Marriage (Part I)

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding,  he laid down the following rules:    "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't  expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table  unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting,  fishing,  boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you  give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"    

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there  will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or  not."

Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding  anniversary!  

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads,  'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'  

 "Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that  reads,  "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.'"

Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.    Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either,"  and  storms out of the house.    

After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and  rings  her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband    says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?"    

She says, "I was in bed."    

"In bed this early, doing what?"    

"Getting a second opinion!"

Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so  proud  of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of  her  objections.    

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home  and  wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the  top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?"    

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back,    "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

System Problems

A colleague of mine has been experiencing significant system problems. Last year he upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 which he'd used for years without trouble. However, apparently there are conflicts between these two systems, the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend with the sound turned off.

But to make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as; Guys' Night Out 3.1, Golf 2 and Playboy 6.0.

Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better, Girlfriend 3.0 has many bugs and left a virus in his system, forcing him to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually he tried installing Girlfriend 2.1 as well as Girlfriend 1.0 only to discover when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to all his hardware.

Sensing a way out, he upgraded to Fiance 1.0 only to discover to his dismay that this system requires rapid upgrading to Wife 1.0. However, whilst Wife 1.0 uses up all available resources it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse 2000. But imagine my friends disappointment though on discovering Wife 1.0 can be unstable and costly to maintain, any mistakes he makes are automatically stored in Wife 1.0's Hardrive and can not be deleted - they then re-surface months later.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic InterDiary Explorer and E-mail Porn Filter. Wife 1.0 also automatically runs PhotoSTROP and WINGEzip and no option on the Help menu seems to work, leaving him to try and GUESS the fault himself. The system footprint needs updating regularly requiring Shoeshop browser Pro for new attachments.

Hairstyle express needs to be reinstalled every week It also refused some of the new Games and attachments he wanted to try stating they are an illegal operation.

When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to Lotus Car 1.0 it often crashes or runs the system dry. Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-law, which can't be turned off. Recently he's been tempted to try Mistress 2000 add-on, but there could be problems. If wife 1.0 detects the presence of mistress 2000, it will delete all MS Money files before un-installing itself.

Thanks, A TROUBLED USER

------------------------------------------------------------

Dear TROUBLED USER,

This is a very common problem men complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by it's creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0.

Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings- Alimony/Child support".

I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and deal with the situation. I suggest installing background application program C:\YES DEAR to alleviate software augmentation.

Having installed Wife 1.0 myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause.

The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. In any case avoid excessive use of C:\YES DEAR because ultimately you may have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal.

The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high-maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0.

I recommend Flowers 3.1 and Diamonds 2K.

Do not, under any circumstances install Secretary with Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of Luck, Tech Support

My Wife

I've been in love with the same woman for many years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, "I" stayed in the bathroom and cried.

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"

My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree!

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in!"

I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.

I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" My wife said, "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."

While driving the car on a cross country trip I decided to lose 2000 pounds of ugly fat... I left my wife at a rest stop...

Divorce Settlement

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour.

The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice.

"Darling," he says. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.

The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it", he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.

He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently. Up to 60mph.

"I want the car, too," he continues...65 mph

"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cars and the boat."

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need." she says.

"Oh, really?" he inquires, "So what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag!"

Did you hear about the blonde that....

1.Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight

2.Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a
slope.

3.Can't work in a pharmacy because the bottles won't fit into the
typewriter.

4.Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months
and the box said "2 to 4 years"

5.Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.

6.Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.

7.When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C"

8.Burnt her nose bobbing for French fries.

9.Baked a turkey for 5 days because the instructions said
1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.

10.Can't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water
won't fit into those little packets

11.Hates M&M's because they are so hard to peel.

12.Got hurt while raking leaves; fell out of the tree.

13.Changes the baby's diaper only once a month because
the label said "good up to 20 pounds"

14.After losing in a breast stroke swimming competition,
complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.

15.What goes vroom-screech-vroom-screech', etc?
A blonde at a flashing red light.

16.Two blondes are trying to get into their car using a coat hanger when
one says, "Hurry, it's starting to rain and the top is down."

Doctor, Doctor!

Doctor! Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!
Now, now, now, settle down.....You'll just have to be a little patient.

Doctor, Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do?
Use a pencil until I get there

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bell?
Take these and if it doesn't help give me a ring!

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm suffering from Deja Vu!
Didn't I see you yesterday?

Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.
I'll deal with you later.

Doctor, Doctor Have you got something for a bad headache?
Of course. Just take this hammer and hit yourself in the head. Then you'll have a bad headache.

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking there is two of me
One at a time please

Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots?
I never make rash promises!

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I’m invisible
Who said that?

Doctor Doctor I feel like a racehorse.
Take one of these every 4 laps!

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a dog.
How long have you felt like this?
Ever since I was a puppy!

Doctor, Doctor When I press with my finger here... it hurts, and here... it hurts, and here... and here... What do you think is wrong with me?
You have a broken finger!

Doctor Doctor I feel like biscuits!
What, you mean those square ones?
Yes!
The ones you put butter on?
Yes!
Oh, You're Crackers!

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains
Well pull yourself together then

Doctor, Doctor I snore so loud I keep myself awake
Sleep in another room then!

Doctor, doctor my baby's swallowed a bullet
Well don't point him at anyone until I get there!

Doctor, Doctor I'm becoming invisible.
Yes I can see you're not all there!

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a frog
What's wrong with that
I think I'm going to croak

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a vampire.
Necks please!

Doctor, Doctor my sister thinks she is a lift!
Well tell her to come in
I can't she doesn't stop at this floor!

Doctor, Doctor, everyone keeps ignoring me.
Next please!

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a dog.
Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.
But I'm not allowed up on the couch!

Doctor, Doctor I'm a burglar!
Have you taken anything for it?

Doctor, Doctor I've lost my memory!
When did this happen?
When did what happen?

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a dog!
Sit!

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a needle.
I see your point!

Doctor, Doctor You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking
Do you drink a lot?
Not really - I spill most of it!

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bridge
What's come over you?
Oh, two cars, a large truck and a coach.

Questions Not To Ask In Foreign Lands

Are you magically delicious or just angry and drunk? This beer is black- did
a leprechaun crap in it? 

FRANCE
Can I get a side of Freedom Fries with that? Aren’t the French just Germans
who can make sauces?

ITALY
Is the Pope Polish? Does he have super powers like Jesus? I could sure go for
a can of Spaghetti-O’s!  

POLAND
Do you hire foreigners to screw in your lightbulbs? 

GERMANY
Is this bratwurst kosher? 

TURKEY
Where’s the hash at? It’s cool to recreationally slaughter Kurds? 

KOREA
Can you watch my puppy for a minute, or must you people deep fry him?

CHINA
This wall isn’t so great. 

ENGLAND
Did you ever get a piece of ass from that Diana chick?

SWEDEN
Do you have any normal meatballs? Want to hear a dumb blonde joke?

YEMEN
Yemen? That’s a stupid name for a country. What’s it mean -- ‘Land Of
Fanatics And Dust' ? 

INDIA
You don’t live in teepees? Where can I get a good juicy steak around here?

ETHIOPIA
After a long day of travel, I’m famished. Hey – those flies sure love your pregnant son! 

CANADA
You’re like Americans without money. 

SPAIN
So, this is the country that’s not Portugal? Wow. Your women can shave if
they want to, right? Where can I get some Cheez Whiz nachos? 

SOUTH AFRICA
I liked it better the other way. 

MEXICO
What's that smell? 

SAUDI ARABIA
Would you like to see my designs for a solar powered car? Is it legal to beat
your wives here, or what?

RUSSIA
Is it always this cold and economically devastated?

UZBEKISTAN
Can you spell Uzbekistan?

GREECE
I hear this place is a less expensive version of Italy."

AFGHANISTAN
Seriously, where is the real country where is everything? 

JAPAN
What’s Hiroshima? Is that a kind of sushi? 

AUSTRALIA
How can we stop Mel Gibson? Is there a cure?

AMERICA
Was John Wayne gay?

50 Useful Insults

1. Shouldn't a guy with your IQ have a low voice too?

2. After meeting you, I've decided I am in favor of abortion in cases of incest.
3. Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental.

4. Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.

5. You are as useless as rubber lips on a woodpecker.

6. You've got diarrhea of the mouth; constipation of the ideas.

7. I wonder whether you'd still be an idiot if you'd had enough oxygen at birth?

8. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

9. Your job must be to spread ignorance.

10. Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be left out alone.

11. Don't you love nature, despite what it did to you?

12. You should need a license to be that ugly.

13. Ever since I saw you in your family tree I've wanted to cut it down.

14. Every boy has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege.

15. Grasp your ears firmly and remove your head from your ass.

16. You have the IQ of lint.

17. You are depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. 

18. You are living proof that man can live without a brain.

19. People would follow you anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

20. I don't mind that you are talking so long as you don't mind that I'm not listening.

21. I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.

22. I feel sorry for you because you are so homely but I feel even sorrier for other people because they have to look at you.

23. I know you're a self-made man. It's nice of you to take the blame.

24. I know you're not as stupid as you look. Nobody could be.

25. I used to think that you were a big pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.

26. I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.

27. If I had a face like yours, I'd sue my parents.

28. If I want your stupid opinion, I'll beat it out of you.

29. If I wanted to hear from an ass, I'd fart.

30. If you don't like my opinion of you - improve yourself.

31. I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.

32. I'm glad to see you're not letting your education get in theway of your ignorance.


33. It is mind over matter. I don't mind, because you don't matter.

34. I've come across decomposing bodies that are less offensive than you are.

35. I've seen people like you, but I had to pay admission.

36. Look, don't go to a mind reader; go to a palmist; I know you've got a palm.

37. Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live.

38. People can't say that you have absolutely nothing. After all, you have inferiority!

39. Perhaps your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

40. Someone said you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for the pigs.

41. The inbreeding is certainly obvious in your family.

42. We all spring from apes but you didn't spring far enough
.
43. We'll get along fine as soon as you realize I'm God.

44. When you fell out of the ugly tree, you hit every branch on the way down.

45. When you were a child your mother wanted to hire someone to take care of you but the Mafia wanted too much.

46. When you were born, God admitted that even He could make a mistake!

47. You are about as useful as a windshield wiper on a goat's ass.

48. You are living proof that manure can grow legs and walk.

49. You have an inferiority complex - and it's fully justified.

50. Aren't you the poster child for birth control?

FUNNY FOOD

• Honey is the only food that does not spoil. Honey found in the tombs of Egyptian pharaohs has been tasted by archaeologists and found edible
• To make one kilo of honey bees have to visit 4 million flowers, travelling a distance equal to 4 times around the earth
• An ounce of chocolate contains about 20 mg of caffeine
  There are more than 10,000 varieties of tomatoes

• Each American eats approximately 22 pounds of tomatoes yearly. Over ½ of the tomato consumption is in the form of catsup and sauce
• Peanuts are used in the manufacture of dynamite
• A family of four could live for 10 years from the bread produced by one acre of wheat
• The world's oldest piece of chewing gum is approximately 9000 years old
• Half of the world's population live on a staple diet of rice
• Tea is said to have been discovered in 2737 BC by a Chinese emperor when some tea leaves accidentally blew into a pot of boiling water
• 1.5 billion cups of tea are enjoyed throughout the world every day
• In France, people eat approximately 500,000,000 snails per year
• Approximately one billion snails are served in restaurants annually
• Over 90% of all fish caught are caught in the northern hemisphere
• 75% of fish caught are eaten - the rest is used to make things such as glue, soap, margarine and fertilizer
• Over the last 40 years food production actually increased faster than population
• The average person eats almost 1500 lbs of food in a year
• Carrots have zero fat content
• Carrots were first cultivated in Afghanistan in the 7th century, and they started with yellow flesh and a purple exterior
• Chocolate is the number one foodstuff flavour in the world, beating both vanilla and banana
• Native Americans never actually ate turkey; killing such a timid bird was thought to indicate laziness
• The amount of pizza eaten each day in the USA measures between 75 -100 acres.
• Found on the seal of a bag of bagels: New and Improved - Made the old fashioned way

MY DIET ADVICE

• A chocolate mousse that you did not order has no calories. Therefore, have your companion order dessert and you taste half of it.
• Chocolate chips are fattening, about 50 calories a tablespoon. However, chocolate chips eaten while making chocolate chip cookies have no calories whatsoever. Therefore make chocolate chip cookies often but don't eat them.
• All food eaten while standing has no calories. Exactly why is not clear, but the current theory relates to gravity. The calories apparently bypass the stomach flowing directly down the legs and through the soles of the feet into the floor, like electricity. Walking seems to accelerate this process, so that a frozen custard or hot dog eaten at a fayre actually has a calorie deficit. 

• Anything produced, purchased or intended for minors is calorie-free when eaten by adults. This category covers a wide range, beginning with a spoonful of baby tapioca, consumed for demonstration purposes, up to and including *biscuits baked and sent to college.
• Pies and cakes should be cut neatly, in even wedges or slices. If not, the responsibility falls on the person putting them away to "straighten up the edges" by slicing away the offending irregularities, which have no calories when eaten.
• Anything eaten in front of the TV has no calories. This may have something to do with radiation leakage, which negates not only the calories in the
• If you have a drink in your right hand, anything eaten with the other hand has no calories. Several principles are at work here. First of all, you're probably standing up at a cocktail party (see "Food on Foot"). Then there's the electronic field: a wet glass in one hand forms a negative charge to reverse the polarity of the calories attracted to the other hand. I'm not exactly sure how it works, but it's reversible if you're left-handed.
• All cakes are horrendously fattening. However, the calories can be eliminated simply by inscribing "Happy Birthday, Bob" or "Good Luck, Pauline" in coloured icing. Not only is it unnecessary to decline, it's impolite.
• Sausages, cheese and the like are all fattening unless impaled on frilled toothpicks. The insertion of a sharp object allows the calories to leak out the bottom.
• If you are rushed through a meal, the entire meal doesn't count. Conversely, if you have ordered something fattening and now regret it, you can minimize its calories by gulping it down.
• Anything somebody made 'just for you' must be eaten regardless of the calories because to do otherwise would be uncaring and insensitive.