Hilarious Quotes

·        It may be that your whole purpose in life is to serve as a
warning to others.

·        I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who
annoy me.

·        At least you're not being rectally probed by aliens.

·        What if, at this very moment, you are living up to your full potential?

·        The more you think about things, the weirder they seem. 

    Take this milk. Why do we drink *cow* milk?? Who was the guy who
first looked at a cow and said, "I think I'll drink whatever comes out of these things when I squeeze 'em.

·        My favorite poem is the one that starts "Thirty days have September" because it actually tells you something.

·        Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day. 

·        Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

·        Do not believe in miracles, rely on them.

·        We all can't be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by.

·        I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.

·        My ambition is to live forever - so far, so good!

·        Don't follow in my footsteps, because I run into a lot of walls.

·        Sanity calms, but madness is more interesting.

·        Don't talk about yourself so much... we'll do that when you leave.

·        If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

·        This morning I looked down at my unmade bed and decided that it
was art in another medium and I should not destroy it.

·        If you can't say anything nice...come sit by us.

·        Know what I'm thinking? No. Neither do I; frightening, isn't it?

·        If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.

·        Never say "OOPS!" always say "Ah, Interesting!"

·        This isn't burger king, you can't have it your way.

·        My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Questions & Answers ABOUT MAN'S

·        Why was Moses wandering through the desert for 40 years?

·        Because men refuse to ask for directions!

·        What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

·        Through his chest with a sharp knife. 

·        When is a man as smart as a woman ?

·        When he is plugged in to one. 

·        Why did the man cross the road? 

·        Because there were no women on his side.

·        Why are men like blenders? 

·        You need one, but you're not quite sure why. 

·        WHY IS FOOD BETTER THEN MEN ?

·        YOU DON'T HAVE TO WAIT AN HOUR FOR SECONDS! 

·        WHY ARE MEN LIKE POPCORN ? 

·        THEY SATIFY YOU BUT ONLY FOR A WHILE ! 

·        How many men does it take to change a light bulb?

·        None. Let the bitch do the ironing in the dark. 

·        How many divorced Men does it take to screw in a light bulb? 

·        Who knows; they never get the house 

·        What does a beer bottle and a guy have in common? 

·        There both empty from the neck up. 

·        why did the man get fired from the Orange Juice factory? 

·        he wasn't concentrating 

·        Why do women have more trouble with hemorrhoids than men?

·        Because God made man the perfect asshole. 

·        What do men and linoleum have in common? 

·        Lay them right and you can walk all over them the rest of your life. 

·        What do men and microwaves have in common? 

·        They're both done in 30 seconds. 

·        What's a man's idea of foreplay? 

·        A half hour of begging 

·        How can you tell if a man is well hung? 

·        If you can't get your finger between the rope and his neck!!!! 

·        How do you get a man to do sit-ups? 

·        Put the remote control between his feet. 

·        What did the elephant say to the naked man? 

·        It's kinda cute, but can it pick up peanuts? 

·        What's the diff. between Bigfoot and an honest man? 

·        Bigfoot has been sighted! 

·        Why are all dumb Blond jokes one liners? 

·        So men can understand them. 

·        What is the difference between government bonds and men? 

·        Government bonds mature. 

·        What's a man's idea of helping with house work? 

·        lifting his legs so you can vacuum. 

·        What's the difference between man and E.T.? 

·        E.T. phoned home. 

·        What did God say when he created man? 

·        "I can do better than this". 

·        How do men define a 50/50 relationship? 

·        They cook, we eat. They clean, we dirty. They iron, we wrinkle

·        How do men exercise at the beach? 

·        Everytime they see a bikini, they suck their belly in. 

·        What does a man concider a seven corse meal to be? 

·        A hot dog and a 6 pack. 

·        Why are men like noodles? 

·        they are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they are always in need of dough. 

·        Why is it good that there are female astronauts? 

·        because if the crew gets lost, at least the woman will ask for directions.

Questions Not To Ask In Foreign Lands

Are you magically delicious or just angry and drunk? This beer is black- did
a leprechaun crap in it? 

FRANCE
Can I get a side of Freedom Fries with that? Aren’t the French just Germans
who can make sauces?

ITALY
Is the Pope Polish? Does he have super powers like Jesus? I could sure go for
a can of Spaghetti-O’s!  

POLAND
Do you hire foreigners to screw in your lightbulbs? 

GERMANY
Is this bratwurst kosher? 

TURKEY
Where’s the hash at? It’s cool to recreationally slaughter Kurds? 

KOREA
Can you watch my puppy for a minute, or must you people deep fry him?

CHINA
This wall isn’t so great. 

ENGLAND
Did you ever get a piece of ass from that Diana chick?

SWEDEN
Do you have any normal meatballs? Want to hear a dumb blonde joke?

YEMEN
Yemen? That’s a stupid name for a country. What’s it mean -- ‘Land Of
Fanatics And Dust' ? 

INDIA
You don’t live in teepees? Where can I get a good juicy steak around here?

ETHIOPIA
After a long day of travel, I’m famished. Hey – those flies sure love your pregnant son! 

CANADA
You’re like Americans without money. 

SPAIN
So, this is the country that’s not Portugal? Wow. Your women can shave if
they want to, right? Where can I get some Cheez Whiz nachos? 

SOUTH AFRICA
I liked it better the other way. 

MEXICO
What's that smell? 

SAUDI ARABIA
Would you like to see my designs for a solar powered car? Is it legal to beat
your wives here, or what?

RUSSIA
Is it always this cold and economically devastated?

UZBEKISTAN
Can you spell Uzbekistan?

GREECE
I hear this place is a less expensive version of Italy."

AFGHANISTAN
Seriously, where is the real country where is everything? 

JAPAN
What’s Hiroshima? Is that a kind of sushi? 

AUSTRALIA
How can we stop Mel Gibson? Is there a cure?

AMERICA
Was John Wayne gay?

50 Useful Insults

1. Shouldn't a guy with your IQ have a low voice too?

2. After meeting you, I've decided I am in favor of abortion in cases of incest.
3. Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental.

4. Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.

5. You are as useless as rubber lips on a woodpecker.

6. You've got diarrhea of the mouth; constipation of the ideas.

7. I wonder whether you'd still be an idiot if you'd had enough oxygen at birth?

8. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

9. Your job must be to spread ignorance.

10. Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be left out alone.

11. Don't you love nature, despite what it did to you?

12. You should need a license to be that ugly.

13. Ever since I saw you in your family tree I've wanted to cut it down.

14. Every boy has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege.

15. Grasp your ears firmly and remove your head from your ass.

16. You have the IQ of lint.

17. You are depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. 

18. You are living proof that man can live without a brain.

19. People would follow you anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

20. I don't mind that you are talking so long as you don't mind that I'm not listening.

21. I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.

22. I feel sorry for you because you are so homely but I feel even sorrier for other people because they have to look at you.

23. I know you're a self-made man. It's nice of you to take the blame.

24. I know you're not as stupid as you look. Nobody could be.

25. I used to think that you were a big pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.

26. I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.

27. If I had a face like yours, I'd sue my parents.

28. If I want your stupid opinion, I'll beat it out of you.

29. If I wanted to hear from an ass, I'd fart.

30. If you don't like my opinion of you - improve yourself.

31. I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.

32. I'm glad to see you're not letting your education get in theway of your ignorance.


33. It is mind over matter. I don't mind, because you don't matter.

34. I've come across decomposing bodies that are less offensive than you are.

35. I've seen people like you, but I had to pay admission.

36. Look, don't go to a mind reader; go to a palmist; I know you've got a palm.

37. Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live.

38. People can't say that you have absolutely nothing. After all, you have inferiority!

39. Perhaps your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

40. Someone said you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for the pigs.

41. The inbreeding is certainly obvious in your family.

42. We all spring from apes but you didn't spring far enough
.
43. We'll get along fine as soon as you realize I'm God.

44. When you fell out of the ugly tree, you hit every branch on the way down.

45. When you were a child your mother wanted to hire someone to take care of you but the Mafia wanted too much.

46. When you were born, God admitted that even He could make a mistake!

47. You are about as useful as a windshield wiper on a goat's ass.

48. You are living proof that manure can grow legs and walk.

49. You have an inferiority complex - and it's fully justified.

50. Aren't you the poster child for birth control?

The Top 16 Reasons Last Night's Date Was a Failure

16. Two words: Crying Game 

15. Putting chopsticks in your nose doesn't go over so well since you hit the big four-oh. 

14. You woke up in a tu-tu, a bra and scuba flippers - but where the hell is your hockey mask? 

13. Losing that Happy Meal prize to your date in an arm-wrestling contest kind of put a damper on the rest of the evening. 

12. You roll over and find a naked Ed Asner next to you. 

11. You brought flowers and candy, she brought a lawyer and a restraining order. 

10. O.J. Simpson mask definitely not a big hit. 

9. Her job as an Elvis impersonator didn't bother you until you discovered the sideburns are real. 

8. You didn't feel the earth move, but you learned an awful lot about life insurance. 

7. Severe paper cuts from that popcorn-box trick forced you to go to the emergency room alone. 

6. Everything was going great until the conversation shifted to rejected names for hurricanes. 

5. The only tongue you got was at the deli counter. 

4. A generally accepted rule of thumb is that your date should have the same number of digits after the date as before. 

3. Your date's position as environmental spokesperson really kept you from enjoying your porpoise sandwich. 

2. You were only being honest, Gene Hackman in drag *is* arousing 

1. Dinner reservations at House of Beans.

How to Satisfy a Man/Woman Every Time

How to Satisfy a Woman Every Time:

Lick, paw, ogle, caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, floralize, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, bark, purr, hug, baste, marinate, coddle, excite, pacify, tattoo, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, crawl, tunnel, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, shower, shave, trust, dip, twirl, dive, grovel, never ignore, defend, coax, clothe, straddle, melt, brag, acquiesce, aromate, prevail, super collide, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, spoil, reddi-whip, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, mosh, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, hold her hair while she's puking in the toilet, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, do a nickel in Attica for, dream of, promise, exceed, deliver, tease, flirt, enlist, torch, pine, wheedle, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, alleviate, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her to Funkytown, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again. 

How to Satisfy a Man Every Time

Show up.

The best 35 pick up lies ever

1. If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole? 

2. I\'d like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag. 

3. If it\'s true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning! 

4. How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?

5. I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your face. 

6. You are so fine that I\'d eat your shit just to see where it came from. 

7. My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can\'t hold it in. 

8. Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let\'s go fuck. 

9. Is that a keg in your pants? \'Cause I would love to tap that ass!

10. If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas, could I meet you between the holidays? 

11. You remind me of a championship bass, I don\'t know whether to mount you or eat you! 

12. Your parents must be retarded, because you are special. 

13. Could I touch your belly button . . . from the inside? 

14. I\'m not too good at algebra, but doesn\'t U+I = 69? 

15. How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I\'ll give you the meat. 

16. Guy: \"Would you like to dance?\"
Girl: \"I don\'t care for this song and surely wouldn\'t dance with you.\"
Guy: \"I\'m sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants\" 

17. I\'m new in town, could I have directions to your house. 

18. Fuck me if I\'m wrong, but is your name Yolanda? 

19. I love every bone in your body - especially mine. 

20. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away. 

21. Hey baby, what\'s your sign? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous curves ahead, yield? 

22. I can\'t find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this motel room. 

23. Wanna play Pearl Harbor?....Its a game where I lay back while you blow the hell out of me. 

24. Your body\'s name must be Visa, because it\'s everywhere I want to be. 

25. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money? 

26. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I\'m the only one talking to you.

27. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I\'d be coming too. 

28. I\'d like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it. 

29. Oh, I\'m sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.

30.The word of the day is \"legs\";lets go home and spread the word.

31.Those pants would look greatin a crumpled pile on my floor. 

32.Hi, zipper inspetor. 

33.I lost my phone number, can i haveyours?

34.hey baby, if i guess ur age, can i get in ur pants? 

35.I know what ur thinking..What r you gonna do with all this hunk o man?

Phrases Useful in the Workplace

1. Thank you - we're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

5. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't care.

6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and inexperienced.

7. What am I - flypaper for freaks!?

8. I'm not being rude. I'm just ignoring you.

9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

11. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of calories to burn off.

12. Yes, he is an agent of Satan, but his duties are largely ceremonial.

13. No, my powers can only be used for good.

14. How about never? Is never good for you?

15. I'm really easy to get along with once you people realize I'm right.

16. Your idea seems reasonable... Time to up my medication.

17. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

18. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

19. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.

21. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

22. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

23. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

24. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

25. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

The Top 15 Signs Your Classmate Is a Stripper

15 Her grades aren't the only things that appear to have been inflated.

14 Psychs herself up for tests with quiet self-affirmations of "I'm good enough... I'm smart enough..." -- in gym class.

13 You: Studying for the bar exam.
 Her: Studying for the pole exam.

12 When it's time to pass out tests, he motions the professor to tuck it into his underwear.

11 In econ class, she's always willing to show her recession-proof models.

10 She asks if you want to buy her a $15 pencil.

9 Turns in a thesis titled "A Study in Microeconomics: Japanese Businessmen Are Sick Bastards, but Tip Huge."

8 A lot of classmates stagger into 8 a.m. classes reeking of booze and cigarettes, but *he* doesn't belong to a fraternity.

7 Each time you lean sideways to whisper a humorously flirtatious comment to her during class, a jealous Ben Affleck smacks your head from the row behind and asks, "How many Oscars have *you* won, tough guy?"

6 She just did something with a No. 2 pencil that you never dreamt possible.

5 She gets an A on her midterm, even though it's the professor who did the cramming last night.

4 Her graduation cap has two tassels and she can make them rotate in opposite directions.

3 She *always* has change for a twenty.

2 When you ask to see her notes from last week's class, she replies, "Only in the VIP room, buster."

1 It takes her three songs to change for gym class.

Driving Test Answers

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the driving school.

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too shit-faced to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be a dickhead all day long.

25 Signs That You've Grown Up

1. Your potted plants are alive.

2. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.

5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup. 

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7. 

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up'.

10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. 

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. 

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up. 

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's. 

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. 

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
 
17. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one. 

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 a.m. would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach. 

19. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits. 

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff'. 

21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time. 

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to." replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again". 

23. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. 

24. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar. 

25. You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn't apply to you.