MANY WAYS

10 Ways to Annoy Cops

 

1.     Say, "Damn, officer, you must have been going fast to keep up with me!"

2.     When he approaches you, stare at his gut and say, "Hmmm. I thought cops had to be physically fit."

3.     Sway and ask if his bulletproof vest protects him from projectile vomiting.

4.     Lie on the ground and ask him to draw your outline in chalk.

5.     Throw his nightstick and tell the police dog to fetch it.

6.     Ask him if you can use his pepper spray to spice up your pizza.

7.     Tell him you wanted to be a cop, but decided to graduate high school instead.

8.     When he asks you to walk the line, "Riverdance" instead.

9.     Instead of pleading the 5th amendment, plead the 13th or 16th.

10.                       When he asks for your license, say, "Oh sure, officer, can you hold me beer for a sec?"

20 Types You Meet in the Men's Room

1) Excitable -- Shorts half-twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.
2) Sociable -- Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.
3) Cross-eyed -- Looks into the next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.
4) Timid -- Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal, comes back later. 5) Indifferent -- All urinals being used, pisses in sink.
6) Clever -- No hands, fixes tie, looks around, usually pisses on floor.
7) Worried -- Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.
8) Frivolous -- Plays stream up, down and across urinal, tries to hit flies and bugs.
9) Absent-Minded -- Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.
10) Childish -- Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.
11) Sneaky -- Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in other stall will be blamed.
12) Patient -- Stands very close for a long time, reads with free hand.
13) Desperate -- Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.
14) Tough -- Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry.
15) Efficient -- Waits until he has to crap and does both.
16) Fat -- Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shower.
17) Little -- Stands on box, falls in, drowns.
18) Drunk -- Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.
19) Disgruntled -- Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.
20) Conceited -- Holds two-inch dick like baseball bat.

50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your tissue to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of ''It''s a Small World'' incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, crash from side to side as if you''re on rough seas.
7. Shave. (Especially if you''re a woman.)
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask: "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you, "Admiral".
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I''ve got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, not now. Damn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious literature to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say, "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing, "Mary Had a Little Lamb," while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler, "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You''re one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "Mmmm...tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and make it talk to the other passengers.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say, "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say, "I wonder what all these do," and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space".
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it''s getting larger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler, "Bad touch!"

51 Ways to Annoy Everybody

1) Pretend to be one of the Bush family. Doesn't matter which.

2) Have an uncontrollable lusting for someone else every five minutes.
3) Pretend to be from different ethnic backgrounds every hour, and when people ask you about it, answer like a hillbilly would.
4) Act like a hillbilly. Period.
5) Improvise Italian operas.
6) Gossip about someone to their face.
7) Answer every question with a question.
8) Repeat yourself constantly.
9) Act like a member of the opposite sex.
10) Repeat yourself constantly.
11) Act like Mr. Flanders from The Simpsons.
12) Repeat yourself constantly.
13) Change what you repeat every now and then.
14) Use homonyms in your e-male that the spell cheque would knot sea as miss steaks.
15) Change what you repeat every now and then.
16) Talk to someone while looking at somebody else.
17) Employ in your casual banter extensive vocabulary that will befuddle thy contemporaries.
18) Change what you repeat every now and then.
19) One word: Caffeine.
20) Another word or two: Caffeine and Sugar.
21) stringwhateveryousayintoonelongwordsoitshardtomakeoutwhatyou'resaying.
22) Using non-existent words like George Bush would.
23) Change what you repeat again.
24) Speak in rapid Spanish.
25) Pretend not to know about the rule of personal space.
26) When doing number 25, pretend to have a heavy nose cold causing you to breathe heavily through your mouth. Sneeze occasionally.
27) Change what you repeat again.
28) You are better than everybody else. Let them know so.
29) Rudely correct everybody's grammar.
30) Don't proper grammar use while you are correcting them.
31) Pretend to be drunk.
32) Groom yourself while standing backwards (towards everybody) in an elevator.
33) Change what you repeat again.
34) Pretend your name is Cletus-Atkins-Wheatherby-Percival-Smith, and don't answer to anything else.
35) Call everybody you know Bob or Georgia. Bob for girls, Georgia for boys.
36) Fine people for stupid things, like being too popular, or having to many teeth.
37) Change what you repeat again.
38) For those who wish to annoy, riddles is that in which you should speak.
39) Lick your lips constantly, acting as if doing so is pleasurable.
40) Pretend to be high.
41) Become severely narcoleptic in the middle of a conversazzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
42) Change what you repeat again.
43) You ARE the lord of the dance. Never forget that.
44) Speak in Gaelic.
45) Blink rapidly and constantly.
46) Scratch yourself constantly. I am not saying where.
47) Strut.
48) Start repeating what you say as soon as you say it.
49) Start repeating what you say as soon as you say it.
50) Become "The Masked Wedgie Giver."
51) Have this list printed on a T-shirt and write above it "Check list for Today." Don't let anybody forget that you have it on.

A Child's Prayer

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."

The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.
The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."
The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.
Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."
Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

A Definite Definition

A teacher decides that she is going to teach her second grade class a new word today. She tells them that the word is "definitely" and its meaning is "absolute, positive, without a doubt."

She asks the class if anyone can think of a sentence with the word in it. She calls on little Susan who is in the back raising her hand, quite sure of herself.
Susan stands up and says, "The sky is definitely blue."
The teacher replies to her, "Well, that's a good sentence but sometimes the sky is gray, and sometimes its cloudy, and sometimes its red and pink so the sky is not definitely blue. Anyone else?"
Tom's hand flies up and she calls on him.
Tom answers, "The water is definitely clear."
"Well, Tom that's a good sentence but sometimes the water is muddy, and sometimes it's green, and sometimes it's full of seaweed so it's not definitely clear. Anyone else?"
Finally, in the far corner, little Robert slowly raises his hand.
"Yes, Robert?" asks the teacher.
"Can I ask a question, teacher?" Robert replies.
"Yes."
"Do farts have lumps?"
"No. Why do you ask."
"Well, then I've definitely pooped in my pants."

Question and answer blond jokes

Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

Q: How do you drown a blond?
A: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.

Q: How do you drown a blond?
A: Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
A: Flattered.

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't. They're born that way.

Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
A: They're too hard to peel.

Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy?
A: Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetize them.

Q: Why does it work?
A: "Does 3 come before E, between M and W, or at the end?"

Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.

Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.

Q: Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
A: Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.

Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: To keep from bruising their ears.

Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold.

Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number eleven?
A: She didn't know what number came first.

Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
A: Divorced.

Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.

Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.

Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on her.

Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?
A: Bobbing for french fries.

Q: Why did it take the blonde seven days to drive from St. Louis to Chicago?
A: She kept seeing signs that read "stop clean bathroom".

Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A: Frosted Flakes.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen.

Q: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's writing on the white-out.

Q: How can you tell when a fax had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A: She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.

Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.

Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

Q: Why do blondes like lightning?
A: They think someone is taking their picture.

Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
A: From eating with forks.

Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A: Because they can spell it.

Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first.

Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.

Q: Why don't blondes double recipes?
A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.

Q: Why don't blondes make good pharmacists?
A: They can't get the bottle into the typewriter.

Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?
A: They can't remember the number.

Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?
A: She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons.

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: "What's a lightbulb?"

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"

Q: How do you get rid of blondes?
A: Form a circle, give each blonde a gun, and tell them they are a firing squad.

Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up?
A: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.

Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up?
A: None of them, two don't exist and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper.

Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.

Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!

Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.

Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?
A: Reservations.

Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.

Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
A: Change.

Q: What does a blonde say if you blow in his/her ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"

Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A: A whine cellar.

Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A: An Air Bag.

Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.

Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.

Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.

Q: What do you call an unmarried blond in a BMW?
A: Divorcee'

Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.

Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?
A: A visitor.

Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!

Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A: An interpreter.

Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A: A Space Invader.

Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
A: Branch Manager.

Q: What do you call a smart blond?
A: A golden retriever.

Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
A: The back of her head.

Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.

Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.

Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?

Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."

Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "don't walk".

Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.

Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!

Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
A: The vegetable garden.

Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"

Q: Why are blondes hurt by peoples words?
A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.

Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?
A: Perri-air.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!

Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A: She missed.

Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear?
A: Data transfer.

Q: What goes vroom, screech, vroom, screech, vroom, screech?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.

Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard?
A: Grade four.

Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 blondes.

Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist?
A: "Why, I just love nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"

Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

Q: Why won't they hire a blonde pharmacist?
A: They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.

Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"
A: The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"

Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
A: She moved.

Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A blonde parade.

Q: What is the blonde's highest ambition in life?
A: They want to be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.

Q: What are the six worst years in a blonde's life.
A: Third grade.

Q: What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any.

Q: How to you keep a blonde busy all day?
A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run! She's got a hand grenade in her mouth.

Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
A: I'll tell you tomorrow.

Q: Why can't the blonde make ice cubes?
A: She lost the recipe.

Q: How do you hit a blonde so she will never know it?
A: With a thought.

Q: Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering?
A: The noise gave her a headache.

Q: How does a blond know if she's on her way home or on her way to work?
A: She opens her lunch box to see if there is anything in it.

Q: How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?
A: Knock on the door.

Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
A: The instructions stated, "good for up to 20 pounds".

Fortune Cookies

• Try a new system or different approach.
• How you look depends on where you go.
• He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet.
• You will be called to fill a position of high honor and responsibility.
• There is yet time enough for you to take a different path.
• You will inherit some money or a small piece of land.
• You will travel far and wide, for both pleasure and business.
• Follow a hunch about improving your position.
• A vacation by the sea is in store for you soon.
• To see others, you must only watch; to see yourself, you must look.
• You are interested in public service and would make an outstanding statesman.
• You will meet an important person who will help you advance professionally.
• You will be advanced socially, without any special effort on your part.
• Your energy is at a peak. Channel it into fun activities.
• Now is a good time to start something new.
• You are bright. So give out that light!
• Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals.
• Finding exotic uses for what others ignore will make your special fortune.
• Someone thinks you are very special and lets you know it.
• Share excitement with your best friends as you all run away for the weekend.
• You have many personal talents that are attractive to others.
• The most important things in life are not things.
• An aura of glamour and mystery surrounds your events of the week.
• Your pet project gains seal of approval from an influential friend.
• An important visitor will vow complete support.
• You will receive credit long overdue.
• Love will come looking for you.
• Anyone who makes a blanket statement is a fool.
• Happiness and good fortune will come to you soon.
• You have the ability to make lifelong friends.
• Live each day to the fullest.
• You have an optimistic outlook on life, for very good reason.
• Cooperate with those who have both know-how and money.
• Any active moves you make tomorrow will succeed.
• The path to enlightenment requires open eyes and willing feet.
• Remain resolute and unwavering toward your goals.
• Helping others can become a satisfying way of life.
• Your Yin and your Yang are in harmony.
• Wise men learn much from fools.
• Prayers are always answered eventually.
• Your future will be easier to digest than this cookie.
• If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
• The sooner you get behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
• The only constant since the beginning of time is change.
• Those who speak loudest always have the least to say.
• Time exists solely to prevent everything from happening at once.
• Blessed are the meek, for they make great scapegoats.
• Malice is stupidity raised to a higher power.
• Put off procrastinating till a later time.
• It's easier to curse a candle than to light the darkness.
• Moderation in all things should be practiced sparingly.
• People who spout platitudes have attitudes that allow no latitude.
• You will be unusually successful in business.
• You are generous, affectionate and impulsive.
• Keep your schedule flexible to handle the unexpected.
• You should be able to undertake and complete anything.
• Pray for what you want, but work for the things you need.
• Good health is a man's best wealth.
• You will step on the soil of many countries.
• You are entering a time of great promise and overdue rewards.
• You will soon gain something you have always wanted.
• Avert misunderstandings by calm, poise and balance.
• You need not worry about your future.
• You will be showered with good luck.
• If you can shape it in your mind, you will find it in your life.
• You have creative power to achieve your aim.
• You will succeed, but wait for the opportune moment.
• The physician heals; nature makes well.
• Try to clear up differences with associates.
• You will soon be holding the lucky number.
• You will make a change for the better.
• Sell your ideas - they are totally acceptable.
• There is no way of judging the future but by the past.
• You will be singled out for promotion.
• Adopt a confident, positive attitude and others will climb on your bandwagon.
• The coming month shall bring winds of change in your life.
• A handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains.
• You have a natural grace and great consideration for others.
• You will witness a special ceremony.
• Confucius say: Angel with wings not so hot as angel with arms.
• A short trip is favored at this time.
• You will be offered a high executive position with an attractive salary.
• You will make many changes before settling satisfactorily.
• You are deeply attached to your family and home.
• Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.
• You are faithful in the execution of any public trust.
• Whatever your desires are, for the present decline them.
• You long to see the great pyramids in Egypt.
• You will be traveling and coming into a fortune.
• You will be an honored guest at a pleasant social occasion.
• You will be recognized and honored as a community leader.
• Confucius say: make sure words touch wisdom tooth on way out of mouth.
• Your business superiors have you in mind for a promotion.
• Add to your understanding of foreign art and culture.
• An emptiness soon will be filled.
• You will be fortunate in the opportunities presented to you.
• Too much confidence has deceived many a one.
• Your partner will be proud of you.
• You should be pleased with answers you are given now.
• Good news will come to you from far away.
• Good news will come to you from close at hand.
• You are heading for a land of sunshine.
• You will soon have an opportunity to make a change to your advantage.
• The color red will be important to you.
• You will receive a favor or kindness from someone.
• It is good to be neither high nor low. Come easy, go easy.
• Don't let doubt and suspicion bar your progress.
• Consolidate rather than expand business projects in the near future.
• You can breeze through most of the day.
• You will pass a difficult test that will make you happier.
• Blue eyes shall bring happiness as deep as the seas.
• Answer just what your heart prompts you.
• You can solve your problem if you exert yourself.
• Be tactful; overlook not your own opportunity.
• Children could contribute to your cheerfulness.
• Your genuine talent will find its way to success.
• He asks advice in vain who will not follow it.
• Simplicity and clarity should be your theme in dress.
• You will dance to a different beat next summer.
• Be the first to try something new.
• A woman who seeks to be equal to men lacks ambition.
• Idleness is the holiday of fools.
• A beautiful woman is a paradise to the eyes and a curse to the purse.
• You will visit some faraway land that has long been in your waking thoughts.
• Deception in romance will prove costly.
• Things just get curiouser and curiouser.
• Have you had your reality check today? Don't worry, it's in the mail.
• Happiness isn't all it's cracked up to be.
• Nothing is better than happiness, but a ham sandwich is better than nothing.
• Love will come looking for you, with an angry spouse.
• Reality will be less painful than usual today.
• Reality is the leading cause of stress, for those in touch with it.
• Life to you is a series of dashing and adventurous crises.
• Any problem in your home can be fixed, except that leaking faucet.
• Cooperate with those who have both know-how and bail money.
• Any active moves you make tomorrow will backfire, so stay home.
• The path to enlightenment requires a flashlight with fresh batteries.
• The secret of life is...I can't tell you. It's a secret.
• Remain resolute and unwavering when shirking your duty.
• Somewhere is lurking a hailstone that has your name on it.
• Your emotional ties aren't color coordinated with your suits.
• Threatening forces oppose your move to Cleveland.
• A libertarian, immoral society is enticing you to excesses. Enjoy.
• Your Yin and your Yang are no longer on speaking terms.
• If at first you don't exceed, try, try again.
• To err is human, to forgive is unlikely.
• It's okay to call someone stupid; just don't prove it.
• If justice rules the universe, we are all in trouble.
• There ain't no such thing as a free lunch, unless you own the restaurant.
• Wise men learn much from fools. Wise guys don't.
• You will live in interesting times and, if lucky, survive them.
• Prayers are always answered. The answer is usually no.
• The race is not always to the swift, but that's the way to bet.
• The best revenge is not living well. The best revenge is revenge.
• A rose by any other name would still attract aphids.
• Someday your ship will come in, but you'll be at the airport.
• A bird in the hand can be messy.