

He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, "My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules. Make sure the Captain is aboard before getting under way!"

A young naval student

A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain.

"What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?"

"Throw out an anchor, sir," the student replied.

"What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then?" asked the captain.

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"Hold on," said the captain. "Where are you getting all those anchors from?"

"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."

New submarine Ensign

The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamed of working since a young boy.

He was trying to impress the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Submarine School.

The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, "Listen, 'sir', it's real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Divide that number by two. If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch."

Apologizing to China

Time sensitive note: This joke pertains to the crash of a Chinese plane into a United States plane over International waters. China demanded an apology from us and stole technology from our plane when it was forced to make an emergency landing in Chinese lands.

Dear China,

We're sorry you don't train your fighter pilots better. As a token of our apology, here's a copy of Microsoft Flight Simulator 2000.

We're also sorry your front-line fighter planes can't outmaneuver a 35-year old prop-driven airliner. Perhaps you'd like to purchase some surplus 1950's-era Lockheed Starfighters from Taiwan...since they just replaced all theirs with new F-16's.

We're also sorry you believe your territorial waters extend all the way to Australia. For future reference, here's an American 6th grade geography textbook. (Please note the Copyright information printed inside the cover.)

In addition, we're sorry you can't seem to see your part of this incident. We know it seems easier to blame others than to take responsibility. Consider this while we build several new Aegis destroyers for our friends in Taiwan.

Finally, we're sorry we granted you Most-Favored-Nation trading status. This will be rectified at the soonest possible opportunity. Along those lines, we're especially sorry we treated you with such respect for the last 20 years. We'll definitely rethink this policy, and will probably go back to treating you like a street gang very soon.

Sincerely,

The People of the United States of America

Military traditions

Top Holiday Traditions In The Military

9. Gluing Santa beard to your gas mask

8. Roasting chestnuts with an M4-A3 flamethrower

7. Draw up list of who's naughty, who's nice and who can't run their 2 miles without wheezing like an infant

6. Christmas morning, getting to sleep in till 0530

5. You open a gift and surprise! It's a khaki-colored t-shirt

4. Extra R&R for any personnel named Donner or Blitzen

3. There's always plenty of parking at the mall when you're driving a tank

2. Watching "Frosty" and crying my eyes out

1. Freeze-dried, shelf-stable, vacuum-sealed eggnog

Submarine humor & fun

Submarines are safer than airplanes. Proof in the fact is there are more airplanes in the water than submarines in the air!

---

Response from a junior (very junior) sonar watchstander

"Sonar - Conn, Report all contacts in preparation in coming to periscope depth"

"Conn - Sonar, I hold no contacts - how 'bout you..?"

"Sonar - Conn, Supervisor to the Conn"

---

QMOW: "Navigator we're on a course for sea mounts."

NAV: "Exec we're heading for shallow water."

EXEC: " Captain, we're running out of water."

CAPT: "What, no water, ...very well, secure the showers."

How Army policy began

This is Army policy all begins...

Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the Banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result - all the apes are sprayed with cold water.

Continue until, when another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes try to prevent it.

Now, turn off the cold water.

Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.

Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.

After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not?

"Because that's the way it's always been around here."

That's how Army policy begins...

Chinese learned this

Time sensitive note: This joke pertains to the crash of a Chinese plane into a United States plane over International waters. China demanded an apology from us and stole technology from our plane when it was forced to make an emergency landing in Chinese lands.

Top Ten Things The Chinese Have Learned By Examining Our Spy Plane

10. American codes can be broken by anyone with a basic understanding of Pig Latin

9. On-board computers were mainly used for Internet casino video poker

8. According to plaque, "When Bush gives order, nod politely, wait to hear what Cheney says"

7. Cockpit full of Colt 45 bottles

6. Mission was to determine if Chinese people can fly like in "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon"

5. "Cloaking device" button only there because pilot's a "Star Trek" fan

4. Maybe not the best idea to write "Spy plane" on wings

3. The plane's sole security feature: an angry kitty

2. Plane is so high-tech lavatories feature futuristic blue water!

1. Americans smell like Doritos and Aqua Velva

Be politically correct

How to be Politically Correct when talking about Men (Or Army Men)

---

He does not have a beer gut...

He has developed a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.(regular guys)

He has a personal war reserve stock.(army guys)

---

He is not quiet...

He is a Conversational Minimalist.

He is a SAMS grad.

---

He is not stupid...

He suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.

He is a field grade.

---

He does not get lost all the time...

He discovers Alternative Destinations.

He gets temporarily misoriented.

---

He is not balding...

He is in Follicle Regression.

He has a REALLY squared away high and tight.

---

He is not a cradle robber...

He prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.

He is breaking the new fraternization policies.

---

He does not get falling-down drunk...

He becomes Accidentally Horizontal.

He practices his IMTs in the club.

---

He is not short...

He is Anatomically Compact.

He suffers from a Napoleon Complex.

---

He does not have a rich daddy...

He is a Recipient of Parental Asset Infusion.

He has the Army as a hobby.

---

He does not constantly talk about cars...

He has a Vehicular Addiction.

He must be a Transporter.

---

He does not have a hot body...

He is Physically Combustible.

He is a PT stud.

---

He is not unsophisticated...

He is Socially Challenged.

He is a Ranger.

---

He does not eat like a pig...

He suffers from Reverse Bulimia.

He eats like a Ranger student at Pizza Hut.

---

He is not a bad dancer...

He is Overly Caucasian.

He is from the Muddy Boots Army.

---

He does not hog the blankets...

He is Thermally Unappreciative.

He is a Blue Falcon.

---

He is not a male chauvinist pig...

He has Swine Empathy.

He must be combat arms.

---

He is not afraid of commitment...

He is Monogamously Challenged.

He loves TDY.

If

Lots to contemplate here

If only one price can be obtained for a quotation, the price will be unreasonable.

If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough.

If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.

If reproducibility might be a problem, conduct the test only once.

If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on vacation.

If something is confidential, it will be left in the photocopy machine.

If something is done wrong often enough, it becomes right.

If 'success' consisted simply of not taking chances, then 'glory' would be at the disposal of the most mediocre talent.

If the assumptions are wrong, the conclusions are not likely to be very good.

If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.

If the probability of success is not almost one, it is damn near zero.

If the slightest probability for an unpleasant event to happen exists, the event will take place, preferably during a demonstration.

If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.

If there isn't a law, there will be.

If there is a 50-50 chance that something can go wrong, then 9 times out of 10 - it will.

If there is light at the end of the tunnel...order more tunnel.

If things were left to chance, they would be better.

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

If you aim for the stars but only make it to the moon, remember there are people who have not yet made it to the moon.

If you are already in a hole, there is no use to continue digging.

If you are asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants.

If you are coasting, you're going downhill.

If you are feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.

If you are given two contradictory orders, obey them both.

If you are not the lead dog, the scenery never changes.

If you are running for a short line, it suddenly becomes a long line.

If you are worried about being crazy, don't be overly concerned.

If you were, you would think you were sane.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you must have someone to blame.

If you cannot convince them, confuse them. (Harry S. Truman)

If you cannot dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.

If you cannot fix it, feature it.

If you cannot get your work done in a 24-hour day, then work nights!

If you cannot measure output, then you measure input.

If you cannot hope for order, withdraw with style from the chaos.

If you consult enough experts, you can confirm any opinion.

If you did what you always did, you'll get what you always got.

If you do a job too well, you will get stuck with it.

If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.

If you do not care where you are, then you aren't lost.

If you do not change direction, you are likely to end up where you are headed.

If you do not know what you're doing, do it neatly.

If you do not like the answer, you shouldn't have asked the question.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

If you do not say it, they can't repeat it.

If you do not understand it, it must be intuitively obvious.

If you explain so clearly that no one can possibly misunderstand, someone will.

If you file it, you'll know where it is but never need it.

If you don't file it, you'll need it but never know where it is.

If you have always done it that way, it is probably wrong.

If you have got them by the testicles, their hearts and minds will follow.

If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.

If you have something to do, and you put it off long enough, chances are someone else will do it for you.

If you have to ask, you are not entitled to know.

If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to boot yourself in the posterior.

If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.

If you keep saying things are going to be bad, you have a chance of being a prophet.

If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.

If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but

If you really make them think they'll hate you.

If you mess with a thing long enough, it will break.

If you plan to leave your mark in the sands of time, you better wear work shoes.

If you put it off long enough, it might go away.

If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent of doing you good, you should run for your life.

If you see that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, promptly develops.

If you stand in one place long enough, you make a line.

If you step out of a short line for a second, it becomes a long line.

If you think that OSHA is a small town in Wisconsin, you're in trouble.

If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.

If you throw something away, you will need it the next day.

If you try to please everybody, nobody will like it.

If you understand it, it is obsolete.

Huh?

What do these even mean?

He's as happy as a clamp.

You could have knocked me over with a fender.

That brings a tear to my thigh. 

He's as smooth as sandpaper. 

A genius is a genealogist's answer to the question 'Got a spare?'

Two wrongs don't make a right turn. 

It's raining like molasses in January.

I'm so hungry I could ride a horse.

I'd give my right arm to play guitar like that. 

He's no rocket surgeon.

You need to take the tollpike to get across the freeway. 

That's more fun than a barrel of pickles.

He and I went to different schools together.

Cross my legs and hope to die!

I like it when it stays light out until it gets dark.

If the cows are laying down, the fish aren't biting!

I have a lot of irons in the fire, but I'm holding them close to my chest.

That just opened Panda's box.

It is kisstomary to cuss the bride.

If you can't run with the big dogs, stay off the porch. 

You couldn't pay me to work on commission.

I could smell that with one nostril tied behind my back.

You hit the nail right on the nose.

The flies were dropping like a bat out of hell.

That guy would give you the arm off his back.

Go jump off a lake.

The gunman was believed to be armed.

I'm up to my ass in elbows.

I can lead you to horsewater, but I can't make you drink.

You play ball with me, and I'll scratch yours.

We're between a pickle and a hard spot.

It's half of one, six dozen of another.

You better get on the boat because the train is leaving the station! 

He's the cream of the corn.

There is no "I" in win.

There are too many cooks in the broth.

The short answer is 'Yes'. The long answer is 'No'.

Looks like I've spent the day chasing a wild herring!

He's as nervous as a long tailed cat out of the bag. 

We are the glue that keeps things moving.

Fits like a charm! Wait - fits like a shoe?

I'm going through paper like it grows on trees.

It just like stealing teeth from a baby.

He's hotter than a cracker.

I can tell you this, they are all sitting 2 inches higher in their seats, because they all just crapped their pants.

You're barking up a dead tree.

That's not his cup of cake.

Put yourself in my pants.

You don't want to shoot yourself in the foot because you might want to take a walk later.

Shut your mouth and eat your dinner.

I love being spontaneous. I just need a little warning.

We ought to make the pie higher.

I'm just talking out loud here. 

Golf is a game that is 90% mental and 10% mental.

Being in a hurry is a complete waste of time.

That guy smokes like a fish!

He's got one foot in the grave, and one on the ceiling. 

You can't pull the sheep over my eyes!

I wasn't rich like you guys. I didn't eat gold or have a flying pony.

After my C-section, the only thing I was allowed to drink was liquids.

All old people should be shot at birth.

He's as sharp as a new penny.

Don't ask "Can I?" - ask "I can!".

I know that area of town like the back of my head.

She's like the pot calling the kettle a frying pan.

She used enough scotch tape to feed a third world country.

That really burns my goat!

People are dying like pancakes here.

You shouldn't let people get under your goat.

I'm sweating like a bullet.

It's like six of one and two dozen of the other.

I hate to throw cold water on your bubble.

I just got my car fixed and it's runnin' like a dime.

That really raises the shackles on my neck.

I'm optimistic but my optimistics is on the other side of the teeter-totter.

We gotta get our soup and nuts together.

I'm trying to contain an outbreak, and you're driving the monkey to the airport!

I used to be as sharp as a button.

That'll put the monkey in your court.

It was time to separate the wheat from the baby.

You're only smart on the outside.

I guess you're just AOL.

If we can't lead them with a stick, we are going to have to beat them with a carrot.

Not everything that shines is baloney.

You're opening a complete can of Pandora's worms there.

Monday morning the fan is going to hit the roof.

I'm running around like a chicken with his legs cut off.

It sounds like sour milk, and I don't like the smell of it.

I don't want to put all my monkeys in one barrel.

We've got to dig our way out of this puppy.

Zero is better than nothing!

In the kingdom of the blind, the one-eyed horse is king!

You're a minefield of information.

Looks like he's thrown a wrench in the monkey works.

You don't want to put all your legs under one blanket.

I can't do it in the spur of a hat.

That really burns my craw!

A two-prawn approach is necessary.

He won't last, he's just a flash in the pants.

You gotta walk with your pants on.

Can I pick your ear?

I don't want to shoot myself in the hip.

A little pain never hurt anyone.

Is everyone else in the world a moron, or is it just me?

I can't come in to work because I need to have an autopsy.

I don't feel like the sharpest button on the beach today.

You have to keep all your marbles in the same duck.

We don't want to screw ourselves in the foot.

I feel like I'm beating my head against a dead horse.

The ball is in his camp now.

We need to get our ducks in the fire.

Whatever rubs your boat!

Don't put all your worms in one barrel because it might be more than you can chew. 

You know I'm just pulling your lamb.

If you fall and break your leg, don't come running to me!

They need to get all their ducks in one sock.

We don't want to go barking up a dead horse.

We're going to come out of this smelling like geniuses!

The ball is squarely on our shoulders.

The best way to learn is from the school of Fort Knox.

Make sure you cross your p's and q's.

Throw that monkey back over the fence.

She really rubs me up the wrong tree.

Well, I'm just busier than a one-armed naked man.

You're nothing but a P.I.G. hog.

He had all of his ducks in one sock.

I've just got my feet in too many pies right now.

This thing is about to grow legs and take off.

Are you going to call the whole kettle black because of one bad potato?

If we do that we'll open up a whole new wormhole.

Will everyone stop misundermining me!

I'd like to be a fish on the wall at that meeting.

He was slow as Moses.

I am sick and tired of the lack of disrespect towards me!

My arms were knee-deep in mud.

'I see,' said the blind man to the fly.

We need to find a solution, even if it isn't the right one.

Hey, don't eat the messenger!

It's only when this business comes into the foreplay that we should be concerned.

Why Men Can't Win...

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.

If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.

If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt
and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.

If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.

If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.

If you don't, you're insensitive. 

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.

If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.

If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.

If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.

If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.

If you're not, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.

If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

 

Friendship Test

First things first: 

NO CHEATING Don't cheat. 

This is a little game that has a pretty funny/creepy outcome. Don't read ahead, just do it in order. It takes about 3 minutes It's worth it.
It's kinda eerie.... 

First, Get a blank piece of paper and pen. 

P.S. When you are asked to choose names, make sure it's people you ACTUALLY KNOW, and go with your first instincts! 

Scroll down one line at a time - don't read ahead or you'll ruin the fun!! 

1.) First, write the numbers 1 through 11 in a column. 

2.) Then, beside numbers 1 and 2, write any two numbers you want. 

3.) Beside the 3 and 7, write down the names of members of the opposite sex (or same sex if you're gay). Don't look ahead-or it won't turn out right. 

4.) Write anyone's name (like friends or family...) in the 4th, 5th and 6th spots. Don't cheat or you'll be upset that you did. 

5.) Write down four song titles in 8, 9, 10 and 11. 

6.) Finally, make a wish
And here is the key for that game.. 

1.) You must tell (the number in space 2) people about this game 

2.) The person in space 3 is the one that you love. 

3.) The person in 7 is one you like but can't work out. 

4.) You care most about the person you put in 4. 

5.) The person you name in number 5 is the one who knows you very well. 

6.) The person you name in 6 is your lucky star. 

7.) The song in 8 is the song that matches with the person in number 3. 

8.) The title in 9 is the song for the person in 7. 

9.) The tenth space is the song that tells you most about your mind. 

10.) And 11 is the song telling how you feel about life.

 

Husband store

Recently a "Husband Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to find some husbands...

First floor

The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor

The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor

This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework."
"Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.

Fourth floor

This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak."
"Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor

The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. The exit is to your left."

 

The Rules

1. The female always makes the rules.

2. The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notifications.

3. No male can possilby know all the rules. Nearly all females are born
with this knowledge.

4. If the female suspects the male knows the rules she may immediately
change some or all the rules.

5. The female is never wrong.

6. If the female is wrong, it is because of a misunderstanding, which is the direct result of a male having said or done something wrong.

7. If rule #6 applies, the male must immediately apologize for the misunderstanding.

8. The female can change her mind at any given point in time.

9. The male can never change his mind without the express written consent
of a female.

11. The female has every right to be upset or angry at any time.

12. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to
be angry or upset.

13. The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether or
not she want him to be angry or upset.

14. Any attempt to change the rules could result in severe bodily harm.