Economists Jokes
Three people are
stranded on a small island. One is a physicist, one is a circus strongman, and
one is an economist. After a few days of surviving on fruit, they discover a
cache of canned food, and they have to decide how to open it. The physicist
says to the strongman "Why don't you climb that tree, and smash the cans
down on the rocks, and burst them open?"
The strongman says, "No, that
would spatter the stuff all over. I can open the cans with my teeth!"
The
economist says "First, we must assume that we have a can opener."
A man takes a
balloon ride at a local country fair. A fierce wind suddenly kicks up, causing
the balloon to violently leave the fair and carry its occupant out into the
countryside. The man has no idea where he is, so he goes down to five meters
above ground and asks a passing wanderer: "Excuse me, sir, can you tell me
where I am?"
Eyeing the man in the balloon the
passer-by says: "You are in a downed red balloon, five meters above
ground."
"How could
you possible know that?" asked the passer-by.
"Because your answer is technically correct but absolutely useless, and
the fact is I am still lost".
"Then you must be in management",
said the passer-by.
"Thats right! How did you know?"
"You have such a good view from where you are, and yet you don't know
where you are and you don't know where you are going. The fact is you are in
the exact same position you were in before we met, but now your problem is
somehow my fault!"
Why has astrology been invented? So that economy could be an
accurate science.
An economist and
an accountant are walking along a large puddle. They get across a frog jumping
on the mud. The economist says: "If you eat the frog I'll give you
$20,000!"
The accountant checks his budget and figures out he's better off eating it, so
he does and collects money.
Continuing along the same puddle
they almost step into yet another frog. The accountant says: "Now, if you
eat this frog I'll give you $20,000."
After evaluating the proposal the economist eats the frog and gets the money.
They go on. The accountant starts
thinking: "Listen, we both have the same amount of money we had before,
but we both ate frogs. I don't see us being better off."
The economist: "Well, that's true, but you overlooked the fact that we've
been just involved in $40,000 of trade."
An economist returns to visit his old school. He's interested
in the current exam questions and asks his old professor to show some. To his
surprise they are exactly the same ones to which he had answered 10 years ago!
When he asks about this the professor answers: "the questions are always
the same - only the answers change!"
An economic forecaster was known to have an horseshoe
prominently displayed above the doorframe of his office. Asked what it was for,
he replied "it is a good luck charm that helps my forecasts".
"But do you believe in that
superstition?" he was asked.
"Of
course not!" he said, "but it works whether you believe in it or
not."
An economist was leaving his office building and saw a little
boy sitting on the curb with a dog. The boy yelled at the economist, "Hey,
how would you like to buy a dog."
The man was intrigued by this sales approach and asked the boy, "How much
do you want for your dog."
The boy told him, "Fifty thousand dollars."
"Fifty thousand dollars!" the man repeated in astonishment.
"What special tricks does this dog do that he can earn enough money to be
worth fifty thousand dollars?" the man asked the boy.
The boy replied, "Mister, this dog never made a nickel in his life. Matter
of fact, count what he eats I guess you could say you lose money on him every
year."
The economist felt this was a good
time to explain economics to the young man and expounded on how an item had to
produce more income than it consumed to equal a purchase price ending with he
might get five dollars from someone who just wanted a companion. Feeling he had
imparted a very valuable lesson to the young man, the economist went on his
way.
A few
weeks later, the economist came out of his office building and the small boy
was again sitting on the curb minus the dog. The man said to him, "I see
you took my advise and sold the dog for five dollars."
The boy said, "No, I got fifty thousand dollars for him."
The business man was completely flabbergasted. "How did you ever get fifty
thousand dollars for that dog" he asked.
"It was easy," said the boy. "I traded him for two twenty five thousand dollar cats."
There are two types of economists:
-
those who cannot forecast interest rates, and
- those who do not know that they cannot forecast interest rates.
An economics professor and a student were strolling through the
campus.
"Look," the student cried, "there's a $100 bill on the
path!"
"No, you are mistaken," the wiser head replied. "That cannot be.
If there were actually a $100 bill, someone would have picked it up."
George T.
Milkovich and Jerry M. Newman, "Compensation"
Inflation allows you to live in a more expensive neigbourhood
without moving.
Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few
short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it
stops moving, subsidise it.
Feudalism: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
Socialism: You have two cows. State takes one and gives it to someone else.
Communism: You have two cows. State takes both of them and gives you as much
milk as you need.
Bureaucratic Communism: You have two cows. State takes both of them and gives
you as much milk as the regulations say you should need.
Bureaucracy: You have two cows. State regulates what you can feed them and when
you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both
cows, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it
requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
Fascism: You have two cows. State takes both of them and sells you milk.
Nazism: You have two cows. State takes both of them and shoots you.
Liberalism: You have two cows. State doesn't care whether you exist, let alone
your cows.
Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
How economists do it...
Economists do it cyclically.
Economists do it on demand.
Economists do it with models.
Economists do it with crystal balls.
Senior management
had collected a lot of operations data but did not know what to do with it.
They knew they needed a numbers person and decided to interview an accountant,
an engineer and an economist. During the interview they assessed their math
skills.
First was the accountant.
Interview: What is 1+1?
Accountant: 1+1 = 2.
Interview: Are you sure?
Accountant: Absolutely. 1+1 equals 2 and only 2.
Next the engineer.
Interview: What is 1+1?
Engineer: 1+1 = 2.
Interview: Are you sure?
Engineer: Well, within acceptable tolerance levels yes, 1+1 is 2.
Last the economist.
Interview: What is 1+1?
The economist got up, closed the door, drew the blinds, leaned across the table
and replied "What do you want it to equal?"
Engineers Jokes
Three men: a
project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are helping out
on a project. About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during
their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub
the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you three
wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish."
The hardware engineer went first.
"I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries." The genie
granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.
The software engineer went next.
"I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising
the Mediterranean with no money worries." The genie
granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.
Last, but not least, it was the
project manager's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the
genie.
"I want them both back after
lunch" replied the project manager.
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a
red rubber ball and told to find the volume.
The mathematician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple
integral.
The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and
measured the total displacement.
The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his red-rubber-ball
table.
What's the difference between mechanical engineers and civil
engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons.
Civil engineers build targets.
The wireless
telegraph is not difficult to understand. The ordinary telegraph is like a very
long cat. You pull the tail in New York, and it meows in Los Angeles. The wireless is the same, only without
the cat.
Albert Einstein
Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to
launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the
space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the
frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the
windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the
windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and when
the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of
the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens,
crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and
embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.
Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along
with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions. NASA's
response was just one sentence, "THAW THE CHICKEN!"
An astronaut in space was asked by a reporter, "How do you
feel?"
"How would you feel," the astronaut replied, "if you were stuck
here, on top of 20,000 parts each one supplied by the lowest bidder?"
During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, NASA decided
it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space
capsules.
After considerable research and
development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of $1 million. The pen
worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on
earth.
The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a
pencil.
If it wasn't for
Thomas Alva Edison, we'd all be watching TV to the light of a candle.
Irrigation of the land with seawater desalinated by fusion
power is ancient. It's called rain.
An engineer, a mathematician and an arts graduate were given
the task of finding the height of a church steeple (the first to get the
correct solution wins a $1000).
The engineer tried to remember
things about differential pressures, but resorted to climbing the steeple and
lowering a string on a plumb bob until it touched the ground and then climbed
down and measured the length of the string.
The Mathematician laid out a
reference line, measured the angle to the top of the steeple from both ends and
worked out the height by trigonometry.
However,
the arts graduate won the prize. He bought the vicar a beer in the local pub
and he told him how high the church steeple was.
The great mathematician John Von Neumann was consulted by a
group who was building a rocket ship to send into outer space. When he saw the
incomplete structure, he asked, "Where did you get the plans for this
ship?"
He was told, "We have our own staff of engineers."
He disdainfully replied: "Engineers! Why, I have complete sewn up the
whole mathematical theory of rocketry. See my paper of 1952."
Well, the group consulted the 1952 paper, completely scrapped their 10 million
dollar structure, and rebuilt the rocket exactly according to Von Neumann's
plans. The minute they launched it, the entire structure blew up. They angrily
called Von Neumann back and said: "We followed your instructions to the
letter. Yet when we started it, it blew up! Why?"
Von Neumann replied, "Ah, yes; that is technically known as the blow-up
problem - I treated that in my paper of 1954."
An engineering student is walking along when a fellow student
arrives on a new bicycle. Impressed, he asks, "Where did you got this
beautiful bicycle?"
"Well," the second
engineering student says, "A couple of days ago I was just walking along
when this gorgeous blonde pulls up, hops off the bike, rips off all her
clothes, and says 'take what you want'."
The
other engineering student nods and says "Good choice. The clothes probably
wouldn't have fit."
Three freshman engineering students were sitting around talking
between classes, when one brought up the question of who designed the human
body.
One of the students insisted that
the human body must have been designed by an electrical engineer because of the
perfection of the nerves and synapses.
Another disagreed, and exclaimed
that it had to have been a mechanical engineer who designed the human body. The
system of levers and pulleys is ingenious.
"No,"
the third student said "your both wrong. The human body was designed by an
architect. Who else but an architect would have put a toxic waste line through
a recreation area?"
The physician can bury his mistakes, but the architect can only
advise his clients to plant vines.
Doctors bury their mistakes, architects just plant ivy.
Lawyers hang their blunders, doctors bury theirs, architects plant vines and
teachers send theirs into politics.
Top Ten Things Engineering School didn't Teach You
1. There are at least 10 types of
capacitors.
2. Theory tells you how a circuit works, not
why it does not work.
3. Not everything works according to the
specs in the databook.
4. Anything practical you learn will be
obsolete before you use it, except the complex math, which you will never use.
5. Engineering is like having an 8 a.m. class
and a late afternoon lab every day for the rest of your life.
6. Overtime pay? What overtime pay?
7. Managers, not engineers, rule the world.
8. Always try to fix the hardware with
software.
9. If you like junk food, caffeine and
all-nighters, go into software.
10. Dilbert
is not a comic strip, it's a documentary.
A start-up engineer is someone who solves a problem you didn't
know you had, in a way you don't understand.
After Receiving an Invitation to an Inventors' Ball:
Edison thought it would be an illuminating
experience.
Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam.
Stephenson thought the whole idea was loco.
Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight.
Morse's reply: "I'll be there on the dot. Can't stop now must dash."
Pick-Up Lines to use on Engineering Chicks
I
won't stop bugging you until I get the address of your home page.
Let's convert our potential energy to kinetic energy.
Wanna come back to my room and see my 166mhz Pentium?
How about you and I go back to my place and form a covalent bond?
You're sweeter than glucose.
We're as compatible as two similar Power Macintoshes.
Wanna see the programs in my HP-48GX?
Your body has the nicest arc length I've ever seen.
You're hotter than a bunsen burner set to full power!
My love for you is like a concave up function because it is always increasing.
Real Engineers consider themselves well dressed if their socks
match.
Real Engineers buy their spouses a set of matched screwdrivers for their
birthday.
Real engineers have a non-technical vocabulary of 800 words.
Real Engineers repair their own cameras, telephones, televisions, watches, and
automatic transmissions.
Real Engineers say "It's 70 degrees Fahrenheit, 25 degrees Celsius, and
298 Kelvin" and all you say is "Isn't it a nice day?"
Real Engineers wear badges so they don't forget who they are. Sometimes a note
is attached saying "Don't offer me a ride today. I drove my own car".
Real Engineers' politics run towards acquiring a parking space with their name
on it and an office with a window.
Real Engineers know the "ABC's of Infrared" from A to B.
Real Engineers know how to take the cover off of their computer, and are not
afraid to do it.
Real Engineers' briefcases contain a Phillips screwdriver, a copy of
"Quantum Physics", and a half of a peanut butter sandwich.
Real Engineers don't find the above at all funny.
The Dictionary: what engineers say and what
they mean by it
Major
Technological Breakthrough
Back to the drawing board.
Developed after
years of intensive research
It was discovered by accident.
The designs are
well within allowable limits
We just made it, stretching a point or two.
Test results were
extremely gratifying
It works, and are we surprised!
Customer
satisfaction is believed assured
We are so far behind schedule that the customer was happy to get
anything at all.
Close project
coordination
We should have asked someone else; or, let's spread the responsibility
for this.
Project slightly
behind original schedule due to unforeseen difficulties
We are working on something else.
The design will
be finalized in the next reporting period
We haven't started this job yet, but we've got to say something.
A number of
different approaches are being tried
We don't know where we're going, but we're moving.
Extensive effort
is being applied on a fresh approach to the problem
We just hired three new guys; we'll let them kick it around for a while.
Preliminary
operational tests are inconclusive
The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
The entire
concept will have to be abandoned
The only guy who understood the thing quit.
Modifications are
underway to correct certain minor difficulties
We threw the whole thing out and are starting from scratch.
Essentially
complete.
Half done.
We predict...
We hope to God!
Drawing release
is lagging.
Not a single drawing exists.
Risk is high, but
acceptable.
100 to 1 odds, or with 10 times the budget and 10 times the manpower, we
may
have a 50/50 chance.
Serious, but not
insurmountable, problems.
It will take a miracle. God should be the program manager.
Not well defined.
Nobody has thought about it.
Requires further
analysis and management attention.
Totally out of control.
The project is
designed for high availability.
Malfunctions will be blamed on the operators mistakes.
This project has
low maintenance requirements.
We wouldn't let the technicians change a light bulb, much less fool
around with our baby.
The software is
being developed without excessive process overhead.
The documentation will be written in clear and lucid Chinese.
The delivery is
scheduled for the last quarter of next year.
This leaves us plenty of time to decide who to blame for it being late.
Any circuit design must contain at
least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three
parts which are still under development.
Nothing ever gets built on
schedule or within budget.
A failure will not appear till a
unit has passed final inspection.
If you can't fix it -- document
it.
The primary function of the design
engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the
serviceman.
How engineers do it...
Engineers do it with precision.
Electrical engineers are shocked when they do it.
Electrical engineers do it on an impulse.
Electrical engineers do it with large capacities.
Electrical engineers do it with more frequency and less resistance.
Electrical engineers do it with more power and at higher frequency.
Mechanical engineers do it with stress and strain.
Mechanical engineers do it with less energy and greater efficiency.
Chemical Engineers do it in fluidized beds.
City planners do it with their eyes closed.
Petroleum engineers do it with lubrication.
Reservoir engineers do it thoroughly and with lot of simulation.
Drilling engineers do it with smooth penetration aided by lubrication, frequent
short wiper tripps, and at the end slug is pumped before they pull out.
You Might Be an Engineer if...
- your
favorite James Bond character is "Q".
- you
see a good design and still have to change it.
- you
still own a slide rule and you know how to use it.
- your
family haven't the foggiest idea what you do at work.
- in
college you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure.
- you
have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven.
- you
are better with a Karnaugh map than you are with a street map.
- you
think the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission
controllers.
- you
take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room.
- you
think "cuddling" is simply an unproductive application of heat
exchange
- you
have owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for.
- you
make four sets of drawings (with seven revisions) before making a bird
bath.
- you
have trouble writing anything unless the paper has horizontal and vertical
lines.
- your
ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie
looking for technical inaccuracies.
you think the value of a book is directly proportionate to the amount of
tables, charts and graphs it contains.
A doctor, lawyer, priest and an engineer are golfing as a
foursome on a beautiful Sunday morning. They're approaching a really slow group
ahead of them, and they ask the groundskeeper, "what's the deal?"
Turns out the group ahead of them are legally blind firefighters who saved an orphanage
on Christmas. "Wow, I'll see if there's anything I can do for their
quality of living", said the doctor. "I can start a collection",
stated the priest. "I'm sure there are benefits and programs for them out
there, I'll see what I can do to help," said the lawyer. .... They all
turned and looked at the engineer, and he simply replied,"why can't they
play at night?".
In an Exam -
Q. - Prove that 2+2=0.
Art student - this question
is out of syllabus.
Commerce student - problem
is not well defined.
Doctor - research in
progress but no result found.
Engineering student - it is
so simple...
2+2=0
two+two=0
tw(0+0)=0
if tw=0
than 0+0=0
0=0
ENGINEERS ARE INCREDIBLE !
Question: What is the difference
between engineer boots and cowboy boots?
Answer: Cowboy boots have the bull-crap on the outside!
An optomist sees their glass as
half full.
A pesssimist sees their glass as half empty.
An engineer sees their glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Everyone else Jokes
A secretary was
leaving the office one Friday evening when she encountered Mr. Jones, the Human
Resources manager, standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his
hand.
"Listen," said Mr.
Jones, "this is important, and my secretary has already left. Can you make
this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the
secretary. She turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start
button.
"Excellent,
excellent!" said Mr. Jones as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I
just need one copy."
A man was given the job of painting the white lines down the
middle of a highway. On his first day he painted six miles; the next day three
miles; the following day less than a mile. When the foreman asked the man why
he kept painting less each day, he replied "I just can't do any better.
Each day I keep getting farther away from the paint can."
Two employees for the gas company were at a house call. The
younger man said to the older one, "Geez, you're old!"
"Yeah, that may be so, but I can still outrun you," replied the older
employee.
"How about a foot race to see if your'e right," said the younger
employee.
With that they start running at full speed around that block. The older man
kept up with the younger man around the first corner, the second corner, the
third corner. As they come up on the last corner, the younger man sees an
elderly woman running as fast as her legs could carry her. Puzzled by this,
they both stop ask her why she was running behind them. The old woman caught
her breath and said, "Well, you were at my home checking my gas meter, and
when I saw you running away, I figured I'd better run too!"
A preacher dies, and when he gets to Heaven, he sees a New
York cab driver who has more crowns. He says to an angel, "I don't get it.
I devoted my whole life to my congregation."
The angel says, "We reward
results. Did your congregation always pay attention when you gave a
sermon?"
The preacher says, "Once in a
while someone fell asleep."
The
angel says, "Right. And when people rode in this guy's taxi, they not only
stayed awake, but they usually prayed!"
A man is hired by the circus to perform a necessary but rather
unpleasant task. He is asked to walk behind the elephants in the center ring,
shoveling aside their droppings as they walk about. After a rather difficult
evening at work, he goes to the circus cafeteria, sits with other workers, and
begins complaining about his work.
"It's just terrible work,
walking behind those huge beasts and first dodging, then shoveling aside the
dung they produce. My arms are tired, my shoes and pants are a mess, and I'll
have to shower before I return home, because of the stink."
His friends at work agree:
"Why don't you just quit this miserable job and find something more
rewarding to do. You have to have some skills and talents that you can put to
use somewhere else."
He
looks at them, stunned: "You know, you're probably right, but I just can't
give up the glamour of show business!"
A movie producer is lying by the pool at the Beverly Hilton.
His partner arrives in a great state of excitement. "How'd the meeting
go?" asks the first guy.
"It went great," says
his buddy. "Tarentino will write and direct for six million, Mel Gibson
will star for eight, and we can bring in the whole picture for under fifty
million."
"Fabulous," says the guy
by the pool.
"There's just one
catch," his partner warns.
"What's the catch?"
"We
have to put up ten thousand in cash".
Stammerer: "I hea..hea... heard
tha...that you can hel...hel...help me".
Speech therapist: "Yes, sure. Ease yourself in the chair, look straight in
my eyes, and count slowly till ten".
Stammerer: "O...one, t...two, th...th...three, ..... eight, nine, ten.
It's wonderful, I don't stammer anymore!"
Speech therapist: "My fee is 300 dollar."
Stammerer: "H...h...how mu...mu...much?!"
Abraham wanted a new suit, so he bought a nice piece of cloth
and then tried to locate a tailor. The first tailor he visited looked at the
cloth and measured Abraham, then told him the cloth was not enough to make a
suit.
Abraham was unhappy with this opinion
and sought another tailor. This tailor measured Abraham, then measured the
cloth, and then smiled and said, "There is enough cloth to make a pair of
trousers, a coat and a vest, please come back in a week to take your
suit."
After
a week Abraham came to take his new suit, and saw the tailor's son wearing
trousers made of the same cloth. Perplexed, he asked, "Just how could you
make a full suit for me and trousers for your son, when the other tailor could
not make a suit only?"
"It's very simple," replied the tailor, "The other tailor has
two sons."
Andy wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to
meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector puts this question to him:
"What would you do if you realised that two trains were heading for each
other on the same track?"
Andy says, "I would switch the points for one of the trains."
"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.
"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Andy, "and I'd
use the manual lever over there."
"What if that had been struck by lightning?"
"Then," Andy continues, "I'd run back into the signal box and
phone the next signal box."
"What if the phone was engaged?"
"Well in that case," persevered Andy, "I'd rush down out of the
box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."
"What if that was vandalised?"
"Oh well then I'd run into the village and get my uncle Silas."
This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?"
Came the answer, "Because he's never seen a train crash."
An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and
came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the
curator of a prestigious natural-history museum. "I've just discovered a
3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited
scientist exclaimed.
To which the curator replied,
"Bring him in. We'll check it out." A week later, the amazed curator
called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause
of death. How in the world did you know?"
"Easy.
There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on
Goliath'."
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have: the
older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
Those three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great
their fathers are.
The first one says: "Well, my
father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he
gets there before the arrow".
The second one says: "Ha! You
think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there
before the bullet".
The
third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: "You
two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at
4:30 and he is home by 3:45"!!
A graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it
work?"
A graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
A graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
A graduate with a Law degree asks, "Who gave it a permission to
work?"
A graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Would you like fries with
that?"
Psychology is actually biology.
Biology is actually chemistry.
Chemistry is actually physics.
And physics is actually math.
If you understand it and can prove it, then send it to a
journal of mathematics.
If you understand it, but can't prove it, then send it to a physics journal.
If you can't understand it, but can prove it, then send it to an economics
journal.
If you can neither understand it nor prove it, then send it to a psychology
journal.
A Marketing Manager got married to a woman who had previously
been married eight times. On his wedding night, his wife informed him that she
was still a virgin. This was her explanation:
- My
first husband was a sales representative who spent our entire marriage
telling me, in grandiose terms, "It's gonna be great"!
- My
second husband was from software services; he was never quite sure how it
was supposed to function, but he said he would send me the documentation.
- My
third husband was an accountant. His comments were that he knew how, but
he just wasn't sure whether or not it was his job.
- My
fourth husband was a teacher, and he simply said, "Those who
can...do; those who can't...teach".
- My
fifth husband was an engineer. He told me that he understood the basic
process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new
state-of-the-art method.
- My
sixth husband was a psychiatrist and all he ever wanted to do was talk
about it.
- My
seventh husband was a help-desk coordinator and he kept teaching me how to
do it myself.
- My
eighth husband was in technical support, and he kept saying, "Don't
worry, it'll be up any minute now."
The wife said sweetly to her new husband, "Now I am married to you,
a man of marketing". The husband looked at his wife and simply said,
"I know I have the product, I'm just not sure how to position it".
A CEO has his business going well, but he's
a bit worried. He decides to check the competence of his employees.
The first person he meets is his
assistant:
- Oh Miss, I'd like to ask you just a question. How much make 2+2 ?
- Yes Sir. Do you want a detailed memo on that?
- No, just answer the question.
- Well, I think it's 4.
Then he goes to the computer tech:
- Hi John! Just a question. Can you tell me how much make 2+2 ?
John runs Excel, and after five minutes answers:
- It is 4.00 E+0, but I'm not sure, the support staff should come tomorrow.
Will I ask them to check it?
Then he goes to the accountant:
- Hello mister, can you tell me how much make 2+2 ?
- Well, well, I know I'm late. I'm sorry. I didn't already collect all the
data, neither check all the accounts. But I can estimate it now between
3.196... and... let's say... 5.659. But I'll be able to make a much more
accurate estimate within two weeks!
A bit disappointed, he goes to the
sales manager:
- Hello Bob, could you tell me how much make 2+2 ?
- So... How much do you think it makes?
- I ask you to answer.
- Mmh... you don't want to tell me your price. You want me to make an offer. -
Indeed.
- So, let's say 6! No, excuse me, you're not that kind of man, you know the
market. I sell it to you for 5.25, and that's the price I' make for my best
friend!
Then he goes to his lawyer:
- Good Morning Mister. Can you tell me how much make 2+2?
- Right now?
- Yes!
- So, at first I would say 2, but I'm convinced that with a good preparation,
we can get 3!
And,
finally, he goes to the actuary:
- Hello Sir, can you tell me how much make 2+2 ?
- Of course. It is... It is... Mmmmh, well, how much would you like it to make?
Heaven and Hell
In Heaven:
The cooks are French,
The policemen are English,
The mechanics are German,
The lovers are Italian,
The bankers are Swiss.
In Hell:
The cooks are English,
The policemen are German,
The mechanics are French,
The lovers are Swiss,
The bankers are Italian.
Old
accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
Old actuaries never die, they just get broken down by age and sex.
Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.
Old chemists never die, they just reach equilibrium.
Old cosmologists never die, they just go to another world.
Old doctors never die, they just loose their patience.
Old dynamicists never die, they just lose their attraction.
Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.
Old geologists never die, they just recrystallize.
Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.
Old lawyers never die, they just threaten their doctor with malpractice.
Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
Old mathematicians never die, they tend to zero.
Old mathematicians never die, they just lose some of their functions.
Old professors never die, they just lose their faculties.
Old programmers never die, they just gosub without return.
Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.
Old publishers never die, they just go out of print.
Old statisticians never die, they just become nonsignificant.
Old thermodynamicists never die, they just achieve their state of maximum
entropy.
Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
You are one of three people on a malfunctioning airplane with
only one parachute. How would you react?
Pessimist: you refuse the parachute because you might die on the jump anyway.
Optimist: you refuse the parachute because people have survived crashes just
like this before.
Procrastinator: you play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.
Bureaucrat: you order them to conduct a feasibility study on parachute use in
multi-engine aircraft under code red conditions.
Computer Scientist: you design a machine capable of operating a parachute as
well as a human being could.
Mathematician: you refuse to accept the parachute without proof that it will
work in all cases.
Engineer: you make them another parachute out of aisle curtains and dental
floss.
Psychoanalyst: you ask them what the shape of a parachute reminds them of.
Doctor: you tell them you need to run more tests, then take the parachute in
order to make your next appointment.
Lawyer: you charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline.
Judge: after reminding them of their constitutional right to have a parachute,
you take it and jump out.
Economist: your only rational and moral choice is to take the parachute, as the
free market will take care of the other person.
Statistician: you plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular intervals, how
much they would pay for a parachute.
IRS auditor: you confiscate the parachute along with their luggage, wallet, and
gold fillings.
Manager: as you jump out with the parachute, you tell them to work hard and not
expect handouts.
Consultant: you tell them not to worry, since it won't take you long to learn
how to fix a plane.
Salesperson: you sell them the parachute at top retail rates and get the names
of their friends and relatives who might like one too.
Advertiser: you strip-tease while singing that what they need is a neon
parachute with computer altimeter for only $39.99.
Philosopher: you ask how they know the parachute actually exists.
Teacher: you give them the parachute and ask them to send you a report on how
well it worked.
English major: you explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute instructions.
Comparative Literature major: you read the parachute instructions in all four
languages.
Dramatist: you tie them down so they can watch you develop the character of a person
stuck on a falling plane without a parachute.
Modern Painter: you hang the parachute on the wall and sign it.
Auto Mechanic: as long as you are looking at the plane engine, it works fine.
An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and
the value of nothing.
An actuary is someone who brings a
fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be
another bomb on the plane.
An archaeologist is a person who's
career lies in ruins.
An architect is someone who makes
beautiful models, but unaffordable realities.
An auditor is someone who arrives
after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
A banker is a fellow who lends you
his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to
rain.
Mark Twain
A chemical engineer is a man who
is doing for a profit what an organic chemist only does for fun.
A consultant is someone who takes
the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
A diplomat is someone who can tell
you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
An economist is an expert who will
know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
Laurence J. Peter
An editor is a person employed on
a newspaper whose business it is to separate the wheat from the chaff, and to
see that the chaff is printed.
Elbert Hubbard
A journalist is someone who spend
50% of its time not saying what he knows and 50% of its time talking about
things he doesn't know.
A lawyer is a person who writes a
10,000 word document and calls it a "brief".
Franz Kafka
A mathematician is a blind man in
a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there.
Charles R. Darwin
A modern artist is one who throws
paint on canvas, wipes it off with a cloth and sells the cloth.
A philosopher is a person who
doesn't have a job but at least understands why.
A professor is one who talks in
someone else's sleep.
A programmer is someone who solves
a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
A psychologist is a man whom you
pay a lot of money to ask you questions that your wife asks free of charge.
A schoolteacher a is disillusioned
woman who used to think she liked children.
A sociologist is someone who, when
a beautiful women enters the room and everybody look at her, looks at everybody.
A statistician is someone who is
good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
A
topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a
doughnut.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Pierre de Fermat: I just don't
have room here to give the full explanation.
Zeno of Elea: To prove it could
never reach the other side.
Albert Einstein: Whether the
chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends on your
frame of reference.
Freud: The fact that you are at
all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual
insecurity.
Bill Gates: I have just released
the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay
eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.
Darwin: Chickens, over great
periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now
genetically disposed to cross roads.
Karl Marx: It was a historical
inevitability.
Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly
go where no chicken has gone before.
Social Worker: It crossed the road
to be able to understand both sides.
An actuary: It looked in the file
and that's what it did last year.
A consultant: Deregulation of the
chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The
chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the
competencies required for the newly competitive market. Our consulting firm, in
a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its
physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry
Integration Model (PIM), we helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies,
knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and
technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management
framework. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business
integration solution.
Martin Luther King, Jr.: I
envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having
their motives called into question.
Moses: And God came down from the
Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road."
And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the
road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before
you believe it?
Machiavelli: The point is that the
chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies
whatever motive here was.
Timothy Leary: Because that's the
only trip the establishment would let it take.
Colonel
Sanders: I missed one?
What do you call
a caseworker who just broke up with her boyfriend?
Homeless.
Question: What inventory method
does a petstore use ?
FIDO
How do dogs get
into town?
On the bark and ride bus!
A railwayman was training to be an actor, but he forgot the
lines.
He takes a general view of the building, his client and his
client's secretary's view. Also he asks the opinion of his own secretary as
well as his his colleagues to find as much as he can about the said building.
He charges the highest interest.
