The 20 Disses

The 20 Disses

Words can't describe your outfit, so I'll just throw up!

They can't measure your intelligence. The scale won't go that low.

Appearances can be deceiving. Or in your case, disgusting.

I promise not to make fun of your height. I would never stoop to that.

I'm glad you're tall. It gives me more of you to dislike.

I think you stepped on something smelly. Like your feet!

I've seen tables with nicer looking legs than yours.

Are you going to eat that apple, or gum it to death?

Your mouth's the perfect size... for your foot.

I've seen a nose like yours before, but it looked better on the baboon.

Know what I like about your face? Me neither.

Know what goes best with a face like yours? A paper bag.

Why don't you do something different with your hair? Like, wash it.

You're a person of rare intelligence. It's rare when you show any.

You'll never use your mind. You can't lose what you never had.

You've made this date I won't forget... no matter how hard I try.

I know why they call this a "blind date." Because now that I've seen you, I wish I were blind.

You're like disposable diapers...always getting dumped.

''What are you doing Friday night?'' ''Trying to forget you just asked me that.''

"What's he got that I haven't?" "You want it alphabetically?"

Laws of Household Physics

Ever notice that the laws of household physics are every bit as real as every other law in the universe? Here are a few examples:

 

1. A child's eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse proportion to the ability to actually do the work involved. 

 

2. Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one. 

 

 

3. A newly washed window gathers dirt at double the speed of an unwashed window. 

 

 

4. The availability of a ballpoint pen is inversely proportional to how badly it is needed. 

 

 

5. The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will fill a two-car garage. 

 

 

6. Three children plus two cookies equals a fight. 

 

 

7. The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the number of TV remote controls divided by the number of viewers. 

 

 

8. The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outdoor temperature. 

 

 

9. The capacity of any hot water heater is equal to one and one-half sibling showers. 

 
 

10. What goes up must come down, except for bubble gum, kites and slightly used Rice Krispies. 

 

 

11. Place two children in a room full of toys and they will both want to play with the same toy.