Elvis Taught Me Everything
Things I learned from Elvis
Taken as a
whole, the songs of
Elvis contain everything from handy tips about geography ("a river flows
surely to the sea") to practical travel advice (the YMCA in Memphis has cheap accommodations), right
through to religious instruction ("I'm lonely like Adam, you're evil like
Eve"). Here are some things we've learned from listening to Elvis.
TRAVEL
The typical train is 16 carriages long.
All food in Germany consists of hasenpfeffer and black pumpernickel.
The Heartbreak Hotel is located at the end of Lonely Street and its desk clerk dresses in black.
Hula dancers are best judged by their ability to really move that grass around.
A harem in the Middle East contains 20 women.
So efficient is the US postal service that it will return an unwanted letter within 24 hours of its initial posting.
There are few sounds that make you feel more lonely than that of the midnight train.
If hitchhiking, it's hard to choose a better destination than Memphis, Tennessee.
RELATIONSHIPS
When inviting a young woman to dance, you may increase your chances by noting that chicken is being served in the barn. <br
If rejected by the older sister in a family, by all means have a crack at her little sister, who may have matured more than you at first noticed.
Women named Marie are naturally duplicitous.
It's OK to date your cousin, providing she's a distant cousin "but not too distant with you".
Girls named Daisy tend to drive you crazy.
If caught without a partner during a dance at a federal penitentiary, why not try dancing with a wooden chair?
Conversation with a girlfriend can become tiresome if she fails to break up the conversation every now and then with a little action.
A .44-calibre pistol is an excellent firearm choice for a woman whose partner was doin' her wrong.
PERSONAL GROOMING
If wearing suede shoes, particularly of a light hue, one should make their protection a priority, even above that of preventing arson attacks on one's own home.
THE ANIMAL KINGDOM
There are few looks in life more intense than that of a one-eyed cat peeping in a seafood store.
A passionate kiss can be measured by the fact that even a team of wild horses would be unable to drag apart the two participants.
The embrace of a grizzly bear provides a useful point of comparison when considering the pressure necessary to demonstrate real passion during an affair.
A good hound dog should be able to catch a rabbit. </br
TRAVEL
The typical train is 16 carriages long.
All food in Germany consists of hasenpfeffer and black pumpernickel.
The Heartbreak Hotel is located at the end of Lonely Street and its desk clerk dresses in black.
Hula dancers are best judged by their ability to really move that grass around.
A harem in the Middle East contains 20 women.
So efficient is the US postal service that it will return an unwanted letter within 24 hours of its initial posting.
There are few sounds that make you feel more lonely than that of the midnight train.
If hitchhiking, it's hard to choose a better destination than Memphis, Tennessee.
RELATIONSHIPS
When inviting a young woman to dance, you may increase your chances by noting that chicken is being served in the barn. <br
If rejected by the older sister in a family, by all means have a crack at her little sister, who may have matured more than you at first noticed.
Women named Marie are naturally duplicitous.
It's OK to date your cousin, providing she's a distant cousin "but not too distant with you".
Girls named Daisy tend to drive you crazy.
If caught without a partner during a dance at a federal penitentiary, why not try dancing with a wooden chair?
Conversation with a girlfriend can become tiresome if she fails to break up the conversation every now and then with a little action.
A .44-calibre pistol is an excellent firearm choice for a woman whose partner was doin' her wrong.
PERSONAL GROOMING
If wearing suede shoes, particularly of a light hue, one should make their protection a priority, even above that of preventing arson attacks on one's own home.
THE ANIMAL KINGDOM
There are few looks in life more intense than that of a one-eyed cat peeping in a seafood store.
A passionate kiss can be measured by the fact that even a team of wild horses would be unable to drag apart the two participants.
The embrace of a grizzly bear provides a useful point of comparison when considering the pressure necessary to demonstrate real passion during an affair.
A good hound dog should be able to catch a rabbit. </br
Taken as a
whole, the songs of
Elvis contain everything from handy tips about geography ("a river flows
surely to the sea") to practical travel advice (the YMCA in Memphis has cheap accommodations), right
through to religious instruction ("I'm lonely like Adam, you're evil like
Eve"). Here are some things we've learned from listening to Elvis.
GEOGRAPHY
People are more likely to be alone during a blue moon than during any other lunar event.
In Kentucky, precipitation usually occurs when a man is hitchhiking from town to town, having been abandoned by his baby.
MEDICAL
The lips of attractive women tend to taste like breakfast spread, in particular honey.
A temperature of 109 is quite common during the early stages of an affair.
The experience of love, especially early in life, can have serious medical consequences including sensations of itching, hand tremors, leg spasms, heart palpitations and language difficulties.
HISTORY
American soldiers were unable to approach young women in Germany in the period after the war, as local women wore signs in German saying, "Keepen Sie Off The Grass."
PHILOSOPHY
Children born in disadvantaged areas such as ghettos should receive special assistance as this reduces the likelihood of them turning to a life of crime, thus perpetuating an endless cycle of disadvantage.
A rabbit's foot, while widely considered a creator of good luck, makes only a moderate contribution to one's happiness compared to the impact of finding a good life partner.
If you suspect someone is evil check their middle name because it may well be "Misery".
GEOGRAPHY
People are more likely to be alone during a blue moon than during any other lunar event.
In Kentucky, precipitation usually occurs when a man is hitchhiking from town to town, having been abandoned by his baby.
MEDICAL
The lips of attractive women tend to taste like breakfast spread, in particular honey.
A temperature of 109 is quite common during the early stages of an affair.
The experience of love, especially early in life, can have serious medical consequences including sensations of itching, hand tremors, leg spasms, heart palpitations and language difficulties.
HISTORY
American soldiers were unable to approach young women in Germany in the period after the war, as local women wore signs in German saying, "Keepen Sie Off The Grass."
PHILOSOPHY
Children born in disadvantaged areas such as ghettos should receive special assistance as this reduces the likelihood of them turning to a life of crime, thus perpetuating an endless cycle of disadvantage.
A rabbit's foot, while widely considered a creator of good luck, makes only a moderate contribution to one's happiness compared to the impact of finding a good life partner.
If you suspect someone is evil check their middle name because it may well be "Misery".
Things Human Beings Should Learn
If humans had an instruction manual
Wrinkles don't
hurt.
Laughing is good exercise - it's like jogging on the inside.
No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is won't make you cry.
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.
Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.
To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.
Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.
Don't cry because it is over; smile because it happened.
There's always going to be people that hurt you, so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.
You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
Never ask your 3 year old brother to hold a tomato.
Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
Never hold a Dust Buster and a cat at the same time.
Don't wear polka dot underwear under white shorts.
The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.
No matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
It takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
You can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big weenie or huge boobs.
You shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.
You can keep puking long after you think you're finished.
We are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
Regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.
No matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.
The people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
Never, under ANY circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, HE WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV in a bad suit, with a bad hairstyle.
You should not confuse your career / job with your life.
No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
Your family and true friends love you, no matter what.
Laughing is good exercise - it's like jogging on the inside.
No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is won't make you cry.
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.
Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.
To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.
Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.
Don't cry because it is over; smile because it happened.
There's always going to be people that hurt you, so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.
You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
Never ask your 3 year old brother to hold a tomato.
Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
Never hold a Dust Buster and a cat at the same time.
Don't wear polka dot underwear under white shorts.
The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.
No matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
It takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
You can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big weenie or huge boobs.
You shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.
You can keep puking long after you think you're finished.
We are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
Regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.
No matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.
The people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
Never, under ANY circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, HE WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV in a bad suit, with a bad hairstyle.
You should not confuse your career / job with your life.
No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
Your family and true friends love you, no matter what.
Things My Mother Taught Me
She taught me a LOT!
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”
My mother taught me RELIGION.
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
My mother taught me LOGIC.
“Because I said so, that’s why.”
My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”
My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
“Make sure you wear clean underwear in case you’re in an accident.”
My mother taught me IRONY.
“Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about!”
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISTS.
“Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
My mother taught me about STAMINA.
“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”
My mother taught me about WEATHER.
“This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times, don’t exaggerate!”
My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..”
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
“Stop acting like your father!”
My mother taught me about ENVY.
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
“Just wait until we get home.”
My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
“You are going to get it when you get home!”
My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.”
My mother taught me ESP.
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”
My mother taught me HUMOR.
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”
My mother taught me GENETICS.
“You’re just like your father.”
My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
“Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”
My mother taught me WISDOM.
“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”
My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”
My mother taught me RELIGION.
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
My mother taught me LOGIC.
“Because I said so, that’s why.”
My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”
My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
“Make sure you wear clean underwear in case you’re in an accident.”
My mother taught me IRONY.
“Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about!”
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISTS.
“Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
My mother taught me about STAMINA.
“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”
My mother taught me about WEATHER.
“This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times, don’t exaggerate!”
My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..”
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
“Stop acting like your father!”
My mother taught me about ENVY.
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
“Just wait until we get home.”
My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
“You are going to get it when you get home!”
My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.”
My mother taught me ESP.
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”
My mother taught me HUMOR.
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”
My mother taught me GENETICS.
“You’re just like your father.”
My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
“Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”
My mother taught me WISDOM.
“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”
My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”
