GENDER JOKES

Men vs. Women

 

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.

If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A  man would not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Any married man should forget his mistakes.

There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Mr. or Mrs. Computer

Is your computer male or female? As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female (e.g., "Steady as she goes", or"She's listing to starboard, Captain!"). Recently, a group of computers cientists (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow:
1.  No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2.  The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3.  The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going totell you".
4.  Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
5.  As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were   male.  Their reasons follow:
1.  They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2.  They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
3.  As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
4.  In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
5.  Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.

On The Job Training

Three couples were married and stayed at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they were all taken care of by Dave the Bellboy.

The first man married a nurse.

Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself, "What a lucky guy. Nurses are known to be hot to trot".

The second man married a telephone operator.

Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself,"Wow, he's a lucky one. Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top button...Va-voom.".

The third man married a school teacher.

Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself, "Poor guy, she's pretty but teachers are just too frigid".

The next morning, Dave reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected only the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other two would call much later in the day.

At 6:00 a.m. the phone rang. It was the nurse's husband wanting breakfast. The nurse's husband opened the door and Dave stepped back in shock. The man's pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.

Dave asked, "What happened sir? You married a nurse.

The man sourly replies, "Son, don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying, " You're not sanitary,you're not sanitary."

At 6:30 a.m., the phone rang again.

The telephone operator's husband called for breakfast. Dave brought it as fast as possible hoping for the best. The man opened the door and Dave stepped back in shock. The man's hair and pajamas were properly combed and pressed.

Dave asked," What happened? Telephone operators are supposed to be as sexy as their voices."

The man sourly replies "Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was her a nasal voice saying, "You're three minute sare up, your three minutes are up."

Dave went back down to the desk, just knowing the teachers husband would be calling any minute.

Finally at 4:30 p.m., the teacher's husband called for breakfast.

Dave can't believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couples room. Theman opened the door and Dave took a step back in shock. The man was wearing only his boxers, his hair was a mess, and he had scratch marks on his chest, arms and legs.

Joe fearing the worst,asked " What happened to you? Did you have a fight?"

The man smiled and happily replied, "No. Son, when you marry, be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy smooth voice saying "We are going to do this over and over, until we get right."

Secrets of a Successful Date

Before you leave your house...
1. Put on a little too much cologne.

2. Before you leave home, fill your pockets with mints. When your date says something to you when she's really close, give her a mint. EX: Girl - ''This movie sure is romantic.'' Guy - ''Here's a mint, now what did you say?''
When you go to pick her up:
1. When you get to her door, don't knock or ring the doorbell, just go on in. She's expecting you.
2. Call her parents by their first names.
3. If she asks you how she looks, and her parents are nearby, tell her she looks sexy.
4. When introducing yourself to her parents, tell them that you prefer to go by your gang name.
5. Always look nice when you meet the parents. wear a new Marlboro jacket and be sure to tell them how many Marlboro bucks it took to get it. Parents smile upon a man that can save his Marlboro money.
6. Show respect. Take your Fubu cap and matching coat off when you enter the house. Make sure you wear your cap and coat in the summer too. If her parents ask why, tell them that you're ''keepin' it real.''
On the way to wherever:
1. Do NOT let her touch the radio or the air conditioner. You are the man, make sure she knows that.
2. If she makes up for lost time by putting on her lipstick in the car, gently tap the brakes at the same time the lipstick touches her mouth.
3. Check out the girl in the other car while at the stoplight.
4. If you pick the girl up from home at 6:45, have someone call you on the cell phone at 7:00 and talk to them till you get to your destination, this way you won't have to worry about what to say to her.
5. Drive ten miles BELOW the speed limit.
6. Develop a really bad Pee Wee Herman impression and talk to her through it.
When you arrive at your destination:
1. If you go to the movies, flirt with the girl at the ticket counter.
2. If you go to a restaurant, say you're really hungry. Let her order first. Since you'll be eating heavy, she'll probably order a big meal, too. When she finishes, order a small coke and a box of McDonaldland cookies.
3. If you get nervous, just pretend that she's one of your guy friends. At the end of the meal, say ''Boy, you ate everything but the table.'' Say it with confidence.
4. Be classy. If you eat at McDonald's, leave a tip.
On the way back to her house: Take your cell phone and call another girl. Ask her to do something with you in about an hour.

Convince these students

An Army recruiter delivered a windy pep talk to encourage a group of college students to join the VOLAR. But the culminating point of his oration was greeted with cat calls, whistles and projection of rotten eggs and an assortment of no less rotten vegetables and fruits.

A visitor asked a student: "Why you throw tomatoes at the man and now you are applauding him?"

"We want an encore. I still have some tomatoes left!" explained the student.

---

The following is supposedly a true story relating to an actual sailor's experience in the Army.

After turning in from a four to eight watch the seaman overslept and missed muster. When questioned he said: "Due to my metabolic inability to cope with change I did not respond to external stimuli and remained in a comatose condition."

The C.P.O., who didn't understand a word, listened to this report with awe and sent the sailor to the psychiatrist.

Physical training job

The physical training instructor was drilling a platoon of soldiers.

"I want every man to lie on his back, put his legs in the air and move them as though he were riding a bicycle," he explained. "Now begin!"

After a few minutes, one of the men stopped.

"Why did you stop. Smith?" demanded the officer.

"If you please, sir," said Smith, "I'm freewheeling for a while."

New officer efficiency

These are actual phrases from Officer Efficiency Reports (performance appraisal for the military officers).

"Not the sharpest knife in the drawer."

"Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching."

"A room temperature IQ."

"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

"A gross ignoramus---144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

"A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

"A prime candidate for natural deselection."

"Bright as Alaska in December."

"One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests."

"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

"Fell out of the family tree."

"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

"Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

"He's so dense, light bends around him."

"If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate."

"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

"Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes."

"Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby."

"Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

How far to the town?

A unit of soldiers was marching a long dusty march across the rolling prairie. It was a hot blistering day and the men, longing for water and rest, were impatient to reach the next town.

A rancher rode past.

"Say, friend", called out one of the men, "how far is it to the next town?"

"Oh, a matter of two miles or so, I reckon," called back the rancher. Another long hour dragged by, and another rancher was encountered.

"How far to the next town?" the men asked him eagerly.

"Oh, a good two miles."

A nearly half hour longer of marching, and then a third rancher. "Hey, how far's the next town?"

"Not far," was the encouraging answer, "only about two miles."

"Well," sighed the optimistic sergeant, "thank God, we're holding our own, anyhow!"

Flying near Athens

As the plane was flying low over some hills near Athens, a lady asked the stewardess: "What's that stuff on those hills?"

"Just snow," replied the stewardess.

"That's what I thought," said the lady, "but this fellow in front of me said it was Greece."

New chemical warfare

An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?"

"Sure. That's easy," said one man.

"What is it?"

"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."

"What, what?" reasked the instructor.

"H to O," explained the chemistry expert.

Painting shows it all

At an exhibition of military painting a visitor was admiring a picture.

"What a great realist that painter is!" he exclaimed.

"What painter?"

"The one that painted this picture 'Soldiers at Work'."

"Yes, hut something is wrong there. Those soldiers aren't working at all!"

"That is just the greatest stroke of realism in the picture!"

Choose a punishment

Private Loyds was brought up before the unit CO for some offence.

"You can take your choice, private - one month's restriction or twenty day's pay," said the officer.

"All right, sir," said the bright soldier, "I'll take the money."

Tribute to the Marines

A tribute to the United States Marine Corps and the reasons why they are superior to the many organizations of the world . . .

* United States Marine Corps Birthday: 10 NOVEMBER 1775 *

1) Best haircut. Hands down. You can't have a bad hair day with a high and tight. And you spend less on shampoo.

2) Dress blues. They're the coolest uniforms in any military worldwide.

3) Bloused trousers. Another distinctive Marine look that sets the proudest service members apart.

4) The rest of the Marine sea bag. From the Alphas to the camouflage utilities, uniforms just look better on a Marine than any other service member.

5) Marines don't wear dungarees.

6) Most respect I. When the Marines pulled out of Haiti and Somalia, the media reported the U.S. military was pulling out -- as if tens of thousands of Army troops weren't still in the country. Now that's respect.

7) Most respect II. When the Corps came back to Haiti after 60 years, an old man on the Cap-Haitien beach said ``Welcome back!''

8) Toughest mascot. The Marine Corps' is a bulldog. The Navy's: a goat.

9) Esprit de Corps. Even if you can't spell it or pronounce it, the Marine Corps has it in spades. One example: When sailors get tattoos, they do it to express their individuality, and their choices range from Betty Boop and Mickey Mouse to raging sea serpents. When Marines get tattoos, they do it to express their solidarity, and choose bull dogs, ``death before dishonor,'' and ``USMC.''

10) Best war monument: Iwo Jima

11) The Marines invade, then go home. The Army has to do the occupying.

12) The silent drill team. Just watching them ply their trade makes you want to wear dress blues.

13) Status. Sailors live and work on ships. Marines go for cruises -- then hit the shore.

14) Best fast attack vehicles: LAVs.

15) Best fighting knife: Ka-Bar.

16) Best duty assignments: Okinawa, Kaneohe Bay, Camp Pendleton, Diego Garcia, Moscow, North Carolina. Plus any ship at sea.

17) Worst duty assignments: Okinawa, Kaneohe Bay, Camp Pendleton, Diego Garcia, Moscow, North Carolina. Plus any ship at sea.

18) Most exotic duty assignments: Kuala Lumpur, The White House.

19) Best phone number. Call 1-800-MARINES and you've got the Corps. And if you're a civilian with the character to be a Marine, a recruiter there will be happy to sign you up.

20) Toughest DI's. (Drill Instructors). They're so tough that when the Navy wants to train its officers, who do they call? 1-800-MARINES.

21) Toughest boot camp. When San Diego was still training Navy recruits, legend has it that recruits occasionally would jump the fence and accidentally land in Marine boot camp. The Marines would keep them a couple of days, and when the recruits were sent back, they were ready to be sailors!

22) Best motivational cries: Ooh-rah! - Attack! - Kill!

23) Best emblem: Eagle, Globe and Anchor. (Air, Land and Sea)

24) Best campaign covers: The Smokey Bear hat.

25) Separate heads for enlisted and officers. Everywhere else, officers and enlisted use the same pot.

26) The only official, congressionally sanctioned hymn for any of the services: ``The Marines' Hymn.''

RULES OF LIFE

•    I can only please one person each day.  Today is not your day.  Tomorrow is not looking good either.
•    Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
•    Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
•    You can go anywhere you want if you look serious, wear a white coat and carry a clipboard.
•    I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
•    Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
•    I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
•    My reality check bounced.
•    On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
•    I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
•    Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing them again.
•    Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, and then beat you with experience.
                         
                               USEFUL ADVICES

•    As I've Matured... I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
•    I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.
•    I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.
•    I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
•    I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others -- they are more screwed up than you think.
•    I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
•    I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.
•    I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.
•    I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.
•    I've learned that ex's are like fungus, which keeps coming back.
•    I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
•    I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
•    I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
•    Finally, I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity - I enjoy it!