Zen Quotes

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just #$%^ off and leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

6. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.

14. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

15. Don't squat with your spurs on.

17. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.

18. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

19. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

20. Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

Oh So True

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to beg forgiveness than get permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement of ten misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'. that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.

* Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true!!!

Elderly/Dementia Jokes

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO ME

 An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher:  "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!
" she cried.  The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
"Disregard," he says.  She got in the back-seat by mistake."

____________ _________ _________ _______

FAMILY

      Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.  One night the 96 year old draws a bath.  She puts her foot in and pauses.  She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."  She starts up the stairs and pauses ... "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood."  She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
       ____________ _________ _________ _______

"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"

      Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.  One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"  "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."  And the third man chimed in, "So am I.  Let's have a beer."

       ____________ _________ _________ _______

SUPERSEX

       A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.  As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex.."

She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

       ____________ _________ _________ _______

ROMANCE

      An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."  Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
       
Thirty  seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck."  Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"

      ____________ _________ _________ _______

DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER

       80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home.  She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"

Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
      ____________ _________ _________ _______

SENIOR DRIVING

       As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.  Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car.  It's hundreds of them!"
 _____________________ _________ _______

DRIVING

      Two elderly women were out driving in a large car both could  barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.  The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it.  I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.

Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.  She was getting nervous.  At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.

So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row?  You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"          
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Interesting quotes

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have

was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse

with those people."

 J. Danforth Quayle

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- J. Danforth Quayle


"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."-- Vice President Dan Quayle


"Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts." --Vice President Dan Quayle


"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/11/89


"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is." -- Vice President Dan Quayle


"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/15/88


"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/22/89


"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 12/6/89


"May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world." -- The Quayles' 1989 Christmas card. [Not a beacon of literacy, though.]


"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 11/30/88


"We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward." -- Vice President Dan Quayle


"I have made good judgements in the Past. I have made good judgementsin the Future." -- Vice President Dan Quayle


"The future will be better tomorrow." -- Vice President Dan Quayle


"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/21/88


"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history." -- Vice President Dan Quayle


"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." -- Vice President Dan Quayle to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/89


"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe." -- Vice President Dan Quayle


"Public speaking is very easy." -- Vice President Dan Quayle to reporters in 10/88


"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican." -- Vice President Dan Quayle


"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Vice President Dan Quayle


"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls." -- Vice President Dan Quayle


"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame." -- Vice President Dan Quayle


"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/20/92 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)


"Murphy Brown is doing better than I am. At least she knows she still has a job next year." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/18/92


"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/22/90

"For NASA, space is still a high priority." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/5/90


"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/18/90


"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Dan Quayle may or may not make." -- Vice President Dan Quayle


"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made." -- Vice President Dan Quayle


"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Vice President Dan Quayle


"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system." -- Vice President Dan Quayle

strange but it’s true

Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.*Politics is a murky business, even in Finland.  The truth was that back in the late 1970s Markku Hopopainen introduced an economy measure to reduce the spending on comics in Helsinki libraries.  It was mischief-makers who distorted the facts and claimed the action was because of Donald's lack of pants in the comic strip.

• In 1980, a Las Vegas hospital suspended workers for betting on when patients would die.
• Every person has a unique tongue print.
• Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark.
• 'Kemo Sabe' means 'soggy shrub' in Navajo.
• In Kentucky, 50% of the people who get married for the first time are teenagers.
• Kotex was first manufactured as bandages, during WWI.
• Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine. His parents thought he might be retarded.
• In Los Angeles, there are fewer people than there are automobiles.
• About a third of all Americans flush the toilet while they're still sitting on it.
• You're more likely to get stung by a bee on a windy day that in any other weather.
• An average person laughs about 5 times a day.
• Research indicates that mosquitoes are attracted to people who have recently eaten bananas.

• Penguins can jump as high as 6 feet in the air.

• The average person is about a quarter of an inch taller at night.
• A sneeze zooms out of your mouth at over 600 mph.
• The three best-known western names in China: Jesus Christ, Richard Nixon, and Elvis Presley.
• The Neanderthal's brain was bigger than yours is.
• A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her coffee.
• The average bank teller loses about $250 every year.
• In 1980, there was only one country in the world with no telephones - Bhutan.
• Your right lung takes in more air than your left one does.
• Women's hearts beat faster than men's.
• Pollsters say that 40% of dog and cat owners carry pictures of the pets in their wallets.
• Bubble gum contains rubber.

• You can only smell 1/20th as well as a dog.