LETS PLAY MUSIC TODAY

Accordion Jokes

An accordion is a bagpipe with pleats.

Q: What is the definition of an optimist?
A: An accordion player with a pager.

Q: What is the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
A: The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.

Q: What do accordion players use as a contraceptive?
A: Their personalities.

Q: What's the range of an accordion?
A: Twenty yards if you've got a good arm!

Q: What's a gentleman?
A: Somebody who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn't.

Q: What's the difference between an onion and an accordion?
A: No-one cries when you chop up an accordion.

Q: What's the difference between an accordion player and a terrorist?
A: Terrorists have sympathisers.

Q: What's the definition of perfect pitch?
A: When an accordion is thrown down the toilet without it touching the sides.

Q: What's the difference between an accordion and a concertina?
A: The accordion takes longer to burn.

Q: How do you protect a valuable instrument?
A: Hide it in an accordion case.

Q: What's an accordion good for?
A: Learning how to fold a map.

Q: What's the difference between a chainsaw and an accordion?
A: A chainsaw can be tuned.

Q: Why is it good that accordionists have a half-ounce more brains than horses?
A: So they don't disgrace themselves in parades.

Bagpipe jokes

Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A: To get away from the noise.

Q: What's the only thing worse than a bagpiper?
A: Good question. We're still trying to find out too.

Bagpipes (noun) - I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made object never equalled the purity of sound achieved by the pig. -Alfred Hitchcock

Q. How do you get two bagpipes to play a perfect unison?
A. Shoot one.

Q. What's the definition of a minor second?
A. Two bagpipes playing in unison.

Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A. No one cries when you chop up an bagpipe.

Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?
A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.

Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.

Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. To get away from the bagpipe recital.

Q. What's the difference between the Great Highland and Northumbrian bagpipes?
A. The GHB burns longer [but the Northumbrian burns hotter]

Q. What do you call bagpiper with half a brain?
A. Gifted.

Q. What's the difference between a lawnmower and a bagpipe?
A. You can tune the lawnmower, and the owner's neighbors are upset if you borrow the lawnmower and don't return it.

Q. How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Five, one to handle the bulb and the other four to contemplate how Bill Livingston would have done it.

Q. How many bagpipers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. 5-one to do it, and four to criticise his fingering style.

Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune bagpipe player, an out of tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus?
A. The out of tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been hallucinating.

Q. How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe?
A. Add vibrato.

Q. How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Five. One to handle the bulb, the other four to tell him how much better they could have done it.

Q. What's the definition of a gentleman?
A. Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn't.

Q. Why do bagpipers leave their cases on their dashboards?
A. So they can park in handicapped zones.

Q. What's the definition of a quarter tone?
A. A bagpiper tuning his drones.

Q. What do bagpipers use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.

Q. What's the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
A. The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.

Q. What's the range of a bagpipe?
A. Twenty yards if you have a good arm.

Q. What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A. A bagpiper.

Q. What did the bagpiper get on his I.Q. test?
A. Drool.

Q. What's one thing you never hear people say?
A. Oh, that's the bagpipe player's Porsche.

Q. Why do bagpipers always walk when they play?
A. Moving targets are harder to hit.

Q. How do you know if a bagpipe band is at your front door?
A. No one knows when to come in.

Q. Why did the bagpiper get mad at the drummer?
A. He moved a drone and wouldn't tell him which one.

Q. Why are bagpipers fingers like lightning?
A. They rarely strike the same spot twice.

Tom: "Hey, Buddy. How late does the bagpipe band play?"
Buddy: "Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer."

Q: What's the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone?
A: A Rolling Stone says "hey you, get off of my cloud!", while a Scotsman says "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!"

Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
A. Someone is blowing into it.

Q. Why is a bagpipe like a Scud missile?
A. Both are offensive and inaccurate.

Banjo jokes

Q: How many banjo players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but all the others gathered around will complain that that's not the way Earl Scruggs would have done it.

Q: How can you tell the stage you're playing on is level?
A: The banjo player is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.

Q: What is the difference between a banjo and an anchor?
A: You tie a rope to an anchor before you throw it overboard.

Q: Why do so many fishermen own banjos?
A: They make great anchors!

Q: Why did the Boy Scout take up the banjo?
A: They make good paddles.

Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?
A: A chain saw has a dynamic range.

Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?
A: You can turn off a chainsaw.

Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a South American Macaw?
A: One is loud, obnoxious and noisy; the other is a bird.

Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a Harley-Davidson motorcycle?
A: You can tune a Harley.

Q: What is the difference between a banjo and an Uzi submachine gun?
A: An Uzi only repeats 40 times.

Q: Why does everyone hate a banjo right off?
A: Saves time.

Q: Why is the banjo player a fiddle player's best friend?
A: Without him, the fiddle would be the most hated instrument on earth.

Q: How can you tell the difference between all the banjo songs?
A: By their names.

Q: What is the most seldom heard comment made of banjo players?
A: "Say, isn't that the banjo player's Porsche?"

Q: What do you say to the banjo player in the three piece suit?
A: Will the defendant please rise.

Bass jokes

Q: Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist?
A: He turned a peg and wouldn't tell the bass player which one.

Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one - but the guitarist has to show him first.

Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to change it, five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light.

Q: Did you hear about the drummer who locked his keys in his car?
A: It took him four hours to get the bass player out.

Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The piano player can do that with his left hand.

 

The annoying drums

This guy goes on vacation to a tropical island. As soon as he gets off the plane, he hears drums. He thinks "Wow, this is cool." He goes to the beach, he hears the drums, he eats lunch, he hears drums, he goes to a luau, he hears drums. He tries to go to sleep, yet he hears drums.

This goes on for several nights, and gets to the point where the guy can't sleep at night because of the drums. Finally, he goes down to the front desk.

When he gets there, he asks the manager, "Hey! What's with these drums. Don't they ever stop? I can't get any sleep."

The manager says, "No! Drums must never stop. It's very bad if drums stop."

"Why?"

"When drums stop...bass solo begins."

Bassoon jokes

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from the bassoon recital.

Q: Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?
A: The bassoon burns longer.

Q: What is a burning oboe good for?
A: Setting a bassoon on fire.

Q: Which burns better, an oboe or a bassoon?
A: A bassoon; there's more wood!

Q: How many bassoonists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but they'll insist on going through about 5 bulbs before they find one that suits this particular room and situation.

Q: What are oboes good for?
A: Kindling when burning basoons

Cello jokes

Q: What is the difference between a cello and a coffin?
A: The coffin has the corpse on the inside.

Q: Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
A: So you don't have to retrain the cellists.

Q: How do you get a cellist to play fortissimo?
A: Write 'pp, espressivo'.

Clarinet jokes

Q: What's the definition of a nerd?
A: Someone who has his or her own alto clarinet.

Q: Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
A: So they can park in the handicap zones.

Q: What do you call a bass-clarinetist with half a brain?
A: Gifted.

Q: What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces.

Q: How do know a clarinet player is playing loud?
A: You can almost hear them.

Q: How do you get a clarinet player to play louder?
A: You can't!

Drum jokes

Q: Why do drummers have a half ounce more brains than horses?
A: So they don't disgrace themselves at the parade.

Q: How do you know if there is a percussionist at the door?
A: The knocking gets slower.

Q: How can you tell when there is a drummer at your front door?
A: The knocking gets faster.

Q: How do you know when a drum solo's really bad?
A: The bass player notices.

Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed in.

Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A: A drummer.

Q: What do you call a drummer who has just broken up with his girlfriend?
A: Homeless.

Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins.

Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?
A: Drool.

If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum.

Which drummer?

There's a five pound note on the floor. Of a thrash guitarist, a drummer who keeps good time, and a drummer who keeps bad time, who picks it up?

The drummer who keeps bad time. The other drummer doesn't exist, and the thrash guitarist doesn't care about notes anyway.

What is your IQ?

Bob is throwing a party. He decides that, to break the ice at his party, he'll ask his guests what their I.Q. is--hopefully this will strike up an appropriate conversation from there.

The day of Bob's party rolls around, and when the first guest knocks on the door, Bob asks the person what her I.Q. is.

"200,000" replies the first guest.

"Well, that's great," says Bob, let's talk about ethereal astro physics.

Bob and this first guest talk about the aforementioned subject for a while.

Later in the party, someone else is at the door. "Hi my name is Bob; welcome to my party, what's your I.Q.?"

The new guest responds with "250".

"Great," says Bob. "Lets talk about advanced math. Bob and his new guest talk about calculus and statistics for awhile.

Much later in the party, after many more guests had arrived and been spoken to by Bob, yet another guest arrives at the door. "Hi, my name's Bob; welcome to my party, what's your I.Q.?"

This time the guest replies after putting some thought into it "five".

"Well, that's great," says Bob, "what kind of drumsticks do you use?"

Looking to buy

A man walks into a shop. "You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingies and a Gobson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremolo?"

"You're a drummer, aren't you?"

"Yeah. How'd you know?"

"This is a travel agency."

How to Screw up an Interview

We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. 

The lowlights: 

1. "... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application." 

2. "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time." 

3. " A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece." 

4. "... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate." 

5. "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and French fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve" 

6. "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm." 

7. "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions." 

8. "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office." 

9 . "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left." 

10. "... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him." 

11. "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much." 

12. "While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy od Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold." 

13. "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview." 

14. "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?" I said, "I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further." He promptly responded, "I am as long as you'll pay me more. "I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer." 

15. "His attaché case opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume." 

16. "Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one." 

17. "... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security." 

18. "Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk."

Management Style

1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)

2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. Itshould be used only for company business. (Accounting manager,Electric Boat Company)

4. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

5. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. Noone will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them. (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

6. My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)

7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I'say. (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

8. "How About Friday?" My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

10. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

11. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

12. Speaking the Same Language: As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office,
and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts(pedophilia?) working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her
demand that I be fired - and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he lookedthe word up in his dictionary, and made a copy of the definitionto send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local
Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)

13. This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally-circulated memo from a large communications company: "(Company name) is endeavorily determined to promote constant attention on current procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not supersede, the expectations of quality!" (Lucent Technologies)

Inspirational Messages Not Heard At Work

17. There is no "I" in "teamwork." But there is in "management kiss-up." 

16. If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better
company someday.

15. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts. 

14. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG
14 times gives you job security. 

13. If you think we're a bad company, you should see the competition.

12. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings--they did it by
killing all those who oppose them. 

11. We put the "k" in "kwality." 

10. 2 days without a human rights violation.

9. Your job is STILL better than asking, "You want fries with that?" 

8. We build great products when we feel like it and don't have any reason to
call in sick. 

7. If at first you don't succeed, try management. 

6. Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself. 

5. The beatings will continue until morale improves. 

4. Pride, Commitment, Teamwork. Words we use to get you to work for free. 

3. If at first you don't succeed, delegate it. 

2. Plagiarism saves time. 

1. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Hilarious Quotes

·        It may be that your whole purpose in life is to serve as a
warning to others.

·        I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who
annoy me.

·        At least you're not being rectally probed by aliens.

·        What if, at this very moment, you are living up to your full potential?

·        The more you think about things, the weirder they seem. 

    Take this milk. Why do we drink *cow* milk?? Who was the guy who
first looked at a cow and said, "I think I'll drink whatever comes out of these things when I squeeze 'em.

·        My favorite poem is the one that starts "Thirty days have September" because it actually tells you something.

·        Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day. 

·        Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

·        Do not believe in miracles, rely on them.

·        We all can't be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by.

·        I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.

·        My ambition is to live forever - so far, so good!

·        Don't follow in my footsteps, because I run into a lot of walls.

·        Sanity calms, but madness is more interesting.

·        Don't talk about yourself so much... we'll do that when you leave.

·        If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

·        This morning I looked down at my unmade bed and decided that it
was art in another medium and I should not destroy it.

·        If you can't say anything nice...come sit by us.

·        Know what I'm thinking? No. Neither do I; frightening, isn't it?

·        If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.

·        Never say "OOPS!" always say "Ah, Interesting!"

·        This isn't burger king, you can't have it your way.

·        My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Questions & Answers ABOUT MAN'S

·        Why was Moses wandering through the desert for 40 years?

·        Because men refuse to ask for directions!

·        What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

·        Through his chest with a sharp knife. 

·        When is a man as smart as a woman ?

·        When he is plugged in to one. 

·        Why did the man cross the road? 

·        Because there were no women on his side.

·        Why are men like blenders? 

·        You need one, but you're not quite sure why. 

·        WHY IS FOOD BETTER THEN MEN ?

·        YOU DON'T HAVE TO WAIT AN HOUR FOR SECONDS! 

·        WHY ARE MEN LIKE POPCORN ? 

·        THEY SATIFY YOU BUT ONLY FOR A WHILE ! 

·        How many men does it take to change a light bulb?

·        None. Let the bitch do the ironing in the dark. 

·        How many divorced Men does it take to screw in a light bulb? 

·        Who knows; they never get the house 

·        What does a beer bottle and a guy have in common? 

·        There both empty from the neck up. 

·        why did the man get fired from the Orange Juice factory? 

·        he wasn't concentrating 

·        Why do women have more trouble with hemorrhoids than men?

·        Because God made man the perfect asshole. 

·        What do men and linoleum have in common? 

·        Lay them right and you can walk all over them the rest of your life. 

·        What do men and microwaves have in common? 

·        They're both done in 30 seconds. 

·        What's a man's idea of foreplay? 

·        A half hour of begging 

·        How can you tell if a man is well hung? 

·        If you can't get your finger between the rope and his neck!!!! 

·        How do you get a man to do sit-ups? 

·        Put the remote control between his feet. 

·        What did the elephant say to the naked man? 

·        It's kinda cute, but can it pick up peanuts? 

·        What's the diff. between Bigfoot and an honest man? 

·        Bigfoot has been sighted! 

·        Why are all dumb Blond jokes one liners? 

·        So men can understand them. 

·        What is the difference between government bonds and men? 

·        Government bonds mature. 

·        What's a man's idea of helping with house work? 

·        lifting his legs so you can vacuum. 

·        What's the difference between man and E.T.? 

·        E.T. phoned home. 

·        What did God say when he created man? 

·        "I can do better than this". 

·        How do men define a 50/50 relationship? 

·        They cook, we eat. They clean, we dirty. They iron, we wrinkle

·        How do men exercise at the beach? 

·        Everytime they see a bikini, they suck their belly in. 

·        What does a man concider a seven corse meal to be? 

·        A hot dog and a 6 pack. 

·        Why are men like noodles? 

·        they are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they are always in need of dough. 

·        Why is it good that there are female astronauts? 

·        because if the crew gets lost, at least the woman will ask for directions.