Hilarious Quotes

·        It may be that your whole purpose in life is to serve as a
warning to others.

·        I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who
annoy me.

·        At least you're not being rectally probed by aliens.

·        What if, at this very moment, you are living up to your full potential?

·        The more you think about things, the weirder they seem. 

    Take this milk. Why do we drink *cow* milk?? Who was the guy who
first looked at a cow and said, "I think I'll drink whatever comes out of these things when I squeeze 'em.

·        My favorite poem is the one that starts "Thirty days have September" because it actually tells you something.

·        Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day. 

·        Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

·        Do not believe in miracles, rely on them.

·        We all can't be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by.

·        I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.

·        My ambition is to live forever - so far, so good!

·        Don't follow in my footsteps, because I run into a lot of walls.

·        Sanity calms, but madness is more interesting.

·        Don't talk about yourself so much... we'll do that when you leave.

·        If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

·        This morning I looked down at my unmade bed and decided that it
was art in another medium and I should not destroy it.

·        If you can't say anything nice...come sit by us.

·        Know what I'm thinking? No. Neither do I; frightening, isn't it?

·        If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.

·        Never say "OOPS!" always say "Ah, Interesting!"

·        This isn't burger king, you can't have it your way.

·        My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Questions & Answers ABOUT MAN'S

·        Why was Moses wandering through the desert for 40 years?

·        Because men refuse to ask for directions!

·        What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

·        Through his chest with a sharp knife. 

·        When is a man as smart as a woman ?

·        When he is plugged in to one. 

·        Why did the man cross the road? 

·        Because there were no women on his side.

·        Why are men like blenders? 

·        You need one, but you're not quite sure why. 

·        WHY IS FOOD BETTER THEN MEN ?

·        YOU DON'T HAVE TO WAIT AN HOUR FOR SECONDS! 

·        WHY ARE MEN LIKE POPCORN ? 

·        THEY SATIFY YOU BUT ONLY FOR A WHILE ! 

·        How many men does it take to change a light bulb?

·        None. Let the bitch do the ironing in the dark. 

·        How many divorced Men does it take to screw in a light bulb? 

·        Who knows; they never get the house 

·        What does a beer bottle and a guy have in common? 

·        There both empty from the neck up. 

·        why did the man get fired from the Orange Juice factory? 

·        he wasn't concentrating 

·        Why do women have more trouble with hemorrhoids than men?

·        Because God made man the perfect asshole. 

·        What do men and linoleum have in common? 

·        Lay them right and you can walk all over them the rest of your life. 

·        What do men and microwaves have in common? 

·        They're both done in 30 seconds. 

·        What's a man's idea of foreplay? 

·        A half hour of begging 

·        How can you tell if a man is well hung? 

·        If you can't get your finger between the rope and his neck!!!! 

·        How do you get a man to do sit-ups? 

·        Put the remote control between his feet. 

·        What did the elephant say to the naked man? 

·        It's kinda cute, but can it pick up peanuts? 

·        What's the diff. between Bigfoot and an honest man? 

·        Bigfoot has been sighted! 

·        Why are all dumb Blond jokes one liners? 

·        So men can understand them. 

·        What is the difference between government bonds and men? 

·        Government bonds mature. 

·        What's a man's idea of helping with house work? 

·        lifting his legs so you can vacuum. 

·        What's the difference between man and E.T.? 

·        E.T. phoned home. 

·        What did God say when he created man? 

·        "I can do better than this". 

·        How do men define a 50/50 relationship? 

·        They cook, we eat. They clean, we dirty. They iron, we wrinkle

·        How do men exercise at the beach? 

·        Everytime they see a bikini, they suck their belly in. 

·        What does a man concider a seven corse meal to be? 

·        A hot dog and a 6 pack. 

·        Why are men like noodles? 

·        they are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they are always in need of dough. 

·        Why is it good that there are female astronauts? 

·        because if the crew gets lost, at least the woman will ask for directions.

Top 11 signs you watch too much TV

11) You end telephone conversations with the phrase, "You are
the weakest link. Goodbye!"
10) You wonder why the people at TV guide have never won the
Pulitzer Prize.
9) Your lifelong dream is to say "Live from New York, its
Saturday Night!!"
8) You keep wooden stakes and garlic handy in case Buffy ever
needs your help.
7) Every time someone angers you, you threaten to "vote them off
the island" the next chance you get.
6) You wonder if the dog from "Frasier" will ever be as big as
Lassie.
5) You write angry letters in Klingon to the producers of Star
Trek wondering why the hell Seven of Nine doesn't get more face
time.
4) You wonder if today is the day the coyote finally catches the
roadrunner.
3) You end every conversation with "And that's the bottom line,
cause (insert your name here) said so."
2) You honestly believe that you can pass medical school based
solely on your knowledge from watching "ER".
and the number one reason you know you've been watching too much
TV...
1) Every time someone answers one of your questions, you ask,
"Is that your final answer?"

 

What I Learned From Horror Movies

.

If you ever find yourself in a horror movie situation.....always
remember this.
1. If you say "I'll be right right back".......you're not coming
back.
2. If you decide to sit in a the chair in the middle of a old
dreary cob-webbed room, and the door closes behind you.... it's
not the wind...and you might as well sit in that chair, put your
head between your knees and kiss your ass goodbye.
3. If your not famous you might as well commit suicide.
4. The person you hate most will always be the one your stuck
with in that life-or-death situation.
5. If you make a new friend your will be the one to ethier find
their mutalated body or see them being killed, while your
helplessly tied to the table.
6. Black dudes alway die first.
7. When the mood of the music changes, RUN LIKE HELL!!!
8. Never, under any cercumstances go to the
BASEMENT.......Hello, darkness, boxes, pipes.........Where is
the first place your killers gonna hide????
9. If you suspect your husband or boyfriend is the killer, but
your best friend tells you your crazy.....she's wrong, he is the
killer and you're next...........DUMP HIS ASS!!! There are other
fish in the sea.
10. The person you least expect weather they stutter, are
small,"too" young, or act timid......they are the killer,
specially the retarded younger brother or sister.
11. When you are being chased in your house by the killer, and
you have two options....the door outside or upstairs.....please,
for god-sake don't go upstairs.
12. If there is a killer in your dreams that has a burnt face
and knives for hands, it's time to buy coffee.....I mean come
on, haven't you seen Freddy Kruger!
13. Attacks by your killers are always after watching a horror
movie.
14. There is always someone in the house that is killed before
you are, then you find them, scream, and run straight into the
killer......SMART ONE!!
15. If you get a phone call, telling you to check
outside.......why bother???? They've already found a way in.
16. if you get an anonomous call from someone breathing
heavily....no, it's not your kid brother playing tricks.....and
it doesn't help to try to call the police cause just as they
pick up, the phone will go dead.......and they will come and
find you mutillated in the living room.
17. If your companions walk out of the room to get something,
you better get out of that damn house, forget them their long
gone.
18.The idea of safety in numbers, does not, I repeat DOES NOT
apply here......eventualy one of you will have to go to the
bathroom.
19. Screaming won't help.......usually your in the middle of the
woods in a small town.
20. When check noices......bring some kind of a
weapon.........no matter how old the house is, or how hard the
winds blowing....Noices don't just happen.

 

Things to Do at a Boring Movie

1. Wear a top hat.
2. Throw popcorn in the air and yell, "It's snowing!"
3. Go, "Oooooh..." whenever anyone kisses.
4. Clap when the good guy gets killed.
5. Make a noise like your passing gas and go, "Ahhh..."
6. Start wheezing and ask the person next to you if you can have some
Juiji Fruits for you asthma.
7. During the previews, yell, "Can you fast-forward it?"
8. Whenever the bad guy is doing something devious, say, "Watch out!"
9. Laugh very loudly at all the corny jokes.
10. Tell the man selling popcorn that the girls' bathroom is flooding.
11. Yell out what is going to happen.
12. Tell the man next to you that you have diarrhea and wink while smiling.
13. Wear a cape and when its your turn to get popcorn yell, "I'm Batman!
Hahaha!" and run away.
14. Yell, "Fire!" and moon the people coming through the exit.
15. Say that they cannot sit next to you because your invisible friend
already is.
16. Yell out loud, "Stop molesting me!"
17. Gently, very softly, place a single pooped kernel of corn on the head
of the person in front of you.
18. Scream out, "Hey, this isn't Bambi!"
19. Stare at the person sitting across the aisle from you, then quickley
look back at the screen when they notice, then stare at them again when
they turn back to the screen.
20. See if you can get a moistened Jujy Fruit to stick to the screen.
21. Yell to the projectionist, "Can you pause it? I gotta pee!"

 

Top Ten Reasons Star Wars Is Better Than Star Trek

10. "Look sir, droids!"
9. No time travlers picking up their own heads.
8. No alternate universes.
7. No transporters to save your butt at the last minute.
6. Aliens with makeup somewhere besides their foreheads.
5. Starship battles in 3 dimensions.
4. War, not neutral zones!
3. No ultra-powerful aliens with one-letter names.
2. No holodecks for lame plot ideas invented by actors.
1. Princess Leia in that slave girl outfit at Jabba's!