The Top 20 Real-Life Motivational Slogans

20. Failure is not an option. For you, it's inevitable.

19. Seek and you shall find. Find and it's your problem, so better think twice about that seeking stuff.

18. Your most inspired work will never be as frequently seen as a fake nude of Britney.

17. Just say "can't."

16. Plagiarism: Anyone can be daring and original, but it requires big brass balls to take credit without expending any effort. YOU HEAR THAT, YOU "WACKY" RADIO MORNING SHOW LOSERS?!?

15. There isn't that much difference between a "winner" and a "whiner." Or a "wiener," too, for that matter.

14. Don't forget: It's never too late to run away screaming.

13. Unless you're the lead dog, the view never changes. But hey, snickering at the lead dogs as they walk into all the cobwebs and step in all the poop ain't such a bad life.

12. Death: Remember, its cold, bony hand can be a comfort.

11. Determination: Keep your eyes on the prize or you may end up spending 20 years designing motivational posters. Please, somebody shoot me!

10. When the load gets tough, the tough get loaded.

9. There's no "I" in "TEAM." And while you were busy spell-checking, your co-worker took all the credit for that project you were working on.

8. Life is a marathon, not a sprint. So think twice before super-sizing that next order of fries, tubby.

7. Just shut up and drink the Kool-Aid.

6. Marketing: "Efforting to shift the organizational paradigm through dynamic manipulation of throughput structures" will get you promoted, but "wanking in the executive washroom" will get you fired.

5. Be honest with your neighbors. It's not just a good idea, it's Megan's law.

4. Integrity: That and a buck will buy you some coffee while everyone else is sleeping their way toward raises and bigger offices.

3. Anything in the world worth doing is-- HEY! FREE BAGELS IN THE CONFERENCE ROOM!

2. A morning without smiles is like a workday.

1. Moving ahead of your co-workers can be easy, provided you're willing to risk several consecutive life sentences.

 

Differences Between You And Your Boss

When you take a long time, you're slow. 

When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough. 

When you don't do it, you're lazy. 

When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy. 

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot. 

When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human. 

When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority. 

When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative. 

When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed. 

When your boss does it, he's being firm. 

When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, you're being rude. 

When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original. 

When you please your boss, you're arse-creeping. 

When your boss please his boss, he's being co-operative. 

When you're out of the office, you're wandering around. 

When your boss is out of the office, he's on business. 

When you have one too many drinks at a social, you're a drunken bum. 

When your boss does the same, he appreciated women. 

When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick. 

When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill. 

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview. 

When your boss applies for leave, it 's because he's overworked.

Engineers' Terminologies

1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED: We are still guessing.

2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM:We just hired three kids fresh out of college.

3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION: We know who to blame.

4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH: It works okay, but looks very hi-tech.

5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED: We are so far behind schedule, the customer is happy to get it delivered.

6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE: The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.

7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING: We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.

8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED: The only person who understood the thing quit.

9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS: It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.

10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT: Forget it! We have enough problems for now.

11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL: Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.

12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING: We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.

13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION: I can't wait to hear this bull!

14. SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS: Come into my office, I'm lonely.

15. ALL NEW: Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.

16. RUGGED: Too darn heavy to lift!

17. LIGHTWEIGHT: Lighter than RUGGED.

18. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT: One finally worked.

19. ENERGY SAVING: Achieved when the power switch is off.

20. LOW MAINTENANCE: Impossible to fix if broken.

14 Reasons To Allow Drinking At Work

1. It's an incentive to show up. 

2. It reduces stress 

3. It leads to more honest communications. 

4. It reduces complaints about low pay. 

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover. 

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to
hear. 

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter. 

8. It encourages carpooling. 

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care. 

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work. 

11. It makes fellow employees look better. 

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better. 

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they have had a couple of
drinks. 

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

Top 11 signs you watch too much TV

11) You end telephone conversations with the phrase, "You are
the weakest link. Goodbye!"
10) You wonder why the people at TV guide have never won the
Pulitzer Prize.
9) Your lifelong dream is to say "Live from New York, its
Saturday Night!!"
8) You keep wooden stakes and garlic handy in case Buffy ever
needs your help.
7) Every time someone angers you, you threaten to "vote them off
the island" the next chance you get.
6) You wonder if the dog from "Frasier" will ever be as big as
Lassie.
5) You write angry letters in Klingon to the producers of Star
Trek wondering why the hell Seven of Nine doesn't get more face
time.
4) You wonder if today is the day the coyote finally catches the
roadrunner.
3) You end every conversation with "And that's the bottom line,
cause (insert your name here) said so."
2) You honestly believe that you can pass medical school based
solely on your knowledge from watching "ER".
and the number one reason you know you've been watching too much
TV...
1) Every time someone answers one of your questions, you ask,
"Is that your final answer?"

 

What I Learned From Horror Movies

.

If you ever find yourself in a horror movie situation.....always
remember this.
1. If you say "I'll be right right back".......you're not coming
back.
2. If you decide to sit in a the chair in the middle of a old
dreary cob-webbed room, and the door closes behind you.... it's
not the wind...and you might as well sit in that chair, put your
head between your knees and kiss your ass goodbye.
3. If your not famous you might as well commit suicide.
4. The person you hate most will always be the one your stuck
with in that life-or-death situation.
5. If you make a new friend your will be the one to ethier find
their mutalated body or see them being killed, while your
helplessly tied to the table.
6. Black dudes alway die first.
7. When the mood of the music changes, RUN LIKE HELL!!!
8. Never, under any cercumstances go to the
BASEMENT.......Hello, darkness, boxes, pipes.........Where is
the first place your killers gonna hide????
9. If you suspect your husband or boyfriend is the killer, but
your best friend tells you your crazy.....she's wrong, he is the
killer and you're next...........DUMP HIS ASS!!! There are other
fish in the sea.
10. The person you least expect weather they stutter, are
small,"too" young, or act timid......they are the killer,
specially the retarded younger brother or sister.
11. When you are being chased in your house by the killer, and
you have two options....the door outside or upstairs.....please,
for god-sake don't go upstairs.
12. If there is a killer in your dreams that has a burnt face
and knives for hands, it's time to buy coffee.....I mean come
on, haven't you seen Freddy Kruger!
13. Attacks by your killers are always after watching a horror
movie.
14. There is always someone in the house that is killed before
you are, then you find them, scream, and run straight into the
killer......SMART ONE!!
15. If you get a phone call, telling you to check
outside.......why bother???? They've already found a way in.
16. if you get an anonomous call from someone breathing
heavily....no, it's not your kid brother playing tricks.....and
it doesn't help to try to call the police cause just as they
pick up, the phone will go dead.......and they will come and
find you mutillated in the living room.
17. If your companions walk out of the room to get something,
you better get out of that damn house, forget them their long
gone.
18.The idea of safety in numbers, does not, I repeat DOES NOT
apply here......eventualy one of you will have to go to the
bathroom.
19. Screaming won't help.......usually your in the middle of the
woods in a small town.
20. When check noices......bring some kind of a
weapon.........no matter how old the house is, or how hard the
winds blowing....Noices don't just happen.

 

Things to Do at a Boring Movie

1. Wear a top hat.
2. Throw popcorn in the air and yell, "It's snowing!"
3. Go, "Oooooh..." whenever anyone kisses.
4. Clap when the good guy gets killed.
5. Make a noise like your passing gas and go, "Ahhh..."
6. Start wheezing and ask the person next to you if you can have some
Juiji Fruits for you asthma.
7. During the previews, yell, "Can you fast-forward it?"
8. Whenever the bad guy is doing something devious, say, "Watch out!"
9. Laugh very loudly at all the corny jokes.
10. Tell the man selling popcorn that the girls' bathroom is flooding.
11. Yell out what is going to happen.
12. Tell the man next to you that you have diarrhea and wink while smiling.
13. Wear a cape and when its your turn to get popcorn yell, "I'm Batman!
Hahaha!" and run away.
14. Yell, "Fire!" and moon the people coming through the exit.
15. Say that they cannot sit next to you because your invisible friend
already is.
16. Yell out loud, "Stop molesting me!"
17. Gently, very softly, place a single pooped kernel of corn on the head
of the person in front of you.
18. Scream out, "Hey, this isn't Bambi!"
19. Stare at the person sitting across the aisle from you, then quickley
look back at the screen when they notice, then stare at them again when
they turn back to the screen.
20. See if you can get a moistened Jujy Fruit to stick to the screen.
21. Yell to the projectionist, "Can you pause it? I gotta pee!"

 

Top Ten Reasons Star Wars Is Better Than Star Trek

10. "Look sir, droids!"
9. No time travlers picking up their own heads.
8. No alternate universes.
7. No transporters to save your butt at the last minute.
6. Aliens with makeup somewhere besides their foreheads.
5. Starship battles in 3 dimensions.
4. War, not neutral zones!
3. No ultra-powerful aliens with one-letter names.
2. No holodecks for lame plot ideas invented by actors.
1. Princess Leia in that slave girl outfit at Jabba's!