Something to Think About

In 1923, Who Was

1. President of the largest steel company?

2. President of the largest gas company?

3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?

4. Greatest wheat speculator?

5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?

6. Great Bear of Wall Street?

These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days.
Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them.

The Answers:

1. The president of the largest steel company. Charles Schwab, died a pauper.

2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane.

3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.

4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.

5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot himself.

6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide.

However, in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen. What  became of him?

He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95. He was financially secure at the time of his death.

The Moral: Screw work. Play golf.

Wackiness at work

How to Keep the Wackiness Alive in the Modern Workplace 

1. Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.

2. Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during themeeting. During the meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.

3. Insist that your e-mail addressbe"zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com"

4. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them to sign a waiver.

5. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.

6. Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

8. Name all your pens and insist that meetings can't begin until they're all present.

11. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)

12. Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point Sparky." "No, I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi." "Hey Bucko, are we meeting later?"etc...

14. Include a piece of your children's artwork as a cover page for all reports that you write. (If you don't have children draw stick figures yourself.)

15. Schedule meetings for 4:14 p.m.. or 2:37 p.m., or 10:16 a.m.. 

16. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

17. Agree to organize the company Christmas party. Hold it at McDonald's Playland. Charge everyone $15 each.

18. Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathroom." 

20. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."

21. Plant a hedge around your cubicle.

23. Build models of the Seven Wonders of the World using empty soda cans.

24. Put on your headphones on whenever the boss comes into the office,and talk in a loud voice. Remove your headphones when she/he leaves.

25. When in conversation, no matter where you are in the office,mutter, "I think my phone is ringing" and leave to get a coffee.

26. Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many."

27. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

28. Compose all your e-mail in rhyming couplets.

29. Install a set of buttons and lights in the arm of your chair. Talk into your daytimer.

30. "Hi-lite" your shoes and tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this.
 
34. Include a personal note on every email you send. "On apersonal note, I'm feeling a bit tired and grumpy today." or "On a personal note, I'm pleased to announce that I got my highest score ever on Tetris last night."

35. Bring in dishes that you tried to cook but didn't turn out quite right as special treats for your co-workers.

37. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.

38. Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your own children.

39. Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc.... in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none... Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."

40. See how long it takes until the last person stops believing you. Then start planting pizzas.

41. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

42. Put a sign on the copier that says, "Voice Activated! Speak loudly into the panel."

Insurance Claim Forms

TRUE EXTRACTS FROM UK INSURANCE CLAIM FORMS:

I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.

I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet.

I realized the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket.

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Traveled by bus?

This Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were:

Q: What warning was given by you?
A: Horn

Q: What warning was given by the other party?
A: Moo

On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke. I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control. I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight.
I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk.

Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature?
A: I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan.

Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo.The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit himagain.  I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at mymother-in-law and headed over the embankment. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of itsintention. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car. In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up obscuring myvision and I did not see the other car. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when myuniversal joint gave way causing me to have an accident. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished. I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later foundin a ditch by some stray cows.

Not so famous Interviews

Julius Caesar - My last job involved a lot of office politics and back stabbing. I'd like to get away from all that. 

Jesse James - I can list among my experience and skills: leadership, extensive travel, logistical organization, intimate understanding of firearms, and a knowledge of security measures at numerous banks. 

Marie Antoinette - My management style has been criticized, but I'd like to think of my self as a people person. 

Joseph Guillotine - I can give your company a head start on the competition. 

Hamlet - My position was eliminated in a hostile takeover. 

Lucretia Borgia - My greatest accomplishment? after I took over the department, our competition just seemed to drop out of sight one by one. 

Pandora - I can bring a lot to your company. I like discovering new things. 

Genghis Khan - My primary talent is downsizing. On my last job I downsized my staff, my organization, and the populations of several countries. 

MacBeth - Would I go after my boss's job? Do I look like the kind of guy who would knock off his boss for a promotion. 

Lady Godiva - What do mean this isn't business casual? 

Elvis - My last boss and I...say, are you going to eat those fries

The Top 20 Real-Life Motivational Slogans

20. Failure is not an option. For you, it's inevitable.

19. Seek and you shall find. Find and it's your problem, so better think twice about that seeking stuff.

18. Your most inspired work will never be as frequently seen as a fake nude of Britney.

17. Just say "can't."

16. Plagiarism: Anyone can be daring and original, but it requires big brass balls to take credit without expending any effort. YOU HEAR THAT, YOU "WACKY" RADIO MORNING SHOW LOSERS?!?

15. There isn't that much difference between a "winner" and a "whiner." Or a "wiener," too, for that matter.

14. Don't forget: It's never too late to run away screaming.

13. Unless you're the lead dog, the view never changes. But hey, snickering at the lead dogs as they walk into all the cobwebs and step in all the poop ain't such a bad life.

12. Death: Remember, its cold, bony hand can be a comfort.

11. Determination: Keep your eyes on the prize or you may end up spending 20 years designing motivational posters. Please, somebody shoot me!

10. When the load gets tough, the tough get loaded.

9. There's no "I" in "TEAM." And while you were busy spell-checking, your co-worker took all the credit for that project you were working on.

8. Life is a marathon, not a sprint. So think twice before super-sizing that next order of fries, tubby.

7. Just shut up and drink the Kool-Aid.

6. Marketing: "Efforting to shift the organizational paradigm through dynamic manipulation of throughput structures" will get you promoted, but "wanking in the executive washroom" will get you fired.

5. Be honest with your neighbors. It's not just a good idea, it's Megan's law.

4. Integrity: That and a buck will buy you some coffee while everyone else is sleeping their way toward raises and bigger offices.

3. Anything in the world worth doing is-- HEY! FREE BAGELS IN THE CONFERENCE ROOM!

2. A morning without smiles is like a workday.

1. Moving ahead of your co-workers can be easy, provided you're willing to risk several consecutive life sentences.

 

Differences Between You And Your Boss

When you take a long time, you're slow. 

When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough. 

When you don't do it, you're lazy. 

When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy. 

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot. 

When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human. 

When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority. 

When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative. 

When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed. 

When your boss does it, he's being firm. 

When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, you're being rude. 

When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original. 

When you please your boss, you're arse-creeping. 

When your boss please his boss, he's being co-operative. 

When you're out of the office, you're wandering around. 

When your boss is out of the office, he's on business. 

When you have one too many drinks at a social, you're a drunken bum. 

When your boss does the same, he appreciated women. 

When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick. 

When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill. 

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview. 

When your boss applies for leave, it 's because he's overworked.

Engineers' Terminologies

1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED: We are still guessing.

2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM:We just hired three kids fresh out of college.

3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION: We know who to blame.

4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH: It works okay, but looks very hi-tech.

5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED: We are so far behind schedule, the customer is happy to get it delivered.

6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE: The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.

7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING: We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.

8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED: The only person who understood the thing quit.

9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS: It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.

10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT: Forget it! We have enough problems for now.

11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL: Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.

12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING: We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.

13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION: I can't wait to hear this bull!

14. SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS: Come into my office, I'm lonely.

15. ALL NEW: Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.

16. RUGGED: Too darn heavy to lift!

17. LIGHTWEIGHT: Lighter than RUGGED.

18. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT: One finally worked.

19. ENERGY SAVING: Achieved when the power switch is off.

20. LOW MAINTENANCE: Impossible to fix if broken.

14 Reasons To Allow Drinking At Work

1. It's an incentive to show up. 

2. It reduces stress 

3. It leads to more honest communications. 

4. It reduces complaints about low pay. 

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover. 

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to
hear. 

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter. 

8. It encourages carpooling. 

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care. 

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work. 

11. It makes fellow employees look better. 

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better. 

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they have had a couple of
drinks. 

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

The Top 14 Signs Your Coworker is a Spy

14. Silently weeps if you forget to turn off the music while playing Tetris.

13. The last sensation felt by anyone "borrowing" a pen is the quick sting of several tiny Punji sticks.

12. No one will carpool with him since that ejector seat incident.

11. He and his girlfriend Natasha keep threatening to "make big trouble for Moose and Squirrel."

10. His twin, who looks just like him except that he wears black, keeps coming in at lunch to booby trap his cubicle.

9. Always trying to convince you that Yakov Smirnoff is actually funny.

8. You could swear he used to look just like Sean Connery, but now he's the spitting image of Pierce Brosnan.

7. "I may ask; would you additionally like a packet of oil-fried potato slices, comrade?"

6. His shoe has a setting for either "Ring" or "Vibrate."

5. She taps that commie pen on her commie desk the same commie way EVERY FRIGGIN' DAY!

4. Last October you helped him ship out 750 boxes of old computer punch cards to addresses all over Florida and the "tip" he promised you was "dump all your stocks."

3. Suspiciously never complains about the temperature in the office.

2. He asks you to pull his finger -- until it clicks.

1. He introduces himself as "Bond... Jame-- Er, Finkelmeyer... Junius Finkelmeyer."

Financial Terminology

In case you were not aware of the new financial terminology:

EBITDA (formerly stood for Earnings before Interest Expenses, Taxes,
Depreciation and Amortization) - Now stands for "Earnings before I Tricked Dumb Auditor".

EBIT (Earnings before Interest and Taxes) - Now stands for "Earnings before Irregularities and Tampering".

CEO (Chief Executive Officer) - Now stands for "Chief Embezzlement Officer".

CFO (Chief Financial Officer) - Now stands for "Corporate Fraud Officer".

NAV (Net Asset Value) - Now stands for "Normal Andersen Valuation".

EPS (Earnings per Share) - Now stands for "Eventual Prison Sentence".

How bad a mistake

How bad a mistake can you make on your resume? Here are some reportedly real life examples:

"My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."

"Education: Curses in liberal arts, computer science, and curses in accounting."

"Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."

"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."

"I am a rabid typist."

"Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side."

"Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for
business."

"Proven ability to track down and correct errors."

"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely
no one."

"References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."

"Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."

"Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously; they were
unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."

"I am loyal to my employer at all costs...Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voicemail."

"Qualifications: No education or experience."

"Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."

"Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."

"Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"

Corporate Recreation Preferences

The National Science Foundation announced the following study results on corporate America recreation preferences: 

1. Sport of choice for maintenance level employees: bowling.

2. Sport of choice for front line workers: football.

3. Sport of choice for supervisors: baseball.

4. Sport of choice for middle management: tennis.

5. Sport of choice for corporate officers: golf.

CONCLUSION:

The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls.

THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK

15. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen." 

14. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to." 

13. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper" 

12. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and
envisioning a new paradigm!" 

11. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!" 

10. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance" 

9. "Actually I'm doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I
learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend. 

8. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress." 

7. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our
biggest problem." 

6. "The coffee machine is broken...."

5. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot." 

4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!" 

3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!" 

2. "I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands." 

AND THE #1 BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:

"Amen"

The Top 16 Euphemisms for Slacking at Work

16. Thinking outside the cube

15. De-nosing the grindstone

14. Training for a career in management

13. Notworking

12. Awaiting awkward discovery prior to pursuing new opportunities elsewhere

11. Conserving the midnight oil

10. Testing the corporate firewall's ability to stop indecent images

9. Consulting

8. Battling the dreaded the Minesweeper virus

7. Defragging the brain drive

6. Reaping the rewards of superior delegation

5. In conference with the Olsen twins

4. Visiting Crawford

3. Letting opportunity open its own damn door

2. Zero-tasking

1. Enabling real-time back-end utilization

How to Screw up an Interview

We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. 

The lowlights: 

1. "... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application." 

2. "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time." 

3. " A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece." 

4. "... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate." 

5. "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and French fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve" 

6. "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm." 

7. "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions." 

8. "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office." 

9 . "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left." 

10. "... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him." 

11. "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much." 

12. "While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy od Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold." 

13. "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview." 

14. "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?" I said, "I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further." He promptly responded, "I am as long as you'll pay me more. "I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer." 

15. "His attaché case opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume." 

16. "Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one." 

17. "... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security." 

18. "Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk."

Management Style

1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)

2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. Itshould be used only for company business. (Accounting manager,Electric Boat Company)

4. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

5. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. Noone will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them. (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

6. My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)

7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I'say. (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

8. "How About Friday?" My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

10. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

11. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

12. Speaking the Same Language: As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office,
and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts(pedophilia?) working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her
demand that I be fired - and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he lookedthe word up in his dictionary, and made a copy of the definitionto send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local
Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)

13. This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally-circulated memo from a large communications company: "(Company name) is endeavorily determined to promote constant attention on current procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not supersede, the expectations of quality!" (Lucent Technologies)

Inspirational Messages Not Heard At Work

17. There is no "I" in "teamwork." But there is in "management kiss-up." 

16. If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better
company someday.

15. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts. 

14. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG
14 times gives you job security. 

13. If you think we're a bad company, you should see the competition.

12. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings--they did it by
killing all those who oppose them. 

11. We put the "k" in "kwality." 

10. 2 days without a human rights violation.

9. Your job is STILL better than asking, "You want fries with that?" 

8. We build great products when we feel like it and don't have any reason to
call in sick. 

7. If at first you don't succeed, try management. 

6. Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself. 

5. The beatings will continue until morale improves. 

4. Pride, Commitment, Teamwork. Words we use to get you to work for free. 

3. If at first you don't succeed, delegate it. 

2. Plagiarism saves time. 

1. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

How to poop at work

Keep the following in mind when going poopies at work...We've all been there, but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. 

WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the 2000 Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE - Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leakat the urinal or forcing a poop in the stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic and embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not
acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE) - Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace.This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH - Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom.This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME - Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in andbusts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that thesmell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER - Definition: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN) - Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS - Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR - Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all
uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH - Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This canbe used to cover up a WATERMELON or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE - Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON - Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. SEE CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET - Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED - Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees. 

FLY BY - Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful  not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

Memorandum

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers, therefore, a list of preferred new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

PREFERRED: Perhaps I can work late.
OLD: When the fuck do you expect me to do this?

PREFERRED: I'm certain that is not feasible.
OLD: No fucking way.

PREFERRED: Really?
OLD: You've got to be shitting me.

PREFERRED: Perhaps you should check with ...
OLD: Tell someone who gives a shit.

PREFERRED: Of course I'm concerned.
OLD: Ask me if I give a shit.

PREFERRED: I wasn't involved in that project.
OLD: Its not my fucking problem.

PREFERRED: That's interesting behavior.
OLD: What the fuck?!

PREFERRED: I'm not sure I can implement this.
OLD: Fuck it, it won't work.

PREFERRED: I'll try to schedule that.
OLD: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner.

PREFERRED: Are you sure this is a problem.
OLD: Who the fuck cares.

PREFERRED: He's not familiar with the problem.
OLD: He's got his head up his ass.

PREFERRED: Excuse me sir?
OLD: Eat shit and die motherfucker.

PREFERRED: So you weren't happy with it?
OLD: Kiss my ass!

PREFERRED: I'm a bit overloaded at this moment.
OLD: Fuck it, I'm on salary.

PREFERRED: I don't think you understand.
OLD: Shove it up your ass.

PREFERRED: I love a challenge.
OLD: This job sucks.

PREFERRED: You want me to take care of that?
OLD: Who the hell died and made you boss.

PREFERRED: I see.
OLD: Blow me.

PREFERRED: Yes, we really should discuss it.
OLD: Another fucking meeting!

PREFERRED: I don't think this will be a problem.
OLD: I really don't give a shit.

PREFERRED: He's somewhat insensitive. 
OLD: He's a fucking prick.

PREFERRED: She's an aggressive go getter 
OLD: She's a ball busting bitch.

PREFERRED: I think you could use more training 
OLD: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.

Top 16 Signs Your Janitor is Not a Mathematical Genius

16. Only 47 different locks in the building, but 150 keys on his key ring. 

15. He's wallpapered the boiler room with old lottery tickets. 

14. For some reason, counting to five often involves a journey into the double digits. 

13. Uses WD-40 instead of Formula 409 when cleaning windows because "them big numbers is mighty scary." 

12. The two quarters, two dimes and "pretty rock from the parking lot" he gave you as change for a dollar. 

11. When told to provide two roles of toilet paper for all five bathroom stalls asks how many toilets that would be. 

10. Despite lowering his trousers, can't seem to count past 21. 

9. Take-home pay per week: $300. Price of keeping his kids in Nikes per week: $400. 

8. Somehow thought he'd be getting more from his divorce settlement with Rosanne. 

7. Says he enjoyed Wrestlemania X so much, he can't wait for Wrestlemania Y. 

6. Thinks "circumference" is a Jewish ritual and "denominator" a Schwarzenegger movie. 

5. His greatest math accomplishment? Formulated "Vern's Theorem" -- E=TP squared (Everyone loves an extra roll of toilet paper!) 

4. His "Liquid Plumber" requires precisely one 6-pack and a 30-minute wait. 

3. Couldn't remember so he had "2 parts water, 1 part Spic 'N' Span" tattooed on his forearm. 

2. His "miracle cleaner"? 40% Mr. Clean and 90% water. 

1. He tries to measure Minnie Driver's head with anything less than a yardstick.